AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, Sanvers has been my escape for a while now and the 2x19 promo has me really messed up and if Alex dies… I'm not gonna go there but I wrote this to try and process some of it so that if the worst does come to pass hopefully I won't be completely annihilated. (Written and posted before 2x19 aired.)
Maggie doesn't so much hug Alex as grip her tightly, whispering into her ear how utterly terrified she was for Alex life but also calm because she knew what she had to do and she would do anything to keep her safe. Then her voice is cracking, she's shaking and crying and apologising that this happened to her and that she wasn't there sooner, that they didn't find her, didn't know she was gone. But Alex doesn't reply. She hasn't said much at all since they found her. Maggie pulls back, holding onto her arms but she won't say anything, barely touched her when she held onto her for dear life and Alex doesn't know how to tell her that she can't feel anything right now but a deep numbness. Maggie's touch, her lips, her voice, nothing is reaching her through the deep void between them. There's a disconnect that Alex can't find the words to explain, can't find words at all really because she's stuck inside herself and still feels like she's drowning. The mere thought manages to spark a feeling, fear, and a tiny gasp manages to escape.
Maggie clings to it, hoping to draw more out of her, urges her to tell her how she's doing, what she's feeling, if she's okay, anything, please because the silence is suffocating. But Alex is still fighting the rising water, only this time she can't be saved by Supergirl or Maggie Sawyer, she's going to have to pull herself out of the tank and she doesn't know if she can, she can't move, can't speak and Maggie is standing in front of her desperately trying to hold back her tears because she knows that the longer Alex doesn't speak, doesn't respond, doesn't give any indication of still being in there, the higher the chances they lose her forever.
Alex's chest still hurts and Maggie's is weighed down with the deep sadness that's settled in place of the earlier fear. Even now with Alex safe in hand, she can't stop the stray tears running away from her, the silence piercing her heart. Maybe she was wrong to get Alex discharged so soon, maybe she should have kept her there longer for monitoring, maybe Alex will never speak again, maybe she can't. More tears escape, no longer stray but in a steady stream now and Maggie covers her mouth, shoulders shaking because even though they saved her body, her Alex might be gone and she was so happy, they both were and she feels strange mourning someone who is still alive.
Alex reaches out and touches her cheek, wiping at the tear tracks and Maggie stops breathing to look up at her, both hands are on her face now, her thumbs brushing over her wet cheeks and it only makes her cry harder because maybe it will be okay. She's exhausted and emotionally wrecked, holding her arms out, hoping Alex will step into her. Maggie had expected to be holding Alex, telling her she was okay, she's safe now but instead it's Alex who is holding her, silent and still struggling to break free of herself but there, winding her arms around her waist, head resting on her shoulder and Maggie let's it all out. Something inside of her snapped a while ago but it's taken til now for her to let her emotions go and now she's standing in her apartment, sobbing on Alex shoulder, quietly asking, begging, for Alex to speak to her. Her words are stuck on a loop repeating how scared she was, how she hasn't felt that much fear in her entire life, how she didn't know emotions could feel so strong and tangibly real. Maggie thinks it could be the trauma talking but she whispers 'I love you' because she's certain she wouldn't be in this much pain if she didn't so it must be right. She doesn't know about Alex's tears that have started to fall with hers until there is a small damp patch on her shoulder and she hugs Alex tighter, raising up on her toes to lessen the angle her neck is on and now they're both losing control, shaking together in the middle of the cold apartment.
"You're okay," Alex rasps, her voice rough from disuse and a side effect of drowning.
A tiny choked laugh slips out, "I should be the one saying that." Maggie breathes, deliberate and focused deep breaths to regain control over her raging emotions.
"I'm not okay." Alex pauses, "But I will be, in time."
Maggie pulls back, keeping hold of her forearms, "Are we okay?" Alex nods slowly, they individually might be wrecks, but they as a couple are okay and she's starting to feel like she's returning to her body, finding herself and her voice again. She can feel Maggie's warmth and imagines it seeping through the void in her soul, drawing her in and lulling her back to safety. Finally, hours after leaving the water the cold starts to dissipate from her body and she begins to feel. "What do you need?"
"Just hold me?" Alex voice is down to a whisper because it hurts to speak any louder.
Maggie takes her hand, wiping her damp cheeks again and pulls her over to the couch, sitting across it lengthways and patting her lap. Alex slides in with her back against Maggie's chest but before she can fully settle there she finds it's not enough, she needs to see Maggie, not just feel her so she moves to straddle her legs instead, winding her arms behind her and resting her head on her collar bone. Maggie waits patiently for Alex to find the position that works for her and then lowers her hands to her back, gently rubbing full, slow, strokes from her neck to the waist of her pants and back. Alex doesn't speak again for the rest of the night, her mind is running a marathon still processing everything that's happened and her heart running amuck, the two often conflicting. For now, this is as much as she can handle. Tomorrow is not a thought that has crossed her mind because in this moment it's all she can do to work through today.
Maggie occasionally drops little kisses on the top Alex's head until she falls asleep, emotional exhaustion taking her into a deep, dreamless sleep. It takes Alex considerably longer because her mind just won't stop, like a hamster in a wheel running itself in circles. She sits back, Maggie's hands falling off her back and watches the detective sleep, her mind switching tracks to think about what she'd whispered to her, I love you, and she's not sure if she feels the same, or feels much of anything at all despite everything that's running around her mind. Suddenly she's feeling claustrophobic and squished so she carefully extracts herself from Maggie, moving slowly in the hopes she won't wake up.
Then Alex is running, sprinting down darkened streets with no idea if she's running towards something, away, or around and around like the hamster. A car turns its lights on and Alex bolts, turning down the nearest street, looking over her shoulder and hiding behind a large dumpster. The car passes, it's occupant has no interest in her or why she's running at 3am in the morning. She relaxes and moves away from the alley as a precaution, finding herself across the from park. Alex makes her way over to a bench, legs shaking from the exertion and sits with her head in her hands. The tears come in earnest now and she can't for the life of her figure out why but there's no one to see her so she lets them flow fast and free. Is she losing control again or gaining it? How about her mind? She's made it out alive so what happens next, where does she go from here? Alex can't keep still, leaving the bench behind she meanders around the park in circles, searching for answers to questions she's not even sure she's right to ask.
The sun startles Alex when the sky starts to lighten, has she really been gone that long? She hasn't forgotten that Maggie is still back at her apartment and patting down her pockets she realises that if the detective wakes up and finds her gone-again- she has no way of contacting her to tell her she's okay.
Physically drained, emotionally wrecked, Alex returns home on a slow jog and creeps in the door. Maggie is still asleep on the couch. She bypasses her girlfriend and collapses onto her bed in a heap, exhaustion claiming her before she can even think to take off her shoes. They both have a lot to sort through and a number of conversations they need to have about what has occurred and what will need to happen in the future, but for now sleep is what they both desperately need.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: so, I know this is a bit forwards and backwards but I wanted to really illustrate what a healing process ACTUALLY can look like and it's not always in a forward direction, there is backstepping. Also I started to run out of time to get this posted before the episode airs so it's a bit shorter than I had planned but who knows, maybe I'll fix it up a bit in the future.