Irreconcillable Behaviour
By Rocket-Strife
Legal Officialalis
All the disgruntled characters depicted here belong to Rennasainse pictures (And I am yet to be able to spell that word...) No copyright infringement intended...don't sue me! Don't take my lively hood away...putting the characters of Xena and Hercules in horribly embarassing situations is my hobby...well, that and my pet rodents...but enough. Enjoy this tale in all it's lusty-ness...
Gabrielle stared at Joxer sourly, her hands gripping tensely at her staff, teeth clenched and jaw set like a viola. Joxer, blissfully unaware of her raging emotions which were most unfortunately about to be directed at him, hummed as he groomed Argo. The bard spoke;
"Joxer..." She spat sharply. Joxer turned around.
"Oh, hey Gabby." He grinned like a village idiot. "All set for the annual drinking competition at Dionysus' shrine?" He stared happily into the horizon with a litlle sigh. Gabrielle's eyes narrowed.
"Did you give any thought to the out house paper you used this morning?" She growled; Joxer looked slightly confused.
"Now now Gabrielle, a warrior's morning ritual is his own personal experience..."
"You idiot!" Gabrielle caught Joxer in an inhumane nose clutch and wrenched the appendage back and forth, generally making Joxer scream like a girl. "You used my scrolls! You used my golden writing for...for your morning ritual!" Her brutal assault continued.
"Ooooh..." Joxer whimpered. "Did I?"
"Yes." Gabrielle exhaled sharply, her grip tightening. Joxer's shriek brought Xena out of the glade.
"What's going on here?" She questioned; Gabrielle released Joxer and stalked away, leaving the Warrior Princess staring after the bard with a confused expression. She shrugged and addressed the slightly battered Mighty one. "Joxer, is Argo ready?"
"Yup..." Joxer said with a wince, rubbing his nose. Xena raised an eyebrow.
"Then saddle her up...we've got some serious drinking to do..."
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero...she was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power...the passion...the danger...her courage will change the world.
---
Hercules and Iolaus strolled through the village merrily, the baked remnants of Callisto* hitched awkwardly over the Demi God's shoulder. (*See 'Wheel of Misfortune') Iolaus, who had remarkably been able to replace his entire wardrobe thanks to Herc's super human sewing skills, was looking most joyful this day.
"Hey Herc...what do you call a thirsty Hydra?"
"De-Hydra...for the tenth time." Hercules muttered. Iolaus looked a little surprised.
"Have I told you that one?"
"Only...a lot." Hercules replied dryly. Iolaus laughed at his joke anyway, and Hercules could have sworn he heard the baked Callisto ceramic moan in frustration. Suddenly the Golden Hunter paused...
"Herc! Look up ahead...it's the Shrine of Dionysus!" He begun gleefully giggling. "The drinking competition for the golden cup of Midas! It's today! Man Hercules, we've gotta go!"
"Why?" Hercules asked stiffly. Iolaus rolled his eyes.
"Because, it'll be fun!"
"I don't drink." Hercules sighed, shaking his head. "If we go, we won't be setting a good..."
But Iolaus was already gone.
This is the story of a time long ago...a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and plagued mankind with suffering. Only one man dared to challange their power...Hercules. Hercules poessessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart. He journeyed the earth, batlling the minions of his wicked stepmother Hera, the all powerful queen of the gods...but, Whenever somebody cried out for help...wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be...Hercules!
---
Xena propped her long, atheletic legs up upon the oaken table, her eyes darting about suspiciously as she called for her ale. Gabrielle swigged her brew dangerously, shoving Joxer away from her with a grunt as Falaffel strode through the golden tavern, selling his delightful little mouse-kebabs to unsuspecting, drunken fools. Suddenly the doors were flung open and there, surrounded by the shining light, was Hercules! Iolaus rushed into the room gleefully and within a blink of an eye Xena was on her feet, staring at Hercules mightily.
"Hercules...we meet again." Xena regarded the Demi-god with a lopsided smile. Hercules strode foward as Iolaus dived onto a couch, clutching at a pitcher of wine. He clasped Xena's arm in a hearty, arm wrenching handshake.
"Xena!" Hercules grinned at the Warrior Princess. Gabrielle was on her feet in a moment, stalking towards Hercules who just happened to be touching her warrior. She stood on his left, pouting, her hands on her hips. Hercules suddenly noticed her. "Gabrielle! How are you?"
