OH OH 7 It's The Doctor!
By Liz Hensley and Tina Vogt
It was quite some time since anyone in UNIT had seen the Doctor, or his Tardis. Still, UNIT remained, ready as ever to cope with the unknown be it friend or foe. A few "invasions" from outer space did occur. Most had been dealt with rather easily: The invasion of the "Baker Street Irregulars" from Rigel IV for instance. No one had dreamed Sherlock Holmes was THAT universally popular! But all that had required was a tour guide. The Brigadier had done it himself and found it a most stimulating experience. You just haven't lived until you've tried explaining to twenty wild-eyed, three-hundred pound, green scaled lizards, all talking at once, that yes, there IS a Baker street, but NO, there isn't a 221b Baker Street.....
Then there had been the enormous menacing-looking flying saucer that had hummed down near Liverpool. At first this looked like it was going to be an all out H. G. Wells type space war, but it turned out they were Beatle fans having a nostalgia festival.
The Brigadier let Benton handle that one!
Since invasions were few and far between, UNIT mostly sat and gathered dust except for nuisance calls. While Geneva did not seriously consider having it disbanded (the need was too great when invasions DID occur), for the most part, time hung on their hands heavy as the proverbial lead.
Until one day....
Brigadier Lethbridge-Steward sat in his office with his feet propped up on the desk (and why not), and read the "Life of Winston Churchill." My word, if that fellow had been alive today, he'd have been a match for the Doctor's wit! Where was the Doctor anyway? Gallivanting around in their own past? Off somewhere on the other side of the Galaxy? At the bottom of the ocean helping the Atlantians change their wall paper? Helping a six armed Alpha Centurion make salt water taffy Brighton style? Where? When?
Suddenly his phone rang. It was almost with relief that he answered it. Anything was easier to stand than boredom.
Of all the things in the Universe it could have been, it was a Bobby calling from Hyde Park! "Brigadier, my Captain referred me to you. You ARE the Brigadier? Good. Merciful heavens, I need your help desperately. I am being jabbed in the ribs with an umbrella!
"My good man, I'm afraid we don't handle that sort of thing. This is a military installation not.."
"Hang on, Brigadier," the Bobby interrupted, "It's this lady that's poking me. Oww! Madam, please! Have a 'eart! She says we've been invaded from outer space and she's going to keep poking me until I do something about it. Now what can I do? If there's aliens in Hyde park who would notice?"
Alastair sighed. This was going to be another nuisance call! He had already that week been woke up out of a warm bed to investigate reports of UFOs over Gloucester. They had turned out to be a collection of gas balloons, each with the words "Eat At Cho Cho! French cuisine! On the side. Confound it!
It had rained on the way back, causing him to take the long way around to avoid flooded areas. Then, to top off the day in perfect fashion, he had a flat tyre. By the time he returned to UNIT H.Q. he was soaked to the skin, muddy and in very poor spirits generally. The very last thing he wanted in the same week was another false alarm!
"Allright Sergeant. It's not your fault. Put her on. Lady could you give us a description of the alleged aliens?"
The poor Bobby rubbed his aching ribs and handed the receiver to the women beside him. What a sight, he thought. Her flowered hat looked as if it needed weeding, her dress hadn't seen an iron since it was new, the holes in her shoes showed that her stockings hadn't been washed and as for that umbrella! The only thing it was good for was poking innocent police officers.
"Beware, Guvner!" she crowed into the phone, "They're witty ones! They're in disguise!"
"Are they now, Madam?" The Brigadier felt his earlier gloom deepening. Winston Churchill and even the Doctor had never had to deal with the denizen of Hyde Park! "And what do
they look like?"
"Just like us, Guvnor, only huge, Over six feet! And they've got buggy
eyes."
"Buggy eyes?" The Brigadier perked
up a little bit, "You mean like an insect?"
"No Guv'ner like ours but they look buggy, and they're blue. Blue as the sky on a warm summer's morn."
The Brigadier felt a faint tickling in the back of his mind, "Madam how are these aliens dressed?"
"Oh, that is the most clever part of all. They's got normal everyday dress on. He fits right in. I've only spotted the one but surely there's more."
The Brigadier felt his hopes slipping, then suddenly the rose again. He had suddenly remembered where the lady was calling from.
"There must be more of em" the lady continued,"It wouldn't make any sense to invade Earth with only one creature. not when they've gone to the trouble of hiding their space ship so clever-like and all."
Brigadier's hopes surged. "How IS the ship disguised, Madam?
"It's amazing, Guv'ner. It looks just like the old Police Call Boxes."
"A Police Call Box?" The Brigadier repeated laughing."
"Ye ain't believin' me, are ye Guv'ner? I knew it! Ye be a bunch of know-it-alls! Won't believe a word what's been said by an old lady! But I saw it Guv'nor with my own two eyes, and they're still sharp as tacks even though I 'm seventy-five. This thing popped right in front of me. I had to stop my bike to avoid running into it. Blimey but they ought to have traffic laws or something! Poppin in like that on a public road ought to be illegal!"
"Madam I assure you I DO believe you. "The Brigadier tried to sound official. "Have you got the alien under observation?"
"Indeed I do! But I don't want to keep havin' to! I'm due at my sister's at one, sharp, and this Bobby ought to do the watchin, after all that's what they're paid for."
"Where exactly is the alien, madam and what is he doing?"
"He's at the Speakers corner doin' some impossible things with a yo-yo!"
It was lucky that the telephone had no visual capabilities. The Brigadier was grinning from ear to ear, looking far too happy, most certainly, to be acting with proper military aplomb. "Rest assured Madam, that I will immediately send down someone who has had lots of experience at handing this type of invasion."
"Thank's Guv'nor. I was afraid you would think I was just another Hyde Park loon havin' a bit of fun." She gave the mystified Bobby the phone and an "I told you so" glare.
Putting the receiver to his ear, the Bobby was amazed to hear the Brigadier say, "Thank you for bringing this matter to the attention of UNIT, sir. A man will be sent out shortly to see to the situation."
"Do you mean to say you are taking her seriously, sir?"
"Indeed we are. But I assure you that her initial analysis was correct. Earth is in no danger. He does fit right in. Good day." The Brigadier hung up and hurried off to find Benton.
................
Hyde Park is a totally British phenomenon and requires a bit of explanation to the rest of the world. At the southeastern tip, near Marble Arch is the Speaker's Corner. Here any orator can lecture on any subject under the sun, be it, political, scientific, religious, philosophical, or social, for free. He or she had better be good at it, however, as the audience is great on heckling and usually is more sardonic than impressed.
If you want to hear the latest theories on the Bermuda Triangle, flying saucers, socialism, the theory of relativity, fairies, close encounters of the first, second, third, forth or even the fifth kinds, what is wrong with the world today, or any other subject you can think of (and quite a few you can't), go to Hyde Park's Speakers Corner. As for those that plan to speak, it helps to get there early and take along your own soap box as space and boxes are limited. The Doctor did.
He was getting good with his yo-yo and he wanted an audience. What better place to get one?
