This pain is ripping me in two, making my heart clench and collapse on itself. It happens whenever I see him with "her." The "her" changes every day... I don't even know this one's name. Hell, he probably doesn't either. I watch as the little bitch rubs against his arm. My breaths grow more shallow while hurt and rage fight for dominance in my head. Hurt wins. Here it comes again...as I see them together, laughing, I die. I die fucking every time.
In my anger...pride...hurt...whatever, I'd pushed him away. I pushed him until he stopped pushing back.
I won and because I did, I lost.
So now Sam and I have a new "us." Our existence is shared, but our lives are not. Now, I'm the one chasing him and each time he pushes me away, the pain comes again. Today is no different than any other day in our new "us." I go to him and talk to him in hopes that he notices. I pray to momma's unlistening God that the blinders will be removed from his eyes. I try to always stand next to him at the bar, waiting for his gaze like an eager hound who begs for love in the morning.
But there's is no love for me. There's never any real love for Tara. Folks I love either leave or die. Ain't that some shit?
Today is no different than any other day. He speaks and he's kind, but the kindness? It destroys me. I can't exist in a world of your kindness Sam. LOVE me!
I have nothing to offer you, no money, no real home, no textbook beauty, but you may have all of me. It's not some trifling thing, to offer my whole soul to you, so damn, why won't you take it? PLEASE take it! My face doesn't crack on the outside – I know you like my bravery and admire my pride, but if you would just look into my eyes, you'd see that I'm breaking inside.
Disclaimer: I do not own True Blood or the books the series is based upon. I adore the characters and this is how I see them.