A MAIDEN'S TALE
Once upon a time in the merry old days of England, there lived King Rufus, who ruled a tiny kingdom about two horizons to the west of Camelot. His small band of knights was seldom at the forefront of charges when King Arthur gathered an army to dispel unruly bands of Celts, but they were famous throughout the realm as wine importers and exquisite makers of cheese. One St. Valentine's Eve, King Rufus held a feast in honor of his guests, Queen Guinevere and her servants, including the maiden Kimberly, whose long hair the color of the sunrise was braided beneath her wimple. It was Kimberly who caught the eye of a young man with floppy ears and freckled face, the squire Ronald. When she met his gaze, he spilled a bowl of venison stew on the lap of Sir Drakken. The king and his knights roared in laughter, much to Sir Drakken's consternation. "Aye, young Ronald's an eye for the foxes…the boy's got aspirations, that one does," which made Ronald blush a deep shade of red.
In the midst of the revelry, the door slammed open with a loud boom, and a hush fell over the dining hall. In walked a tall woman, a sable cape covering her emerald green gown. Her complexion was like a spring apple, and she had blazing black eyes.
"Sire, it is the Green Lady of the Isle of Shego, a powerful sorceress," announced Sir Drakken in a tone that suggested he wasn't too surprised by her appearance, though she was not on the king's guest list.
"I know who it is," but before King Rufus could utter another sound, he was blasted by a green flash that knocked him to the stone floor. His arms and legs withered down to stubby claws. His bristly beard spread over the rest of his face, his eyes shrank to tiny black orbs, and his nose narrowed to a sniffling point. One of Guinevere's attendants fainted, and more than one knight covered his mouth and leaned over a spittoon. King Rufus had been turned into a hedgehog.
"That's for not inviting me to your Valentine Eve banquet," said the Green Lady. "If the rest of you buffoons want to stay at the top of the food chain, you have three choices. The first, I get to choose your bravest, strongest knight to be my slave."
There was much coughing and mumbling at the knight's table. "Sir Brick, didn't I see you chase that hare into the forest, a manly venture…No, no, my dear Sir Josh, why you're twice the stud, indeed…"
"Oh, shut up," said the Green Lady. "Your second choice is to give me a yearly tribute of gold and a hundred pounds of your best ricotta and a thousand bottles of wine—the good stuff, not that fermented walnut juice from Sherwood Forest."
"Well," said Sir Drakken, "as the King's regent, I will have to humbly rule in King Rufus's stead and arrange tribute payments from my brother knights for as long as the king remains a hedgehog, though it grieves me so. Alas."
The knights huddled together. After a lengthy minute or two, Sir Killigan said, "We've decided to take the second choice, Sir Drakken."
"Wait," said Queen Guinevere. "I wish to hear the third choice."
"Ah," grinned the Green Lady. "If you want your king in human form again, one of you must meet me in a contest of magic, here in the dining hall. Just to be fair, you get to choose three magic deeds. I will go first, and if my challenger matches me in each task, I will turn the king into a man and leave his realm forever, and take with me fifty pounds of ricotta and ten bottles of Chardonnay. If my challenger fails, the king remains a hedgehog, I take a knight as a slave, and the gold, wine, and cheese tribute is doubled."
"A most fair test, my Lady," said Sir Drakken. "Unfortunately, we have no magic persons." He gave a forlorn smile of condolence towards the Green Lady.
"I accept the Green Lady's challenge."
All eyes in the hall turned towards the servant girl, Kimberly.
The Green Lady glowered at Kimberly, then she turned to Sir Drakken. "I thought you said…"
"What's your name, girl?" said Drakken, fingering the collar around his neck.
"Kimberly, maidservant of Queen Guinevere, sir."
"Of course, there are no backsies," said Sir Drakken.
"Agreed, no backsies," said Kimberly, making air quotes with her fingers. "What do I get if I win?"