By the time Benton finally managed to locate the eccentric Time Lord, he had collected an audience of over a dozen people. And he was managing to hold them, too, not an easy job when you consider the competition he had to deal with. There were even other "extraterrestrials there that day, and at least one of them had actually been born as far away as Blackpool!
Many of these were much flashier dressed than the Doctor, in aluminum suits and spangle-sprinkled pajamas.
The Doctor hadn't even mentioned
his point of origin. He had kept his
onlookers spellbound with his
showmanship alone, making his yo-yo
walk the dog, go round-the-world and
almost defy gravity. The little lady
with the umbrella had one minor point
wrong. He was doing NOTHING impossible
with the yo-yo. He was simply using skill.
Benton flowed into the crowd and found himself transfixed for several minutes. My word, if the Doctor wasn't always so busy saving the Universe right, left, front and centre, he would have made a remarkable clown!
As the Doctor made his yo-yo loop-the-loop and spin and dance, he was telling funny stories and corney jokes. he had never outgrown his affinity for terrible puns, yet the crowd was loving it, laughing and asking for more! Benton didn't have the heart to stop him.
Finally the Time Lord spotted him and stopped himself. Pocketing his yo-yo he plunged through the crowd, offing his hat at every female and telling them, "Sorry I'm through but I might pop back in again a bit later this century..."
He grinned broadly at Benton, "Benton, my dear fellow! What a coincidence finding you here!" He gave the Sergeant's hand a fearsome shaking.
Benton smiled, "It's not coincidence, Sir. You were spotted. I was sent to fetch you."
"Fetch me? Whatever for? Is Earth in danger?" The Doctor gave Benton one of his best bug-eyed stares.
"No."
"Do I not have the right as much as anyone else to speak at Hyde Park?"
"Of Course you do, Doctor. It's just that...."
The Doctor folded his arms across his chest stubbornly, "Then why should I go with you?"
Benton was a bit hurt, "Aren't you he least bit glad to see me?"
The Doctor's face softened, "Of course I'm glad to see you Benton, but not a soldier."
"I can't help it if I'm both, Sir. And after all UNIT isn't a very violent military installation. There are only a few times when I've ever fired on a human being and in each of these cases it was to save others."
The Doctor nodded, "That's good, but remember, in their own eyes, other intelligent species are 'human' too."
"You do have a point there, Doctor. I will try to remember that."
The Doctor smiled and rubbed his hands together, "Well now, since you've found me, what are we going to do about it?"
Benton gazed at him hopefully, "Mightn't you just possibly WANT to go to UNIT? See all of your old friends...the Brig, Sarah Jane..."
The Doctor thought a moment, "Yes, later but right now I don't wanna go!"
"Doctor why do you have to make things difficult?"
"If I make things difficult why do you want me around?"
"Temporary insanity?"
The Doctor chuckled, "Alright, Benton, I'll at
least phone the Brigadier. Will that do?"
"It will have to, I suppose. You can use the one on my vehicle."
Walking back to the jeep, they strode side by side enjoying each other's company and the park in silence. The Doctor pointed to a squirrel, a delighted child-like grin on his face. He fished around in his voluminous pockets and came up with a bag of peanuts.
"Here, squirrel, here squirrel," he called.
The little creature came up to the huge Time Lord fearlessly, signaling with its tail, "Food here!"
Soon the Doctor and Benton had a menagerie of small wild creatures mooching from the Doctor's seemingly endless supply.
"How do you always manage to collect a crowd so quickly, Doctor?" Benton asked amazed.
"I send out the right vibrations."
"Mind control?"
"Not exactly. Remember, the most powerful mind control of all is love! Of course it doesn't hurt to have a pocket full of peanuts or a brain full of funny stories and a yo-yo. Come on."
.........
"I've located the Doctor, Sir." Benton spoke into the jeep's phone receiver.
"Fine, fine. Bring him in then."
"How sir? At gun point?"
"Benton, why would you need to use your gun?"
"He says he doesn't want to come back to UNIT unless you really need him."
The Brigadier sighed, "He does have a point, Benton. Put him on."
Despite the fact that the Brigadier had sent someone to "fetch him" the Doctor was delighted to talk to his old friend. That is as long as it didn't trap him into anything. "Hullo, Alastair," he crowed. "How are you this fine afternoon?"
The Brigadier sighed. He had never been successful at getting the Doctor to act with ANY military propriety, "Just splendid. And yourself?"
"I'm so fit vitamins could take me."
"I'm happy to hear it. You wouldn't by chance, be willing to grant us a visit, would you?"
The sarcasm was, as per usual, lost on the Time Lord. "Why?"
"Doctor the official reason is that YOU are the Special Scientific Advisor and I am SUPPOSED to be in charge. Under those circumstances I thought it would be proper for you to at least check in with me once in a while." Alastair had had several years of handling the Doctor and by Jove he was getting the hang of it! "You will like the unofficial reason better. You always brighten up the place and, best of all, we miss you. And that's God's own truth."
The Doctor at the first but smiled cheerfully at the second, "I'll be round later, Alastair. Right now though, it's too pretty a day to spend it cooped up in a military base."
"Hmmm. Well, just what DO you intend to do?"
"I'm not sure just yet. But when I find out, you'll be the second to know. Or third if you intend keeping Benton following me about. What is he? My alien-sitter?"
The Brigadier's mustache twitched, "Allright Doctor. I concede. Put your alien-sitter back on."
"Benton, stay with him, do whatever he wants to do. Just try to coax him back here later. He is right. We really don't need to see him for any other reason other than we miss his smiling face around the base."
"Aye Sir." Benton turned to the Doctor as he hung the receiver back in its cradle, "Well, Doctor what DO you want to do?"
The Doctor smiled, "Come on, OO7. Let's go back to feeding the squirrels." He reached into his pocket and withdrew a bag of peanuts, a one pound unopened bag of peanuts.
"Doctor how did you..."
"How did I what? Oh you mean the new bag of peanuts in my pocket. There is really a perfectly logical explanation."
"I'd love to hear it."
"Well it all has to do with relativity." The Doctor opened the bag and slyly popped a handful of peanuts into his mouth. "Eeeeeeeuqalmmmmc runch mouuffff omouffffff squared..."
He swallowed, "Now do you understand?"
"Doctor I didn't understand anything you said until you swallowed the peanuts!."
"Oh well Benton, I can put it even easier. It's Clarks third law."
"What law?"
The Doctor grinned, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
They fed the animals for a while, then wandered over to the outdoor cafe for something to drink.
Benton marveled at how much pleasure the Time Lord could get out of something so simple as a walk in the park.
"Now then," the Doctor exclaimed as he dropped his empty ginger beer bottle into the waste bin, "What do YOU want to do, Benton?
"Me, Sir?"
"Yes you. I'm not in the habit of talking to park benchs.
Benton grinned, "It's a wonder you don't! You talk to everything else! What do you want to do?"
"What you want to do. If you don't know I could hypnotize you and find out that way."
"Never mind! That isn't necessary, Sir. I did have plans to take my sister Katy to Brighton for the weekend but the Brig made me work."
"Wonderful! Let's go." The Doctor climbed into the left side of the American made jeep. Benton shuddered. The Doctor intended on driving!
