There were days when living got too unbearable. His mind would be full of jumbled up thoughts, thoughts that not even he could make sense of. He would feel trapped, as trapped as he had felt as a child. On such excruciating days, the very air seemed to suffocate him.
Hitsugaya sat in his office, head bent, going through the usual mountainous amounts of paperwork the Gotei 13 never seemed to have an end to. It was in the late afternoon and everything looked normal, with Matsumoto sleeping on the couch as usual. He sighed. He was not going to get much work done at this rate. He might've been the child prodigy that people were so impressed with, but he had his fair shares of nightmares and brokenness. It just so happened that he naturally could keep a very stoic face. Oh he was not depressed all the time. As much as he seemed to be irritated by the antics of his vice-captain, he did admit that she brought some amount of colour into his life. Sure, Matsumoto was the laziest vice-captain to have ever graced the top ranks of the Gotei 13, at least in his opinion, but other than her complete lack of ability to sit still for any longer than 10 minutes at her desk, she was his pillar of support, someone he could rely on in battles that would otherwise cost him his life.
The recent years had been relatively peaceful. He had grown during that time, lean, muscular and taller than Matsumoto. That did not stop her from attempting to engulf him with her ahem chest though. In fact, it seemed she now tried squeeze the life out of him with each hug, seeing as she could no longer actually suffocate him. Sighing, Hitsugaya tried to refocus his mind on the work in front of him, completely failing to do so. It was one of those days when his past haunted him, and today, it seemed especially worse so.
"Matsumoto, get up. The day's over. Go home and for heavens' sakes, don't come in with a hangover like today." Muttering under his breath, "Not like that's anything new. I've been telling her that for decades". Groaning, Matsumoto roused herself and gathered up her stuff before yawning a "Bye Taicho" and was out the door. The moment she was out the door, Matsumoto gave a happy shriek and flew down the corridors of the Tenth Division, no doubt to the Sixth and Third Divisions to look for her favourite drinking buddies.
Hitsugaya made his way to his captain's quarters, rubbing his head gingerly and looking especially grouchy. All his division members avoided their captain, save for their salutes as he passed them. Even his seated officers dared not approach him to give him any reports. In his quarters, Hitsugaya grabbed a bottle of his strongest sake, sake used only when the physical hangover pain was much more bearable than the emotional pain. Downing half the bottle at one go, he slammed the bottle on the table, hands clenched as memories of his past haunted him yet again, more intense today than any other.
"No! Please, please don't leave me! I don't want to be left alone! Please! Come back please, just… Just come back, don't leave me…" His pleas and cries were in vain, they were leaving him, leaving him in the cold snow, snow that would've otherwise been beautiful. Instead, they left him there to die. He was maybe four or five, and could barely move for the cold that held him in its icy grasp, teeth rattling and slowly losing the will to live. His lips turned blue, his mind started to shut down…
Finishing the rest of the bottle in one long gulp, he started to feel woozy and staggered over to the couch in the living room. Draped over the arm of the couch, he could barely think straight, except for the unimaginable grief and abandonment that seemed to have yet again rooted itself deeper into his soul. It was indescribable; the pain, the grief, the abandonment. Other might have said that he was being childish, but they had not been abandoned, they had not been left to die, they had not felt true hopelessness. It was rare for a shinigami to remember their past, but he, oh Hitsugaya remembered his as clear as day.
The same scene kept playing in his mind, except each time it replayed, he was older. It replayed up to the present him. Though a man by any standards, he could do naught but lie in the cold, slowly giving in the greedy fingers of the harsh weather.
Quite drunk, and absolutely distraught, he decided to that holding it all together was too much and effort, and since he was in the confines of his own quarters, where no one had better disturb him, he could let go and just cry. He sobbed earth-shattering sobs, sobs that altogether wracked his slender frame, rendering him incapable of doing anything else.
For how long he wept, he did not know, but at some point or another, Matsumoto had somehow gained entry into his house and now had him sobbing in her arms until he finally fell asleep from exhaustion. It did not register that Matsumoto had stayed with him the whole night, that she had made sure he was sleeping somewhat peacefully, or as peacefully as haggard breathing was, before plonking herself on the other end of the couch to catch some shut-eye.
As he lay there freezing to death, the heavens seemed to open and there appeared a beautiful woman, a woman with hair so luscious, the colour of the rising sun, he could barely look at her for all her glowing glory. She knelt beside him, smiled a soft, yet mischievous smile and kissed him full on the lips, whispering as she did so, 'You're not alone, Toushirou. You're home.' And he could feel his body starting to thaw.
Hey friends, my first fanfic and yeah, it's HitsuMatsu x) ((I love this crack pairing hahaha)
Anyways, I'm sorry if Hitsugaya seemed OOC or even Matsumoto :x Guess I just felt like writing angst on Hitsugaya's part, don't ask me why, he just seems like he has a lot going on underneath that cold exterior of his and I thought hmm what occupies his mind other than paperwork from the Tenth in times of peace?
Rate/Review or whatever if you feel like it haha I'm not even sure how the whole thing works because yep, newbie hehe :) Suggestions/comments etc are all welcome yay ^^
Hope you enjoyed it ~
~Snowebelle~