"You, my dear," said Sir Drakken, "if you defeat the Green Lady, will be burned at the stake as a witch, according to King Arthur's law, code five-hundred and three, paragraph six, which specifically forbids the practice of magic by unauthorized maidens within castle grounds, upon pain of death." One of the knights murmured how fortunate they were to have a regent so well versed in legal matters. "Am I not correct, Queen Guinevere?"
The queen nodded.
The knights pushed the tables along the walls and cleared a space in the middle of the dining hall. Ronald hung back, refusing to help, his fists clinched until his knuckles turned white. The Green Lady and Kimberly stood facing each other in the middle of the hall.
"First, I choose the queen as our judge in this contest," said Kimberly. "Next, we get two men as our assistants. The queen will pick yours, and I'll pick my own."
"Fair enough," said the Green Lady. "Who do I get, Queen?"
"I think you deserve the king's bravest knight for what will surely be dangerous feats of magic…Sir Drakken."
The knights applauded her choice, enthusiastically thumping him on the back. "Good show, old man, eh what! …E's a regular Merlin, 'e is…" Sir Drakken stood beside the green lady with less enthusiasm.
Kimberly pointed to the back of the hall. "I choose him." Ronald mouthed, "Who me?" The dinner guests shoved him into the room's center.
"Showtime. What's it gonna be, girl?" sneered the Green Lady. "Blood turning to water? Coughing up toads?"
"You must exhaust him to the point of heaving breath and racing heart, but his hands and feet must not move."
"Hah! This is for amateurs," said the Green Lady. At once a greenish glow covered Sir Drakken. He felt his arms pressed to his side as if he were rope tied, and his feet would not move, like a cart sunk in mud. He could only bend at his waist and knees and roll his head. Objects in the hall flew at him: knives, plates, chunks of bread and cheese, apples, roasted peacocks. Sir Drakken tried to dodge them, ducking beneath peacocks and leaning back as a chair narrowly missed his noggin. He could not avoid everything, however, and after several minutes, he was bruised and scraped, and panting heavily. A creamed cheese pie covered the side of his face. The Green Lady released the green glow, and he collapsed on the floor.
"There, milk maid. Beat that."
Kimberly slowly removed the wimple from her head and unbraided her hair until her long red tresses flowed to her waist. She unbuttoned her woolen outer gown and removed her small leather slippers. She stood wearing nothing but a white, linen slip that revealed her bare arms and feet and the gentle curves of her slim figure. Ronald stood heaving deep breaths.
"Queen Guinevere, would you see to whether his heart races?"
The queen placed her palm over Ronald's chest. "What is your name?"
"Ronald, your highness, squire to King Rufus."
"Well, Ronald, your heart is beating like a Saxon war drum. The maiden Kimberly has matched the Green Lady in this first task."
The dining crowd cheered and clapped. The knights yelled encouragement to Sir Drakken and Ronald, "Now there's a brave lad…D'ja see that cream pie? Hah!" The Green Lady muttered something about bovine excrement.
"All right, you hussy wannabe, what's the second task?" said the Lady of the Isle.
"You must burn his face as though dipped into a volcano, yet his hands must be as cold as a glacier."
The Green Lady motioned toward Sir Drakken. He stood up like a marionette, with his arms jutting out. Another glow surrounded the trunk of his body; it appeared as green flames. Brave Sir Drakken screamed, though the dinner guests saw that his raiment did not burn. Two large goblets of wine floated through the air and attached themselves to his hands. The wine turned to ice, charring his hands with frostbite. Drakken screamed again. "Hang in there, old boy," yelled his fellow knights.
"Your serve, wench," said the Green Lady.
Kimberly turned towards Ronald. "First, place your hand below my neck…a bit lower." She gasped just a little. "Now kiss me." Ronald did as commanded, closed his eyes and leaned forward until he felt her moist lips on his own.
He stepped back. Queen Guinevere felt his brow. "Ronald, your brow burns as with a fever." She held his hand. "And truly, your hand is freezing. I would almost swear it was as blue as your face is red. The maiden Kimberly has matched the Green Lady in their second task."
