The Untimely Death of Prince Xizor
Kungfu Jedi
Summary: When Princess Leia is taken hostage by Prince Xizor, Luke attempts to free her using a slightly different tactic... Humor/Parody
Prince Xizor watched in outraged astonishment as Skywalker, Calrissian, and the Wookiee overwhelmed guard after guard- and were steadily making their way toward this level. They would be here soon. Furious that his plan was falling to pieces, he nevertheless had a few tricks left. If anything, he would have the pleasure of blasting Skywalker to the afterlife... right under Vader's nose.
No, perhaps not everything was lost... yet.
And Skywalker would certainly have something to lose.
He smiled menacingly at the Princess, who was blindfolded and cuffed at the table. Good thing he had taken the precaution of securing her. She had somehow escaped Guri, his personal guard (Although how she had managed that was unfathomable to him) and it was purely fortune that he had practically run into her coming into the hall.
Luck hadn't evaded him yet and he fully intended to see that it stayed that way.
"It seems Skywalker holds you in high regard, Princess,"
"I told you we have powerful friends," she snorted disdainfully, seemingly unruffled by the fact she was in mortal danger. He admired the way she carried herself in all this. Like a true princess. She was a worthy adversary. He had a painful reminder of that. Perhaps some more wine would help. Something strong, he thought.
"Powerful?" he challenged skeptically, "The boy is skilled, yes, but he is only a boy. I admire your resolve, your highness, but if you think that a mere boy, a gambler and a wookiee can overpower me- if they do not surrender first, thanks to your charming obligation- you truly have an ill-placed faith."
"I would bet on that," she answered stonily.
"Would you indeed? I must say that if an esteemed person such as yourself puts confidence in such... diversely characterized rescuers, I shall eagerly await the challenge they will bring."
"And I shall enjoy watching it. Know that they are not weaklings who will simply give in to your petty demands because you hold a pretty face. They are used to such charming tactics," she threw at him.
Please, please, don't wait for me, she thought desperately at Luke, straining to use the power she had felt go out from her when she summoned him earlier in her room. It's a trap. It's the same old game. Don't fall for. Be men. Be strong... don't fall for it!
Xizor glanced at the holocam again, frowning slightly as he watched Skywalker swing his lightsaber and actually deflect 4 laser bolts. He remembered Guri's words earlier.
He could certainly qualify for the son of Vader, he thought offhand. No ordinary mortal could move that fast. After watching Guri and Skywalker face off, he decided that he would rather not be the one holding the blaster when the Jedi arrived. Might not be the wisest thing in the world.
No, it would not be a battle of weapons, that was certain. There would be a bargain... and he would be damned if he got any less than Skywalker's death out of it! Well, he would like the Princess too, but shoving Vader out of his seat was a little higher on his priority list at the moment.
Scratch that, he thought, as he watched the Jedi plow through two more security guards. Survival was priority. When was is not?
He sighed. He really needed to get more qualified guards. Then again, he hadn't foreseen 'Renegade Jedi with Killer Wookiee and Corellian Gambler' on an attacker list. However, if he didn't make a plan fast, he wouldn't need any more bodyguards.
Xizor felt the headache return and groaned inwardly. Man, that royal knee was not to be trifled with. Something to drink was definitely in order.
Still watching the holocam, he moved to the table where the bottle of Miruvar wine- which was among the finest in the galaxy- sat. He got out two glasses. Never hurt to share with the enemy- when you had him (or her) in your fist.
Leia recognized the familiar sound.
"Little early to be celebrating isn't it?"
"I pride myself in achieving preparedness."
She felt his smile. Dirty crook.
Luke blocked the oncoming bolts with prepared ease. There weren't too many guards here, at least, nothing he, Chewie and Lando couldn't handle.
Leia. it was the first and foremost thought on his mind. He didn't know an awful lot about Prince Xizor, but from what he had heard, he was not a man to be trifled with.
Why did they all have to be like that?
"Hey Chewie, how many levels you say this place had?" Lando complained. "I think we've done 'em all twice!"
Chewie growled.
"Good! I've about had it with these- argggh!- guards and their-ahhh!- playtime- watch it!- where is she again?"
"She's close, Lando, don't worry," Luke reassured him as he clonked the last guard on the head with the back of his lightsaber. he looked around, satisfied, and then extinguished the weapon.
