To smile is to be unseen. To laugh is to be unheard. To be an optimist is the best and most terrible thing. To ensure they never know. I am always surrounded by people and yet, I am completely alone. These people I smile at and call friends are really acquaintances who annoy me. Maybe I just lament on the wrong things too much.
I am more than you think. I am more than you admit. I am strong. I am kind. I have been through pain. I have seen bad things and I have done worse. I cry. I laugh. I am simply human. I am not as I seem. But you only ever look at the surface. Once you meet me you never see past that first encounter. I do this to myself though. I am simply human. I am simply hurt. I am simply happy. I am only human. Don't expect so much from me. And please look beyond my cover. Read my story deeper than the picture you first see. Only then will you truly learn who I am.
"Hey, Amelia!" I roll my eyes before turning around with a huge grin plastered on my face.
"Yo Tino!" I hollered to my Finnish friend. His accent amused me, it was cute.
"You weren't in class earlier," the concern in his voice almost made me sick. "Are you alright?"
I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly and forced a blush and shy laugh "Hehe, yeah. I actually over slept. Right through my alarm man."
"That's not good miss Amelia!" He stated
"Yeah, I know. Do you think I could take a picture of your notes?"
"Sure!" He pulled out his notebook. His old brown satchel was nice, along with his light blue athletic jacket.
I quickly took a snap of the notes. I really hate math. It bore me. Way to easy honestly "Man, I hate math. Mrs. Johnson is so hard to understand."
He laughed, "Get tutoring for it. You know it's part of our tuition. Take advantage of it."
I laughed loudly, it's real, I find this amusing. "Man, I feel like an idiot when I do. I hate feeling stupid. I'll just study harder."
"Alright," he inclined his head, "I have class at 2 so I'll talk to you later!"
"Have a good one man!" I laughed.
As soon as he was out of sight I forced my smile off. I then wondered why I felt joy in those few moments. I guess pretending for so long…well…it's not pretending. I am an overall happy person. I just don't show my pain and it's like when I get sad I'm not allowed to show it.
I put my head phones into my ear and play what love really means by JJ Heller. I hum the lyrics as I walk to the 3D building. At least the campus is small, so I can walk everywhere.
I'm a sculpting Major at our small university. Montevallo is a great campus with great people. Too many Demarcates and Liberals for my liking but any republican would say that.
As I sat down with my clay, after kneading it of course, I started on a new piece. As "Does anybody hear her by Casting Crowns" plays my piece slowly comes to life. Once a lump is now quickly put into a rough human shape.
"Hey Ameria." A gentle voice states softly.
"Yo, Kiku," I stop what I'm doing and turn off my music a gentle smile graces my lips "You here to help me out?"
He nodded "I enjoyed the last piece you made." I remembered the cartoonish dragon I made for him because I needed practice. I got lucky and it was on his birthday, ever sense he would come play the flute while I worked. "What will it be this time?"
I smile "An angle pouring gentle love from a vase unto a child" is my simple explanation.
"That sounds deep. I have just the song." He slowly starts a gentle song which reminds me of the elvish music I like to meditate too.
Together we got the basics of the shape put together. My spray bottle and tools are used up by the end of the hour. The body of the angle looks more human and the child's form is started. Still no specifics or details to tell much and nothing is smoothed out. The outline of the wings sit to the side. No clothing on either person. I like to get personal with my sculptures and out details into the body, even ones that won't be seen.
Kiku stopped playing as I put everything away and waited patiently for me as I cleaned my work station. I good hour and thirty minutes has passed and we both have class at four.
"All of your art classes seem nice and relaxing." He informs me.
I snort "Not even close man. I spend hours on a project for one class and then don't finish another. It'll be nice once I get past all the basics and can move too my concentration. Yet for now I am stuck juggling everything." True, being a Sophomore is hard work and I'm terrified of not being good enough. I'll be junior next semester… I hope.
He seems to sense my unease. "Do you have your seminar soon?"
"Yeah man," I sigh "At the end of next month. If my beginning work isn't good enough I get kicked out of the art program….I'm scared honestly."
He seems confused, I mean Amelia Heartfila is a confident woman who fears nothing.
"Don't get me wrong man, my sculpting wither clay, wood, plaster, ceramics, even our tape project is all up to par! But when it comes to drawing, painting, print making, or anything like, I'm just no good. I can do some cool things with my head but not when it comes to drawing." My explanation is winded.
He smiles simply "I think you will be fine."
"Count on a Buddhist to be positive and calm." I laugh and he only blushes.
We split off as I head to the painting room and him to advanced music theory. Fucking prodigy.
"You Bloody idiot. Are you daft?!"
I laugh as I walk in "Hey Artie!" I greet him "What's got your panties in a twist? Must be a pretty tight thong for you to be yelling in your favorite class."
"Amelia, watch your language," he reprimands me.
"Wee, a lady should not talk without refinement." Francis states.
I scoff, "I never said I was a lady now did I?"
I walk over and see that Francis has painted the male penis on his canvas.
"This fool is making a mockery of me!" Arthur informed me.
Francis of course denies it, "I am not!"
"How is this making fun of you?" I am thoroughly confused by this. The pieces is hardly finished, the main point is probably something to do with sexual or gender inequality.
