TITLE: Day Trip
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. A day of shopping turns out to be a little more entertaining than anticipated for Qui-Gon and his nutty apprentice.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
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Day Trip
=========
Obi-Wan Kenobi sat on the couch, staring thoughtfully at his master before speaking. "How are your hands, Master?"
"The same as yesterday. Useless, for the most part. And these huge bandages that Terran is making me wear. Could he find something a little less obvious? I look like a boxer."
Qui-Gon Jinn had suffered severe burns on both hands two days ago when he had foolishly attempted to fix a blown engine on the shuttle that brought them home to Coruscant. Once landed, Qui-Gon insisted that he had heard a soft clicking sound right before engine 1 blew. Fixing it was no problem. Or so he thought. The master stuck his hands into the engine without thinking and the intense heat wasted no time in engulfing and burning both hands. The healers had worked quickly to treat the burns, but the damage had been done. Now as he sat across from his apprentice in the common area of their quarters he berated himself for his actions as he'd been doing since the accident happened.
"Master, I tried to tell you. But you've never listened to anything I've said before. Why start now, right?"
"Obi-Wan, I don't need a lecture. Thank you. Healer Terran has already provided that service." The big man got up and moved to the kitchen, suddenly hungry. He sighed as he realized that he would need help today as he had for the past two days. Hands...useless indeed.
"Padawan, I need your help. Could you make breakfast for us?"
Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon into the kitchen. "You treat me like dirt and then ask for my help. Is there something wrong with this picture?"
"Without the commentary please."
Reluctantly, the boy fixed breakfast. He then had to assist his master in getting the food from the plate to his mouth. Holding a fork with a large bite of pala-cake on it, Obi-Wan amused himself.
"Okay, Master. Open up. Here comes the speeder. Wait, you want a single engine or a double engine speeder? You know the difference is very distinguishable."
Qui-Gon glared hard at his student. "Obi-Wan..."
"Come on, Master. You have to make the best out of a tough situation. You did something stupid. Deal with it and move on. Open your mouth before this pala-cake ends up on the floor."
Once breakfast was over, Obi-Wan cleaned things up and then sat and exchanged bored glances with his master.
"So, what do we do now? I'm tired of sitting in our quarters and doing nothing. Let's go somewhere, Master. You said the council is granting you temporary leave until your hands are better. Oh, I know, that new shopping plaza. It's only a half hour from here by transport. Everyone keeps telling me about it. Can we go? Can we? Can we? Can we?"
Qui-Gon sighed and rolled his eyes. Something he often found himself doing with his overzealous apprentice. He thought about it and could not come up with a valid excuse not to go. So he gave in. Rather easily to Obi-Wan's surprise. "Okay, we can go. But we have to take a public transport. Parking is horrible there. And I'm not up to walking three miles from the parking lot to the plaza just to go shopping."
The boy slouched into his chair. "Master, a public transport? Those people scare me. And they stare at me all the time. I think some of them want to take me as their padawan."
Shaking his head, Qui-Gon sighed yet again. "Obi-Wan, they don't even know you. Public transport is one of the few places where you are actually quiet. It's a nice break for me. So if you want to go to the plaza..."
"Okay, okay. Just if they get to creepy, you have to hide me in your robe."
"And you consider those people odd? Come on, let's go before I change my mind."
*********
The transport ride was not a smooth one. The driver was fond of quick stops and sudden accelerations after a pick up. Obi-Wan had to hang on to Qui-Gon to keep from flying onto the floor.
//Padawan, let go of me. People are staring.//
//I told you they stare. I can't let go. My young body can't take this kind of abuse. I'll end up on that nasty floor. That's worse than the floor at the holo-theater. Look at that guy over there. He has five eyes, and you see where they are all pointed. He can look at me and you at the same time.//
//That's not hard to do considering that you have plastered yourself to my side. Can you move over just a bit?//
The transport slammed on it's brakes and Obi-Wan, despite the death hold he had on his master, landed onto the floor with a thud. The five-eyed alien moved towards him to help him stand. Obi-Wan flipped out.
"AHHHHHHHH! NO!! I don't want to be your padawan. I wouldn't know how to look you in the eye. Please go away. NOW!"
The stranger walked away, shrugging his shoulders and looking at the older Jedi.
Qui-Gon felt the need to say something. "You'll have to excuse my apprentice. He's a bit on the abnormal side. I've known him for over a year now and I still haven't figured him out." //Obi-Wan get in this seat now. Stop embarrassing me.//
//I warned you about taking public transport, didn't I? One day you'll learn to listen to me.//
//Do you want to turn around right now and go home?//
//No, Master. I'm sorry. It's just, having five eyes it's kinda unnatural. I mean couldn't they make it an even number? Like four? Or six?//
//Please be quiet for the rest of the trip.//
//I love you, Master.//
//Only because I have an even number of eyes.//
**********
The plaza was packed. People and aliens from all walks of life. Obi-Wan's mouth dropped in awe as he saw the size of the place when he and his master walked inside.
"Master, can you believe this place? This is great. I'd like to live here."
"We are just visiting. Hmm, which way should we go first?"
Grabbing Qui-Gon's robe, Obi-Wan pulled him to the left. "This way. They have everything here. Can I get a job here, Master?"
"No, you have a job as a peacekeeper of the galaxy. That will take up enough of your time."
"But I could work at Cinny Buns. Or Siths R Us. Or...whoa. Trolldiva Chocolate. They have the best chocolate in the entire universe. Can we get some?"
Obi-Wan peeked in the window at all the chocolate varieties laid out before him.
"Padawan, you are drooling."
"Huh? Oh, sorry. These robes sure do come in handy sometimes."
"Do not wipe your drool on your robe."
"To late. Master, I want some of that chocolate. Please?"
Qui-Gon glanced at the prepackaged boxes in the front window. Then he got around to the credit tag. "Fifty credits for a box of twelve candies? They have got to be kidding. Unless this chocolate sprouts legs and walks home under it's own power, there is no way I am paying that much for candy. We'll find a cheaper store, Obi-Wan. Besides these are all shaped like little sith trolls."
"Oh, they are. Why didn't I notice that?"
"You were to busy drooling into your robe. Come on, much more of this place to see, let's not spend all our time staring at chocolate."
They walked for a few minutes before stopping in a small store called TVS. It was part drug store and part basic needs store. Qui-Gon was quite limited with browsing since he could not use his hands, so he spent a lot of time staring at things. Obi-Wan had detached himself from the older Jedi's side to roam around the store. He came running back a few moments after he'd vanished.
"Master! Chancellor Val...Vel...Valu...rum...whatever is back there. I think he's buying that sleeping drug."
"Valium?"
"Yes, that's it. Chancellor Valium. He's trying to keep a low profile I think."
"Obi-Wan, it's Chancellor Valorum. He is BUYING valium."
"Ooooooh, okay. I got it. Kinda. Did you want to say hi to him?"
"No, I don't think so. If he's acting like he doesn't want to be seen, than perhaps he doesn't want to be seen. And if you start yapping to him, he'll need more than just valium to get to sleep. We'd better get out of here before he sees us."
*******
They continued their stroll, stopping next at a pet supply store. Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks when he glanced in the window. He saw Master Adi inside. "Master, can I go say hi?"
"Sure, harass a council member. Why not?"
Obi-Wan entered the aisle where he saw Master Adi and yelled from where he was at the end of it. "Master Adi! Hi."
"Ah, Kenobi. Hello. What brings you to the plaza?"
"A public transport, why?"
"No, that's not...oh never mind. How are you?"
"Great. What are you shopping for?"
"Snake food."
It took all of Obi-Wan's will power to not burst out laughing in the councilor's face. "I see. That's nice. I have to go now. Bye."
"Such a strange child," she replied to herself before turning back to the task at hand.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan had run out to Qui-Gon who was waiting on the bench in the middle of the aisle. He slid to a stop and then quickly sat down.
"Obi-Wan, do you realize how pathetic all these men look who are sitting on these benches all up and down this plaza? They are all holding purses and have this look to them that they'd much rather be some place else. This is sad."
"Pathetic life forms. Right up your alley. Anyway, I said hi to Master Adi. Do you know what she's doing in there?"
"Should I?"
"She is buying snake food. Her hair is hungry! Oh man. That just about killed me. Snake food. They don't call her Medusa for nothing."
Qui-Gon managed his large frame from the bench and ushered his apprentice towards another store. "If you insist on making fun of council members, please do so when they are not nearby. Keep moving."
*********
"Master, what are all these little kiosks in the middle of the plaza? Are these people to cheap to be able to afford an entire store?"
"No, Obi-Wan. I am sure they are all fine retailers. It's just cheaper this way and takes fewer employees to run a small stand like this."
"Then they are to cheap. I told you." He stopped moving his lips long enough to see a familiar gray haired man two stands down. "Healer Terran! And he's at the glove stand. Oh, smart move. Mr. Cold Hands will be no longer. Warm them suckers up."
Qui-Gon was looking elsewhere. A salon had caught his attention.
