Okay, This Is Really Getting Fucked Up, by EvilBloodGnome
When we last left our heroes, Sheena had been sexually assaulted by giant black tentacles accidentally summoned by Genus, then sexually assaulted by Zelos. Solid Snake, who had been sent in a portal in Egypt as a Kurt Russell stand-in had found himself in Tethe'ala and soon discovered by Presea. Also Colette was kidnapped.
Not moments after the tentacles had retreated into the ground, far off into the distance the ocean rumbled and a great black island rose out of the water, an evil aura coming out of it. It looked sorta like some kind of whale and a bunch of fish bubbled out of the water around it, stricken dead. The chosen's party, however, decided to camp for the night because of Sheena's condition and the injuries Zelos had received from causing them. In the morning they set off, with Lloyd having fetched Sheena a new set of robes by running to Mizuho with his NFL Combine-like speed. Not long after they departed towards the ominous black temple that threatened to engulf them.
There they stood, having piloted the Retar-errr... Rehairds... to the black island, having stopped first to investigate some weird glowy circles that led to conversations as well as a few Noishe Stones that were now inneffectual.
Following them along was something a sort of gun metal gray swimming in the ocean like some sort of fantastical porpoise. As Lloyd touched down to activate the Noishe Stone, it launched out of the water with terrific speed like a torpedo and soared over the ground, impacting with a parked Rehaird and clinging to it, quickly changing its colors to fit the pastel white and red of the craft to become nearly invisible to the retarded eye.
After taking off again they finally made it to the temple. Sheena was shakily clinging to Lloyd at the sight of it, it's black tendrilly form reminding her of the day before's incident.
"Like, um, it's okay, Sheena! It's just some rocks and stuff, woah!" Lloyd exclaimed cheerily, giving her a nudge. She supposed he was trying to cheer her up which made her happy, kinda. She nuzzled into his red leather.
"Mmm, Lloyd, you're so strong. Will you protect me?" she asked, pulling onto his arm and pulling it into her chest.
"Like, um, yeah! Because I'm a Guardian and stuff, right? Woah!"
"Guardian, I believe, is the tech you have assigned to down-C even though you can use it by pressing down while guarding, Lloyd," said the Professor briskly as she took charge and started walking towards the mouth of the ruins. "Now we have to get in there and solve whatever stupid puzzle it has in it so that we can rescue Colette!"
From behind came a whiney groan. "Do we have to? I mean, Colette has pretty much served her purpose to the plot, hasn't she? I think there's a fetch quest to heal her but that's pretty much done! And no one here is smart enough to have her be a lethal joke character!" said Genus, putting his hands on his hips and stomping once.
"Yanno, I say we do it. Like, first off this temple got me yesterday which was hella good, yo," said Zelos, gesturing floppily and wiggling his hips. "Plus we have to save my darling little angel Colette! I mean, yeah, I usually prefer a girl with knockers I can die in, but I can dig the loli. They say she's an ironing board, but I'd like to board her with my iron, if you know what I mean. And I mean to stick my dick in her mouth,"
Regal just sort of stood there. He didn't have too many cutscenes, really. A little part of him died inside. I could have been a really well thought out character in this game... but I was cursed to this from the begining by being the oldest, he thought to himself. Sometimes I really miss the inside, I was somebody there. Maybe I should break parole... nah. No one would kick up too much dust over an old crook like me, even if my butthole was so floppy my farts didn't even make sounds anymore.
"Yeah, woah, right! We have to save Colette! Dwarven Vow #7: Always the thing that I don't remember!" shouted Lloyd happily. By this point Sheena was sorta glaring at him and pretty much jamming his hand down her shirt but he didn't seem to take too much notice.