"Fine." Gabrielle answered flatly, before grabbing her Xena's arm and dragging her back down to the couch. Hercules sighed and plonked his firm, leather clad buttocks onto a small bar stool. He had absolutely no idea what sort of day he was in for...
---
A girlish cry was heard. Hercules leapt to his feet, sending cups of grog splattering in all directions as he powered through the throng of revelers, staggering through a small huddle of drinkers to where the shriek had come from. Salmoneus goggled at him as Hercules sent him barelling away with a single shove; he said hello to him once he was lolling upon the floor and continued his charge.
"He's stolen the cup! the Cup of Midas!" A girly shriek was heard; which turned out to be Joxer. Hercules launched himself across the bar, breaking many a bottle as he took a firm grip of Autolycus's panties and sent him crashing into a keg. The cup sailed up, up, and then down, conviniently into Herc's out streched hand; Salmoneus began to applaud.
"Autolycus!" Hercules shouted.
"Well, obviously..." The King of Thieves hacked as he struggled pitifully, quite irritated that the Demi-God has forced him to kiss steel keg. Xena, her facial features contorted with irritation and too much cheap swill, stomped foward and wrenched Autolycus up by the scruff of the neck, causing him to dangle in a piteous manner.
"Autolycus." She said in a cold, calm tone. Gabrielle's head appeared.
"Autolycus?!" She snapped.
"Indeed. Autolycus."
"Stop it people!" The King of Thieves demanded. "I know you're all stunned and amazed at my presence, but your wearing my wonderous name out!"
"What are you doing here, Autolycus?" Gabrielle asked with a stiff upper lip. Auto rolled his eyes at the brick thick bard.
"What does it look like, sweet cheeks?" He muttered, snatching away his stolen booty with a sigh; Xena snatched it back and within a blink of an eye, had conked him across the head with it. Iolaus gasped and Joxer winced; Hercules clenched his teeth as the King of Thieves tumbled, bonelessly, to the grimey floor.
"Xena, was that really nessacary?" Hercules demanded. Xena shrugged.
"He hurt my honey joy's feelings." She petted Gabrielle on the head; Gabby gave Hercules a petulant little smirk.
"Oh, for the love of everything sacred..."
"Did I hear the word sacred?"
A blinding flash of purple was seen, and there, among the booze and the revellers, stood Ares, the Big Bad God of War. Strife's head poked around the side of the War God's leather clad side, and he blinked rapidly at Xena kicking at Autolycus upon the ground, Gabby poking him in the buttocks with the blunt side of her staff. Hercules groaned.
"Could this day possibly get any more debauched?!" He muttered; Ares raised a sexy eyebrow.
"Poor little brother...you've got it so hard..." He spun, took grip of the mud encased Callisto standing by the bar, and thrust it foward. "Does this look familiar?!"
"Looks like Calli to me, unc..." Strife informed his uncle quite pointedly; Ares exhaled sharply.
"I know, you obsequious toad..." He shoved a bottle of wine in his nephew's hand. "Go away. Far away."
"Bitchin!" And Strife happily wandered away. Ares continued, now completely forgetting the witty material he had in store for his idiot brother.
"You ruined...destroyed...cancelled my game show!" He was starting to get very annoyed now. Hercules looked rather smug as Iolaus leapt foward, shaking his wrists with a hardy giggle.
"And there's nothing you can do about it!" Iolaus laughed cockily; Ares eyed him and then floored him. Hercules, his fists clinched, stomped towards the God of War, and he would have punched him too, if it had not been for the distraction of Gabrielle kicking at Iolaus at the ground. His hand wrapped around Ares vest, he spun, released and addressed the over achieving sidekick beating his little buddy.
"What do you think you're doing?!"
"Oh get away!" She snapped, addressing the son of Zeus haughtily. "Your not anything anymore, Jerk-ules! Xena is top dog and you and your washed up sidekick are lower than rat dung." She planted her leather clad foot firmly in Iolaus' groin, causing a loud squeal to emanate from the Golden Hunter's lips. "And I'm going to win the sidekick competition today!"
"Sidekick competition?" Hercules replied questioningly; Salmoneus reappeared at his side and handed him a little poster advertising the afternoon's events. Sure enough, there was said competition, the winner recieving the special mystery prize. Gabrielle thrust her nose in the air; Iolaus whimpered upon the floor, and Ares, standing strong among the rabble, called Strife once more to his side. The godling loped through the crowd enthusiastically.