"Master, you can get your hair done there. I bet they have those curlers that you love so much. Did you want to go in and see?"
The master didn't answer, but moved towards the shop. The place was booming with business. Everyone seemed busy with something. The Jedi pair took a look around and began to see familiar faces.
In the back corner, Obi-Wan spotted a dark figure with a numerous strips of cloth covering his bald head. "Is that...that's Master Windu. Is he getting his head waxed? That's how he gets his head so shiny. To bad I didn't bring my image recorder with me. A picture of that would make me the most popular padawan in the temple."
"Oh, they're going to rip the strips off...OUCH!!!!"
"I don't care what universe you're from, that has GOT to hurt! Master don't ever let me go with the bald look. It's just...painful. At least we know now why Master Windu is so unhappy and cranky all the time. If I had to go through that, I'd be cranky too."
Qui-Gon moved towards the display rack where the salon products were being sold. He eyed the curlers as his padawan continued to watch Mace suffer in pain. Several high voices startled the master.
"Qui-Gon? Qui-Gon Jinn? That is you. Hi, honey! Where have you been? Oh, your hair looks very nice. Doesn't it girls?"
The short, round woman reached up and touched his hair and turned to the others who were just behind her. Three other women. All of whom seemed to know Qui-Gon very well. They giggled when he turned around. "Ladies. It's uh...good to see you all again."
"It's good to see you too, you sexy thing you. How do you keep your hair so soft and manageable?"
By now, Obi-Wan had stepped into the conversation. Laughter just under his masked expression. "He uses only the finest curlers. And shampoos once a day. Can you image that? He washes his hair, every single day."
The leader of the small group looked towards the boy. "Qui-Gon Jinn, you have a son? Who's the lucky lady?"
Qui-Gon blushed slightly before replying. "No, this is my apprentice. I am a Jedi. We do not marry. Sorry, ladies. Obi-Wan Kenobi, meet, Ralana, Reeni, Marja and Sela."
Immediately the women attacked Obi-Wan with cheek pinches and hair ruffles.
"He's adorable."
"He's so cute. Can I take him home with me?"
//This is angst, Master. I expect mush to follow.//
"Where did you find this one, Qui-Gon? He's so handsome."
Obi-Wan's face was contorted in pain from all the pinches. Finally the group moved back a few steps. //Master, they DO travel in herds.//
//Quiet. They are nice ladies. Yappy too. You'd get along nicely with them.//
"So, sweetie, how's that sexy Qui-Gon dance of yours coming along?"
//MASTER! You danced for them? Give me something to chew on quick, before I start laughing my butt off.//
//Shut up, Obi-Wan.//
//Should I dance for them too?//
//No, you'll frighten them with your pale body. They aren't prepared for that kind of shock.//
Turning his attention away from his apprentice and back to the ladies, Qui-Gon saw the sympathy in their eyes as they finally noticed the bandages covering his hands.
"Aww, Qui-Gon. What happened to your hands? You should have called me, I would have come over right away to help you with whatever you need."
//I'm gonna tell Master Bren on you. You are four timing her, aren't you? For shame.//
//She already knows about the obsession they have for me at salons. And she's accepted it.//
//Uh huh, but ole Miss Toodles here said she'd come to your home and get you whatever you need. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the code for adult mush.//
//Shut up, Obi-Wan.// Qui-Gon forced his mind away from the boy's. "Ralana, thank you, but they are only minor burns."
//Liar.//
//Obi-Wan!// "I had a slight accident is all. They will heal shortly. Obi-Wan has been quite the help in assisting me with things around the house."
She leaned down and pinched his cheek again. "He does look like the helpful sort. Why don't you ever bring him along with you when you get your hair done at our usual place?"
"Well, I don't think he'd enjoy it to much. Most of the holo-zines here are aimed at mature ladies rather than teenage boys." //Not to mention, you'd run your lips so much and drive everyone insane.//
"Well think about it next time, sugar. I just have to see this pinchable face again."
Obi-Wan forced a smile and then slowly tried to back out of the conversation. He scooted away from the ladies and began walking around the salon. Not watching where he was going, he ran smack into a tall gray haired man. The apprentice looked up and almost screamed. "Um...uh...ah...Senator Ovaltine...I mean...Palpatine."
"Ah, young Kenobi. It's good to see you. Are you here with your master?"
"Uh..."
"Is he here?"
"Ah..."
"You're affinity for words is staggering."
Obi-Wan's eyes were staring at the man's hair. Freshly gelled. "Is that how you get your hair to do that? Gel it?"
"Oh no. This is my natural look. The gel just helps to shine it."
"You were...born like that?"
"Handsome devil aren't I?"
"You're half right."
Palpatine gave the boy a sour look and was about to speak when Qui-Gon placed a bandaged hand on Obi-Wan's back. "Padawan, I need your help. Senator, it's nice to see you looking well."
//Master, stop. He looks like death with hair. Can we leave now?//
"Excuse us please, Senator."
"Of course."
They walked away and back toward the curlers. "Obi-Wan I would like to buy a new set of curlers. Can you get them off the shelf for me? And my credits are in my belt pack."
"Master, it'll look like I am buying them for myself. I don't have any hair to curl. You want to make me look like a fool?"
"You do a wonderful job of that yourself. Just do this for me please."
Curlers purchased, the pair wandered back into the plaza. They decided to stop for something to eat. Obi-Wan was infatuated with the dessert place called Cinny Buns.
"Master, can I get one, please? I promise it's the only sugar I'll have all day."
"Okay, yes. But get me one too. And get me a drink."
Grabbing more credits, Obi-Wan ran to the counter. A few minutes later, he came walking back carrying one bag, one small cup and one huge barrel drink. "Master, look at this drink. It's called Barrel O Baja. Baja juice, Master. Good stuff. Here, I got you an Imporessi. Lots of caffeine."
"I don't think you should drink all that, Obi-Wan."
"I'll be okay. I put a straw in your drink for you. Here's your Cinny Bun. Open wide."
"Do not make any speeder noises. We are in a public place."
"I know that, Master. This is a stealth speeder. Won't make a sound."
With his student's help, Qui-Gon was able to eat the dessert and was able to hold his drink between his bandaged hands. Then he watched as Obi-Wan downed the entire Barrel O Baja in about sixty seconds.
"Okay, I'm ready. Let's shop."
Once again they strolled into the main part of the plaza. They walked past the salon again just in time to see Mace getting the wax strips yanked off his legs. Qui-Gon nodded.
"So that's how he gets his legs to match his head."
"You should try that, Master. You have more hair on your legs than..."
"Obi-Wan!"
"Sorry. Let's get away from this place. I need candy."
"You just told me that you wouldn't be eating anymore sugar."
"Not to eat now. For later...tomorrow. Candy store alert. Right there. And it's not expensive like that Trolldiva place. Uh oh...is that Poofy? He's looking at the lollipops. He must think they are relatives or something. Look, he's mocking them. Baaaack and forrrrrrth. On second thought, I don't need candy that badly."
While Obi-Wan was yapping, Qui-Gon remembered that he was out of duct tape. And the store just ahead was the perfect place to buy a new roll. Troll Depot.
"Obi-Wan, over here. I need to buy something here."
They walked in and stood for a second, allowing their eyes to adjust to the green color that abounded throughout the store.
"This place smells like Master Yoda's quarters. What do you need here, Master?"
"Duct tape. I thought I had bought two rolls a couple weeks ago, but I can't find them. You haven't seen them, have you?"
"Lalalalalala."
"That's what I thought. Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where you have duct tape?"
The clerk who stood at the customer service desk looked up at Qui-Gon. "On aisle C-3 it is. Go there you will."
"Thank you."
Obi-Wan whispered to his master as they wandered away from the desk. "He sounds like Master Yoda, but he's not a troll. What's up with that?"
The paging system went off: "Clean up on aisle B-4 there is. Fall on my butt I did. Clean it up now you will."
"Now THAT sounds like Master Yoda. You think he works here? What aisle did they say the clean up was on?"
"B-4."
"Before what?"
"No, B-4. Wait, never mind. You're just trying to play with my mind. Ah, here we are. Duct tape. So many colors. I thought it just came in gray. What color would you like, Obi-Wan?"
"Why are you asking me?"
"You are the one who will end up wearing it. What color won't clash with your pale face?"
"Funny. How about plaid."
"No, who makes plaid tape anyway?
"Red."
"Sith."
"Green."
"Troll."
"White."
"Pale on pale is not a good idea."
"Pink."
"Matches my curlers."
"Blue."
"Reminds me of death."
"Purple."
"To pimpish."
"Orange."
"Frog-like."
"Master! Then you pick it."
"Let's just go with traditional gray."
"You make things so complicated sometimes. Can we look around before we pay for this?"
"No. Grab that gray roll there. Let's move."
********
The day rolled on and the hours passed by. Qui-Gon's legs were tired, but Obi-Wan was still bouncing.
"Master, can I get a new pair of boxers? My troll head ones are worn out."
"I suppose that's okay. That store there would sell them. Here, grab some credits and go ahead in. I'll wait out here. I need to rest my feet."
