Orokid: I started writing this the day after "Sexy". I had the scene where Brittany, Santana and Holly Holiday all sing "Landslide" stuck in my head, and I found a video that day or the day after that had a majority of Santana's "I love you" speech. During my break at work (since I seem to be there non-stop), I found my notebook in my bag and started writing... which led to the birth of this, the first thing I've written in two months. I will warn you now that it hasn't been looked over other than when I was typing it out, and most of the spelling mistakes have been fixed. Grammar... Well, I'm sure there's a bunch in there, and I'm sorry about them, but, with my schedule, it's hard to find someone to read and correct it. Then again, it's not like I ever did it beforehand either. Ah well. Once again, sorry for the errors.

Anyway... I finished watching Original Songs, and was sad to see that Santana didn't react the way I thought she would have... but, at the same time, she did. Every and their dog knew that angry San was going to come, but I still thought there would be a hint of remorse, as well as a hint that she loved Brittany, but... *Sigh* Maybe next episode. I realize that there wasn't all that much time in the ep for it to happen, plus San will likely be angry for a while. It's in her nature after all. ^^ And she's hot doing it too. My hopes continue on! At the very least, there's fanfiction for me to write my hopes upon.

On an unrelated side note... Am I the only one who noticed the correlation between Santana's mood and her favorite song (Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know")? Hmm...

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Glee. I would ADORE to be on the writing staff for it, and Brittana would already be together by this point, but ce la vie. In the end, I still own nothing except my dreams... and I'm sure many others share that with me.

CHAPTER ONE

Decisions

It had been days since the one moment in Santana's short life that she wanted nothing more than to forget, a moment when she had bared her broken but loving soul to the one person she cared about the most in the world… and had it gently declined. For days, she had cried when no one else was looking, thrown and hit things when no one was around, and simply watched from a painful distance the one person she could never truly have. Her heart had been shattered, and the feigned confidence that had once gotten her through the days was lost from her. She was dying without a wound, Cupid's ill advised arrow the weapon in her murder. All in all, it was unfair.

And yet, if she thought about it, everything that had happened- from the moment her love had gone elsewhere for the affection she craved to what had occurred those days ago- had been her doing and her's alone. After all, wasn't she the one who had pushed her lover away for fear of realizing just what it really was that she had felt? If only she could turn back time and return herself to that moment, to happily agree to do the duet with her and to keep herself from ever saying those dreaded words to the one she adored. "I'm not making out with you 'cause I'm in love with you." The minute they had left her lips back then, she had felt her chest burn in agony, knowing that she had lied to the innocent girl, knowing the truth far too well. If she had just agreed instead of allowing her stupid, scared pride get in the way… then she would have been holding the one she cared for rather than cradling her broken heart.

Closing her locker door, the wounded Latina found herself gazing into the bright blue eyes of a boy who deserved better, deserved to know the truth behind her hurt gaze. It was unfair to him, considering the fact that he had really done nothing wrong, and yet recently she had ignored her phone at all costs for fear of breaking down to whomever it was on the line, ignored his advances and silly behavior that had once put her in a better mood just because he somehow reminded her of the one who truly held tight to her affections… She could offer him no good reason for her actions, at least not one that wouldn't hurt his pride for eternity, and the fact that just looking at him or watching whatever action that would interest her ever so slightly reminded her of the things she couldn't have… She just couldn't take it, couldn't take him, and a part of her couldn't help but feel horrible that she was keeping him from being with someone could could actually appreciate him and his insane logic that was based upon a movie filled with those blue skinned freaks. Whatever they were. All in all, what their relationship had really been based upon were revenge on Quinn for taking the cheer captain title from her, and also on the fear that she would be alone, lost, confused and unloved. Back during the Warblers' performance on Valentine's Day, it had been something Kurt's boy thing had sung in her direction that had cemented it in her mind the fact that she would very likely end up solitary for the rest of her days. "Sometimes it doesn't come at all." Even now, she could recall those words, as well as the apologetic gaze the boy wore, and while she knew that it was simply part of the song and that she was just in the location he had gone to for that part, it still bothered her. So, in the moment when someone came to her for company, she simply took it greedily, uncaring about even her own feelings as she simply reached out for something, anything, to hold onto.