"That it?"
"GRRwaarrrrrgh!"
"Good idea, Chewie." Lando said. "The landing platform is on the 50th level, one more floor, and you said that Leia was close. Should we have the droids bring the Falcon up?" he asked.
Luke paused, feeling for his friend. Yes, she was close... and she was not alone. He turned to Lando.
"Yes, that'd be good. Have them bring it up here to the platform. You clear the way down the hall, make sure we won't have any inconvenient road blocks on our way out in case we need to make out of here fast. I'll find Leia. She's close, and she's not alone."
"Are you sure you can handle...?"
"I'll be fine Lando. Trust me. We just need a clear way out of here. Don't worry I'll get her. Han would be miffed if we rescued 'her Worship' and then ran to the ship only to be mowed down by the garden droids."
"Deal. C'mon Chewie- careful Luke- Xizor's not a guy you wanna mess with."
"I gathered that."
The young Jedi smiled, turning up the hall, while Lando and the wookiee went the opposite direction.
Chewie growled a question.
"I'm sure he'll be fine, Chewie. The kid's got brains as well as guts. That's gotta count for somethin'. Now let's see if we can't clear this place before someone with more guards shows up. Xizors got friends ya' know."
Luke slowly walked down the elaborate decorated halls, keeping the Force in front of him like a beacon, shining it into the unknown. He came upon a sort of terrace and walked up the steps, his eyes on the door in front of him.
Cautiously, he felt around. There were only two life-forces; Leia's and someone else, most likely Xizor. It was a cold, calculating mind, the very worst kind. And like a cobra in it's den, it waited.
Luke felt his apprehension, his fear, but also his confidence. He had the Princess- what was to stop him? He was counting on his elaborate use of strategy, wits and cunning- the small snake's poison- to get him out of this.
As Luke pondered how to face this "problem", he suddenly had an idea. It was a clever idea, and it just might work- but only if Xizor agreed. If he didn't, Luke would have to move fast, faster than ever in all his training. However, he was counting on the Reptilian's arrogance- the idea that he had already won, that he was in the clear, that he had the advantage over the Jedi.
If I can do that, he thought, he will give me the chance I need to free her. If he wants it like this, he shall get it. Greed can be a powerful ally, as Master Yoda said... Let's see if it works...
Taking a deep breath, he mentally demanded the door to open.
With a hiss, it obeyed, and the young Jedi walked into the cobra's den.
Xizor watched the door open and smiled politely.
"So, Skywalker, it is down to you, and it is down to me."
He was interested to see what the boy would do. He walked in, his eyes darting between the blindfolded prisoner at the table and his opponent next to her.
"If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward."
Skywalker abruptly stopped.
"Let me explain," said Luke warily.
"There's nothing to explain, Skywalker. You're trying to rescue what I've rightfully possessed."
Time to give him a little push in the right direction.
"Perhaps... an arrangement can be reached?" inquired his guest.
"There will be no arrangement in you leaving with more than what you came with,"
Xizor intended to tell him off then and there, before the boy got any ideas.
"Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse," said Skywalker evenly, a little more relaxed than Xizor would have preferred.
What was it with these rebels and their insane stoicism in the most dire of circumstances? It was ridiculous. No matter. He would have his prize soon enough.
"I am afraid so," answered the Prince cunningly, "I cannot compete with your skills, and you are no match for my intelligence in such matters as these,"
"You're that smart?" Luke inquired slyly, sensing an opportunity.
Xizor did not appreciate the rhetoric.
"Let me put it this way: Have you heard of trade agreements? Pacification? Placation? Propitiation?"
"Yes?"
"Moronic negotiating tactics," It was true- better to get it over with- especially when dealing with a Jedi. He didn't exactly know how Skywalker would play out yet as the boy was being dangerously elusive.
"Really?" questioned Luke skeptically, taking the initiative. Arrogance could easily be dealt with, if you were tactful.
"In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."
Now that was unexpected.
Xizor stared, completely baffled. This was... This was...
"For the Princess?"
Luke gave a brief nod,that would have looked conspicuous to anyone with half a brain.
"To the death?" he said incredulously.
Another nod.
Xizor was exhilarated. This was simply delightful!
"I accept!"