"But I need to try them on and need your opinion."
"Find someone in there to ask."
"You want me to ask a complete stranger about my underwear?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Bye, Master."
Obi-Wan hurried into the store and wasted no time finding the boxers. So many different designs and materials he was unsure which to try. Finally he decided on a pair with small blue ghosts on them. He grabbed the hanger and found the fitting room. He got the boxers on before he realized that there was no mirror in the stall he was in, so he had to go out into the main area of the fitting room. The boy stuck his head through a small crack in the door to make sure there was no one around who would see him. Then he snuck out. As he posed in front of the mirror, he felt a creepy presence behind him. He turned around to see a man standing in front of the other mirror. A sight that no one should ever be forced to be witness to.
Senator Palptine. Looking at himself in the mirror. In boxers and black socks.
Obi-Wan took one look and screamed. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MASTER!!" He ran out into the store, still in his boxers. Trying not to hyperventilate, he found Qui-Gon sitting on a bench just outside the store. Obi-Wan rushed to him.
"Master. Please. Help. Scary. You thought I was pale!"
"Obi-Wan! What are you doing? Where are your pants? Did you pay for those? Where is your belt and saber?"
The boy looked down, just now realizing that he was standing in the middle of a crowded plaza with boxers on. "Master! HIDE ME!"
"NO! Get back in there. Get your pants. Pay for those and return to me. You have five minutes. Go."
"He's in there. He's everywhere. In boxers. Black socks. I'll never make fun of your legs again, Master. I promise. Please don't make me go back in."
"Okay, fine. If you want to get arrested for shoplifting, go right ahead. Perhaps a night in lockup might is just what you need."
"Um, no. I'll go back in. But this is going to give me nightmares again."
"What is?"
"Ovaltine is in there, trying on boxers. Master it was horrible. I am scarred for life."
"Oh, my poor padawan. Come here, let me hug you before you go back in there."
"Really?"
"Yes. It has to be a careful hug because of my hands, but come here."
Obi-Wan latched onto Qui-Gon's waist at the man stood up.
"Thank you, Master. I needed this. Will this be the norm from now on when see Ovaltine?"
"No, this is just one time thing. Because I am dead tired and have no energy to fight with you. Just enjoy it."
They broke the embrace and Obi-Wan stood tall. He took a deep breath and marched back into the store. The fitting room was empty and he breathed sigh of relief. But he wasted no time is changing into his pants and heading to the check out. Within minutes he was back at his master's side and ready for the next store.
********
Qui-Gon was beyond tired now. He legs were moving slower and slower. But since the encounter with Palpatine and the boxers, Obi-Wan was much more subdued. So Qui-Gon decided he'd stick things out at the plaza as long as Obi-Wan wanted to stay.
"Master, I have to go."
"I thought you wanted to shop some more."
"No, I have to GO."
"Oh, I see. Okay. Where is the restroom around here?"
"I don't know. But I really need to find one and soon. I think my Barrel O Baja juice has caught up with me."
"I told you."
"Please, Master. This is no time for an 'I told you so' lecture. We need to find a restroom."
They stopped at a map of the plaza. Qui-Gon traced his hand bandage to the place where it said: You are here.
"Padawan, we are here."
"Where is here, Master? Is here near a restroom? Please say yes."
Obi-Wan had crossed his legs and bent his waist over slightly to try and quell the urge. But it wasn't working.
"According to this map, we are here, and the closest restroom is way over here. I think it's back near that Cinny Bun place."
"WHAT? It may as well be on Alderaan then. Why can't they put one on this end of the plaza? I won't make it there, Master. This is getting ugly."
They quickly made their way back in the direction that they believed Cinny Bun's to be. But things were looking bleak. They were lost in the plaza.
"Master, please just ask someone. I will become a human sprinkler soon if you don't."
"I don't need to ask anyone. I'm not lost. Jedi have an superb sense of direction. The Force will lead us to the restroom."
"Just admit you are lost and ASK! PLEASE!"
"Okay, okay." He left Obi-Wan cross legged on a bench and stuck his head into the nearest store. Obi-Wan watched him nod and point a few times before turning to come back.
"Well?"
"Uh, you remember that 'You are here' map that we looked at before?"
"Yes."
"See that map across the aisle?"
"Master! That's the same map. You took me in a circle! Superb sense of direction, huh? That's it. Just give me a cup or a potted plant. I can't hold it any longer."
"You are NOT doing such a thing. We will find this restroom."
"I can't get up, Master. I mean it. If I do, it's all over."
"Okay, just sit there until things uh...calm down."
Loud laughing and giggles descended on the pair as they sat there. Qui-Gon turned and saw Ralana and her small group closing in.
"Qui-Gon, honey! You're still here. And there's that adorable boy of yours. What's wrong with him? Is he in pain? Why does his face look like that?"
"To much baja juice and the restroom is...elusive."
"Oh, come with me sweetie. I know all of the employees at Siths R Us. You can use the employee restroom there." Ralana took Obi-Wan's hand and slowly led him to the store not to far away.
When Obi-Wan returned, he looked like he was about to fall over.
"Padawan?"
"Wow. Master, I feel soooo much better. Like a transport bus has been lifted off of my bladder. Thank you, Ms. Ralana. I owe you. Any time you ever need a hug, you look me up."
"You are so cute. You definitely need to keep this boy, Qui-Gon. But anyway, we have to go. Bye now."
Once they were gone, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan began the plaza walk again.
"Are you tired, Master? You look exhausted. We can go home now if you want to."
"We can stay a bit longer."
They slowly made their way down the center of the plaza. Eventually they stumbled onto a place that did ear piercing. The pair stopped to watch the next customer in line. Obi-Wan had wanted an earring since Master Brazo had appeared with one the previous year.
"Can I get one today, Master?"
"Obi-Wan I told you no earrings. I don't care what Brazo has. You will have hole-free ears while you are my apprentice."
"Can I at least watch how it's done? I think that guy there is gonna have his done. Wait.. Master Brazo?"
Hearing his name, Brazo turned around. Then he put the voice with the face and remembered the hell he was put through when looking after the boy while Qui-Gon was off relaxing and ignoring him. "Oh, um, Obi-Wan. Hello. Sorry, no time for hugs today. I have to get this done and get back to the temple."
Obi-Wan walked closer to where the lady was preparing Brazo's ear for piercing. "Master Brazo, you haven't hugged me since my master went on vacation. Why are you getting your ear pierced again? I thought you already had an earring?"
"The hole became infected. So I am getting a new hole."
"Oh, okay. Master says I can't have an earring until I am a knight. But once I am, I'll be just like you."
"Oh goodie."
"Master Brazo, was I really that bad that you hate me now? I'm just a kid. I didn't mean to drive you insane. I was just happy to spend time with you. I'm sorry for acting like a fool for two weeks. But I love you and I want us to be friends again. I miss your hugs. I don't like the insane version of you."
"Obi-Wan, that's okay. I think I'm getting over that experience. But it's made me slightly gun shy about things. I miss you too. You're the only one who enjoys hugs as much as I do. We'll try this friendship out again and see how it goes. Okay?"
"Okay, I'd like that. Can I watch while you get your ear pierced? Then I'll know what to expect."
"Sure you can."
The lady finished cleaning Brazo's earlobe and took out a small gun-shaped tool. She showed it to Obi-Wan. He saw the size of the needle on the end and moved away just a bit.
"That is gonna go in his ear?"
She nodded as she readied the gun and placed it on the ear. There was a short pop sound followed by Brazo yelling out in pain. "SITH! SITH! SITH! SITH!"
Obi-Wan stood in shock. "Um...ouch. Never mind. No ear piercing for me. Bye, Master Brazo. Come on, Master. I don't enjoy pain. I can't watch anymore of that. Let's do something fun and painless. Like watching paint dry."
"But pain means angst and angst leads to mush."
"Yes, but I don't think that is the type of pain I want to experience voluntarily. I think I see tears in Master Brazo's eyes. I'll find another way to get mush. Let's go. NOW!"
"Excuse me, Master Obi-Wan. You spoke to me how?"
"With disrespect."
"And is that proper padawan behavior?"
"No, but it's the norm for me."
"Right. Silly me. Okay, let's get away from Brazo. Let him cry in peace."
********
Qui-Gon could tell that his apprentice was finally beginning to wear down. He was no longer bouncing and didn't seem to want to move very fast. But he was still wanting to explore every aspect of the plaza. The continued on at a leisurely pace until something caught Obi-Wan's eye.
"Um, Master?"
"Yes?"
"What is that store, Fredericks of Coruscant and why is Master Bren in there?"
He watched as his master face got sith red before saying anything further. "Are you blushing, Master? I want to go say hi to Master Bren. Can I?"
"No, not in that store. Wait till she comes out."
"It's okay. I'll behave. Master Brennnnnnnnnnnnn!" He went running into the store at full speed, not stopping until he almost crashed into his astro-physics teacher.
"Hey, kid! What are you doing here? Where's that stud master of yours?"
"Out in the plaza, turning red."
"Aww, he saw me in here, didn't he?"