"But, sir." Benton protested, "I'm
supposed to do what you want to do not
the other way around."
"But Benton I want to do what you
want to do."
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
The Doctor gave Benton one of his best wide eyed stares. "Have I ever been un-nice to you?"
"No, Sir."
"Exactly! So, does it surprise you that I'd like to do what you want and go where you want to go?"
"Quite frankly yes, Doctor, it does. You...well, ah, I wish to put his tactfully. You seldom notice what's going on around you, socially speaking of course, or who is going where with whom. Well, you are just not observant. Am I offending you, sir?"
"No, and yes, and you are right. But I am trying to do better. I just lost Leela for just that reason and its the same reason I lost Jo! Right now I need a bit of a diversion and you want to know something else. At this particular time period there isn't a single war in the Universe that I can do anything about.
The sergeant had no idea who Leela was, but had the tact not to ask. Cheerfully he pointed out, "We do have this war in Argentina.."
That was the wrong thing to say! "And that's supposed to cheer me up? Waffles! With what blood thirsty cheerfulness you Humans tolerate such an atrocity! Anyway that's between you Humans and NOT my affair. I want something that I can DO something about, like getting you and your sister to Brighton despite the Brigadier's determination to keep you on duty. I wonder how it happened?"
Benton stroked his chin, a habit he had subconsciously picked up from the brigadier. "As I understand it, it began over some goats."
"No. Not that tragically silly affair in Argentina. I mean the fact hat the Universe is at peace with itself right now."
Benton grinned weakly, "Maybe the devil is taking a holiday?"
The Doctor grinned impishly and glanced at the blue sky, "Splendid day for it!"
...........
The Brigadier didn't go home early that day even though he'd been up all the night before. As the leader of UNIT, he felt it was his duty to keep by the phone, just in case. But, hours crept by like snails with sore feet, and there was only so much paper to be shuffled.
He was beginning to fall into a much needed sleep with his head on the desk when the phone rang.
"Lethbridge-Steward here."
"Sergeant Benton, Sir, checking in. I'm in Brighton at the amusement park with the Doctor and my sister, Katy. They are riding on the ferris wheel right now. I told them I get a queasy stomach on it, and I do. So I was able to slip away to give you a progress report."
Benton, whatever are you doing in Brighton?"
"We're visiting the amusement park and the museums. You know Sir, that sort of thing."
"Yes, yes, but why?"
"Remember, Sir you said for me to do whatever the Doctor wanted and he wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I wanted to do what my sister wanted to do, and she wanted to go to Brighton for the day. It always makes her happy and it makes me happy to make her happy, and the Doctor wanted to make me happy and so.."
The Brigadier's head was beginning to swim. "Never mind, Benton! I understand the circumstances. If the Doctor had his way the entire world would be at the amusement park today. We'd not get much work done, but Earth would be a happier place!"
"Splendid day for it!" Benton quoted the Doctor.
"Ah yes, well just make sure that scarf of his doesn't get caught up in any of the machinery."
"The Doctor thought of that himself Sir. I'm scarf sitting now. I feel like a fool!"
The Brigadier's mustache wiggled, "It probably goes well with your uniform, sergeant."
Benton sighed, "That's what the Doctor said Sir. They're coming back now."
"I'll let you go then. We don't want him to think you are spying on him."
"He thinks that already Sir. He keeps calling me 007."
The Brigadier hung up, sighing. He walked over to a large map of England and the surrounding area. With most serious and exact military movements, he pulled a red topped pin from the side of the map and stuck it into Brighton. He sat in his chair, swinging it round to stare thoughtfully at the pin. Suddenly his mustache twitched and he began to laugh. "If only Churchill could see me now!"
In Argentina, his fellow Englishmen were risking their lives for "jolly old England" and here he was with a good handful of healthy young soldiers, none of which were allowed to join in the fighting because they were technically under U.N. jurisdiction. In some ways, it was a blessing. The Brigadier didn't need to worry about losing any of his men. But in other ways it was frustrating. The Brigadier had the blood of thousands of generations of fighting men pumping through his veins. His ancestors had fought in the Revolutionary War, in the Guy Fawlkes uprising, in a hundred others all the way back, most likely, to St. George and the Dragon! And what was their descendant doing? Sticking pins in a map to keep track of one eccentric alien's holiday in Brighton!
Maybe he ought to get a more detailed map. Then he would be able to keep track of the individual rides...
UNIT'S Janitor picked that moment to enter the Brigadier's office. He was surprised to find their esteemed leader still there. Seldom was there any reason for anyone to work late about the place. Even when the Brigadier did work late he was usually out of the H.Q. investigating false alarms such as the one that had kept their leader out chasing gas balloons. The whole base knew that. It was a considerable novelty to have the Brigadier walk in only just in time with, of all things mud on his uniform!
Now the janitor was equally surprised to hear the Brigadier laughing right out loud."
"What is it, Sir?"
The Brigadier pointed to the pin on the map, grinning wryly. "I have the movements of an alien invasion thoroughly covered! But I'm going home now, Higgins. Carry on." He saluted and marched out the door, swagger stick under his arm and with proper military correctness.
Higgins returned the salute open mouthed. "Poor poor man!" the janitor groaned. He took out his feelings on his mop bucket. Splish went the mop into the soapy water. Splush went the water all over the floor. Scrub went the mop.
"Chasing balloons must be harder on the nerves than it looks! Or that war in Argentina's got everyone going bonkers! But there is some what can take it better'n others! Poor poor Brigadier!"
****************************************
Chapter Two.
The Doctor was like a child who hadn't been to the fair in years and was making up for lost time. He rode the ferris wheel, then the round-a-bout, then the ferris wheel again. Katy didn't want to ride the round-a-bout; she felt it was too "childish." She would have been, amazed to know that the "crazy old man" that had ridden the ferris wheel with her was 750 years old! Old enough indeed to be in his one hundred and second childhood!
The Doctor loved the round-a-bout but they always made him dizzy. He climbed off the device walking rather strangely and was glad for the near-by bench. He sat down and felt his head. "Whew! Even Saurian brandy never made me feel like this! I should stick to feeding the squirrels!"
Gradually his eyes began to focus again. They focused on a handsome young man waiting quietly outside the ladies powder room. The Doctor smiled. It was the same old scene he'd seen a thousand times before on a hundred different worlds. Lady has to go "powder her nose," Lady does not want to take her purse in the 'loo, Lady hands purse to embarrassed but willing male. So, male stands with purse in had, trying to look, as the Americans put it so well, "macho" while lady takes her own sweet time.
There seemed to be something familiar about the gentleman. The Doctor scratched his head with both hands, ruffling his curly locks. "Blast his memory!" Then the light dawned high wide and handsome. He brightened and went shuffling over to the man.
"Bond, James Bond!" He crowed, Hullo, there. I am pleased to finally meet you. I saw your picture in the UNIT security files. I was bored one day, waiting for the Brigadier to show up, so I leafed through them. Yours was by far the most interesting."
The Doctor grabbed Bond's right hand in both of his and pumped furiously.