"What?" Her tone was sharp- the usual tone she seemed to bare toward almost everyone… except her…

"You've been avoiding me." She couldn't help scoffing at him, her frustration getting the better of her despite her best efforts to keep it all under wraps. With a roll of her eyes, she turned away from him, walking the opposite way. To her displeasure, she could hear him as he followed, his steps loud and uncouth, the exact opposite of the one she adored who walked gently and carefree. "Will you just talk to me about it? I am your boyfriend, aren't I?" She pursed her lips, hateful of the word he had just spoken, the taste of disgust and bitterness causing her mouth to feel close to opening herself up to let loose her anger on the boy who knew and understood nothing. "Did something happen between you and Brittany?"

Before she could stop herself, she had whipped herself around, glaring at him with an animosity quite unlike her usual stare filled with an anger and hatred that she couldn't help but have, probably something like Hilter would have had for the Jewish… or something like that. He had said her name, the one thing that seemed to put the Latina on an edge that anyone would be fearful to fall off of. "First off, big mouth." Her tone was curt and loud, and she could hear the hustle and bustle of the school hallway grow silent. She knew that people were watching- it had been something she had often used to her advantage over the years of intimidating others. Today though, all she really wanted was for people to keep walking, to let her say her piece to him and leave her the Hell alone. How ironic it was that the one thing she had feared the most was what she wanted most of all right now. "I've had it. With you. With the voices, the quotes the Smurfs-"

"Avatars."

"Whatever." The fact that he had dared to correct her seemed to make her all the madder, but she held herself back from slapping or hurting him like she really wanted to right then. Clenching her fingers tightly into fists, she simply fortified her stature, straightening and strengthening her legs so that she would be ready to either fight or run if she really needed to. "If you really think that being my 'boyfriend'," she raised her hands, giving air quotes to the word she so despised, "means anything more than being my fuck buddy, then maybe you need to find someone who actually gives a rat's ass about you- cause that sure as Hell ain't me." With firm arms, she point him down a hallway that was going a different direction that she wanted to go. "So take this… whatever the Hell it is, or you think it is… shove it up your ass and get out of my sight." Turning again, she was on her way once more, anger fuming as she harshly pushed her way through the throngs of still onlookers. "What the Hell are you looking at?" As she weeded through the faceless nobodies that insisted to stay in her way, she soon found herself gazing straight at the one person who put her in her emotional state. It took her mere seconds to recognize the confusion, the understanding, the apologies, the sadness that were in the other girl's eyes, watching her as they silently stood feet away from one another. She had to have witnessed the blow up… She had to be blaming herself right about now.

Finally, as she felt the sting of renewed tears, the Latina quietly averted her gaze, hands moving to tightly grip the straps of her backpack. With rushed steps, she tried to quickly move past the girl that caused her chest to burn and tighten like it did. Almost home free, she felt the sweet and sour sensation of a familiar hand upon her arm, forcing her to stop when that was the last thing she wanted to do. With a grimace, she looked up to stare into the beautiful eyes that seemed to only bore though her, and she could feel a lone, sad tear escape the stronghold she had been trying her hardest to keep up so that her peers wouldn't know just how weak the school bitch really was. "San, I-"

"What do you want from me, Brittany?" Her voice was soft, broken- very unlike the person she pretended to be. The young woman's tone was gentle, yet it spoke far more of the pain she felt within her heart than she would have preferred it to. "You made your choice, didn't you?" Her words were bitier than before, yet they held no real malice for the person whom she spoke to.

"I didn't yet. I-" The Latina tore her arm from the blond's grip, and she could only liken the feeling to cutting off your own limb. She could still feel the warmth on where the girl had touched her, but she could feel the coldness of reality setting in- and her heart could only mourn the touch she wasn't sure she'd ever feel again.

Swallowing hard, the dark haired girl could only cross her arms, hopeful to protect her heart with what she could. She could feel it breaking again as she tore her chocolate eyes from the beauty who cursed her mind with memories of things, places, she'd never see or feel as long as the vile distance remained between them. "I know." Lowering her head further, curling into herself as much as she could while still standing, Santana felt another tear break free from the prisons that were her tear ducts. "I know," she whispered, sounding nothing short of defeated. Inhaling deeply, she offered the other girl, a small nod, almost as if she had once more repeated herself. Biting on the inside of her cheek, she knew that she was close to breaking, close to letting loose the words and feelings that she had within.

But it was the squeak of an oncoming wheelchair that brought her back to her senses, reminded her that there was no way for her to show the other girl how she truly felt right now. Clenching her hand tightly into a fist, the frustration immediately dissipated into sadness, and her fingers released themselves gently. Clearing her throat, she lowered her head, unable to meet the girl's eyes. "I… I gotta go." She wasn't ever sure if she knew where she had to go, let alone if she would even be going to class after everything that had just happened, but she knew that it was better, safer, for everyone for her to get out of there.