"Yup. What is this place? Why are these pieces of clothing so tiny? Oh no, is that a thong? That's nasty. Are you buying that for Master Qui-Gon?"
"You don't think he'd like it?"
"It has little sabers on it. Would match his boxers. But I don't know. I don't like this store. It's creepy. Makes me think about...oh NO! This is an adult mush store, isn't it? Master Bren! Why didn't you tell me this? Gah! Don't buy that for him. That's a very bad image of my master in THAT. Why not just wear a string. Same effect. This...I can't handle this. I have to leave now."
Bren smiled at him. "Okay, I won't buy this for him. But it was going to be a surprise."
"Yeah, surprise all right. He opens it, then dies from shock. Don't kill my master, Master Bren. I'm to young to make it on my own."
"Obi-Wan relax. Let me put this back and you can take me to where Qui-Gon is waiting."
"I think Master Qui-Gon has had it. He can't hardly put one foot in front of the other."
"Aww, my Qui-Poo is tired? I'll fix that."
"Almost. I almost made it through an entire day with no adult mush talk. You two need to learn to control yourselves."
"It's that sexy master dance of his that gets me."
"STOP! Please!"
They found Qui-Gon on a bench in the very center of the plaza, head leaning onto his chest. Snoring softly. Behind him, a music band had just finished setting up and were about to launch the first song. Qui-Gon jolted upright at the initial shock of hearing the music begin "What the?"
"Master! It's the Goo Goo Trolls. My favorite band. Can we stay and watch them?"
Qui-Gon accepted a kiss from Bren before responding to the boy. "I thought Sithbox Twenty was your favorite band? And what about ThirdEyeTroll? The Rolling Siths? The Red Hot Chili Trolls? Aerosith?"
"Okay, okay. I get the point. So I've had lots of favorites in the past two months. But, please just for one song? I promise I won't complain tonight when you and Master Bren kick me out so you can do the adult mush thing."
"Obi-Wan, please don't talk about that in public. How about you stay here for a bit, and Bren and I will go get us something to eat? It's almost...dinner time? Force, we've been here all day long." He sat back, exhausted, but the music was getting louder and he was in no mood for it. "Stay here, Padawan. We'll be back shortly. Help me up, Bren."
With a hand to his arm, Bren pulled the big master from the bench and they went in hunt for food. Obi-Wan was left to dance his way to the front of the crowd.
*******
Thirty minutes later, the two masters arrived to gather up the apprentice and move away from the music.
"Obi-Wan, here. I got your favorite. Cheek-a-Feesh. But if you want it, you have to follow me. I can't eat with all this noise."
Eventually they found an empty table that was far enough away from the band for the noise to be tolerable.
"Master, let me help you with your food."
"NO!" Qui-Gon protested loudly. "You'll just do that 'here comes the speeder' thing. That's embarrassing. Bren can help me this time. Besides, you need your hands to eat your own food. I got you some of the slime green dipping sauce that you like so much."
Obi-Wan saw the tiny size of the drink that accompanied his food and frowned. "Master, did you get me the kid's sized meal? This drink is about the size of a thimble."
"You do remember your experience with the Barrel O Baja, right?"
"Oh," the boy backed down. He thought about the adventure to find a restroom when the barrel of juice had caught up with him. "Good thinking, Master. I'll just drink this small drink. That way I won't even be tempted to use the restroom on the public transport home. Don't even want to think about that."
Bren finished feeding a bite to Qui-Gon when she chimed in. "Public transport? Is that how you two got here? You can ride home with me. Brazo let me borrow his speeder. It's old and beat up, but it runs. Kinda. But you'll have to ignore the blue smoke that pours out of the back of it."
Finishing up his meal, Obi-Wan slumped in his chair and put his head in his hands. The long, exciting day had finally caught up with him. Soon he would be dead to the world.
"Obi-Wan, wake up. I can't carry you to the speeder."
"Huh? Master, do we have to leave so soon?"
"Soon? We've been here for eight hours. I need rest. You need rest. Let's go home."
Bren looked at the boy, now barely able to keep his eyes open. "He's sliding fast, Stretch. We'd better get him moving. The parking area is not far. Obi-Wan, come on. Let's go see if we can find Lima."
"Lying is so evil, Bren."
"Hey, if it works, it works."
The small head popped back up. "Lima? He's here? Where?"
"I think I saw him in the parking area. Get up, see if we can figure out where he went."
He managed his rubbery legs up and started in the direction that Bren pushed him. "Lima...gotta find Lima."
Qui-Gon smiled and shook his head. "That's my padawan. One of a kind."
The speeder was not far from the plaza's exit. Qui-Gon climbed in first and had Bren sit Obi-Wan down beside him. The boy curled up against his master and Qui-Gon put a clumsy bandaged hand around him. Sleep came quickly to the young student.
"Okay, boys. Hang on. This thing does zero to fifty in just under ten minutes." Bren amused herself and angled the speeder out of the lot and back home to the temple.
*******
Once home, Bren parked the speeder, then lifted Obi-Wan from the back seat. "Qui-Gon wake up. I can carry him, but you are on your own. You both need a bed."
The big man grunted as he slowly moved his way out of the back of the speeder. "Remind me not to do this again. I never thought they could build a shopping center that large. It's as big as planet. And Obi-Wan had to see every inch of it. Is he out?"
She looked at the padawan in her arms. 'He's out cold. You could say LIMA to him and he wouldn't wake up."
Abruptly, Obi-Wan's head shot up from where it had been plastered against Bren's shoulder. "Lima? Is he here? Did we find him?"
"Bren, that was so evil of you. You knew he'd wake up if you said that name." Obi-Wan's head fell back against Bren's shoulder again. Qui-Gon smiled. "For once, Obi-Wan and I have something in common. We are both wiped out."
The lift stopped on their floor and a few minutes later, the small group entered the apartment.
"Just take him directly to his room. Could you pull his boots and belt off?"
"Sure." Bren quickly got Obi-Wan settled before returning to the common area. Qui-Gon was in the process of losing consciousness while he sat on the couch. "Hey, Stretch. Go to bed. Before you fall over."
"Good idea. I'm gonna talk to Terran tomorrow about getting smaller bandages for my hands. I can't do anything with these things. Could you tuck me in, Bren?"
"You are indeed a pathetic life form. Just like your apprentice and all those strays you're always picking up. Come on, let's get you settled."
They wandered into the bedroom. "You know, I think we saw everyone at that plaza today. I wonder who was running the temple. Obi-Wan will have to tell you all about his Palpatine in boxer shorts experience."
Bren gave a sour look towards Qui-Gon as he got comfortable in his bed. "That is something that I do not want to think about."
"Oh, but that wasn't bad enough. He was wearing black socks and posing in front of the mirror."
"Okay, stop. Not another word. That's worse than the trolls sucking face. Well, almost. I'll await Obi-Wan's story telling session tomorrow then. Good night, Qui." She bent down and kissed him on the cheek. But by that time, sleep had already claimed victory. She pulled the blanket around his shoulders and padded quietly out. One last peek into Obi-Wan's room to check on him and she left the apartment.
********
Quiet descended and dreams began. Images of Palpatine in boxers and black socks began to fill Obi-Wan's mind. Never could he have realized that a simple shopping trip could lead to such intense nightmares about one man. The dreams eventually woke him up and he got out of bed and staggered to the common area. He saw his master sitting on the couch watching a late night holo-vid.
"Master?" He said sleepily.
"Obi-Wan. Come sit with me."
"Boxers and black socks?"
"Yes."
"Me too. What are you watching?"
"Nothing with Lima in it."
"Oh. That's okay. Can I stay out here with you tonight?"
"Certainly. Next time you go in that store, check for senator legs under the doors before you try anything on. Please."
"Next time? You mean, you'd go back to the plaza after the day we had?"
"Well, since I am beginning to think that sanity is vastly overrated...yes. I would go back there with you. But NOT for an all day event. Just an hour or two is enough for me."
"Thank you, Master. Who's that actor in this holo?"
"This is an old holo, Obi-Wan. Long before Lima was known. Back when holo's were only shown in black and white. This actor was known for his comedy. His name is Grouchy Marko. A favorite of mine. I'm sure he won't make you thud like Lima does. But he might make you laugh."
When Obi-Wan didn't respond, Qui-Gon looked to his left. The boy was sound asleep, hugging a small pillow to his chest. "Or he might put you to sleep."
A blanket was levitated from the arm of a nearby chair and carefully placed over the young Jedi. Qui-Gon said a thoughtful 'goodnight' and then turned his attention back to the monitor. Eventually he laughed himself to sleep. But his time, there were no pale-legged senators in boxer shorts to invade his dreams. After a long and exhausting day, there was only quiet and a last lingering thought.
//If this is what it takes to tire Obi-Wan and get him quiet for a few hours, I am in for a very long ride with this boy. This masterhood stuff is not all it's cracked up to be. I wonder what kind of retirement plan the Jedi have. I've got to remember to look into that. Before my sanity becomes, as Obi-Wan likes to say...elusive.//
END
1
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. A day of shopping turns out to be a little more entertaining than anticipated for Qui-Gon and his nutty apprentice.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
=========
Day Trip
=========
Obi-Wan Kenobi sat on the couch, staring thoughtfully at his master before speaking. "How are your hands, Master?"