Bond was as startled as a secret agent could allow himself to be. He turned almost white. "How did you get access to those files? They're confidential!"
The Doctor gave the spy a mysterious grin, "My security clearance is higher than yours! Would you believe it?"
Out of the corner of his eye, Bond noticed Fafalo was gesturing to him to "come on." Bond wanted very much to do just that. He did not want his mind on, UNIT, strange curly haired kooks or the troubles of the world. They could wait, Fafalo couldn't.
"I would believe it, Sir." Bond answered "Right now I would believe anything. Now, if you'll exscuse me, Fafalo is calling and one should never keep a lady waiting."
The Doctor smiled, "Fafalo. Ah yes; it means 'fancy' in French! Is she your French Connection?"
"Actually she is an airline hostess and my date while I'm on holiday."
"You can tell me." The Doctor said in a conspiratorial whisper, "You're working on a case right now, aren't you?"
"No sir, as I said before, I am on holiday."
"You chaps never take holidays!"
"Don't you ever take a holiday yourself?"
"Yes of course. But then I'm 750 years and I can afford the time.!
Bond blinked, "750 years old?"
The Doctor nodded matter-of-factly as if he had just stated the weather.
Bond shook his head. Fafalo was calling him. THAT was all he wanted to think about. He gave a slight almost oriental bow, "Well good day, Sir. I have a very important matter to attend to." With that the agent strolled off to join his lady friend.
The Doctor stared after him grinning. He turned to go himself but suddenly he noticed something on the far side of the open area. Something or, more likely, someone was standing in the shadows. The Doctor put a hand to his head. His already curly hair was beginning to curl even more, a sure sign of danger!"
Maybe Bond WAS on holiday, as he was himself, but not everything was....
The Doctor backed up and suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun around, hands up in a Karate stance.
It was only Benton.
"Easy Doctor! Goodness! How many people have you accidently knocked unconscious because they snuck up on you?"
The Doctor laughed, "I've lost count." (The actual number was zero). "Say, Katy, are you going on the roller coaster?"
"Yeah!"
The Doctor fished in his pockets and handed Katy a ticket. "Here you take mine. I think I've had enough shaking up for today. The things give me a bit of a fright."
Benton laughed, "I thought nothing frightened you."
"Roller coasters do. It's not as smooth as the ferris wheel or the round-a-bout or a spaceship."
Katy thought he was referring to the amusement park spaceship ride. Only her elder brother knew the truth.
Katy was perfectly happy to go ride all on her own.
"Plucky little girl!" The Doctor smiled, "And a good thing too. Benton look over there."
Benton stared, "At what? The Clown?"
"No, No No! See that handsome man with that charming dark haired girl?"
"A lovely couple. Ah Doctor, have you got love on your mind?"
"Never touch the stuff. Too dangerous. That, dear boy, is James Bond."
"So?"
"The Spy, Benton. The spy. The real 007! I think he's on a case. Look out, I sense international intrigue. Maybe there's something useful for me to do after all."
"Doctor did it ever occur to you that he just might be on holiday also?"
"Nonsense, Bond never takes a holiday. He can't afford one. He only lives twice, you know."
Benton sighed. "I never thought you did, either. Little did I know!"
James and Fafalo headed for the House of Horrors. The Doctor grabbed Benton by the arm, "It's a good thing Katy's gone. Come."
Benton cast a despairing glance at the blue sky and struggled to keep up with the sprinting Doctor, "Doctor, please! Let go of my arm, I'm old enough to walk by myself!"
Bond noticed his "tail" but said nothing for fear of upsetting Fafalo. This had happened before. Every once in a while, someone discovered he was an agent and tried to "help." Having the same name as the fictionalized version of himself didn't help matters much, but in some ways it did. When he introduced himself, "Bond is the name. James Bond." most people only smiled and commented on the coincidence.
Unfortunately this kook was doing such a bad job of tailing that even Fafalo noticed. She gave an unhappy glance back over her shoulder and whispered in Jame's ear. "James! There is a very strange man following us and a military man is watching him!
"I know, my love. Just ignore them and after a while they will go away. They always do."
Meanwhile Benton was arguing furiously with the Doctor. "I thought we were here to have a holiday, Doctor."
"We are."
"Then why are we chasing trouble?"
"I wanted to do something new, something I've never done before and I've never done this before."
"I could do without it."
Benton don't you understand. He may be in trouble!"
"Now what kind of trouble could Bond get into here?" Benton had stopped, folding his arms over his chest stubbornly, "Even you'd find it hard to manage, but it seems you ARE
trying!"
"THAT kind of trouble. Look!"
"Look where?"
"There." The Time Lord twisted Benton's head round and pointed.
"Oww! Oh!"
When Benton looked where the Time Lord was pointing he caught sight of a figure ducking into the shadow of the candy floss booth. It appeared that he was carrying a gun.
Benton tried to keep an aura of normalcy about the situation. "Well it could be he's replacing a gun in one of the arcade games. They DO need replacing once in a while."
"Then why is he acting so furtive?"
"So people like us won't ask the kind of questions you are asking."
The man stepped into the sunlight once more.
"Uh-Oh!" Benton said as he saw the face of the strange man. "Doctor I think I owe you an apology. I recognize that man from an old police flyer."
"Who is he?"
"He has man aliases but is known most often as Suicidal Sammy. He is a "hit man" to use the term loosely. Funny. I thought he was in the penitentiary."
"Benton, lets not stand here debating the ethics of the judicial system. He's obviously here to kill Bond. We have to stop him!"
The Doctor gestured, "You go to the left round the booth and I'll go to the right and he'll be piggy in the middle."
The Doctor then promptly took off around to the left, the way he had told Benton to go. Benton sighed and went the other direction.
However inefficient a team they made, they did manage to catch the surreptitious figure between them.
The Doctor doffed his had in a friendly manner, "Hullo." he said politely. The man backed away, running smack into Benton. "And what have we here?"
"A-a gun," he replied, looking around wildly.
The Doctor's eyes widened in mock horror. "A gun? On such a fine day as this? Were you perhaps going to shoot someone?" The man thought furiously. This was the strangest cop he had ever run into. Suddenly the man darted away before either of the two psuedo-cops could move. They followed him into the House of Horrors, where he hoped to escape in the dark.
Hunting for a man with a gun in a spooky old building filled with grinning monsters and snarling ghosties was not Benton's idea of a fun holiday. He was grateful that his sister was off riding the roller coaster. It was the only small favor Providence had granted him that day.
Finally, the Doctor cornered their quarry. He had pulled a torch from one of his forever filled to overflowing pockets, "Gotcha!" he shouted as if they were just playing tag and he was "it."
Sammy was getting very nervous.That ploy had worked before but the huge pursuer would not be denied. Sammy decided to try threats.
"Stand away or I'll shoot!"
Benton watched in speechless horror as the Doctor began walking towards the fellow, eyes gentle as velvet.
"Stand back or I'll shoot! I mean it" he repeated, though with less conviction than before.
"No, I don't think you do."
"Yes-yes I do!"
"Doctor, Please! Let him go!" Benton shouted in alarm.
