Tears Fall Like Rain an Eva ficlet by AngelDragon
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Shin Seiki Evangelion. But I do own this fic-thing.
Warnings/Notes: This is a long, shonen-ai free verse (non-rhyming) poem- like thing from Shinji-kun's point of view mostly about his Kaworu-kun. If you haven't seen the whole series, don't read this yet. And if you don't like shonen-ai then don't read it either. Flames aren't nice so please don't write them to this. This is sort of what I think might have been going through Shinji's head during the last two episodes of the series. Arigato & R & R, onegai? This was sort of inspired by a song I heard somewhere and a doujinshi I read a bit of, I don't remember the names of them. And be prepared for language and really heavy angst. (This IS Shinji's mind I'm writing about after all)
"Some people come into our lives & quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding.
With the passing whisper of our wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for a while.
Leave footprints on our hearts.
And we are never, ever the same.." - (Anonymous)
I'm sitting here in this chair, wishing I could run away again.
I keep playing the same scene over and over again in my mind: what used to be a part of you.. Just dropping away like it had never mattered at all. Just.. Something to be discarded and forgotten. Another task completed. Another death at my hands. More blood on my hands..
I still can't believe that I did what I did. After what had happened between us. It took me a while before I did it, I remember that. Just sitting there behind the controls of that giant Eva and having her hand hold your fragile body tightly.
I couldn't believe that you had actually asked me to kill you.. Did you see me when you looked into the eyes of my giant goddess of death? I know I saw you. You didn't look very afraid. Almost calm. Peaceful even. And with an almost sad smile on your face. How? Why? Were you afraid? I know I was..
You made me so ANGRY! That you could make me feel this way! That you had coaxed these long suppressed feelings from me. I'd hoped that I had mastered them. That I was finally safe from feeling anything about anyone ever again. Getting close to anyone ever again. How foolish I was..
All I could see while I sat there was you. I remembered Kaworu-kun. I saw you for the first time and I was amazed. Amazed that anyone could still have a song in his or her heart. Let alone one that could move me like yours did. The whole world was going to hell.. But you still turned to me in the sunset and smiled at me like we'd known each other for life. You even shared your bed with me..
That smile of yours.. And those mysterious red eyes.. Kami-sama, I'll never forget those. Ever. You spoke to me like you really wanted to know what was on my mind. And what was in my heart. It even seemed like you knew what it was before I did.. There wasn't much left but still you managed to find it and make it grow, like a tiny green shoot amongst an otherwise wilted and lifeless plant.
Do you know how hard it was to do what I did? For every agonizing second a knife twisted its way into me. My conscience taunted me the whole way. "NO you CAN'T kill him! He LOVES you! And YOU love HIM!" one voice of it would say. "Yes! Do it! DO IT NOW!! He's the ENEMY! Not even HUMAN and he betrayed you! Betrayed your feelings!" the other would say.
It was sheer torture Kaworu-kun.. All of them were watching me. Waiting. Seeing if I would have the guts to do what they were all too ready to let me do. Slaughter the one being on this godforsaken shit hole that actually gave a damn whether I lived or died after all was said and done with this whole thing. The only one who wasn't ready to use me for their own purposes..
Did you ever picture a life beyond being an Angel? You didn't seem the type to give in to another person's will.. But you didn't have to die either.. I wanted to be closer to you for longer than the time we were together. The others.. They just never understood. Never would understand or wanted to understand.
I never wanted to be a pilot.. I was content to just live my boring little life and keep on slowly going numb to everything and blending in. I don't know why I kept on going back to it.. But in a way I'm glad I did because in the end it brought me to you.. We were so alike in a lot of ways. Both of us were tools for our 'betters' who had no regard for our thoughts or lives. We were just there because we served a purpose.. We had jobs to do and we did them. We couldn't see a way out. And I'm betting we both thought there was no other way out of it except death..
But as I sit here battling the daemons in my head, listening to the old man drone on and on about his grand plan, I can see that he saw the same conclusion. But that's not what I wanted, Kaworu-kun. I wanted you.. Asuka would never have understood I'm sure. She was too much of a little girl wanting attention from whoever would give it to her. To look at her and acknowledge her existence. And then throw a fit when she didn't get it how she wanted it.
Misato.. Misato was too hung up on not being her father's daughter. And on Kaji. Trying to make herself feel like she wasn't the professional good girl she projected herself to be. She made herself into a slut and a slob just so she could look at herself in the mirror of her mind and say, "I deserve this! I LIKE this!" I'm not sure whether she really believes it or not..