She could feel the blond's eyes upon her as she walked away, pained and unsure, caught in between love and honesty.

Artie wheeled himself over to his beautiful girlfriend, his be speckled eyes unnoticing of the far away gaze she was giving an emptying hallway. His mood was light and cheerful, and a smile was etched onto his features with a carefree ease that he only felt while around the young woman. "Hey, Brittany." He gave a wave, although it was lost upon the girl, her eyes still glued upon the hall as if she was hoping for something, anything, to happen.

"Hey." Her tone was barren, devoid of the usual emotions that bubbled within her voice, and the wheelchair-bound boy seemed to know automatically that something was bothering the girl. In moments, he took notice of the things he hadn't before, from the lost puppy dog gaze to the small tears she seemed to be holding back. A part of him couldn't help but wonder if she even realized that she was withholding them from their peers, or if she had simply done it instinctively, knowing that someone would take notice and ask the usually cheerful girl what was wrong.

"Brittany?" Artie's voice was kind and concerned, and the unasked question hung in the air between them.

The blond turned her eyes toward the young man, and his curiosity and concern simply doubled as he looked into her confusion and pain, wanting to know what was going on in her mind. He watched as she slowly lifted her arm, placing her hand upon her chest where her heart would be, and, for some unknown reason, he could feel his anxiety build as he watched her. "Am I… a good person?"

The question itself caught him off guard, and he couldn't help but wonder where it had come from. Turning his gaze upon the emptying hall, he tried to realize if something had transpired before he had appeared. Looking the opposite way, he caught sight of a dumbfounded yet angry Sam kicking the closest locker to him. Putting two and two together, he could only be left with a singular conclusion- Santana had passed through. The young man's eyebrows knitted together, thinking back to the last week, from the time his girlfriend had sung that song with her best friend till this exact moment. Before, he could rarely remember a moment when he hadn't seen the girls with their pinkies locked together, whispering secrets into each other's ears, the closest of friends he had ever seen. True, he knew that there had been times when the line had been crossed, and the friends did things that only lovers should, but that was all in the past, and the two of them weren't like that anymore with one another. But lately… A man would have had to be blind not to see the split. No longer did they lock their pinkies and whisper secrets. No longer were they together at almost every moment of each and every day. At first, he had accepted it greedily, happy to finally have some time with his girlfriend without her best friend in tow, whether it was in real life or through their phones. Yet he grew worried, quietly so, as the days went on, and he couldn't help the nagging feeling like he was losing her. The vacant looks, the distant stares, the unexplainable fatigue… It all because more and more apparent that the friends had separated on not so great terms.

Still, the only thing he could do was be supportive of her until both she and the school's wicked witch of McKinley High's student body made up. "Baby, of course you are." Ge cracked a loving smile, reaching up from the metal arm rests so to touch her hand. "You're the best." The young man's smile soon faltered, watching as the normally cheerful girl made a face, seemingly unhappy with his words no matter how supportive he may have sounded. His hand soon feel back to his lap, averting his eyes as he tried his hardest to think of something that would soon put a grin back onto the beautiful girl's lips… but nothing seemed to come to mind. Chewing on the inside of his bottom lip, he knew what had to be done. "Something happened, didn't it? Between you and Santana, right?" His questions were more like statements, knowing the answers far too well. Brittany's head fell ever so slightly, but her eyes met the floor, unable to look him in the eyes if she attempted to lie. She made no move to answer him, probably trying to think of something to say, or trying not to think about everything that had obviously gone on between the two of them. Inhaling, knowing that he was probably going to get himself knee deep in something he shouldn't, he offered her another gentle, loving smile and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

The blond opened her mouth, rising her blue eyes to look at his face, searching for the will to tell him everything- but he watched as it closed, keeping him from whatever it was that was bothering her. Once more, her eyes fell to her feet, ashamed and sad, and the hand that had been over her heart moved to cross before her, holding her arm as she tried to look anywhere other than at him. "I… can't."

"Why?" He sounded a little incredulous, having always had the chance for open conversations with the girl before him. Whether it had been about their feelings or if the tooth fairy truly existed, she had always come to him, and they had talked it all out. But here she was, telling him that this was something that he couldn't know.