Once again, the dinner guests clapped their approval, enjoying the spectacle. The knights swabbed the blisters on Sir Drakken's cheeks with bacon grease and briskly rubbed his hands which felt as if a thousand needles were pricking them.
If possible, the Green Lady's complexion seemed to turn towards autumn. "You little tramp! What's the third trick?"
"Without touching brave Sir Drakken, you will render him speechless, as though he were a dumb animal."
"With pleasure," said the Green Lady. Sir Drakken was held a table's length away from her. She stretched out her hand in the shape of a vulture's claw. Sir Drakken felt an invisible hand squeeze his neck, slowly tightening until he started to gasp. He clutched at his throat, his eyes bulged, his head turned blue then purple. Finally, he fainted and fell hard to the floor. His colleagues doused him with a bucket of cold water.
"Let's see you try that with farm boy."
Kimberly held Ronald at an arm's length. "Look deep into my eyes. Now tell me and all gathered here that thou dost not love me."
Ronald sputtered and gasped. "I…I…uh." He scratched at the back of his neck. "Argh!" he howled, then lowered his gaze to his feet.
Queen Guinevere said, "The maiden Kimberly has rendered this young man mute, matching the Green Lady in all three magical tasks." For a third time, cheers and hurrahs erupted in the castle dining hall. "Well done, lads," said the knights of King Rufus, offering Sir Drakken and Ronald flagons of ale to recover from their ordeals.
"Of course," said the Green Lady to Kimberly, "you know what that means. Crispy critter. Right, Sir Drakken?"
"Aye," rasped Sir Drakken, motioning the knights to gather wood for Kimberly's execution.
"Halt!" said the queen. "As judge of the contest, I declare it a tie. The maiden Kimberly has not won, nor has the Green Lady necessarily lost."
"Got that right, queenie."
"But…" sputtered Sir Drakken.
"If anyone would like to argue the finer points of magic contest rules and regulations, they can dispute them with Merlin when he visits here," said the queen. The Lady and Sir Drakken did not protest. "Green Lady, you shall first turn the hedgehog back into King Rufus."
"OK, fine," said the sorceress, rolling her eyes. "Edgehay Oghay ootay Ingtay Ufusray." The prickly beast transformed into the king; he scratched at a fleabite.
"The maiden Kimberly clearly did not defeat the Green Lady in a feat of magic, unless it was to show the magic power all noble women hold over honest knights whose love for their ladies is pure and true. Ronald's love for Kimberly caught him in a quandary in the third contest, for he could not speak falsely to his true love, yet neither could he be disloyal to his king."
"Therefore, the Green Lady shall be granted her first request. She will be given the bravest of King Rufus's knights as her slave: Sir Drakken."
"Oh no," whispered the King's former regent.
"She will also be granted a portion of her second request. You knights of King Rufus will provision her with a one-time only tribute of one-hundred pieces of gold, one hundred pounds of your finest cheese, and a thousand bottles of your best wine." When they started to grumble, Queen Guinevere added, "Unless you think I'm unfair and would rather my husband judge between us."
"No ma'am. Fair's as fair…That Gwen's a 'elluva queen, as I always said…," replied the wise knights of King Rufus.
The Green Lady curtsied before the queen and left the dining hall, kicking before her the brave Sir Drakken, who whimpered like a dog. "Stop whining, already…" they heard her say.
"Young man," said the queen to Ronald, "I dub thee, Sir Ronald. As for you, maiden Kimberly, I give you this good knight to be your servant as long as you both shall live. Now put your clothes on, girl."
Kimberly blushed. "Thank you, my queen." She and Ronald grinned at each other and then kissed while King Rufus led the dinner guests in final cheers and hurrahs. They were married the next evening on St. Valentine's Day. Sir Ronald was appointed as the king's new regent, Kimberly never again practiced magic (at least not in public), and both lived the rest of their days happily ever after.