They entered the temple, the thing attached to the Rehaird following stealthily behind them, a waft of menthol-flavored smoke lingering behind it. The gimmick of the temple was a pretty simple one: First you had to fight all the way to the last room, look for the stone that was a little different and use an item you got from the first temple to pry it open and get and item you use in the second room. From here you fought your way back to the first room and then you jump on some moving blocks that take you to a puzzle where you have to decipher a cipher for the numerical alphabet and find out the pattern, which is a short list of prime numbers. From that room you go back to the last room and enter in the code to get in the next room where you find the Sorcerer's Ring powerup. The Sorcerer's Ring makes a blade of pure plasma appear and cut down anything in its path. There was a puzzle where you were supposed to cut beams to certain lengths to fit in place into a giant gear that rotates the entire temple around so that all the rooms change and you do it all over, but Lloyd got bored and just started cutting away at the floor until they got to the lowest chamber where the Summon Spirit was held.
The final room was a cold one, looking like a rejected Yume Nikki level with a throw-up mishmash of colored that combined into a strange sickly purple. Everything was still, everyone too scared to move. Sheena walked forward with Lloyd holding her up to approach the pedestal were the summon lay.
Behind them in the shadows the form that had followed them was getting bored. From his menu he changed from the goggle thingy that let him see people's stats to his iPod. He put it to his favorite end of game shitty metal song and started to nod his head to it, except he couldn't hear it. He noticed that his headphone jack wasn't plugged in so he jammed the first one he got his hands on it. Having accidentally jammed in the jack to his travel speakers, though, the entire room filled with the shitty metal and Solid Snake nearly shit himself.
"Holy shitstain on Meryl's wedding dress, these speakers are loud!" he exclaimed in a rough, scratchy voice responsible for the X-Men movie. "And they only cost me five million Drebin points at the Apple Store!"
"Query: The fuck did you just say?" inquired Presea, strangely inquisitive for her boring character.
Out off nowhere things started to become very confusing. Sheena tripped forward and activated the summon circle and the spirit emerged, seemingly egged on by the shitty metal. He was a tall, swarthy man with long and dark brown hair, dressed evocatively in red sashes and carrying a huge anchor-shaped sword. He bore a strange tattoo on his bare, rippling chest and many scars against his cut physique that looked like he had the body of a linebacker and a swimmer at the same time. He spoke loudly and clearly in a most magnificent voice that thrilled and shook every person in the chamber, resounding deeply off the hewn purple stone walls and cutting through the shitty metal like a gunshot.
"I am Jecht, one bound to the summoner Braska. What is it you have disturbed my totally righteous dreaming dreams the dream dreams about?"
Every panty in the chamber was stricken immediately wet and those without the anatomy of a Ken doll became suddenly, painfully erect. Snake immediately drew his Operator and started fellating the end of it, sliding his tongue up and down the face of the gun.
"I-i-iiii I am the s-s-s-ssssummoner Sheeeenauuuuuuhohgod," Sheena stammered out before falling to her knees and clutching her twicting twat. It was just too much for her and her experience yesterday didn't help.
"Eh? What was that, you little cunt? Don't tell me you've come to try to make a pact with me," resounded Jecht in the most triumphant way possible.
"L-like, woaaah... um... where have I felt this feeling before..." Lloyd nearly fell as everyone except he and Snake were brought to their knees from the awesome effect of Jecht's presence, catching himself by planting his swords into the ground. "It's so... it's like...-"
"Your dad," Snake managed to choke out. "I'm guessing you're the protagonist, kid. I... I'm one too... and the first thing I thought about before I starting giving Operator here his way with me was about how... how awesome my dad Big Boss was. There's a word for it... something specifically fit for a dad..."
"Rad," said a figure in a cool, awesome voice from behind the group. "The quality you are all searching for is Rad."
"KRATOS! What aa-aaare you doing here?" Lloyd screamed out, standing up to charge his father.
"Oh fuck this, yo," Zelos said, having already started fapping. He migrated towards Raine who was rubbing at her crotch with her staff. "So hey baby. If I don't stick this hot rod in something fast I'm pretty sure its head's gonna pop off and give me a black eye."