"It's complicated." Complicated was never one word he had ever thought would leave her mouth, having no idea that she even knew the word let alone the fact that he had known her to be a very uncomplicated girl. His eyebrows furrowed once again, curious and afraid about what this meant for him. Usually, she kept things from him on one occasion only- if it would hurt him. "It's just… something between us." Had they gotten into a fight over him? And, if so, what was it ever about? Her body turned to face him completely, yet her eyes remained on the ground. "Artie, I… I think I'm a bad person." Biting her bottom lip visibly, he knew now that she was definitely holding herself back from the tears that threatened to fall. The wheelchair-bound teenager watched her, helpless and confused, fearful and hurt. "I have to go. I… I'll see you at glee club, alright?"

With that, it was his turn to watch her walk away from him, only to disappear as she turned down another hall. Was he really losing her?

Santana stood silently on the empty stage in the theater, letting the tears fall as she valiantly tried and failed to keep him from doing so. She couldn't remember when she had gotten there, or even how long she had been standing center stage, but she was thankful for the empty audience. At least no one would be there to see her break down. Her hands were on her chest, hoping to quell the burn of her heartache which continued within her relentlessly. Inhaling deeply, quickly taking in as much air as she could, she exhaled and did the same a few times more until her tears had somehow subsided. 'So this is how it's gonna be…' The young woman gave a short laugh, irony and anger in it's tone as she used one of her palms to wipe away the rivers of woe that continued to stream down her cheeks. 'Every time he's around, I'm going to run and cry. Great.' Another shot of laughter filled with frustration and bitterness left her lips, and her arms moved to wrap tightly around her own waist. "I'm… so pathetic."

"I can't quite agree with you."

The Latina whipped her head around, looking for the source of the voice, terrified that someone had seen her after she had tried so hard to keep her heartache hidden away. Her features stiffened, hopeful to hide her aches and pains with the sudden tenseness of all her muscles. It wasn't long until she found herself staring straight into the soft, knowing eyes of the very hairy pianist for the club, the guy no one really ever spoke to unless it was to direct the way he was playing during the performances, and that was mostly just Berry. All in all, she didn't know him very well, nor did she really want to make his acquaintance either unless during the club hours for the job he had and that alone. Plus, old hairy men always gave her the creeps. Her hands balled into fists once more, although she knew that it was very unlikely that the man would do anything that would require the need of violence.

Slowly, the bearded man climbed the stairs, stopping with one foot on the main stage and his other on the step below. He grinned toward her, sliding his hands into his pickets, just simply watching her. Finally, after had had seemed like a stand off that lasted eons, he spoke, his voice kind and cheerful… yet with a hint of a sadness that no one could truly deny. "You know… you sang beautifully last week, Miss Lopez." The older gentleman took the last step up, very slowly making his way toward the defensive girl. "Singing from the heart… It always sounds best." The man stopped, facing her with a simple knowing grin upon his face, feet away from the young woman.

"What do you want, Tinkles?" Her voice was sharp, shaper than it usually was due to the fact she had been caught off guard by him in a moment of weakness.

He silently shrugged in response, deciding to move once more- although, she noted, it wasn't toward her. Turning her head, she realized that the baby grand piano was sitting in the corner of the stage, looking as if it were raring to go for another round of musical chairs or whatever. Really, she had no idea what the theater club did here since they never really had any performances. "I usually come here to play, is all." The girl turned toward him again, her body still firm, knowing that she would have to get out of there soon. The faster she did, the easier it was to pretend as though she hadn't been there to begin with, and easier to believe as though no one knew her heart. Without a word, she turned back around, preparing herself to leave- when his voice caught her by surprise. "Care to join me?"

The dark haired girl look to him, surprise and annoyance on her features as she glared at him dead in his eyes. "What? Play piano? No. That's not me."

"No, no." Tinkles chuckled as he sat himself down upon the padded bench, opening the flap that would give him complete access to his instrument of choice. Stretching his fingers, he gazed down at the black and white keys, a sad smile coming to his lips as memories found his eyes. "Sing." Graceful fingers moved to play, and a slow, sorrowful melody came to the girl's ears, tantalizing and woeful.

Santana stared at him for a moment, feeling the pieces of her broken heart beating from the inside of her stomach, the ache reminding her of each one of the lyrics to the song he chose to play. Turning to gaze at the empty audience, she let the words comes to her, closing her eyes as memories began to take hold of her.

"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed

Turn down these voices inside my head"

The young woman was caught in the world of yesterday, playing the last week over and over in her mind like a skipping DVD. If she had the strength to find her way to school after a night of mourning what never was, she was end up returning to her lonely home, exhausted by the mask she wore to hide her hurt. She'd collapse into the comfort of her bed, only to find and swallow a bitter taste of regret as she stared at the pillow where her former lover would lay her head upon during their 'sleepovers'. She would lay there, and tears would form and fall, her mind and heart telling her time and time again that she had been too slow, too stupid. If she had just agreed… If she had done this or that… How many times now had she thought those things in the excruciating stillness of the night? She didn't know, but, by the ache in her chest, she knew that it had to be close to countless.