"The same as yesterday. Useless, for the most part. And these huge bandages that Terran is making me wear. Could he find something a little less obvious? I look like a boxer."
Qui-Gon Jinn had suffered severe burns on both hands two days ago when he had foolishly attempted to fix a blown engine on the shuttle that brought them home to Coruscant. Once landed, Qui-Gon insisted that he had heard a soft clicking sound right before engine 1 blew. Fixing it was no problem. Or so he thought. The master stuck his hands into the engine without thinking and the intense heat wasted no time in engulfing and burning both hands. The healers had worked quickly to treat the burns, but the damage had been done. Now as he sat across from his apprentice in the common area of their quarters he berated himself for his actions as he'd been doing since the accident happened.
"Master, I tried to tell you. But you've never listened to anything I've said before. Why start now, right?"
"Obi-Wan, I don't need a lecture. Thank you. Healer Terran has already provided that service." The big man got up and moved to the kitchen, suddenly hungry. He sighed as he realized that he would need help today as he had for the past two days. Hands...useless indeed.
"Padawan, I need your help. Could you make breakfast for us?"
Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon into the kitchen. "You treat me like dirt and then ask for my help. Is there something wrong with this picture?"
"Without the commentary please."
Reluctantly, the boy fixed breakfast. He then had to assist his master in getting the food from the plate to his mouth. Holding a fork with a large bite of pala-cake on it, Obi-Wan amused himself.
"Okay, Master. Open up. Here comes the speeder. Wait, you want a single engine or a double engine speeder? You know the difference is very distinguishable."
Qui-Gon glared hard at his student. "Obi-Wan..."
"Come on, Master. You have to make the best out of a tough situation. You did something stupid. Deal with it and move on. Open your mouth before this pala-cake ends up on the floor."
Once breakfast was over, Obi-Wan cleaned things up and then sat and exchanged bored glances with his master.
"So, what do we do now? I'm tired of sitting in our quarters and doing nothing. Let's go somewhere, Master. You said the council is granting you temporary leave until your hands are better. Oh, I know, that new shopping plaza. It's only a half hour from here by transport. Everyone keeps telling me about it. Can we go? Can we? Can we? Can we?"
Qui-Gon sighed and rolled his eyes. Something he often found himself doing with his overzealous apprentice. He thought about it and could not come up with a valid excuse not to go. So he gave in. Rather easily to Obi-Wan's surprise. "Okay, we can go. But we have to take a public transport. Parking is horrible there. And I'm not up to walking three miles from the parking lot to the plaza just to go shopping."
The boy slouched into his chair. "Master, a public transport? Those people scare me. And they stare at me all the time. I think some of them want to take me as their padawan."
Shaking his head, Qui-Gon sighed yet again. "Obi-Wan, they don't even know you. Public transport is one of the few places where you are actually quiet. It's a nice break for me. So if you want to go to the plaza..."
"Okay, okay. Just if they get to creepy, you have to hide me in your robe."
"And you consider those people odd? Come on, let's go before I change my mind."
*********
The transport ride was not a smooth one. The driver was fond of quick stops and sudden accelerations after a pick up. Obi-Wan had to hang on to Qui-Gon to keep from flying onto the floor.
//Padawan, let go of me. People are staring.//
//I told you they stare. I can't let go. My young body can't take this kind of abuse. I'll end up on that nasty floor. That's worse than the floor at the holo-theater. Look at that guy over there. He has five eyes, and you see where they are all pointed. He can look at me and you at the same time.//
//That's not hard to do considering that you have plastered yourself to my side. Can you move over just a bit?//
The transport slammed on it's brakes and Obi-Wan, despite the death hold he had on his master, landed onto the floor with a thud. The five-eyed alien moved towards him to help him stand. Obi-Wan flipped out.
"AHHHHHHHH! NO!! I don't want to be your padawan. I wouldn't know how to look you in the eye. Please go away. NOW!"
The stranger walked away, shrugging his shoulders and looking at the older Jedi.
Qui-Gon felt the need to say something. "You'll have to excuse my apprentice. He's a bit on the abnormal side. I've known him for over a year now and I still haven't figured him out." //Obi-Wan get in this seat now. Stop embarrassing me.//
//I warned you about taking public transport, didn't I? One day you'll learn to listen to me.//
//Do you want to turn around right now and go home?//
//No, Master. I'm sorry. It's just, having five eyes it's kinda unnatural. I mean couldn't they make it an even number? Like four? Or six?//
//Please be quiet for the rest of the trip.//
//I love you, Master.//
//Only because I have an even number of eyes.//
**********
The plaza was packed. People and aliens from all walks of life. Obi-Wan's mouth dropped in awe as he saw the size of the place when he and his master walked inside.
"Master, can you believe this place? This is great. I'd like to live here."
"We are just visiting. Hmm, which way should we go first?"
Grabbing Qui-Gon's robe, Obi-Wan pulled him to the left. "This way. They have everything here. Can I get a job here, Master?"
"No, you have a job as a peacekeeper of the galaxy. That will take up enough of your time."
"But I could work at Cinny Buns. Or Siths R Us. Or...whoa. Trolldiva Chocolate. They have the best chocolate in the entire universe. Can we get some?"
Obi-Wan peeked in the window at all the chocolate varieties laid out before him.
"Padawan, you are drooling."
"Huh? Oh, sorry. These robes sure do come in handy sometimes."
"Do not wipe your drool on your robe."
"To late. Master, I want some of that chocolate. Please?"
Qui-Gon glanced at the prepackaged boxes in the front window. Then he got around to the credit tag. "Fifty credits for a box of twelve candies? They have got to be kidding. Unless this chocolate sprouts legs and walks home under it's own power, there is no way I am paying that much for candy. We'll find a cheaper store, Obi-Wan. Besides these are all shaped like little sith trolls."
"Oh, they are. Why didn't I notice that?"
"You were to busy drooling into your robe. Come on, much more of this place to see, let's not spend all our time staring at chocolate."
They walked for a few minutes before stopping in a small store called TVS. It was part drug store and part basic needs store. Qui-Gon was quite limited with browsing since he could not use his hands, so he spent a lot of time staring at things. Obi-Wan had detached himself from the older Jedi's side to roam around the store. He came running back a few moments after he'd vanished.
"Master! Chancellor Val...Vel...Valu...rum...whatever is back there. I think he's buying that sleeping drug."
"Valium?"
"Yes, that's it. Chancellor Valium. He's trying to keep a low profile I think."
"Obi-Wan, it's Chancellor Valorum. He is BUYING valium."
"Ooooooh, okay. I got it. Kinda. Did you want to say hi to him?"
"No, I don't think so. If he's acting like he doesn't want to be seen, than perhaps he doesn't want to be seen. And if you start yapping to him, he'll need more than just valium to get to sleep. We'd better get out of here before he sees us."
*******
They continued their stroll, stopping next at a pet supply store. Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks when he glanced in the window. He saw Master Adi inside. "Master, can I go say hi?"
"Sure, harass a council member. Why not?"
Obi-Wan entered the aisle where he saw Master Adi and yelled from where he was at the end of it. "Master Adi! Hi."
"Ah, Kenobi. Hello. What brings you to the plaza?"
"A public transport, why?"
"No, that's not...oh never mind. How are you?"
"Great. What are you shopping for?"
"Snake food."
It took all of Obi-Wan's will power to not burst out laughing in the councilor's face. "I see. That's nice. I have to go now. Bye."
"Such a strange child," she replied to herself before turning back to the task at hand.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan had run out to Qui-Gon who was waiting on the bench in the middle of the aisle. He slid to a stop and then quickly sat down.
"Obi-Wan, do you realize how pathetic all these men look who are sitting on these benches all up and down this plaza? They are all holding purses and have this look to them that they'd much rather be some place else. This is sad."
"Pathetic life forms. Right up your alley. Anyway, I said hi to Master Adi. Do you know what she's doing in there?"
"Should I?"
"She is buying snake food. Her hair is hungry! Oh man. That just about killed me. Snake food. They don't call her Medusa for nothing."
Qui-Gon managed his large frame from the bench and ushered his apprentice towards another store. "If you insist on making fun of council members, please do so when they are not nearby. Keep moving."
*********
"Master, what are all these little kiosks in the middle of the plaza? Are these people to cheap to be able to afford an entire store?"
"No, Obi-Wan. I am sure they are all fine retailers. It's just cheaper this way and takes fewer employees to run a small stand like this."
"Then they are to cheap. I told you." He stopped moving his lips long enough to see a familiar gray haired man two stands down. "Healer Terran! And he's at the glove stand. Oh, smart move. Mr. Cold Hands will be no longer. Warm them suckers up."
Qui-Gon was looking elsewhere. A salon had caught his attention.
"Master, you can get your hair done there. I bet they have those curlers that you love so much. Did you want to go in and see?"