"Strife..." Ares begun, giving Gabrielle such a stare it shut her right up. "How would you feel about representing me in a very important assignment?"
"...What assignment?"
Ares paused; grabbing the program he scrolled down to the challanges. "A professional wrestling bout. Against the two blond bimboes..." He gestured the pouting Gabrielle and Iolaus, lying upon the floor. Strife scratched his head.
"Why?"
"Why do you think...?" Ares muttered; Strife grinned disarmingly.
"Because it will be way cool!" He eyed Gabrielle, who was looking most vicious. "And that one is way phat!"
"...Strife, your showing signs that you think I care again..."
"Sorry unc..." The young god said apolegitically. Hercules opened his mouth to protest this turn of events, but Salmoneus had imposed himself inbetween him and the black leather clad duo and was happily advocating the idea of a wrestling match. Gabrielle smirked and Iolaus looked pumped, Strife was doing his best to look menacing and Xena had fallen to sculling from her bottle. Joxer was massaging Gabby and Autolycus was moaning incoherently upon the floor, Ares had zapped up a nice big wrestling ring...Hercules sighed and he sighed deeply.
"Look, why do these festivals always have to be like this?" Hercules muttered, shaking his head in a disgusted fashion. "Why can't you all get drunk nicely?"
"...Shut up." Ares shoved Hercules away from himself as Salmoneus rushed about, taking the bets with a mad passion. Joxer had placed a dinar on his Gabby, as well as Xena, Autolycus was going for Iolaus, Falaffel liked Ares even though Ares wasn't wrestling, and...Strife was very annoyed no one had wagered anything on him. Hercules swore silently.
"Why does everything have to end in violence with you?!" He demanded of his half brother. Ares rolled his eyes.
"I AM the God of War, you know..." And grabbing Gabrielle by the hair, he flung her willy nilly into the ring, where she landed with a hefty whump. Iolaus giggled and dove through the ropes, followed hesitantly by the Godling of War. Salmoneus had leapt onto a podium as the combatants made their way to the respective corners, and began his speech;
"Ladies and Gentleman...in the red corner we have Iolaus, a man of dubious sexuality...in the black corner we have Strife, a god of dubious intelligence, and in the blue corner we have Gabby...well, just Gabby." He waved at Xena from ringside nervously, who wall rolling her Chakram on her finger unevenly. "Everybody, everybody...let the fight commence!"
"Ha!" Iolaus strode into the middle of the ring, the drinkers drunkenly cheering him on. "I am Iolaus! The golden hunter! And you two are going down!"
"Get out of my face!" Gabrielle shrieked, bitch slapping at him.
"...Yeah..." Strife agreed hesitantly. Ares leapt up upon the ring apron with a nasty look.
"Attack dammit!" He rolled his eyes. "Why didn't I bring Discord along?! I had every opportunity to bring Discord along...she would have ripped Gabby's head off!"
"I'm getting to that part!" Strife spat at his Uncle standing outside. He turned, stalked and imposed himself inbetween the the bickering blondes. "Let's rock..."
Gabrielle shrieked and backhanded him across the back of the head; he stumbled foward where Iolaus put him in a vicious headlock, kneeing him in the face repeatedly. Strife whimpered as Iolaus held him firmly in place; Gabby took a run up and planted her boot directly into his kinky leather jumpsuit covered ass, generally causing him to sprawl across the flaw in an ungainly manner. Iolaus laughed shortly, but soon joined him as Gabrielle blasted him with one heck of a low blow, sniggering as she did so; Xena raised her bottle and gave a drunken cheer.
"Get up, maggot!" Ares shouted; Gabrielle aided Strife in returning to his feet by gripping his hair and giving an inhumane yank from hell. Up he flew, Gabby snarling and ramming him into the turnbuckle, elbowing him in the nose with a series of little shrieks to compliment the move. Iolaus struggled up from the ground, and creeping towards Gabrielle took a firm grip of her legs and sent her slamming down into the mat. Joxer leapt on to the ring apron and leaned precariously over the ropes.
"Gabrielle!" He cried. "Let me sing to inspire you...Joxer the Mighty, he roams through the countryside, he never needs a place to hide...with Gabby as his sidekick, fighting with her little stick..."
