"I need another."
"Don't you think you have enough for…"
"Another."
The bartender gave her a pitiful look and sent another drink her way. She was well past buzzed, but buzzed, as she soon found out, wasn't quite enough to mute the sounds of grief echoing in every corner of her mind. Every swig she took, every drink, did that much more for her, so it was on to another in the hope that at some point, she would be blessed with nothingness. What number was this, anyway? Eight, nine? Did it matter?
She took another swig, hardly tasting the alcohol anymore but relishing the feeling of being able to do something, taking an active role in her attempt at escape from the outside world. She took a long mouthful and reached the bottom, setting the glass down rather roughly on the wooden countertop.
"Something stronger."
The bartender looked as if he was about to argue, but she looked up at him, big brown eyes dilated with alcohol, but flooded with despair. He looked at her, his heart aching at the sight and filled a tumbler with a good amount of amber-colored liquor.
With a weary hand, she reached out and took it, bringing it immediately up to her lips and swallowing, her throat burning. Tears stung in her eyes and she furrowed her brows in distaste, shaking her head lightly, and then sighing contentedly as she felt the alcohol go to her head. She set down the tumbler, running her finger around the rim. She glanced down the liquid, reflecting back the dull glow of the light above.
She closed her eyes, breathing heavily. Swallowing the lump that was forming in her throat, she opened her eyes and they fell upon a young couple huddled in a corner. She could see the girl, her face glowing in the light of the plain white candle that stood on the bare wooden table separating her and her other half. The young man had his back to the bar, almost as if he was protecting the girl from the world. Their hands were joined on top of the table and although the girl at the bar couldn't see the face of the man, it was obvious from the expression on the girl's face exactly how happy they were. With a sting in her heart, the girl at the bar looked away, her gaze again falling on her tumbler. At least she had her drink, right?
Disgusted with herself, she pushed the drink away, mostly untouched and slapped a bill down on the bar.
"Let me get you a taxi home!" He called out after her. She didn't answer, just walked out with a sad smile on her face. The bartender watched the beautiful young girl leave, her high heels carrying her slim form a little wearily as she wrapped a thick scarf casually around her neck and opened the door, escaping into the frosty night air like a dream.
The crisp night air hit her face and she inhaled it reluctantly. Glancing around her, she saw a small village, its picturesque wooden houses lit only by the faint street lamps and covered in glowing snow, completely deserted, just as a sleepy little village was expected to be. Peering in the other direction, she saw a river a short distance away, the water glittering welcomingly and the snow littering the ground on both banks. Her breath coming out in small puffs in the wintry night air, she walked towards it, slipping on the ice. One of her heels on her black boots snapped and she looked down at it and gave a cynical laugh. Perfect. She hobbled towards the bank, wrapping her arms around her waist and hugging her jacket closer. She came to stand at the edge and looked down into the pitch black water below her.
She gazed down into the water where she stood. A single lamp stood against the cold a few feet away on her right, shining weak yellow light onto the black water which seemed to absorb the color, not reflecting back a single beam of light. The water rippled gently, a few pea-sized chunks of ice floating lazily in the water.
The water was her mind, her emotions, swirling, storming past her in their selfish darkness. Where was it going? Wherever it was going, it had to be a better place than here. The water too had to have a beginning and an end. Away from the cold, from the biting freeze of life to someplace warm and full of happiness. It would leave her, like so many other things in life did.
She bent down, resting her elbows on her knees and cradling her head in her hands, her head buzzing and seemingly busy, despite the mass amounts of alcohol she had just put into her system to quiet it. Pulling her fingers through her hair, she folded her arms on her knees and continued to stare in the icy water, her eyes stinging from both the cold and the emotions that were threatening to spill out in the form of angry tears.
She wanted to scream, but at the same time, she just wanted to lie down on the icy bank and cry. She was so over this pathetic ordeal she called life. She was so tired of being alone. Always alone.
Always alone. It repeated in her head like a mantra, teasing her and hurting her with every syllable.