The master didn't answer, but moved towards the shop. The place was booming with business. Everyone seemed busy with something. The Jedi pair took a look around and began to see familiar faces.
In the back corner, Obi-Wan spotted a dark figure with a numerous strips of cloth covering his bald head. "Is that...that's Master Windu. Is he getting his head waxed? That's how he gets his head so shiny. To bad I didn't bring my image recorder with me. A picture of that would make me the most popular padawan in the temple."
"Oh, they're going to rip the strips off...OUCH!!!!"
"I don't care what universe you're from, that has GOT to hurt! Master don't ever let me go with the bald look. It's just...painful. At least we know now why Master Windu is so unhappy and cranky all the time. If I had to go through that, I'd be cranky too."
Qui-Gon moved towards the display rack where the salon products were being sold. He eyed the curlers as his padawan continued to watch Mace suffer in pain. Several high voices startled the master.
"Qui-Gon? Qui-Gon Jinn? That is you. Hi, honey! Where have you been? Oh, your hair looks very nice. Doesn't it girls?"
The short, round woman reached up and touched his hair and turned to the others who were just behind her. Three other women. All of whom seemed to know Qui-Gon very well. They giggled when he turned around. "Ladies. It's uh...good to see you all again."
"It's good to see you too, you sexy thing you. How do you keep your hair so soft and manageable?"
By now, Obi-Wan had stepped into the conversation. Laughter just under his masked expression. "He uses only the finest curlers. And shampoos once a day. Can you image that? He washes his hair, every single day."
The leader of the small group looked towards the boy. "Qui-Gon Jinn, you have a son? Who's the lucky lady?"
Qui-Gon blushed slightly before replying. "No, this is my apprentice. I am a Jedi. We do not marry. Sorry, ladies. Obi-Wan Kenobi, meet, Ralana, Reeni, Marja and Sela."
Immediately the women attacked Obi-Wan with cheek pinches and hair ruffles.
"He's adorable."
"He's so cute. Can I take him home with me?"
//This is angst, Master. I expect mush to follow.//
"Where did you find this one, Qui-Gon? He's so handsome."
Obi-Wan's face was contorted in pain from all the pinches. Finally the group moved back a few steps. //Master, they DO travel in herds.//
//Quiet. They are nice ladies. Yappy too. You'd get along nicely with them.//
"So, sweetie, how's that sexy Qui-Gon dance of yours coming along?"
//MASTER! You danced for them? Give me something to chew on quick, before I start laughing my butt off.//
//Shut up, Obi-Wan.//
//Should I dance for them too?//
//No, you'll frighten them with your pale body. They aren't prepared for that kind of shock.//
Turning his attention away from his apprentice and back to the ladies, Qui-Gon saw the sympathy in their eyes as they finally noticed the bandages covering his hands.
"Aww, Qui-Gon. What happened to your hands? You should have called me, I would have come over right away to help you with whatever you need."
//I'm gonna tell Master Bren on you. You are four timing her, aren't you? For shame.//
//She already knows about the obsession they have for me at salons. And she's accepted it.//
//Uh huh, but ole Miss Toodles here said she'd come to your home and get you whatever you need. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the code for adult mush.//
//Shut up, Obi-Wan.// Qui-Gon forced his mind away from the boy's. "Ralana, thank you, but they are only minor burns."
//Liar.//
//Obi-Wan!// "I had a slight accident is all. They will heal shortly. Obi-Wan has been quite the help in assisting me with things around the house."
She leaned down and pinched his cheek again. "He does look like the helpful sort. Why don't you ever bring him along with you when you get your hair done at our usual place?"
"Well, I don't think he'd enjoy it to much. Most of the holo-zines here are aimed at mature ladies rather than teenage boys." //Not to mention, you'd run your lips so much and drive everyone insane.//
"Well think about it next time, sugar. I just have to see this pinchable face again."
Obi-Wan forced a smile and then slowly tried to back out of the conversation. He scooted away from the ladies and began walking around the salon. Not watching where he was going, he ran smack into a tall gray haired man. The apprentice looked up and almost screamed. "Um...uh...ah...Senator Ovaltine...I mean...Palpatine."
"Ah, young Kenobi. It's good to see you. Are you here with your master?"
"Uh..."
"Is he here?"
"Ah..."
"You're affinity for words is staggering."
Obi-Wan's eyes were staring at the man's hair. Freshly gelled. "Is that how you get your hair to do that? Gel it?"
"Oh no. This is my natural look. The gel just helps to shine it."
"You were...born like that?"
"Handsome devil aren't I?"
"You're half right."
Palpatine gave the boy a sour look and was about to speak when Qui-Gon placed a bandaged hand on Obi-Wan's back. "Padawan, I need your help. Senator, it's nice to see you looking well."
//Master, stop. He looks like death with hair. Can we leave now?//
"Excuse us please, Senator."
"Of course."
They walked away and back toward the curlers. "Obi-Wan I would like to buy a new set of curlers. Can you get them off the shelf for me? And my credits are in my belt pack."
"Master, it'll look like I am buying them for myself. I don't have any hair to curl. You want to make me look like a fool?"
"You do a wonderful job of that yourself. Just do this for me please."
Curlers purchased, the pair wandered back into the plaza. They decided to stop for something to eat. Obi-Wan was infatuated with the dessert place called Cinny Buns.
"Master, can I get one, please? I promise it's the only sugar I'll have all day."
"Okay, yes. But get me one too. And get me a drink."
Grabbing more credits, Obi-Wan ran to the counter. A few minutes later, he came walking back carrying one bag, one small cup and one huge barrel drink. "Master, look at this drink. It's called Barrel O Baja. Baja juice, Master. Good stuff. Here, I got you an Imporessi. Lots of caffeine."
"I don't think you should drink all that, Obi-Wan."
"I'll be okay. I put a straw in your drink for you. Here's your Cinny Bun. Open wide."
"Do not make any speeder noises. We are in a public place."
"I know that, Master. This is a stealth speeder. Won't make a sound."
With his student's help, Qui-Gon was able to eat the dessert and was able to hold his drink between his bandaged hands. Then he watched as Obi-Wan downed the entire Barrel O Baja in about sixty seconds.
"Okay, I'm ready. Let's shop."
Once again they strolled into the main part of the plaza. They walked past the salon again just in time to see Mace getting the wax strips yanked off his legs. Qui-Gon nodded.
"So that's how he gets his legs to match his head."
"You should try that, Master. You have more hair on your legs than..."
"Obi-Wan!"
"Sorry. Let's get away from this place. I need candy."
"You just told me that you wouldn't be eating anymore sugar."
"Not to eat now. For later...tomorrow. Candy store alert. Right there. And it's not expensive like that Trolldiva place. Uh oh...is that Poofy? He's looking at the lollipops. He must think they are relatives or something. Look, he's mocking them. Baaaack and forrrrrrth. On second thought, I don't need candy that badly."
While Obi-Wan was yapping, Qui-Gon remembered that he was out of duct tape. And the store just ahead was the perfect place to buy a new roll. Troll Depot.
"Obi-Wan, over here. I need to buy something here."
They walked in and stood for a second, allowing their eyes to adjust to the green color that abounded throughout the store.
"This place smells like Master Yoda's quarters. What do you need here, Master?"
"Duct tape. I thought I had bought two rolls a couple weeks ago, but I can't find them. You haven't seen them, have you?"
"Lalalalalala."
"That's what I thought. Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where you have duct tape?"
The clerk who stood at the customer service desk looked up at Qui-Gon. "On aisle C-3 it is. Go there you will."
"Thank you."
Obi-Wan whispered to his master as they wandered away from the desk. "He sounds like Master Yoda, but he's not a troll. What's up with that?"
The paging system went off: "Clean up on aisle B-4 there is. Fall on my butt I did. Clean it up now you will."
"Now THAT sounds like Master Yoda. You think he works here? What aisle did they say the clean up was on?"
"B-4."
"Before what?"
"No, B-4. Wait, never mind. You're just trying to play with my mind. Ah, here we are. Duct tape. So many colors. I thought it just came in gray. What color would you like, Obi-Wan?"
"Why are you asking me?"
"You are the one who will end up wearing it. What color won't clash with your pale face?"
"Funny. How about plaid."
"No, who makes plaid tape anyway?
"Red."
"Sith."
"Green."
"Troll."
"White."
"Pale on pale is not a good idea."
"Pink."
"Matches my curlers."
"Blue."
"Reminds me of death."
"Purple."
"To pimpish."
"Orange."
"Frog-like."
"Master! Then you pick it."
"Let's just go with traditional gray."
"You make things so complicated sometimes. Can we look around before we pay for this?"
"No. Grab that gray roll there. Let's move."
********
The day rolled on and the hours passed by. Qui-Gon's legs were tired, but Obi-Wan was still bouncing.
"Master, can I get a new pair of boxers? My troll head ones are worn out."
"I suppose that's okay. That store there would sell them. Here, grab some credits and go ahead in. I'll wait out here. I need to rest my feet."
