The Mantra of the Anti-Non-Canon Shippers: Or, a Poemicized* Rant Against Extremely Unlikely Fandom Ships

*Not a real word

We'll start with the basics
When Harry met Ron
Nobody could doubt
A great friendship'd begun
But lovers? Oh please!
They don't swing that way
It's doubtful their fun includes midnight forays
In fact, it seems likely, to little old me,
Ron might scream louder than a banshee
And their moods would turn black
They might wheeze and hack
If you suggested they regularly rolled in the sack.

Harry/Hermione, I admit, isn't weird
A sure bet, to some, as Dumbledore's beard
Both brainy, both tactful, both terribly brave
A pairing that hundreds of die-hard fans just crave
But Harmony shippers must admit they're beat
Though they fought long and hard before their defeat
For Ms. Rowling has said, it just isn't so
And if not the writer, who better would know?

Harry and Draco, each prince of their House
"It just isn't right!" Strict canon-ers grouse
How lovely it is, when love blossoms of hate
And in DH slash fics, they're suddenly best of mates
Writhing around in vicious love-fests
This ship's a disaster,
Unlikely at best,
I think they'd both like it
If you gave it a rest!

Draco/Hermione, oh me, oh my
A prettier pair you never will find
But somehow I feel (and Ms. Rowling feels too)
That shagging in bathrooms
Is the last thing they'd do.

Now Draco and Lucius
That father and son
Been many a wondering spectator
About their relationship's nature
What does Draco fear when he is at home?
How forceful is Daddy, when they're all alone?
Now Lucius might be
A great horrid prat
But come now, let's face it:
He might be a Death Eater, but wouldn't do that.

Hermione and Snape, forced together by fate
And unwillingly, naturally, they'll have to mate
They'll part when allowed (well, that is, maybe)
What's this? Gasp! She's carrying his baby?
The canon-adherents are howling with laughter
This ship's just as likely as bears in the rafters
Besides, teacher/student simply just shouldn't happen
No matter how many SHr shippers are supportively clappin'.

Of all other ships too heinous to tell
They're rotting and really, they're starting to smell

Piers and Dudders,
Oh, what the fudders!

Bellatrix/Draco, you can try your best,
But incest will never, no, never be wincest.

And it's the same with Weasley twincest,
Just in the case that you hadn't guessed.

Dobby and anyone just makes me vomit
Like I downed a container of straight-up pure Comet.

Dumbledore nekked makes me want to gag
Let's let that idea just stay in the bag.

The Marauders, they're friends, and definitely not lovers
And sleep's all that happens, beneath their warm covers.

Let's see now, who's left?
Who else's clean minds can we leave bereft?

Harry and Voldemort, now that's just bizarre
How's French-kissing Death gonna help Harry win war?

Maybe Fleur/Ginny, who would have thought?
But that's not a ship I'd really have bought.

Cho Chang and Cedric, well all right, they're cute
But Cedric's now dead, so that ship is moot.

Moaning Myrtle and anyone else also dead
Pray tell how do you get one of those in bed?

This has been great fun, I have to admit
Even if my poetry skills aren't exactly the s#!.
But all things of fun, must come to an end.
Not all ships have been named, I humbly am sorry
Another chapter is possible, so you needn't worry.
Against angry shippers I now will defend
My right to write, and also yours too
Strange as your ships are (you know it's true!)

Reviews I would like, if you feel inclined
I know it's not perfect, I'm not quite (yet) blind
Good night, then, to you! Most pleasant dreams.
And may they be free of non-canon ship themes.