"Lay down with me, tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize, don't patronize"

Santana's hands clutched at her chest, almost as if she were forcibly holding in the emotions that she'd been trying to hide for so long. A part of her longed for just one more night, one more chance to prove herself and her affections to the one she adored so completely. It didn't matter to her anymore if they just had sex, or if they would just remain silent and alone, cuddling like those times she would never admit to loving. All that mattered to her was if she would be finally able to let out the love she'd been keeping inside, even if… even if…

… Even if the one she wanted couldn't return her affections.

"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't"

"Of course, I love you. I do."

"You can't make your heart feel something it won't"

"And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie."

"Here in the dark, in these final hours

I will lay down my heart, and I feel the power

But you won't, no you won't

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't"

The Latina opened her dark eyes, somehow finding the only blue orbs she didn't wish to look into as she stood there on the stage, heart once more on display just as it had been before. She gave a small inaudible laugh as irony hit her, wondering just why her imagination had cooked this up for her. Maybe, she mused herself, this was the closest she could get to actually saying something to the girl she loved. She kept her saddened, glistening chocolate eyes upon her figment, heart aching and breaking as she continued to sing.

"I'll close my eyes, pretend I don't see

The love you don't feel when you're holding me"

She could recall with ease and pain every moment she felt like dying, simply standing in the presence of the couple that could have been a knife or machete, hacking her down to size. They always seemed to be smiling, laughing, enjoying in one another what those in a tolerated relationship could do. Every part of her felt jealous and alone, and seeing them together was like putting salt and lemon in the wound. After all, even if something could happen between them, she could never outwardly give the blond she yearned for the affection she wanted. At least, not here in Lima, Ohio where bigots seemed to go to make a home and family for themselves. Kurt was a boy and he was harassed up and down the campus just for being true to who he was. Being a girl, being as open… Those were things that she knew would never end well. She had heard through the grapevine how guys 'straightened out' the girls who wanted womanly charm over disgusting masculine body odor, and she wasn't stupid enough to put Brittany- beautiful, loving, graceful Brittany- in a position like that.

Which was why, as painful as it was, the dark haired girl knew se had to let the woman she loved go- for her ex-lover's sake, and not her own.

"Morning will come, and I'll do what right

Just give me till then to give up this fight

And I'll give up this fight"

Santana was close to breaking again, but her sight never wavered from her beautiful imagination, afraid that the girl would evaporate and she would be left alone and unloved again. She knew that her thoughts, her feelings, her need, her longing, would eventually have to get pushed away, but, right now, even if it was to an unreal version of the object of her adoration, she wanted to let out the last of everything that was left. The anger, the anguish… Everything. And she wanted her former lover to know it all. … but she settled for what she could, which was singing to the woman who was nothing more than a simple mirage in her hazy heartbreak.

"Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark in these final hours

I will lay down my heart, and I feel the power

But you won't, no you won't"

Slowly, the young woman's hands finally fell to her sides, holding her chin up despite the flow of tears that had begun to fall down her already salty cheeks. She couldn't stop them anymore, and a part of her didn't want to, letting bleed the gashes formed by the devil of love. She watched as her blond figment covered her mouth, tears shining the way they usually did, and the Latina could only grimace as her fingertips ached to wipe away the girl's sadness. If only she could ease Brittany's pain, even ease her own, but she knew that both were impossible.

Closing her eyes, she allowed the final tears that she was going to allow herself to cry fall, her heart in shambles but her mind made up.

"But I can't make you love me if you don't."

As she opened her chocolate colored orbs, she gazed where she had been, only to see an empty space where her past lover had been moments before. Breathing in deeply, she gave a sigh, defeated.

Little did she know that there were other blue eyes upon her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Orokid: So what did you think? I wrote it in pieces really, considering the fact that I only had between shifts to write it all out (and I still finished it on the computer just an hour ago), but I think it bleeds well together. At least, I hope it does. Personally, I feel like Glee should sing the older songs, like "Landslide", because there's a lot of emotions that I think a lot of today's music doesn't have. That is just my opinion, and you're welcome to have your own. It's just how I feel when listening to the newly released ones lately. That aside... I hope you liked. This is the longest fic I've written in a VERY long time, and I'm proud of myself for that, at the very least. Whatever your thoughts are, please tell me! Thanks for reading, and I hope to see your reviews soon.