"But I need to try them on and need your opinion."
"Find someone in there to ask."
"You want me to ask a complete stranger about my underwear?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Bye, Master."
Obi-Wan hurried into the store and wasted no time finding the boxers. So many different designs and materials he was unsure which to try. Finally he decided on a pair with small blue ghosts on them. He grabbed the hanger and found the fitting room. He got the boxers on before he realized that there was no mirror in the stall he was in, so he had to go out into the main area of the fitting room. The boy stuck his head through a small crack in the door to make sure there was no one around who would see him. Then he snuck out. As he posed in front of the mirror, he felt a creepy presence behind him. He turned around to see a man standing in front of the other mirror. A sight that no one should ever be forced to be witness to.
Senator Palptine. Looking at himself in the mirror. In boxers and black socks.
Obi-Wan took one look and screamed. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MASTER!!" He ran out into the store, still in his boxers. Trying not to hyperventilate, he found Qui-Gon sitting on a bench just outside the store. Obi-Wan rushed to him.
"Master. Please. Help. Scary. You thought I was pale!"
"Obi-Wan! What are you doing? Where are your pants? Did you pay for those? Where is your belt and saber?"
The boy looked down, just now realizing that he was standing in the middle of a crowded plaza with boxers on. "Master! HIDE ME!"
"NO! Get back in there. Get your pants. Pay for those and return to me. You have five minutes. Go."
"He's in there. He's everywhere. In boxers. Black socks. I'll never make fun of your legs again, Master. I promise. Please don't make me go back in."
"Okay, fine. If you want to get arrested for shoplifting, go right ahead. Perhaps a night in lockup might is just what you need."
"Um, no. I'll go back in. But this is going to give me nightmares again."
"What is?"
"Ovaltine is in there, trying on boxers. Master it was horrible. I am scarred for life."
"Oh, my poor padawan. Come here, let me hug you before you go back in there."
"Really?"
"Yes. It has to be a careful hug because of my hands, but come here."
Obi-Wan latched onto Qui-Gon's waist at the man stood up.
"Thank you, Master. I needed this. Will this be the norm from now on when see Ovaltine?"
"No, this is just one time thing. Because I am dead tired and have no energy to fight with you. Just enjoy it."
They broke the embrace and Obi-Wan stood tall. He took a deep breath and marched back into the store. The fitting room was empty and he breathed sigh of relief. But he wasted no time is changing into his pants and heading to the check out. Within minutes he was back at his master's side and ready for the next store.
********
Qui-Gon was beyond tired now. He legs were moving slower and slower. But since the encounter with Palpatine and the boxers, Obi-Wan was much more subdued. So Qui-Gon decided he'd stick things out at the plaza as long as Obi-Wan wanted to stay.
"Master, I have to go."
"I thought you wanted to shop some more."
"No, I have to GO."
"Oh, I see. Okay. Where is the restroom around here?"
"I don't know. But I really need to find one and soon. I think my Barrel O Baja juice has caught up with me."
"I told you."
"Please, Master. This is no time for an 'I told you so' lecture. We need to find a restroom."
They stopped at a map of the plaza. Qui-Gon traced his hand bandage to the place where it said: You are here.
"Padawan, we are here."
"Where is here, Master? Is here near a restroom? Please say yes."
Obi-Wan had crossed his legs and bent his waist over slightly to try and quell the urge. But it wasn't working.
"According to this map, we are here, and the closest restroom is way over here. I think it's back near that Cinny Bun place."
"WHAT? It may as well be on Alderaan then. Why can't they put one on this end of the plaza? I won't make it there, Master. This is getting ugly."
They quickly made their way back in the direction that they believed Cinny Bun's to be. But things were looking bleak. They were lost in the plaza.
"Master, please just ask someone. I will become a human sprinkler soon if you don't."
"I don't need to ask anyone. I'm not lost. Jedi have an superb sense of direction. The Force will lead us to the restroom."
"Just admit you are lost and ASK! PLEASE!"
"Okay, okay." He left Obi-Wan cross legged on a bench and stuck his head into the nearest store. Obi-Wan watched him nod and point a few times before turning to come back.
"Well?"
"Uh, you remember that 'You are here' map that we looked at before?"
"Yes."
"See that map across the aisle?"
"Master! That's the same map. You took me in a circle! Superb sense of direction, huh? That's it. Just give me a cup or a potted plant. I can't hold it any longer."
"You are NOT doing such a thing. We will find this restroom."
"I can't get up, Master. I mean it. If I do, it's all over."
"Okay, just sit there until things uh...calm down."
Loud laughing and giggles descended on the pair as they sat there. Qui-Gon turned and saw Ralana and her small group closing in.
"Qui-Gon, honey! You're still here. And there's that adorable boy of yours. What's wrong with him? Is he in pain? Why does his face look like that?"
"To much baja juice and the restroom is...elusive."
"Oh, come with me sweetie. I know all of the employees at Siths R Us. You can use the employee restroom there." Ralana took Obi-Wan's hand and slowly led him to the store not to far away.
When Obi-Wan returned, he looked like he was about to fall over.
"Padawan?"
"Wow. Master, I feel soooo much better. Like a transport bus has been lifted off of my bladder. Thank you, Ms. Ralana. I owe you. Any time you ever need a hug, you look me up."
"You are so cute. You definitely need to keep this boy, Qui-Gon. But anyway, we have to go. Bye now."
Once they were gone, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan began the plaza walk again.
"Are you tired, Master? You look exhausted. We can go home now if you want to."
"We can stay a bit longer."
They slowly made their way down the center of the plaza. Eventually they stumbled onto a place that did ear piercing. The pair stopped to watch the next customer in line. Obi-Wan had wanted an earring since Master Brazo had appeared with one the previous year.
"Can I get one today, Master?"
"Obi-Wan I told you no earrings. I don't care what Brazo has. You will have hole-free ears while you are my apprentice."
"Can I at least watch how it's done? I think that guy there is gonna have his done. Wait.. Master Brazo?"
Hearing his name, Brazo turned around. Then he put the voice with the face and remembered the hell he was put through when looking after the boy while Qui-Gon was off relaxing and ignoring him. "Oh, um, Obi-Wan. Hello. Sorry, no time for hugs today. I have to get this done and get back to the temple."
Obi-Wan walked closer to where the lady was preparing Brazo's ear for piercing. "Master Brazo, you haven't hugged me since my master went on vacation. Why are you getting your ear pierced again? I thought you already had an earring?"
"The hole became infected. So I am getting a new hole."
"Oh, okay. Master says I can't have an earring until I am a knight. But once I am, I'll be just like you."
"Oh goodie."
"Master Brazo, was I really that bad that you hate me now? I'm just a kid. I didn't mean to drive you insane. I was just happy to spend time with you. I'm sorry for acting like a fool for two weeks. But I love you and I want us to be friends again. I miss your hugs. I don't like the insane version of you."
"Obi-Wan, that's okay. I think I'm getting over that experience. But it's made me slightly gun shy about things. I miss you too. You're the only one who enjoys hugs as much as I do. We'll try this friendship out again and see how it goes. Okay?"
"Okay, I'd like that. Can I watch while you get your ear pierced? Then I'll know what to expect."
"Sure you can."
The lady finished cleaning Brazo's earlobe and took out a small gun-shaped tool. She showed it to Obi-Wan. He saw the size of the needle on the end and moved away just a bit.
"That is gonna go in his ear?"
She nodded as she readied the gun and placed it on the ear. There was a short pop sound followed by Brazo yelling out in pain. "SITH! SITH! SITH! SITH!"
Obi-Wan stood in shock. "Um...ouch. Never mind. No ear piercing for me. Bye, Master Brazo. Come on, Master. I don't enjoy pain. I can't watch anymore of that. Let's do something fun and painless. Like watching paint dry."
"But pain means angst and angst leads to mush."
"Yes, but I don't think that is the type of pain I want to experience voluntarily. I think I see tears in Master Brazo's eyes. I'll find another way to get mush. Let's go. NOW!"
"Excuse me, Master Obi-Wan. You spoke to me how?"
"With disrespect."
"And is that proper padawan behavior?"
"No, but it's the norm for me."
"Right. Silly me. Okay, let's get away from Brazo. Let him cry in peace."
********
Qui-Gon could tell that his apprentice was finally beginning to wear down. He was no longer bouncing and didn't seem to want to move very fast. But he was still wanting to explore every aspect of the plaza. The continued on at a leisurely pace until something caught Obi-Wan's eye.
"Um, Master?"
"Yes?"
"What is that store, Fredericks of Coruscant and why is Master Bren in there?"
He watched as his master face got sith red before saying anything further. "Are you blushing, Master? I want to go say hi to Master Bren. Can I?"
"No, not in that store. Wait till she comes out."
"It's okay. I'll behave. Master Brennnnnnnnnnnnn!" He went running into the store at full speed, not stopping until he almost crashed into his astro-physics teacher.
"Hey, kid! What are you doing here? Where's that stud master of yours?"
"Out in the plaza, turning red."
"Aww, he saw me in here, didn't he?"