It never crossed his mind that Skywalker might have a motive. He had challenged his opponent to a game he knew well. Young fool.
Xizor would savour every minute of this.
"Excellent! Then pour the wine," said the boy as he came forward, an excited look on his face. Leia's frowned, her displeasure evident behind her blindfolded eyes.
"Luke, I don't think-" Xizor cut her off.
"Your Highness, I am in all favor of doing business with a rival. It is of no consequence. Besides, you have great faith in your friends do you not? If you are correct, you have nothing to worry about," he said sweetly as he poured the two glasses half full.
He smiled, glancing at the young Jedi. The boy had no idea what he was getting into. Still, the fact that Xizor had been surprised at this turn of events gnawed at him. Skywalker was up to something. He could feel it. Suspiciously, he watched as the boy slowly reached into his belt and pulled out a small cylindrical vial. He opened it and handed it to Xizor.
"Inhale this, but do not touch," he warned the Prince.
Xizor condescended to the action, sensing no murderous intent, but fully suspecting what it was.
"I smell nothing." Which did not necessarily mean that there was nothing there.
"What you do not smell is called Iocane powder, its properties of which I am sure you are fully aware."
Xizor nodded.
Iocane powder was colorless, odorless, tasteless, and dissolved instantly in liquid. It was commonly used in small doses during interrogation to weaken the blood circulation to the brain, therefore inhibiting the strength of the prisoner. In larger doses, however, it was potentially fatal. His brow furrowed. What was Skywalker up to?
As if in answer, Luke took both glasses and set them on the floor, out of sight. He then took the vial and reached underneath. Xizor frowned this time. What in the blazes...?
Luke gave an inward smile. If everything went accordingly to plan, he would be one very happy Jedi and Xizor would be one very... well, best not to count your banthas before they cast.
He set the two wine glasses back on the table.
Oh, you little tramp!
He saw where this was going now. He had to admit, Skywalker did have a most... entertaining bargaining strategy.
"All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."
"But it's so simple," said Xizor, completely at ease, " All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own glass or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own glass, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me,"
"You've made your decision then?" Luke eyed the Falleen closely. Best not to push his luck. He needed Xizor to play the game a little longer.
"Not remotely. Because Iocane comes from Tatooine, as everyone knows, and Tatoooine is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect." Xizor somehow missed the sarcasm, and looked to be enjoying himself.
"Wait 'til I get going! Where was I?"
"Tatooine."
"Yes, Tatooine. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
"You're just stalling now," said Luke eyed him again, intent on seeing him give in.
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've overcome my guards, my spies, not to mention the empire's weapons, which means you're exceptionally strong, and also have performed impossible feats which no mortal could possibly achieve, using your... unique heritage and your force to assist you, so you could've put the poison into your own glass, trusting on your strength and skill to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my personal bodyguard, and escaped my assassination attempts, among countless others, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Luke could sense the Prince's anxiety. He was gaining the upper hand and they both knew it. All that was left was a little strategizing. Plus, he knew that Xizor knew his... unique heritage, as the prince had so sagely put it. So this was why he had been trying to Kill him. Everything came together in his mind instantly, the plots, the death bounty, the capture over Kothlis...
Xizor was trying to tick off Vader. Or get rid of him. Probably both.
And Vader was seriously Ticked Off.
Nevertheless, he kept his composure.
"You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work." So saying he put on his best stoic expression.
"IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!" Xizor was furious. No one, NO ONE could pull something like this on HIM and get away with it! he had thought he could Kill the boy, but clearly, he was going to
"Then make your choice." Insisted Luke
"I will, and I choose - What in the blazes can that be?!"
Luke turned around abruptly, looking towards the door.
Xizor quickly grabbed both glasses and switched them. Just to be safe.
" What?" Naturally, there was nothing there, as he suspected.
"Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter."
"What's so funny?" asked Luke suspiciously. Of course, he had sensed the switch, but it made no difference. He took a small amount of pleasure in the fact he had his enemy successfully beaten.
"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours."
He reached for his glass and downed it, tasting nothing. He had been counting on the fact that Skywalker would have put the poison into his own cup anyway, as any sensible man would, knowing that any fool would not... best not to think that again.
Skywalker downed his glass as well, as Xizor watched. He smiled. There was no way Skywalker would have drank if his cup had been poisoned.
