"When were you going to tell me where exactly the treatment came from?" Cosima's voice called out through the lab. Slowly putting the paperwork down on the table in front of her Delphine turned around to look an irate Cosima in the eyes.
"The stem cells that you're using to treat me. Scott just told me about where they come from. When exactly were you going to tell me that the stem cells are related to me!"
Merde.
Fuck.
How had she found out?
Scott… she said Scott had told her.
Delphine should have known that he would not be able to keep a secret from Cosima, even if it meant the difference between life and death.
She needed to find a way to diffuse the situation quickly, before it drew the attention of someone above them.
They were not supposed to know about Kira. She had never told Leekie that they were aware of Kira's existence.
Merde. Merde. If someone overheard Cosima's angry shouting and they informed Leekie, they would be as Cosima would say "so screwed."
Standing-up slowly she began to precariously cross the room, afraid that if she got to close Cosima would be set off even more, and her angry shouting might grow louder.
"Cosima what are you talking about?" She tired acting dumb, maybe that would calm Cosima down enough to get her out of here
"Bullshit Delphine. Don't even try and act dumb, I know that you told Scott to keep this from me. There is no way you couldn't have figured out that those stem cells belonged to Kira." She heard Cosima growl, her voice lowering as she spoke the last part of the sentence.
Quickly walking forward Delphine reaches out trying to grab Cosima's hand or wrist, only to feel it yanked back as soon as she got a grip on it.
"I'm not going anywhere with you. You'll just take me to Leekie won't you…" She heard Cosima hiss.
"Please just come into the room Cosima. Anyone can here you while you stand out there in the hallway. Please!" She whispered, begging Cosima and hoping that no one could hear the beginning of their argument.
"Fine." She heard Cosima growl as she stepped into the room, the heavy door closing behind her. Delphine allowed a small sigh of relief to escape from her mouth.
At least if they were going to fight, which was really inevitable at this point wasn't it? Then at least they would do it while no one could overhear them.
She could almost hear the anger in Cosima's footsteps as she walked over to one of the benches in the room, quickly sitting herself down on the stool. Delphine knew that if she squinted she would see Cosima wobble, her balance a little off.
She was slowly becoming more and more exhausted, her body was slowly starting to break down, and yet if she knew Cosima then could already predict the next words out of her mouth.
"I want to stop the treatment." Just as she had thought. When she glanced over at Cosima all she could see was a woman livid with anger that she had been lied to yet again.
Delphine knew that she had betrayed her yet again.
But there was a reason she had done it. There was always a reason that she did it.
And it was the same reason that she could not let Cosima stop this treatment.
"You know that you cannot Cosima. You will die without it."
"Then we find another way. We try and find another cure!"
"We are beginning to run out of time Cosima. You are getting more and more ill. You cough more frequently, more blood comes up when you do. You're becoming weaker."
"We have time. I have time."
"And you are running out of it Cosima. There is a point of no return, and it is one that we are quickly approaching."
"I will not use a treatment that takes stem cells derived from Kira!"
"You have no choice!" She fired back. She could feel the white hot feeling of anger claw at her insides, begging her to let it escape.
How could Cosima be so stupid? She wondered. How was it possible for her to be so incredibly stupid?
Why did she have to be so stubborn? Most of the time it was endearing, but sometimes, like these times, it was an infuriating personality trait.
"Cosima if you want to stay alive there is no choice. There is no decision." She finally said as she walked towards the woman sitting on the lab table in front of her.
She could see Cosima hesitate for a single moment before her face screwed-up, contorting in anger.
"This is my decision and not yours!" Cosima screamed at her from across the table.
How could she not realize what this meant?
What was going on?!
That this was her only chance to remain alive?
"There is no decision Cosima. You have one way forward and this is it.."
"I am not going to continue a treatment that is derived from the stem cells of Sarah's daughter! My niece!"
"If you want to live you have to continue with this treatment! Without it you will die!"
"Then I die. Why do you even care? Afraid of loosing another precious specimen? Afraid of loosing your guinea pig?"
The only thing that Delphine could do was continue to stare at Cosima who was sitting only a metre away, just across the table from her and yet it felt like the ocean was separating them. It felt like there was nothing she could say or do to prove to Cosima that she could be trusted, that she would not betray her, at least not unless it was needed to keep her safe. Cosima's safety was always her first priority.
Always.
Even if that meant having to save her from herself and her own idiotic notions of what was right and what was wrong.
Although perhaps that was part of her problem? Part of their problem? They had very different definitions of what right and wrong meant.
She wanted to mock herself for her own thoughts. If she'd had a sense of right and wrong, one that aligned more with Cosima's, more with those of mainstream science then she would not be here right now. She would not be arguing with a clone about why exactly she had to take a treatment that was derived from her… nieces baby teeth. And why she needed to continue to use the treatment derived from said baby teeth.
It couldn't matter that the thought of even having to inject that into her lover made her feel nauseous.
I didn't matter because Cosima needed to survive.