"I-i-ii-iiii I believe that... of for Christ sake," Raine, having the strength of an extremely menopausal woman who was also hornier than any other milf had ever been ripped off all her clothes at once and mounted Zelos and brutally starting making him the woman. "IF YOU DON'T FUCK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR SPINE TO USE AS A DILDO!"
The chaos had began. Everyone immediately found whoever it was they had been having sexual tension with and started grinding up against eachother. Snake had started ramming his extra ammo clips up his asshole and was whispering "OoOOooooohhh that's good gun" to his Operator. Sheena had started sucking Lloyd off while ramming the hilts of his swords up her two holes, her whole body twitching like a frog plugged into an electrical socket. Presea was trying to have her way with Genus while Regal just watched on because watching was enough for the sick fuck. Rad continued his monolouge as the orgy continued.
"You see, just as the two worlds are bound in competition for mana, there is also two worlds we all have in competition for Radness in," said Kratos, drawing his sword and wading through the mass of writhing bodies that had begun to stink like week old gymsocks. "These worlds are Spira and Earth. In Tethe'ala I and Sylverant I am the greatest deposit of Radness there is, with Zelos here being a far, far, far second. In Earth this used to be a being called Big Boss, but he recently passed away, bringing our worlds and the 4th world in contention. The final bond I need to break to seperate these worlds from ours lays in Spira, with you, Jecht." He sprouted his wings and took flight at Jecht to take him on. "I will kill you, Jecht, and be the Baddest, Raddest Dude to ever have a Bad Rad 'Tude!"
"...you honestly think that will work?" Jecht thrusted forward his hips which stopped Kratos' advancing blade with his strangely thick, knobby cock which now stood vibratingly erect from his sash. "Kratos, you've had your time to play. But just like that faggot of a son I have, you've failed me. I will now absorb your Radness in the traditional way and be rid of your faggotry forever."
For the first time in his totally radical life Kratos was honestly afraid. "Y-you don't mean..."
Jecht wiggled his ass and pounced on Kratos like an awesomely magnificent lion, crushing the much smaller man in his arms and plowing him into the floor face first, ass reared up. He hiked his own buttocks up, shouted "BEHOLD! THE JECHT SHOT MARK XXXII!" and plowed forward, ramming his vibrating and unlubed manliness up Kratos' dirtbutton of a shame-hole. Kratos immediately let out a moan as the painwaves of pleasure washed over him like a $2 carwash. Like a steam engine Jecht pounded at his ass, each time Kratos becoming seemingly smaller. Before long he was chibi-size, during which he evaporated into dream dust of Radness and was absorbed into Jecht through his manliness hole.
"Well, faggots, I don't have a reason to hang around here anymore, although I could fuck all of you silly but I get so much pussy I don't even care. I'm back off to Spira to find that one Lulu chick and bust a big wad right on her tits and play some blitzball," Jecht radly proclaimed, putting his hands on his hips in a super hero pose.
Zelos paused from this one maneuver he learned on the Internet to climb to Jecht's feet and cling to them. "Jecht... you are the closest thing to a father I have ever had ever since my father got busted for all that child pornography. Can... can I come with you?"
"Sure, why the fuck not. You're more like my son than that one faggot... whatshisname... Rüsty? Tidus? Fuck if I know, I'm just gonna call you Nasty. Prepare to always suck at blitzball compared to me."
And with a flash that only took a twinkling of an eye, they were gone.
...
And then they came back for like a second. "Also, just because you led Kratos to me, Colette isn't kidnapped, you just left her in the Meltokio slums because you were taking bets on what the dog there would say."
And with another flash that only took a twinkling of an eye, they were gone.
Suddenly a small robot came in. "Oh my!" it exclaimed, "this is just like one of my Japane-dsfsad"
It was cut off by Snake leaping on top of it like a geriatric frog and mounting it like a tiny emu. "Otakon, take us home. I need some fucking prune juice and some gun oil to clean ol' Operator up." Without question the little faggot of a robot drove off, the wheels squeaking under Snake's weight.
FIN
Author's Note: My vote for your next LP is Deadly Premonition. Tell the thread this. My idea is better than theirs.