And Ayanami? Well she's too much of a puzzle. I'm not sure how to feel about her.. Somehow she's like my okaasan and somehow she's not. She's just as confused and hopeless as I am. Another of my otoosan's tools. A means to an end and never meant to be anything more than a sort of personal doll- like image of my okaasan for him to have. Was this how you lived your life, Kaworu-kun? Did they make.. Copies of you they stored somewhere?
I'm not sure if I'd want to have a copy of you in my life or not.. Would it still be you? Would it still have your laugh? When it looked at me, would it know me? Would it love me? Ayanami's copies were all so different.. Would it have all the traits and thoughts that made you who you were? Who you could have been? Misato was so cold when I told her how you felt about me. She said that essentially it had been you or me and that only those who had the will to live should win. She said I was strong and you were weak because you'd lost your will. I think she was wrong.. You gave up everything, thinking that you'd made the right decision.
You gave your life to me and I held it literally in my hands.. And I should have said, "NO! DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!" But I never said a word to you. I just looked into those wonderful red eyes of yours and.. Made my Eva twist your head off like a bottle top. I never physically felt a thing, except that I wanted to be sick. But I was crying so hard that I couldn't even see straight. Were you in a lot of pain I wonder? I hope not. I tried to make it quick and painless.
All I want now is to just erase those days and find you again, whole and smiling like when we first met. We could've just left right then and told them all to piss off. I didn't want you to go through what poor Tohji went through.. It would've been nice to lead a normal life with you and just forget the Eva project had ever existed. If only I'd had the guts to just open my mouth and take that risk. So then I thought we'd be pilots together and after the final messenger came, we'd leave. I never dreamed that that 'Final Messenger' would be you.. Maybe I'll see you in the next life. The old man can kiss my ass if he thinks I'm going to live my next life as part of another mass of faceless souls.. Been there, done that. I had something he'll never have and that I'd never give up again if I had the chance.. You, Kao-chan. I'm honored to have been your koi..
*OWARI*
Damn.. That was depressing to write. I felt kind of lousy when I wrote this. Thought it was a good opportunity to get inside Shinji's head. I know it was long for a poem-thing but I couldn't think of what else to call it. Plus it didn't rhyme anyway. Oh well. Hope somebody liked this.
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Shin Seiki Evangelion. But I do own this fic-thing.
Warnings/Notes: This is a long, shonen-ai free verse (non-rhyming) poem- like thing from Shinji-kun's point of view mostly about his Kaworu-kun. If you haven't seen the whole series, don't read this yet. And if you don't like shonen-ai then don't read it either. Flames aren't nice so please don't write them to this. This is sort of what I think might have been going through Shinji's head during the last two episodes of the series. Arigato & R & R, onegai? This was sort of inspired by a song I heard somewhere and a doujinshi I read a bit of, I don't remember the names of them. And be prepared for language and really heavy angst. (This IS Shinji's mind I'm writing about after all)
"Some people come into our lives & quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding.
With the passing whisper of our wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for a while.
Leave footprints on our hearts.
And we are never, ever the same.." - (Anonymous)
I'm sitting here in this chair, wishing I could run away again.
I keep playing the same scene over and over again in my mind: what used to be a part of you.. Just dropping away like it had never mattered at all. Just.. Something to be discarded and forgotten. Another task completed. Another death at my hands. More blood on my hands..
I still can't believe that I did what I did. After what had happened between us. It took me a while before I did it, I remember that. Just sitting there behind the controls of that giant Eva and having her hand hold your fragile body tightly.
I couldn't believe that you had actually asked me to kill you.. Did you see me when you looked into the eyes of my giant goddess of death? I know I saw you. You didn't look very afraid. Almost calm. Peaceful even. And with an almost sad smile on your face. How? Why? Were you afraid? I know I was..
You made me so ANGRY! That you could make me feel this way! That you had coaxed these long suppressed feelings from me. I'd hoped that I had mastered them. That I was finally safe from feeling anything about anyone ever again. Getting close to anyone ever again. How foolish I was..
All I could see while I sat there was you. I remembered Kaworu-kun. I saw you for the first time and I was amazed. Amazed that anyone could still have a song in his or her heart. Let alone one that could move me like yours did. The whole world was going to hell.. But you still turned to me in the sunset and smiled at me like we'd known each other for life. You even shared your bed with me..