"No Benton. He doesn't want to shoot us. Do you my good man?" The tone of his voice was gentle but it held a kind of hypnotic quality that no human could resist.
It never ceased to amaze Benton how the Doctor could, at the same time, be a clown and a Caesar, buffoon and revered genius. He could go from one to the other and back again in the twinkling of an eye. Someone that had been, but a moment before, laughing at the Doctor's antics, could be in awe of him.
The Doctor's eyes seemed to look right into Sammy's soul. Against his will, he allowed both jaw and gun to droop. He closed his eyes to shield them from the Doctor's hypnotic stare
and put his hands to his temples as if to sooth a throbbing headache. He moaned.
The Doctor reached over and took the gun from lax fingers. Holding it distastefully in thumb and forefinger, he handed it to Benton. He smiled at the fellow as if they were sharing a pleasant day in the park. "Nasty things, guns. You are indeed wise to decide not to play with them."
"I-uh-I..." Suicidal Sammy was terrified. Vaguely he realized that his mind was being controlled by a higher power and it was scary. He had been trying to get close enough to kill Bond, but the Doctor was ever so gentle with him. It was a puzzlement to Sammy's primitive mind.
"Come, dear chap. Let me buy you some candy floss."
The Doctor bought a round of candy floss and stood munching on his thoughtfully. Benton, on the other hand, just stared at the pink foam in his hand, marveling, not for the first time, at the Doctor's seeming affinity for trouble. "Blast the man!" Thought Benton. A minute before they'd almost been killed by this fellow and here he was eating candy floss with him!
. "You aren't the criminal type," the Doctor told their captive. When the Doctor said it, the fellow had to believe it. His voice was so persuasive that even Benton began to believe it. He shook his head to clear it. No! This man was a known criminal! Benton forced his mind away from the Doctor's soporific influence.
"Come. Who put you up to shooting Bond?"
Sammy opened and closed his mouth a few times, clearly influenced by the Doctor but not wanting to inform on his "employers." A criminal he might be, but it was never said of Suicidal Sammy that he was a stool pigeon!
"I-uh..." he said again.
"Oh never mind. We don't really want to know if it is going to distress you so much!"
"I do!" Benton said firmly.
"Doctor what are you saying? We've got to take him in! You do realize that, don't you? We can't let someone as potentially dangerous as him loose on the streets of Brighton!"
"Why not?" It's wonderful weather for it."
"Doctor, innocent people could be hurt!" Benton could never figure out at these times, if the Doctor was being comical, incredibly naive or profound beyond human comprehension.
The Doctor gave Benton a stern look then turned smiling to Sammy, "Well, just don't sit there, man. Get going before I change my mind!"
The poor fellow took a huge bite our his candy floss, and exclaimed, "thank you kindly!" Though with a mouthful of candy floss it came out more like "Ahankwhoindly!" Then he scurried away.
Benton made as if to give chase but the Doctor restrained him by the back of his shirt. "Let him go." There was no mistaking the strength, behind those gentle words.
"I thought you wanted to play spy!" Benton could NEVER, would never understand the Doctor!
"I so," The Doctor grinned. "But not to the point where it disrupts lives."
"But, he wasn't on our side!"
"But I am on the side of the entire Human race, and of the individual humans in it. That poor chap did his last bad job today. He's decided to go straight. I could see it in his eyes. He wants a better world too, only he doesn't quite know how to bring it about. Well come on then. Let's go tail Bond again, that poor chap needs our protection!"
"Doctor, who is going to protect you?"
The Doctor gave Benton a bug eyed stare, "I thought that was your job."
"It is, but you're making life difficult!"
"Nonsense, you're doing a splendid job of it." The Doctor gave Benton a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, "By the way why was he called Suicidal Sammy?"
"That's the nickname Scotland Yard has given him. He was a demolitions expert in RAF during the Vietnam war. When he 'retired' because of battle fatigue, he started hiring himself out as a hit man. Fortunately for all concerned, he usually only succeeds in nearly offing himself. In his entire career, he's never once managed to kill the person whom he was hired to kill. He on the other hand, has ended up in the hospital more times than he can count."
"Very interesting. Well come on then, let's go tail Bond again." With that the Doctor popped the last of his candy floss into his mouth, gave his scarf an elegant sweep about his neck and went pacing off in search of 007.
Sighing and wondering just what he would really have done if it had been in the way possible for him to be in command of the situation, Benton tagged after the eccentric Time Lord.
Fafalo glanced backward from time to time, fearful that they had again, picked up on their tail. They had. Finally she could take it no longer. "James! That kookie idiot did NOT give up! He is still behind us."
Bond peered over his shoulder and sighed, nodding. "I'm afraid you are right, my love. Let's go to the beach. We may be able to shake him there. Maybe he and his friends will tire of following us if we leave the park."
But the Doctor did not give up.
Kathy balked at leaving the amusement park, "Johnathon!" she protested. Benton grabbed his sisters arm and pulled her along."
"Johnathon I don't wanna leave! I still have tickets for the ferris wheel, and the roller coaster again, and...."
"You can come back later. If I left you here alone, Mom'd tack my hide to the greenhouse. And if I lose the Doctor, the Brig'll take me down the next morning and have me shot! Now, come along."
Katy "Came along." She crossed her arms over her chest, pouting. A small storm brewed silently behind her innocent looking green eyes. Benton was embarrassed clear down to his toes, but the Doctor plowed on cheerfully.
He bought a newspaper and tried to hide behind it. He might as well have been a belly dancer trying to hide inside a g-string.
Bond frowned at Fafalo, who kept glancing behind them.
"James, they did NOT quit following us." she repeated.
He nodded, "I know, I know. Stop turning around, you are only encouraging them. Try to handle it philosophically. He is kind of amusing to watch. And it's better than having Russians following us."
"How do you know he isn't a Russian? He looks like a big bear!"
"That's how I know. He's too Russian looking to be a Russian. THEY would be a bit more inconspicuous."
Benton sat in the wet sand in perfect military posture, thinking to himself, "As long as I have to do guard duty this sure beats UNIT! He turned his head to follow a pretty girl in a bikini. She smiled at the Sergeant and he smiled back. "This is certainly a lot more fun!"
Without warning a handful of sand slapped against the front of his uniform and slid into his lap. Katy shoved against against his chest. "Lie down! I wanna bury you!"
Her elder brother refused. "You can't bury me. I may need to chase after the Doctor."
"Why do we have to follow that old man about? He's no fun. And neither are you today!"
"You sure don't know him very well!" Benton grinned. "Go bury him. At least then I'll know he won't be running off. Go on!"
Disgusted with her brother Katy ambled off.
Benton smiled at his little sister and at himself. Sending Katy to bury the Doctor was definitely, as the Doctor would put it, "messing up two stones with one bird." If the Doctor was buried (and he knew from experience that she could do an excellent job) he wouldn't be going anywhere very fast, and he, Benton, could soak up a little sunshine and watch a few sunshines go by..and get some peace and quiet from his sister's pestering. All at the same time!
Katy ambled over to the somnolent-seeming Doctor and began to bury him, beginning at his feet. Her expertise at sand burying was based on logic: If you bury the feet of your subject first, then they can't run away in the middle of all the fun.