"Somebody shut him up!" Ares demanded; Strife rebounded off the ropes and sent Joxer flying; and fly he did, far and wide, but not quite as wide as far. His bogus journey ended shortly but sharply when he collided with the bar, breaking a hell of a lot of bottles; Ares looked bemused by it all; he turned to Salmoneus. "Brilliant...! bring me ale or you die..."
"Ooooh..." And off Sal waddled.
Iolaus had been watching the disruption outside the ring and had given Gabrielle a moment to recover, who was now viciously crawling towards him; Strife flung himself down and took a firm grip of her leg in a futile attempt to at least slow her down. Iolaus turned and he too threw himself to the floor, smacking Gabrielle in the forehead with a well placed elbow drop; Xena leapt to her feet, dashed to the ring and began banging on the canvas.
"Get em Gabrielle!" Xena screamed; Gabrielle kicked repeatedly at Strife's cranium, but Iolaus pounced upon her back and placed her in a camel clutch. Ares giggled and Xena smacked him, Falaffel flung food at the competitors for no reason other than the quality of the alcoholic beverages, Joxer rolled off the counter and Autolycus staggered foward, moaning and flailing. Gabrielle, covered in possum stew screamed a most horrible banshee shriek and flung Iolaus away like a lost little puppy.
"Oooh...ooh!" Strife nervously gripped Gabrielle's foot, but it proved to be a badly plotted move, for she turned and bit him, she bit him straight on the ear. Poor Strife fell backwards as Gabby mauled him, Iolaus trying to aid him but slipping and falling in some cream of giblet soup. Ares muttered unprintable curses at the situation, before spinning towards the ring and hopping onto the apron.
"Strife...you ARE a god, you know!"
"Argh...oh yeah!"
Gabrielle flew very well, she flew very well indeed as Strife's badly aimed bolt smacked her straight in the side of the head. Up, up, up she went, Xena watching her with wide eyes, and then down, down atop of the poigant looking Iolaus. Strife crawled fowards and sat upon them both, Ares sliding in the ring and pacing about gorgeously.
"One...two...threefourfivesixseveneightnineten!" He wrenched the bedraggled Strife up and threw him out of the ring, kicking at Gabrielle and Iolaus with a triumphant laugh. "I, Ares, Referee of War, declare Strife the winner! You may get my autograph when you see fit..."
"Yay..." And Strife passed out. Xena unevenly clambered into the ring.
"Says you..." She snarled, and, someone throwing her a folding chair she smashed him indiscretely across the head. Ares tumbled down like a tonne of bricks, the crowd cheered and Xena leapt upon the turnbuckle and demanded her ale. It was flung to her and she poured it on her head with a grunt; Gabrielle pulled her sorry ass off the floor and rolled outside the ring, Hercules was sighing deeply as Salmoneus had stripped and was running through the tavern in his underwear, Joxer nursed poor defeated Gabrielle and Iolaus, well, he looked so cute when he was unconcious.
"I hope you have all learnt a lesson!" Herc shouted, hopping atop a table and raising a knowledgable finger. Salmoneus fell;
"More wine, more women!"
"Oh lordy lord..." Gabrielle giggled.
Xena strode foward, carrying Ares over her shoulder. "We're going to a lesbian bar. Who's in?"
Many a hand rose, Gabrielle dancing towards Xena enthusiastcally, and hand in hand they departed. Salmoneus followed Gabrielle's graceful dance, and he danced with more grace than you'd expect from a fat, balding man in his underwear. Joxer had attached his special double whammy beer mug straw slurper and was quite happily following suit; Autolycus, who's panties were terribly stretched managed to only steal the bowl of pretzels, but it made him happy. He too left, as did Falaffel who was munching on something crunchy. Strife did not stir, but that was ok, because nobody really liked him anyway; Hercules sighed; he sighed and he leaned against the life size Callisto mud standee; suddenly he paused, knocking tenatively against the mold.
"It's hollow!" He shrieked. "Callisto is free!"
Knowing that the first place Callisto would go would be a lesbian bar (For she surely would be searching for Xena, and where else would Xena be) he strode foward, flinging Iolaus willy nilly over his shoulder, grabbing the prone Strife by the ankle and charging foward...
Will Callisto find Xena and blast her to smithereens?
Will Ares find himself a lesbian?
Will Gabrielle shut up?
All will be revealed probably...in the harrowing contiuation...
Part II: Enter the Lebrys!