We were drunk again. My roommate and I. We've been friends since grade school were we met in the chairs in front of the principal's office, both of us in trouble for having personalities too large to fit within the walls of our small town's local middle school. He turned 21 last month and of the 31 days since his coming of age 2 of them he spent sober. This was just another night, or it was supposed to be.

"I just want one cigarette!" I whined at the top of my drunken lungs, melting off the sofa onto the floor. "Just one?" I beg to the gods of drinkers who smoke.

"Just have one so you will shut the fuck up," Sean finally agrees I smile inwardly at the slight lisp in his voice that is no way related to how gay he is, but totally makes me think that he sounds like a homo. Stereotypes are bad!

"No, I can't" I resist dramatically, "Spencer would be pissed!"

"We wont tell Spencer," Aiden contributes, he's my friend. Sean's just his boyfriend. Well, not just, and sometimes not his boyfriend. Sometimes they are engaged and sometimes they are broken up. The only reason he even wanted me to smoke was so that he could go outside with me a sneak of couple of puffs from my square without his bf seeing. He wants to steal my weed too! No way, man, I paid good money for that shit!

"I will tell Spencer, I have to be honest with her!" I didn't have to do shit. But I almost always told Spencer the truth because when I was well- behaved she made me feel proud of myself and worthy of her friendship and when I was ill behaved she would get upset and then I would feel guilty so I would promise not to do it again and if I did do it again she would cry and then I would just actually start not doing what I said I was not going to do. Also because I liked her, in a big sexy time parade kind of way.

It all started when Spencer and I met. In oral performance class. She had a girlfriend and my relationship with my girlfriend was crumbling before my eyes with nothing I could do about it because she was straight and I was not ever going to magically sprout a penis. No matter with what ferocity she rubbed my vagina a like Arabian wishing lamp. Anna is *ahem* was the love of my life. And then she broke up with me. Spencer was with a bitch called Carmen. She took Spencer virginity.

"I should write her letter!" I decide loudly my declaration of productivity. "I'm going to write her a letter!" I pause as the idea manifests in my brain and becomes a grand adventure. "I'm going to write Spencer a letter declaring my love for her and then she's going to realize that being gay is not all that bad of a sin" don't even get me started, "and she will fall madly in love with me and we will be lovers for the rest of forever."

I know, I am utterly and completely a romantic.

The whole me-being-in-love-with-her thing was a fairly new thing.

I had a dream about her. I trust my dream. All we did was kiss. But it woke up something inside of me that would not rest until that dream became a reality. The first thing I did of course upon this realization was call Maggie. Yeah, I'm really messed up. I still very much love her but she's engaged and she promises he's the one, so I was forced to pick myself up by the bootstrap and walk away. And by walk away I mean become her best friend. Even though I wasn't even ASKED to be in the wedding.

Maggie told me she'd seen it coming from a mile.

"What?"

"Yeah, remember that time we were lying in Andy's room" Andy's her brother. After we started going out, I moved in with her and her parents (u- haul much? I know). But, in order to make it not look so obvious to her parents that we were screwing, she gave me her younger brother's room while he was away at college. But most night, we just slept in there together; remember what I said about the screwing? "And I asked you if you were into Jamie and you said "No, we are just friends" and I didn't believe you?"

"We are just friends, I mean we were!" I knew exactly the time she was talking about.

"Obviously not." She says and it totally makes since.

Dear Spencer, I write, I love you. I know you thought about me to (in that way) One night she did tell me that when we first started hanging out that she was so charmed by me that she had to force herself to remember I had a vagina. And I know you with think I am being tempted by the devil to make our relationship impure and sinful so that we will lose the path to heaven. She told me that too, one night, right after she told me if I was a guy I would be perfect for her. I wonder if straight girls know how much it hurt when they say it to us. But I don't care because I love you. And I would like nothing more than to hold you in my arms and love you until the day we die. Best friends forever, Then I signed my name.

"Come here and look at this?" Aiden called from the other room, his office where he had his computer set up. By office I mean a room of nothing but Britney Spears, the Spice Girls, Ashlee Simpson and Katy Perry, and his very extensive CD collection. He was either going to show me porn or a pop music video that I will get bored with and spend the remain 3 minute and 45 seconds staring at my phone willing it to ring.

"Hold on I am writing a letter to Spencer." She recently moved to Florida for an internship with Disney and we agreed to be pen pals.

"Oh!" Aiden pipes up excitedly, "tell her I said black vagina and Christian music!"

p.s. Aiden says "black vagina and Christian music."

"All Finished" I said with a tone of self- congratulation, folded the page 3 ways hotdog way and then in half hamburger way. I licked the envelope, appalled at its taste though not entirely surprised this being not the first letter I've written to my dearest pen pal. The address and return address were written unworldly neatness as I was terrified I end up like Stan in Eminem's song.