If there is one thing I understand its pain.
My life was pain.
The other thing I understand is darkness. I have seen and experienced it more than almost anyone living, that's for sure.
So I see your pain. I see your darkness. And I see your valiant efforts to hide both.
Can't you see I love you? I love everything about you, even your darkness.
I know you think you are like him and that you are sick. But can't you see that I'm the sick one? There is a part of me that wants it. There is a part of me that loves the fact that you are like him.
Don't get me wrong, I love your tenderness, your sweetness. The way you hold me as if I was precious. It was that part of you that I fell in love with in the first place. Back when I thought that was all there was to you. I was conflicted back then.
I know there are those who know us and wonder why we only became lovers after Kyoto. I know why, not that I will ever tell anyone. Before Kyoto I was torn in two. I loved you, have always and only ever loved you, but I desired him. Part of me was jealous when he would flirt with you, that he would shove me aside because of you. I would hate you then, in that brief moment, and then spend the rest of the time disgusted with myself that I actually wanted him. You seemed so pure then, so pure that I could never desire you. Kyoto changed that.
Suddenly you were dark and dangerous. It was as if there was a crack in your shields that you have yet to find or repair, a crack that shows me your darkness. In that moment I wanted you in a way I have never wanted him. It was then that I decided to kiss you. It was then that I knew that I belonged to you as surely as you belonged to me.
So hit me. Beat me. Rape me. Burn me, bruise me, scar me, break me, and make me bleed. Let the darkness out, I'm not afraid of it. I want it. I want to feel the pain, to be hurt and brutalized, so long as it's you that's doing it. I see it there, when we are close to the edge, I see the shadows creeping up and feel you begin to dig your nails into my flesh. When I see it, when I feel it, I cum. Your darkness thrills me and leaves me wanting more, more pain, more anything.
Because of him I desire the pain. His lasting mark on me is not that which he carved into my skin.
Remember that time you were possessed? When you began to touch me in a way I never thought you would. And then you began to kill me.
You want to know my dirty little secret?
I was hard. What you did to me, all of it, even though I knew it wasn't you, turned me on. That's when I realized that I could want you, but only if you were to hurt me, violate me. After I healed I had to go to the bathroom and jerk off, thinking of you while I did it. Even when I was fighting you, I was turned on. The demon saw it, I know he did, I saw it in his knowing smirk. He knew that right then I wanted you, that all he had to do was say the words and I would gladly spread my legs for him, for you. I was so sickened by that knowledge, so disgusted with myself that I later threw up.
You know what? It doesn't sicken me anymore. Because now I know that there is darkness within you and if I wasn't attracted to it I couldn't truly love you like I do.
I know that there is no way I can tell you this, convey these feelings, these needs to you. You are not in the place where you can hear these words without being scared, without shutting yourself down. I don't want that. I know too much of pain to wish to cause you anymore. I know, in a way most people can never even conceptualize, how physical pain is nothing compared to pain of the soul. Maybe one day I can show you. I doubt it, but you did teach me to hope so I will.
So don't hide your pain Asato, don't hide your darkness. I am old friends with both and they don't scare. I love you and nothing will ever change that.
So just let go.
----AN----
After doing two dark Tsuzuki fics I thought I should do one from Hisoka's POV. This could be considered a companion piece to A Vile Monster or stand on its own.
If you have any requests for fics please leave them in a review and I will try my best to deliver accordingly.