She looked at the heavens, the light from the street lamp blurring her vision and causing her to squint.
"You win."
She stood up angrily and quickly. Suddenly, her foot slipped on an icy patch and she felt her body twisting around, away from the bank.
As quickly as things happened, they slowed down and she saw the dark night sky, covered in clouds, with a few stars twinkling dully here and there. She saw the moon, hardly visible under the cover of the clouds as she felt her body free-falling.
And then she felt her body slam into the nothingness she had admired from a much different position. The icy water engulfed her, needles attacking her. Her organs stopped, stunted by the shock of the frigid wall that slammed into her. Her eyes shot open in pain, feeling the burn of the water on her skin. Every millisecond was agony and she felt as if her body was being burned. But gradually, the pain disappeared, leaving her with a delightful numbness that encompassed her like a warm blanket. Her thoughts stilled, her heart quieted and she experienced euphoria. She drifting further and further under the water, the still night sky becoming blurrier and blurrier under the layers of water that now lay above her. Somewhere inside her head, an instinct rang an alarm, ordering her feet to kick and her arms to swim. They twitched about, trying to organize themselves into a swimming technique. But her mind was quiet. In that moment, her mind lazily bringing back painful memory after painful memory, still buzzing from the effects of the alcohol and cold water, she ordered her legs and arms to stop. Just stop. It wasn't worth it, to fight. So she sank deeper, the euphoria once again settling upon her and giving her a sense of peace. Air bubbles went up slowly and she watched in a strange fascination, glinting in the light from the streetlamp outside. These perfect little round bubbles which sparkled and displayed the most beautiful array of colors as they rose were memorizing. And she was happy knowing that these beautiful little objects would be the last symbol of her life. Her eyes started to drift shut as she watched the bubbles with soft, kind eyes until all she could see was the outline of her eyelashes.
She was almost at the door, the bright light exploding out between the cracks and looking invitingly warm and comforting. Each step she took was like stepping into a warm bath and she felt weightless. But something stopped her. A scene flashed before her eyes.
She was in the water again, watching her body sinking into the water with a sort of indifference. And she watched as something happened.
Strong arms wrapped around her torso, pulling her into them frantically. Her chocolate brown hair flowed behind her in the water and she saw herself being lifted higher and higher in the water until at last her skin froze against night air.
Her body was being hoisted onto the frozen bank, her face blue and her skin like ice. Air was being forced back into her lungs, but it came out just as quickly. Rapid pumps were being applied to her chest, so much that a vague cracking sound reached her ears.
What an interesting turn of events. But it was too late.
She was sucked back to the doorway, which was just out of reach. She felt a sort of regret as she reached out for the door. What had she left behind in her life? The moment her hand touched the door, she was burned by the handle.
"No, it's not your time yet."
And she was thrown back to her body and numbness. She didn't understand why death didn't just take her. And suddenly, her entire body shuddered as she took a great gasping breath of the cruel night air. She was in agony, every part of her body screaming in pain and the ice on her skin invading her body in a most cruel way. She didn't want to breathe anymore; every breath was like fire. She shivered violently in the night air, her petite body convulsing. In the back of her mind, she felt herself something heavy thrown over her and her body being lifted. She forced open her eyes and saw a man, a man with chiseled features and blond hair running quickly. She vaguely heard him yelling for help.
She took another loud shuddering breath, feeling as though her entire body was suffering for it. The man glanced down at her and she met stormy grey eyes through her own heavy half-open eyelids. She looked at him, feeling a different sort of calm settle over her. This was interrupted by another strangled breath this time causing her body to contract in pain and cry out sharply as she struggled to get oxygen. Her lungs were on fire, her body shaking in pain.
"You're going to be okay. Hey, look at me," the man ordered. Through her struggle to breathe, she managed to meet his eyes once again. "I'm going to take care of you."
His eyes were the last thing she saw as white dots pricked before her eyes and she slumped in his arms.