If she lost Cosima…
She couldn't even begin to think about living without Cosima. She did not ever want those dreams that haunted her at night to come true. The ones that made her sit up in bed, biting her own lip to muffle a scream.
"I do not want you to die Cosima." The only thing she could hear was a scoff.
"How am I supposed to know that you didn't get those stem cells from her by force? From her blood or her bone marrow? That she didn't undergo some awful procedure just so you guys could get those stupid cells!"
"I promise you how we got them is not a lie! They are derived from her teeth! She has not undergone anything more then what biology already does!"
The only thing she could see was Cosima close her eyes as a derisive snort escaped from her. "I still refuse to continue with the treatment. I don't care how you got them, you still got them without permission, with Kira's consent or Sarah's. And. I. Will. Not. Use. Stem. Cells. From. That. Little. Girl!"
"Cosima…"
"No Delphine. This is my decision. I will not continue with this treatment. And you cannot say anything that will make me reconsider." She could hear Cosima pause before she rolled her eyes again. "I mean why do you even care. You're only my monitor, but let me guess it looks bad if you let your charge die while under your watch right?"
"That's not…"
"Or is it because you want to make sure that you say that you fucked a clone and fucked with her?"
"Parce-ce que je t'aime Cosima!" She screamed at the woman in French, knowing all to well that Cosima and her limited knowledge of the language would preclude her from understanding.
She could see Cosima roll her eyes as they became misty with tears of anger. "Bullshit Delphine. Whatever you said just then is bullshit. Everything you say is bullshit! You're here because you're my monitor and nothing more!"
Biting her lip the only thing she can do is stand there as Cosima begins to scream at her. "I should have known. I should have known when you drew my blood. When I told you I was sick. I should have known that the moment you came into Felix's apartment it was complete and utter bullshit!"
"Cosima..."
"I am so stupid! I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I keep trusting you. I keep…damnit!"
Taking a deep breath she began to speak. "Because I love you Cosima. I love you!"
"Bullshit."
"It's not" She shrugs her shoulders fighting back the rising lump in her throat. "How can it be?"
"Why would I pretend to fall in love with you of all people? To fall this fast and this hard for someone? What would be the point in faking these feelings for you when you made it perfectly clear you were alright as friends!"
"You're lying!"
"Cosima I love you. I fell in love with you within days of meeting you for the first time. I am in love with you, and this is why I am fighting so hard to save you! Because I can't lose you!" She cried out.
"This is bullshit Delphine. If you loved me like you say you do? Then you would stop lying to me. You would stop going behind my back and keeping things from me. You would actually trust me to take care of myself and to make decisions for myself!"
"Cosima you are my first priority. You're safety is the only reason I am still here. Still with DYAD!"
"Then you should have trusted me to do this on my own! To let me do my own research!
She could see Cosima shrug a little, her eyes drifting away to look at the floor.
"Then why are we still here? Why am I getting injected with Kira's stem cells?" Cosima mumbled, her voice barely audible.
"Because they are your only hope for living right now…" Delphine whispered.
"I'm dying Delphine… I'm not ready to die." Just like the last time this happened Delphine walks over, kneeling down in front of Cosima and reaching out to pull her against her body. But before she could she felt Cosima push away from her, the wheels of the chair taking her across the room.
"Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me Delphine!" She heard Cosima growl.
"Please Cosima…" Delphine whispered as she forced herself to stand-up again. She could feel her heartbreak as she watch Cosima begin to sob in front of her. She knew that tears were welling up in her own eyes, forcing her to take a few deep breaths and blink rapidly, trying to keep herself from crying.
"No Delphine! Just leave. Just leave me alone!" She heard Cosima shout.
She could feel herself torn between wanting to stay, wanting to try and comfort her girlfriend, but at the same time she knew that the advance would be unwelcome.
Just like they always were when this happened.
Just like it always was.
Walking over to the door she feel herself turning around and for a moment Delphine hesitate, wondering if she should turn around and look Cosima in the eye or if she should simply continue on. She can feel her eyes water, a few start to track down her cheeks as she hears Cosima's gut-wrenching sobs.
"I fell in love with a brilliant woman. A woman with a mind far greater then anyone I have ever seen. I fell in love with her curiosity with life and with the world, with her flying hands as she talks and with her love of science." Delphine whispered, not turning around, simply leaning against the cool doorframe. "I love you Cosima, and whether you believe me or not does not change how I feel or the fact that I will continue to fight for you."
She only got to the other side of the door before a broken sob echoed through the lab that they shared. This felt all to familiar to her as the tears finally escaped from her eyes, her will to hold them back all but gone.
She couldn't help but laugh bitterly when she finally realized that she had just told Cosima that she loved her for the first time.
And it had been a mess, just like she had thought it would be. Reaching up she tried to wipe away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks only for a small sob to escape from her lips as her knees began to give out, causing her to slide down the wall next to the door.
And for the first time Delphine couldn't help but wonder if this was what it was like to get her heart broken.