The Doctor was not in one of his talkative moods. Usually he loved chatting with children, but now his eyes and mind were focused on Bond.
Bond began to wish he had never even heard of Brighton!
By the time Katy had buried the Doctor all the way up to his neck, she had begun to get bored with the project. The Doctor hadn't said one word during the entire ordeal. That took all the fun out of it!"
She went shuffling back over to her brother, kicking up little clouds of sand. Benton still sat in the same spot with the same military preciseness. Civilians were staring at him as they walked by, puzzled looks on their faces. But Benton was too happy to be away from UNIT to care.
"Johnathon burying him's no fun. He doesn't mind it the way you! Let's go back to the amusement park."
Benton sighed, "Katy we can't go back unless the Doctor does. If I lost him the Brig'd have my hide for sure."
"What's so important about him anyway?"
"He's our Special Scientific Advisor and the Brig doesn't want anything to happen to him."
Katy jammed her small fists unto her hips and with the logic of a child, said, "What could possibly happen to him on a public beach?"
"You underestimate the Doctor, little sister. Who knows?" He stared across at Bond and the girl but didn't dare explain about the Doctor being an alien. She had no security clearance, "Russians maybe..."
"Russians! On a beach in Brighton?" She giggled at the picture her brother's words brought to her mind, "Johnathon you've been watching too many James Bond movies!"
Johnathon Benton! Wait till I tell Mom what a flop my holiday turned out to be!"
That got his attention! If there was anyone he feared more than the Brigadier it was MOM! "Katy, you wouldn't!"
"Oh wouldn't I!"
"Listen Katy, if you behave yourself, after all this is over with, I'll take you to see that new American flick you've been wanted to see, 'Close
Encounters of the Third Kind.'"
Although the bribe was tempting she was in no mood to be pacified, "I don't believe in aliens anyway. There's no such thing as an
extraterrestrial!"
Benton couldn't help glancing over at the still-buried Doctor. "If only you knew."
"Oh, Johnathon! You make me so mad! I could....I could.....I will!" She grabbed a big handful of wet sand, took off his cap and plopped it right down on top of her brother's head.
"Katherine Marie Benton! Why you little.....!" Benton leaped to his feet, snatching up a large handful of the wet gritty substance for himself he attempted to stuff it down his sister's back."
She shrieked!
This attracted the attention of Fafalo. "Oh look, James. Now the wackies are having a sand fight. We can leave while their attention is away from us. Oui?"
"Oui" Bond agreed. "It's worth a try."
He shook out the towels and flung them over his shoulder, herding Fafalo along toward the changing rooms.
Katy seized a double fistful and threw it at Benton striking him in the side of the head when he attempted to dodge.
He returned fire, but Katy ducked at the last possible second. The sand came down in one beautiful snow-like swirl all over the Doctor.
The Doctor, for all his fierce temper, was a rather docile Time Lord in some ways. He was very much like a male lion that was very gentle with cubs but wouldn't allow any liberties to be taken by another adult male lion. Thus he had patiently allowed Katy to bury him in the sand but Benton flinging sand at him was another matter entirely.
The Doctor struggled from beneath his tomb of sand and dragging sandy scarf behind him, shuffled over to the now panic-striken sergeant. "Benton, whatever are you doing telling Katy to bury me in the sand? (Yes, I heard you) and then flinging sand at me?"
Benton swallowed. He was beginning to feel like an old tyre; Between the Brigadier, Mom and the Doctor, he was sure to get flattened sooner or later!
"Well, Sir I couldn't very well allow Katy to bury ME, now could I? Can you imagine what the Brigadier'd say if I came in to give a report all covered with sand?"
The Doctor gave Benton one of his best bug-eyed stares, looking him up and down. Benton was beginning to resemble a Sphinx after a high wind storm. "Benton I don't think I will have to leave it to my imagination!"
With one hand he took Benton's cap from his head. With the other hand he reached into his coat pocket (looking much fuller than usual; Katy's burying job had been through), and pulled out a handful of very wet sand. He plopped the sand into Benton's cap and made as if to replace it on the Sergeant's head. Time Lord and Human stared at one another for a few eternal seconds.
Suddenly the Doctor turned the cap over, letting the sand trickle slowly out. "It is an indication of superior intellect that I can forgive!" he stated. He gave Benton back his cap (now empty), and shuffled over to his spot on the beach, sat down, folding his arms over his chest in an obvious huff, his hat pulled low over his eyes.
Benton expelled his breath in an enormous whoosh! The Doctor was sulking. Apparently he had been forgiven intellectually, but not emotionally."
"Doctor, with you, I should receive a medal for going above and beyond the call of duty!"
Katy mean while, was staring at Bond. Poor chap! He had successfully evaded Russian spies, American super-criminals, British turn-coats, even gone into space and back, but he couldn't shake the surveillance of one little girl. Katy pointed suddenly, "Look Doctor! The man you are following just left with his main squeeze! Now can we leave too?"
Benton stared at his sister, "Where did you get such an expression?"
"From watching American films on the telly!"
Her brother smiled ruefully, "The Brig should have had you follow the Doctor about instead of me."
"No way, Jose! I wanna go back to the park!"
The Doctor chuckled, "What was it Churchill said once about the British and the Americans being one people separated by a common language?" With that he stuck his hands deep into his pockets and ambled after his quest. Benton sighed, took a protesting Katy by the hand and strolled after him. It had all the flavor of a parade.
Bond and Fafalo cast their unwanted "guests" an unhappy glance and took off running. The Doctor grabbed Benton by the arm and started running too. "Come on! Come on!" he urged.
Benton got a firmer grip on his sister. "Come on!" he echoed.
Katy shrieked, "Johnathon, just you wait until you get home!"
Bond could have run forever but Fafalo was not used to such physical exertion. They had almost succeeded in getting away since Benton would not leave his sister behind (and the Doctor did not expect him to), when the airline hostess skidded to a halt. "James, I cannot take any more of this!" She actually stamped her foot.
"We've got to try to out run them, dear."
"Why not just tell them off? Tell them to go away!"
"And create a scene?" Bond shuddered. If there was one thing he didn't need it was a Bobby wandering up. If it got into the papers! That's all a secret agent doesn't need, publicity! He gazed about wondering what to do next. Off to the left he spied a small booth. "Boats to let" said the hand painted sign above the door. A slow, sly smile spread over his handsome face. "I have an idea!"
Bond hurried to the booth, thrust several bills at the bearded man behind the counter and was handed a key. His eye was caught by a stand of brightly colored paperbacks, He quickly scanned the tittles and made a selection. More money exchanged hands as he pocketed his purchase.
"Keep the change! Come along, my love."
At this distance it appeared to the Doctor, Benton and Katy that Bond had made a secret exchange.
Bond led Fafalo towards the docks. He flashed the key at the guard by the marina gate and was admitted. He hurried along, reading the names of the boats until he came to the one he had rented. He practically dragged poor Fafalo up the gang blank. Shortly the modest vessel was chugging out of the harbor.