"Yup. What is this place? Why are these pieces of clothing so tiny? Oh no, is that a thong? That's nasty. Are you buying that for Master Qui-Gon?"
"You don't think he'd like it?"
"It has little sabers on it. Would match his boxers. But I don't know. I don't like this store. It's creepy. Makes me think about...oh NO! This is an adult mush store, isn't it? Master Bren! Why didn't you tell me this? Gah! Don't buy that for him. That's a very bad image of my master in THAT. Why not just wear a string. Same effect. This...I can't handle this. I have to leave now."
Bren smiled at him. "Okay, I won't buy this for him. But it was going to be a surprise."
"Yeah, surprise all right. He opens it, then dies from shock. Don't kill my master, Master Bren. I'm to young to make it on my own."
"Obi-Wan relax. Let me put this back and you can take me to where Qui-Gon is waiting."
"I think Master Qui-Gon has had it. He can't hardly put one foot in front of the other."
"Aww, my Qui-Poo is tired? I'll fix that."
"Almost. I almost made it through an entire day with no adult mush talk. You two need to learn to control yourselves."
"It's that sexy master dance of his that gets me."
"STOP! Please!"
They found Qui-Gon on a bench in the very center of the plaza, head leaning onto his chest. Snoring softly. Behind him, a music band had just finished setting up and were about to launch the first song. Qui-Gon jolted upright at the initial shock of hearing the music begin "What the?"
"Master! It's the Goo Goo Trolls. My favorite band. Can we stay and watch them?"
Qui-Gon accepted a kiss from Bren before responding to the boy. "I thought Sithbox Twenty was your favorite band? And what about ThirdEyeTroll? The Rolling Siths? The Red Hot Chili Trolls? Aerosith?"
"Okay, okay. I get the point. So I've had lots of favorites in the past two months. But, please just for one song? I promise I won't complain tonight when you and Master Bren kick me out so you can do the adult mush thing."
"Obi-Wan, please don't talk about that in public. How about you stay here for a bit, and Bren and I will go get us something to eat? It's almost...dinner time? Force, we've been here all day long." He sat back, exhausted, but the music was getting louder and he was in no mood for it. "Stay here, Padawan. We'll be back shortly. Help me up, Bren."
With a hand to his arm, Bren pulled the big master from the bench and they went in hunt for food. Obi-Wan was left to dance his way to the front of the crowd.
*******
Thirty minutes later, the two masters arrived to gather up the apprentice and move away from the music.
"Obi-Wan, here. I got your favorite. Cheek-a-Feesh. But if you want it, you have to follow me. I can't eat with all this noise."
Eventually they found an empty table that was far enough away from the band for the noise to be tolerable.
"Master, let me help you with your food."
"NO!" Qui-Gon protested loudly. "You'll just do that 'here comes the speeder' thing. That's embarrassing. Bren can help me this time. Besides, you need your hands to eat your own food. I got you some of the slime green dipping sauce that you like so much."
Obi-Wan saw the tiny size of the drink that accompanied his food and frowned. "Master, did you get me the kid's sized meal? This drink is about the size of a thimble."
"You do remember your experience with the Barrel O Baja, right?"
"Oh," the boy backed down. He thought about the adventure to find a restroom when the barrel of juice had caught up with him. "Good thinking, Master. I'll just drink this small drink. That way I won't even be tempted to use the restroom on the public transport home. Don't even want to think about that."
Bren finished feeding a bite to Qui-Gon when she chimed in. "Public transport? Is that how you two got here? You can ride home with me. Brazo let me borrow his speeder. It's old and beat up, but it runs. Kinda. But you'll have to ignore the blue smoke that pours out of the back of it."
Finishing up his meal, Obi-Wan slumped in his chair and put his head in his hands. The long, exciting day had finally caught up with him. Soon he would be dead to the world.
"Obi-Wan, wake up. I can't carry you to the speeder."
"Huh? Master, do we have to leave so soon?"
"Soon? We've been here for eight hours. I need rest. You need rest. Let's go home."
Bren looked at the boy, now barely able to keep his eyes open. "He's sliding fast, Stretch. We'd better get him moving. The parking area is not far. Obi-Wan, come on. Let's go see if we can find Lima."
"Lying is so evil, Bren."
"Hey, if it works, it works."
The small head popped back up. "Lima? He's here? Where?"
"I think I saw him in the parking area. Get up, see if we can figure out where he went."
He managed his rubbery legs up and started in the direction that Bren pushed him. "Lima...gotta find Lima."
Qui-Gon smiled and shook his head. "That's my padawan. One of a kind."
The speeder was not far from the plaza's exit. Qui-Gon climbed in first and had Bren sit Obi-Wan down beside him. The boy curled up against his master and Qui-Gon put a clumsy bandaged hand around him. Sleep came quickly to the young student.
"Okay, boys. Hang on. This thing does zero to fifty in just under ten minutes." Bren amused herself and angled the speeder out of the lot and back home to the temple.
*******
Once home, Bren parked the speeder, then lifted Obi-Wan from the back seat. "Qui-Gon wake up. I can carry him, but you are on your own. You both need a bed."
The big man grunted as he slowly moved his way out of the back of the speeder. "Remind me not to do this again. I never thought they could build a shopping center that large. It's as big as planet. And Obi-Wan had to see every inch of it. Is he out?"
She looked at the padawan in her arms. 'He's out cold. You could say LIMA to him and he wouldn't wake up."
Abruptly, Obi-Wan's head shot up from where it had been plastered against Bren's shoulder. "Lima? Is he here? Did we find him?"
"Bren, that was so evil of you. You knew he'd wake up if you said that name." Obi-Wan's head fell back against Bren's shoulder again. Qui-Gon smiled. "For once, Obi-Wan and I have something in common. We are both wiped out."
The lift stopped on their floor and a few minutes later, the small group entered the apartment.
"Just take him directly to his room. Could you pull his boots and belt off?"
"Sure." Bren quickly got Obi-Wan settled before returning to the common area. Qui-Gon was in the process of losing consciousness while he sat on the couch. "Hey, Stretch. Go to bed. Before you fall over."
"Good idea. I'm gonna talk to Terran tomorrow about getting smaller bandages for my hands. I can't do anything with these things. Could you tuck me in, Bren?"
"You are indeed a pathetic life form. Just like your apprentice and all those strays you're always picking up. Come on, let's get you settled."
They wandered into the bedroom. "You know, I think we saw everyone at that plaza today. I wonder who was running the temple. Obi-Wan will have to tell you all about his Palpatine in boxer shorts experience."
Bren gave a sour look towards Qui-Gon as he got comfortable in his bed. "That is something that I do not want to think about."
"Oh, but that wasn't bad enough. He was wearing black socks and posing in front of the mirror."
"Okay, stop. Not another word. That's worse than the trolls sucking face. Well, almost. I'll await Obi-Wan's story telling session tomorrow then. Good night, Qui." She bent down and kissed him on the cheek. But by that time, sleep had already claimed victory. She pulled the blanket around his shoulders and padded quietly out. One last peek into Obi-Wan's room to check on him and she left the apartment.
********
Quiet descended and dreams began. Images of Palpatine in boxers and black socks began to fill Obi-Wan's mind. Never could he have realized that a simple shopping trip could lead to such intense nightmares about one man. The dreams eventually woke him up and he got out of bed and staggered to the common area. He saw his master sitting on the couch watching a late night holo-vid.
"Master?" He said sleepily.
"Obi-Wan. Come sit with me."
"Boxers and black socks?"
"Yes."
"Me too. What are you watching?"
"Nothing with Lima in it."
"Oh. That's okay. Can I stay out here with you tonight?"
"Certainly. Next time you go in that store, check for senator legs under the doors before you try anything on. Please."
"Next time? You mean, you'd go back to the plaza after the day we had?"
"Well, since I am beginning to think that sanity is vastly overrated...yes. I would go back there with you. But NOT for an all day event. Just an hour or two is enough for me."
"Thank you, Master. Who's that actor in this holo?"
"This is an old holo, Obi-Wan. Long before Lima was known. Back when holo's were only shown in black and white. This actor was known for his comedy. His name is Grouchy Marko. A favorite of mine. I'm sure he won't make you thud like Lima does. But he might make you laugh."
When Obi-Wan didn't respond, Qui-Gon looked to his left. The boy was sound asleep, hugging a small pillow to his chest. "Or he might put you to sleep."
A blanket was levitated from the arm of a nearby chair and carefully placed over the young Jedi. Qui-Gon said a thoughtful 'goodnight' and then turned his attention back to the monitor. Eventually he laughed himself to sleep. But his time, there were no pale-legged senators in boxer shorts to invade his dreams. After a long and exhausting day, there was only quiet and a last lingering thought.
//If this is what it takes to tire Obi-Wan and get him quiet for a few hours, I am in for a very long ride with this boy. This masterhood stuff is not all it's cracked up to be. I wonder what kind of retirement plan the Jedi have. I've got to remember to look into that. Before my sanity becomes, as Obi-Wan likes to say...elusive.//
END
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