That smile of yours.. And those mysterious red eyes.. Kami-sama, I'll never forget those. Ever. You spoke to me like you really wanted to know what was on my mind. And what was in my heart. It even seemed like you knew what it was before I did.. There wasn't much left but still you managed to find it and make it grow, like a tiny green shoot amongst an otherwise wilted and lifeless plant.
Do you know how hard it was to do what I did? For every agonizing second a knife twisted its way into me. My conscience taunted me the whole way. "NO you CAN'T kill him! He LOVES you! And YOU love HIM!" one voice of it would say. "Yes! Do it! DO IT NOW!! He's the ENEMY! Not even HUMAN and he betrayed you! Betrayed your feelings!" the other would say.
It was sheer torture Kaworu-kun.. All of them were watching me. Waiting. Seeing if I would have the guts to do what they were all too ready to let me do. Slaughter the one being on this godforsaken shit hole that actually gave a damn whether I lived or died after all was said and done with this whole thing. The only one who wasn't ready to use me for their own purposes..
Did you ever picture a life beyond being an Angel? You didn't seem the type to give in to another person's will.. But you didn't have to die either.. I wanted to be closer to you for longer than the time we were together. The others.. They just never understood. Never would understand or wanted to understand.
I never wanted to be a pilot.. I was content to just live my boring little life and keep on slowly going numb to everything and blending in. I don't know why I kept on going back to it.. But in a way I'm glad I did because in the end it brought me to you.. We were so alike in a lot of ways. Both of us were tools for our 'betters' who had no regard for our thoughts or lives. We were just there because we served a purpose.. We had jobs to do and we did them. We couldn't see a way out. And I'm betting we both thought there was no other way out of it except death..
But as I sit here battling the daemons in my head, listening to the old man drone on and on about his grand plan, I can see that he saw the same conclusion. But that's not what I wanted, Kaworu-kun. I wanted you.. Asuka would never have understood I'm sure. She was too much of a little girl wanting attention from whoever would give it to her. To look at her and acknowledge her existence. And then throw a fit when she didn't get it how she wanted it.
Misato.. Misato was too hung up on not being her father's daughter. And on Kaji. Trying to make herself feel like she wasn't the professional good girl she projected herself to be. She made herself into a slut and a slob just so she could look at herself in the mirror of her mind and say, "I deserve this! I LIKE this!" I'm not sure whether she really believes it or not..
And Ayanami? Well she's too much of a puzzle. I'm not sure how to feel about her.. Somehow she's like my okaasan and somehow she's not. She's just as confused and hopeless as I am. Another of my otoosan's tools. A means to an end and never meant to be anything more than a sort of personal doll- like image of my okaasan for him to have. Was this how you lived your life, Kaworu-kun? Did they make.. Copies of you they stored somewhere?
I'm not sure if I'd want to have a copy of you in my life or not.. Would it still be you? Would it still have your laugh? When it looked at me, would it know me? Would it love me? Ayanami's copies were all so different.. Would it have all the traits and thoughts that made you who you were? Who you could have been? Misato was so cold when I told her how you felt about me. She said that essentially it had been you or me and that only those who had the will to live should win. She said I was strong and you were weak because you'd lost your will. I think she was wrong.. You gave up everything, thinking that you'd made the right decision.
You gave your life to me and I held it literally in my hands.. And I should have said, "NO! DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!" But I never said a word to you. I just looked into those wonderful red eyes of yours and.. Made my Eva twist your head off like a bottle top. I never physically felt a thing, except that I wanted to be sick. But I was crying so hard that I couldn't even see straight. Were you in a lot of pain I wonder? I hope not. I tried to make it quick and painless.
All I want now is to just erase those days and find you again, whole and smiling like when we first met. We could've just left right then and told them all to piss off. I didn't want you to go through what poor Tohji went through.. It would've been nice to lead a normal life with you and just forget the Eva project had ever existed. If only I'd had the guts to just open my mouth and take that risk. So then I thought we'd be pilots together and after the final messenger came, we'd leave. I never dreamed that that 'Final Messenger' would be you.. Maybe I'll see you in the next life. The old man can kiss my ass if he thinks I'm going to live my next life as part of another mass of faceless souls.. Been there, done that. I had something he'll never have and that I'd never give up again if I had the chance.. You, Kao-chan. I'm honored to have been your koi..
*OWARI*
Damn.. That was depressing to write. I felt kind of lousy when I wrote this. Thought it was a good opportunity to get inside Shinji's head. I know it was long for a poem-thing but I couldn't think of what else to call it. Plus it didn't rhyme anyway. Oh well. Hope somebody liked this.