"I am doing a piece on how people become lost in their lust and how the desire for satisfaction becomes an obsessive controlling part of our life." So celibacy.
Francis counters "I am doing a piece on how sexual adventures can help someone and how it is none of anyone else business what I do in bed."
"You Bloody Wanker! You are the reason for the down Fall of everything! You crummy frogs hide behind every pillar you can while insulting others!"
I see his point. Instead of debating their differences they are going to use their art to define and start a debate in class. Nothing too foul can be said opinion wise so whoever gets the best grade wins the argument. This is a common way to settle things for art students. But also very lame and immature. You should face your battle and settle is quickly not over time. Though great pieces are produced under passion of any kind.
"He has a point Artie," Before he can yell at me I continue. "One's private actions has no effect on you. Only themselves the other directly involved. You can't blame one specific thing on the down fall of something. Instead look at the underlining meaning and reasoning."
"oui, écouter son, she speaks the truth!" Francis encourages me. The few times I say something smart everyone listens. The teacher walks, I go to move but she stops me.
"No pleases continue Ms. Amelia." Mr. Grog is a nice man and loves deep conversation. Young in age but old in spirt.
"Well, the question is really why. So why would someone become obsessed with sexual actions and does that mean everyone will?" I pause to let them think "I believe not. Most studies show that an obsession of sex is caused by a need for attention or satisfaction. It can be used to forget your problems or make you feel important. So then not everyone will over come to always have sex. At the same time the fault is in the childhood of the person where either they didn't make enough friends or they did not receive attention from their guardians. The fault is in parenting." Another pause "yet!" I turn to Francis "One's desire does not mean they hate sex. They also could have a lack of attention yet instead of seek it out they further their seclusion or if they have trauma involving sex they may avoid it and scorn it."
Another pauses leaves the class silent in thought "Yet it could be none of those. For everyone reacts differently to things and you may have no trauma and the perfect amount of love and freedom and yet still desire sex on a daily basses. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter because it does not affect you what another does. That person should deal with it and not fear being scorned by others by their choices."
"Provo Mrs. Amelia but here is another question for everyone to think on." Mr. Grog pauses and ensures everyone is listening. "How far should something go before someone steps in to help another? Even if it does not affect you, should you still help someone if they are facing something harmful and are only hurting themselves and how far do you allow them to try on their own."
"So even if it does not affect us how long do you allow someone to suffer? And what is the help that can be offered?" Arthur clarifies.
"Yes," Mr. Grog concludes "Let this be the inspiration for your next pieces. Any paint related medium can be used and any form. Mix what you will as long as painting techniques are involved."
We dismissed class early to think on this.
Deep meaningful conversation is what I desire and that is why I love art. To describe deepness in the single piece is the most meaningful conversation because it requires one to think more in depth on what they see and feel. This is art.
My phone rang an hour later my boyfriend is calling. I debate ignoring it but instead throw that thought away and answer what is sure to be along conversation.
"Hey, this great Amelia speaking." I answer with a small before I climb into a tree where no one can see me.
"You haven't text me all day!" a voice yells. I flinch on reflexes.
"I over slept, was doing homework, and was in class. I'm sorry but it slipped my mind."
"Slipped your mind!" I hold the phone away as I light a smoke. "Is that what this relationship is? Amelia answer me! Am I just something for your free time? What do you mean you slept in. You should go to class, not waste time sleeping. You could have texted me. You are so ungrateful to everything I've done for you. How can you be so worthless?"
"I'm sorry Jay. I told you it was an accident. I'm just busy with homework and projects that all." I inform him calmly.
"The you should stay a head so you have time for me! I should be the first thing on your mind when you wake up! Amelia you need to be better for this to work!"
"I know I know. I'm trying okay? I'll do better to remember things."
"You better, now let me tell you about my day." Then I listened for about thirty minutes to his day. He told me about work and his family being asses to him again. I told him I loved him and that everything will work out. I had to go for work. He hung up and headed to the 3D building again to work on my sculpture. There I sat until about eight at night when my job actually started.
To the strip club I left. On stage I did my exotic dances and then sold myself to some of the men and made a good 500 dollars that night. Meaningless sex. Jay didn't need to know, no one did. This was how I paid for school and supplies. They can all think I only work as a cashier at the local art store, which I did during the day. I got home and put half the money towards rent and the other half for other things to do. Anything left over for rent that month went to a savings account that my boyfriend didn't know about. Then sleep took over me when I got home at 4 in the morning. Thank goodness it was Friday so I could sleep in tomorrow.
(READ!)
Hey Everyone, I know I've been gone for a long time. I started college at good old Montevallo and I just haven't had time to write. I got depressed and writing always helps me so here is this story. I don't know what the pairing is yet so if you have any ideas tell me. I'll do this for a few chapters and see what ya'll think. This has trigger warning and gets intense in later chapters. Of course a setup has to be done for a proper story. Tell me any ideas and what you think. Flames welcomed because it improves my writing but please elaborate and let me know what you didn't like or did. Thanks!
As always I don't own Hetalia, only the story line. This is college based time frame and some characters may be OOC. Help me to not let that happen. As always reviews encourage me to write but my updates will be slow do to school and work.