This is NOT random stupidity, but something I like to call Emo Dribble.

JaerWolf talked me into trying to write something serious so blame her, lol. Thanks Jaer, I do appreciate your advice and encouragement.

Thanks to Jaer for her encouragement and being brave enough to beta this for me.

Thanks also to Star, Night, Shenzi, and Sirius for their encouragement to keep going with this story.

Lost

Chapter 1

Kaidan sat alone, ignoring everything going on around him. Shepard was dead. It didn't seem possible. Saren hadn't defeated her, Sovereign hadn't defeated her. Hell, she'd faced waves of mercs on Elysium, and not only survived, but had held them off until help arrived, something that most people would have thought impossible. Shepard was expected to do the impossible on a daily basis. Until now.

When his escape pod had been picked up they had asked him if he was alright. He couldn't answer. He didn't know, wouldn't know until Shepard stepped from an escape pod herself, making some pithy comment about someone, probably Udina, being pissed about the loss of the Normandy, then vowing to go after whoever or whatever was behind it. He threw himself into helping his fellow crew members. Shepard would expect it of him and he wouldn't let her down. She would be at his side reassuring and mourning with all of them soon.

He looked up at the faces around him, registering that some were missing. People that he'd come to know and trust in a close knit crew united by Shepard and the loyalty she inspired simply by caring about each and every one of them. The fact that she was such a proficient marine was secondary to the fact that she took the time to get to know every member of her crew, knew their strengths and weaknesses, and was genuinely interested in each and every one of them.

As each pod was retrieved they all looked up expectantly, waiting to see their commanding officer, waiting for her to take charge and reassure them that everything would be fine, that they would come out of this nightmare stronger and tighter than before. They all thought they knew her and they did to a certain extent but only he had seen behind the mask. Only he knew the woman behind the Commander Shepard legend that had been built up around her after Elysium. He loved that woman. She made him feel like his biotics weren't something to hide or hold back. She just made him feel.

The hushed voices announced the last pod had been picked up. Shepard would be here soon and everything would be alright again. He looked up as it was brought onboard and opened, adrenaline and anticipation racing through him. Joker was helped out of the pod, one arm held tight against his body. Kaidan looked past him, looked for Shepard, but Joker was alone. His eyes moved back to Joker leaning against the pod wall, his shoulders slumped, his head bowed. He didn't want to believe what he saw written in the pilot's stance. Dr Chakwas moved to help Joker asking him where Shepard was. Joker's head came up. He met Kaidan's gaze for a few seconds and gave a mute shake of his head before lowering his eyes once again.

Kaidan turned and walked, blindly searching for an out of the way corner to have some time to himself, oblivious to the frightened glances that the surviving Normandy crew were giving him. He sank down onto a crate and stared at the floor. He waited for the pain to hit him, braced himself for it, but it didn't come. He felt no emotion at all, he was too numb. He wondered when the grief, the guilt, the self recrimination would come. But none of it mattered anymore. Shepard was dead.