Benton had never seen the Doctor so disappointed. Even his scarf and curly brown hair seemed to droop. he stared dejectedly at the rapidly receding craft, standing on tip-toe and craning his neck for the longest possible time. He finally came off his toes and, hands in pockets, shuffled thoughtfully back to Benton and Katy, kicking up little swirls of sand in frustration.
Benton and Katy fell into step beside him. Some sense of perception present only in the young and young at heart told Katy that the Doctor needed cheering up. She had to get his mind off of Bond and his disappointment.
"Now can we go back to the park?" she chirped.
Benton shrugged, "Maybe."
The Doctor did cheer up a bit as they neared the entrance. It was hard to stay sad on such a pretty day. He smiled at Katy. For a moment the face of his granddaughter Susan imposed itself in front of his eyes. Shyly Katy slipped her small hand into the Doctor's large one and gave him a squeeze.
"Yes let's do go back to the park. Amazing chap that Bond. Must have been on a holiday after all. Come on, then. Last one to the ferris wheel is a rotten egg!"
Meanwhile, James and Fafalo were relaxing on the deck of their rented boat. Fafalo stared worriedly at the shore.
"Darling, do you think we have really lost them this time?"
The spy grinned, "I suspect so, Dear. Unless they plan to rent a boat, which will be difficult if not impossible."
"Why is that?"
"I bribed the owner of the rental shop. They won't be able to rent a leaky row boat from him and he is the only one in that marina."
Fafalo jumped up and down joyfully. "Oh James. You are so clever!"
"Yes, I am, aren't I? Though, who knows. Maybe they were from UNIT. That strangely dressed one recognized me from somewhere!"
The thought that his face might have become known to certain unauthorized persons was a worrisome one indeed. He sighed, mentally forcing himself to shrug off the concern and reached for the paperback he had bought.
"James, what is that?"
Bond grinned, "It's a novel I've been wanting to read. I thought if our unwelcome followers actually saw me making some kind of a pick-up, they would be satisfied and go home. Just a little insurance my dear."
Fafalo was insulted, "James! A book, when you have me?" She snuggled up to him and began nibbling on his ear.
Bond laughed, "There is enough of me to share between you and the book, Love, it's going to be a two week cruise, at least!"
"What is the name of this book that so holds your attention?"
"It's just the novelization of that new American flick everyone is keen about: 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind.' It has been a boyhood dream of mine that I would one day get to meet and talk with an extraterrestrial. Of course, I realize that it probably won't ever happen. But, I can still dream can't I?"
Fafalo nibbled at his hair, "Enough of your boyhood dreams. Tell me more about your adult fantasies...."
Chapter 3.
Back at UNIT HQ the next morning, the Doctor stood before his old friend the Brigadier and leafed through the report the Brigadier had written on his escapades this past weekend. Alastair had done nothing to hide the fact that he had written the report, else why leave it out where anyone might find it? But it made the Doctor very unhappy.
He leafed through it, reading with incredible speed, then slapped it down on the desk again. "Alastair, don't you trust me?"
The Brigadier looked taken-aback, "Of course I do!"
"Then why write out a report on my movements during the past few days? Gracious! I can't go to the loo without half the government officials knowing where and when!"
Alastair smiled, "It isn't that bad, Doctor. Take a look up there, what do you see?" He gestured toward the book shelf."
The Doctor didn't have to look, he knew what was up there. "It's a collection of books on proper military procedures that would make Hannibal green with envy. So what?"
"Right, and not one of them tells me what to do with a handful of healthy, battle trained men when there isn't any threat. This situation is so unusual there isn't even a precedent."
"Why don't you write one?"
"As a matter of fact, I am. But how can I justify our existence to Geneva if we don't at least stay on top of the one invasion that fate has handed us in the last two years?"
"I hardly count as an invasion!"
"No, you don't, but you do come under our jurisdiction. So you really think that we think you're up to something? Hardly! But Benton hardly counts as an 007 either. And if you MUST keep calling him that, remember, 007 often acted as a double agent. Benton was there as much to protect you as to spy on you. I only had him call in because that is proper military procedure and besides, you are the only bright spot in over two years of doing nothing but acting as tour guides, chasing gas balloons and swamp gas!"
"I reiterate, why write a report on me?"
The Brigadier picked up the report, stared at it sadly and chucked it into the waste bin. "It was either that or doodle pictures of Churchill! Oh yes we did have one other official UNIT act while you were gone."
The Doctor gazed at the waste bin, "What was that?"
"We sponsored a bazaar to raise money to install smoke alarms in Cho-je's monastery. Since your friend is also a Time Lord we thought it was within our jurisdiction to protect him. That monastery is NOT fire proof!"
"In addition, half of my men have threatened to take up knitting and the other half has. Would you like to have your scarf repaired?"
The Doctor suddenly felt ashamed, He had been thinking only of himself. He looked over at his friend and studied the face that stared sadly back at him. He suddenly realized that his friend was getting old and didn't feel that he had much to show for his life. The glittering streaks of gray in Alastair's temples helped the Doctor to
make a difficult decision.
He leaned both hands on the desk, forcing the Brigadier to lean back in his chair. He looked up into the Doctor's blue eyes and saw only gentleness in them. Odd. they seemed darker than before.
"Alastair," he said quietly, "Do you trust me?"
"Doctor we've just been through that."
"Just answer my question. Do you trust me?"
"Yes, yes, of course I do."
"Then come with me on a short trip, in my Tardis. I want you to meet a relative of yours, a great great GREAT descendant."
The Brigadier was dubious, "Do I have to?"
"If you trust me you do, if not, I'll never let you forget it."
The Brigadier knew the Doctor well enough to know that the implied threat was not an idle one.
"Well, all right. Anything is better than going home and reorganizing my closets again."
.........
Space station K7 seemed rather empty without tribbles, Klingons or Cyrano Jones about. But at least it was more peaceful. This was one shore leave that was going to go right!"
Captain James T. Kirk was sure of it. He had a warm feeling in his soul! He sat at a table with Bones and Spock reflecting that this was one of the few times he had ever felt content. No, content wasn't the right word for the way he felt. Happy. That was it! He was just plain happy.
Scotty and Chekov shared a table with Sulu and LaSalle. The latter two were arguing over something called a "Gloxin." Lt. Uhura was off shopping with Chris Chapel. All in all, everyone was occupied doing something that would
keep him or her out of trouble and out of the Captain's hair.
A fine situation indeed. The Captain leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh of contentment.
In a dark corner of one of the now empty storerooms, a strange blue shape materialized. No one was guarding them now as there was nothing to guard, so no one noticed this strange arrival. The Doctor popped out leading a rather cautious Brigadier.
"Where are we?" The Brigadier asked, a bit worried. He looked about him, clutching his swagger stick.
The Doctor sniffed, then sneezed. "I think we're where they kept the quadrotriticale. I smell a bit of it about. Achoo! The confounded stuff always makes me sneeze. He pulled a small torch from his pocket and began casting about the compartment. He bent and picked up a small something from a corner. It was a piece of grain, "See, that's it. Achoo!"
"Bless you! Er, what is that stuff?"