Hahah, you insolent little brat, I shall have the satisfaction of wacthing you die by your own hand, and... your I have your precious princess. Idiot.
"You guessed wrong." Either way, thought Luke
"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "Never get involved in a Galactic war with an Empire," - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Falleen when death is on the line!" HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...
He froze, and his brain did likewise. Save for one thought.
Oh, Shit.
Luke watched serenely as the Falleen tipped over, his last living thought not lost on the perceptive Jedi. He quickly went over to Leia and took off her blindfold, and mentally opened the handcuffs.
Her large brown eyes were admiring and scolding at the same time.
"And to think, all that time it was your glass that was poisoned. I must say, that was very... entertaining, but I would appreciate it if you would be more reserved with your life for my sake in the future."
"They were both poisoned," he stated.
Leia stared at him in mute shock.
"Iocane, remember?"
She stared at her friend, who was certainly insane, and then at the dead falleen, who was sprawled out on the floor in a most amusing position.
Iocane Powder.
Why did she not think of it before?
Iocane was among some of the poisons that the Alliance had insisted its' members build up an immunity to, as it was common in interrogations.
"You sly little fox," she said coyly, shaking her head. "I did not know you were so skilled in psychological manipulation. You had me fooled, Luke Skywalker. I shall have to be more careful in the political meetings from now on,"
"I just wanted to get you out of here."
"Well, let's get out then," She said, picking up the Xizor's blaster. "Nice negotiating, by the way. Have you ever considering becoming a politician?"
"What? Oh no, Leia, I'm not a politician... politicians are lying, deceitful, despicable- uh, excepting you of course, but they always seem to be at the receiving end of all the crap the people choose to throw at the government. Besides, I couldn't stand for authority like that. I'm too nice to animals..."
They walked down the hall towards the Landing platform.
"Hey, Lando, I've got her. you ready to blast off this thing?" he confidently proclaimed into his comlink.
"You bet, Kid. Where's Xizor?
"...Dead."
"Really? You kill him?"
"Not exactly..."
"What dya' mean?"
"It's a long story..."
"Long ride out of here. And we'll have all the time in the universe to tell it too if you two don't hurry up 'cause Guess Who just Flew in."
"We're coming! We're coming..."
The Emperor watched with detached skepticism and genuine surprise as Skywalker and Prince Xizor exchanged words. He was somewhat. shocked and... annoyed at the outcome.
Xiozr fell over, dead, leaving him with a severe lack of communications, supplies, spies, and overall excessive problematic consequences.
Sly little fox indeed, he thought at Leia's comment. Whatever did that mean? Why in the blazes was Skywalker not affected by the Iocane, one of the more common but deadly poisons?
Clever boy...
But not infallible.
He sighed. A powerful ally was gone thanks to some ridiculous psychological manipulation on Skywalker's stupid intellect, and Skywalker was still alive.
Impetuous brat.
He had learned one thing.
Turning Skywalker to the Dark side was not going to be a piece of cake, if this incident was anything to go by. If he was bold enough to challenge Prince Xizor, Xizor, the criminal mastermind, the patient vendetta beholder, to a battle of wits and win, and walk away with the Princess, Sidious was not about to go wasting words to confuse him.
Maybe I should just Electrocute him and be done with it.
Sure as heck be easier than going through THAT with him, the clever, deceitful wretch...
Hi comlink rang. Vader, no doubt giving the status report concerning his orders on the Imperial Fleet.
"Lord Vader?"
"Master, the Fleet is in position and we have re-routed the interceptors at your orders."
Blunt, and to the point as usual.
He preferred it that way.
Skywalker surely didn't get that psychological malfunction from his Father's side, that was certain.
"Good, Have them prepare to route the Freighter in the Kothlis system to the rebellion immediately,"
"Yes, Master,"
"Oh, and Lord Vader?"
"...Yes?"
"Never challenge your son to a strategical political game."
Wow, I think I wrote that in less than 3 hours...
Cookies to whoever can guess the origin of the story... It was so funny when I saw the Battle of Wits, I instantly thought of Luke as you know who, and Prince Xizor for some reason. Dedicated to Brooke, My friend, for her Birthday.
The Story takes place in Shadows of the Empire, as most of you probably know.