Aug 2018

Anxiety is one of those things which you can sort of experience in different ways. Ultimately you find ways to cope so it won't trigger, yet when it does it cripples you.

Solutions to this void are few and far between, you hide, you withdraw creating barriers between you and the outside. Change is the enemy, yet it also can lead to some interesting times.

Change to routines, even familiar faces such as the mail carrier or 'Postie' (which they are affectionately called) fills someone suffering from this illness with a kind of dread. As if the floor was pulled from you, you fall endlessly and hopelessly.

A hot summer day where you expect no post and are just trying to put as much distance between the next time you have to talk to someone.

It's not exactly a life you would want, let alone wish on your worst enemy. This is a day which could be called okay.

There was a sound, then again neighbours here believe screaming, throwing and burning things are acceptable forms of communication, so unusual sounds are not uncommon.

Now Sausage the Cat knows, knows when the postie arrives. Not only this but He actually looks disappointed he can't try to scare them. This is actually just a big ruse as Sausage has a genuine fondness for those who bring letters.

This time he just sat looking, and the other side was, well a young girl with multicoloured hair. Sausage's tail swishing, yet he was quite happy.

Peaking from behind the door hoping not to be noticed.

" No post for you Mr cat, sorry. "

That was the sound. Soft, kind, unexpected, almost musical.

It's strange how even this can fill you with fear. New person, new person, new person the alarm in the mind goes. Change, change is bad... where is... 'knock, knock, knock.'

A mix of terror hits you like some kind of black tsunami wiping out any hint of rational thought, and it wasn't even 11 am.

Seconds pass feeling like minutes as getting to the front door is a cross between having someone jab a knife into your heart... Spots form and the sound again 'knock, knock, knock'

" Mr cat says you need help" says the same kind voice. The door opens, just a crack and in the sun stands a Demihuman, the light almost surrounding her like some kind of golden halo.

" Oh my " she chuckles

Her face changes noticing the reaction to the laugh, as if a mix of sadness and concern wash over her face.

You hope you would act in a mature way, but when you're broken it is a different story.

Then she says " looks like you need a lot of help, but.. It will have too be later on after I deliver the rest" and she reaches out, showing genuine kindness, it is soft and inviting.

Inviting yet terrifying. Sometimes you dare not hope... But even if you know it will be hopeless, you still do.

Primal Fear, pushing the door back and physically shaking, crashing then slumping to the floor, heart pounding..

Demihumans or lamials (depending who you ask) are not uncommon. The odd one is about, but this was the first time speaking to one. Then again who knows who works in a call centre.. Or behind that checkout.

Nothing is expected after all there is very little joy anymore. The world, unfortunately, is quite lacking in hope... Or so I had thought.

Sausage was joined by his brother, Mustard an Orange and White Tabby, wondering what happened.

Cats are possibly the only thing that had kept me going... As I type this Mustard... Is snoring.

It was roughly just after 5, food for someone who has always struggled with eating is the enemy. Very few things are appetising, and it's a chore you put off until you are close to passing out from food deprivation. I decided it was no longer something I could put off,

I was looking out of the window, looking at the back garden, the blackberry bushes were starting to get a bit crazy. Basic tasks take their toll on you, so you limit what you can do, In order to, Basically survive.

I noticed a set of claws... Wait claws... Connected to a set of legs.. They were just swaying.. " You look kinda sad,you know?" said a soft voice which resulted in a sort of half panicked fall.

pulling myself to a sitting position, I couldn't see her. In some ways, it was easier to talk like that..

" Ssorry " I stammered out

She laughed lightly and I winced, she flew down and waved. Well, there goes the easy communication, I thought.

"I'm your new Postie, Kari, " she said happily

" I.. I'm.." pulling myself up and opening the back door

"It's okay, I know.. Postie remember" Tess chuckled. Something stopped her smile and I stepped back almost wanting to flee.." Does my laugh upset you? "

I didn't know how to answer, and looked down.

There was a softness.. Light, calming and kind. " I won't hurt you " she whispered as her hair brushed my face. " she gave me one those smiles... I must have smiled back

Maybe a new Postie isn't such a scary thing after all.