"Quadrotriticale is a high yield grain. A four lobed hybrid of wheat and rye. A perennial also. Its root grain, triticale, can trace its ancestry all the way back to Twentieth century Canada." As he talked, The Doctor had gotten out his sonic screwdriver and was fiddling with the lock.
"I beg your pardon?" Most of what the Doctor had just said had gone over Alastair's head. Agriculture was not his forte.
"It's a kind of wheat. Come."
He stepped back on his heels, running his hand through his curly locks, "That's strange. My little tool doesn't seem to work on this lock. Must be a new model. Hmmm. Most unusual."
The Brigadier felt panic building up inside of him. "Doctor, if you would please hurry I'd appreciate it. I'm rather a bit apprehensive about the dark. The places you go no telling what's lurking about in it."
"Relax Alastair. If I can't get the door open we can just get back in the Tardis and move it a few feet to the right, of course if I do that, we may end up on K-PAX. Ah! There! That's got it." He grinned sheepishly although Alastair couldn't see him, "I'm getting too paranoid for my own good. No wonder my sonic screwdriver wouldn't unlock it."
"Well, do I have to drag it out of you? Why wouldn't it work?"
"It wasn't locked."
Carefully gathering his scarf so it wouldn't get caught on anything and choke him, the Doctor hopped down."Come on, Alastair. I'll help you. Here, put your foot in my hands." The Doctor laced his fingers together and stood with his feet planted wide for support.
"I can make it myself!" The Brigadier was indignant! Surely he wasn't looking that old! "Doctor, I don't understand the need for this journey. It had better be good."
"Oh, it will be." The Doctor said. "Come on. I'll buy you a bag of Romulan gobstoppers."
The bartender eyed the strangely scarfed apparition and his uniformed companion with disbelief. "You want what? This is a bar, Buddy not a candy store. The candy store's across the hall."
"No gobstoppers? Jelly beans maybe? No? No. I don't suppose you have any jelly babies? I didn't think so. I shall have to attend to the candy store after all."
The Doctor doffed his hat, "Well good morning or afternoon or evening, whatever." Then the Doctor went sweeping out again, waving good-bye cheerfully, scarf dragging behind him. The Brigadier, swagger stick in place beneath his arm, and trying to maintain an aura of dignity marched out behind him. The bartender waved back in sheer disbelief.
McCoy had been watching the preceding and began laughing, "Jim, looks who's here."
Jim looked around. "Oh no! What is
it about this space station, Bones? It looks perfectly normal from space, doesn't it? I mean, it's not painted psychedelic or anything else I don't know about."
Spock raised a questioning eyebrow, "To what are your making reference, Captain?"
"I am referring to the fact that it attracts such characters. Surely you remember the Doctor?"
Spock nodded, "Of course. He is not as erratic as he seems. Most of his ridiculous behavior is a typical psychological defense mechanism. Many anthropologists use humor to smooth out their relationships with the primitives they study."
"He sure knows how to use it too! "Bones grinned. "Who is that military fellow that's following him? He looks uncomfortable."
"Wouldn't you be in such a uniform as that? The climate is positively tropical in here."
McCoy shook his head. "No, I mean psychologically uncomfortable, Jim."
"Maybe he's not used to the Doctor either."
Spock steepled his fingers. "Hmmmmm. It may be the space station itself. We are forgetting that the Doctor is a time traveler. Of what century is his companion from? And what planet?"
The Doctor didn't take long in the candy store because he didn't have to pick and choose. He went in it knowing exactly what he wanted everything. He soon returned to the bar with his pockets loaded with what looked to be a ten year supply of various kinds of sweets. The Brigadier wondered at that: Either people in this time period fortified their "junk foods" with nutrients or the Doctor had such an alien metabolism that he could eat that much candy and still remain healthy."
Back at the bar the Doctor walked right up to the Enterprise officers and bid them a good day. "Hullo there," he chirped happily "gentlemen its been a while. Here, have a jelly baby."
McCoy smiled and took the offered candy. "I will, thanks. I'll take it that no worlds need rescuing from imminent disaster at the moment."
"Can't be bothered with it today Leonard. I'm entitled to a holiday once in a while. See section ninety-three, paragraph two of the Laws Governing The Conduct of Time Lords. It says, 'A Time Lord, after a journey of more than four hundred years and twelve parsecs, is entitled to a period of rest and relaxation not exceeding fifty years.'"
"Oh, I wasn't questioning your right to be here. After all we did make you an honorary member of the Federation."
The Brigadier cleared his throat.
"Oh yes! Forgive me Alastair, "I've forgotten my manners. This man is the reason I am here. This gentlemen is a great great ancestor of Kirk's: Brigadier Alastair Gorden Lethbridge-Steward of the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce from the late Twentieth Century. I wanted him to meet you chaps; Feeling a bit unappreciated he is, that terribly important war in Argentina, you know. Meanwhile the poor fellow's holed up in England with nothing IMPORTANT to do!"
Jim's face lit up "Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart!" He put on his best "visiting Admiral" voice and began pumping the surprised soldier's hand. "Am I ever glad to meet you, sir!"
McCoy's reaction was, as ususal more emotional. He was pounding the poor Englishmen on the back with affectionate slaps.
Spock sat straight and stared at the Human with definite respect.
Alastair gave up trying not to look surprised and stared at the Doctor. Why were they making such a fuss over him?
The Doctor just grinned at him and winked.
Now what was that supposed to mean? Alastair thought.
Now Jim had him by the arm and was dragging him over to a table in the corner. An oriental and a dark haired man who might have been Russian was sitting there. So were two other people, one obviously a fellow Scotsman.
"Gentlemen, this is Brigadier Alastair Gorden Lethbridge Steward. The Doctor has brought him from the Twentieth Century to meet us! Show him
full military honors!"
The men immediately leaped to attention and saluted.
The Brigadier was beginning to feel giddy. He felt the Doctor's hand on his arm to steady him. It wouldn't do for him to faint now!"
Suddenly everyone was talking at once.
"Let me buy you a drink, Brigadier."
"No, me!"
"What was it like in those days? Did you still use swords in battle?"
"What was the Queen like?"
"Was the weather really as bad before weather control as we were led to believe?"
"How long has Big Ben been where it is?"
"When was UNIT founded?"
The Brigadier's voice thundered like a parade ground roar. "Gentlemen if you please!"
The whole table, the whole room became completely silent. Now THAT was military discipline!"
He smiled, "I'll try to answer all of your questions but please, only one at time, and follow Roberts Rules of Order..."
My word! thought the Doctor to himself. Alastair would have made an excellent teacher.
After the questions had died away, the Doctor took the Brigadier gently by the arm, "You've missed your calling, Alastair. You should have been a teacher."
"Should I?" The Brigadier was confused at first, so much had happened in the last several hours. The idea finally sunk in. "Well I suppose I could have been."
When the Doctor and the Brigadier boarded the TARDIS to go home, they were escorted to the door by the Enterprise crew. They were sent off with cheerful and rather American seeming "good byes," "adios amigos," "au revoirs," "Live Long and Prospers" and a mysterious "Nanu Nanu" kind of greeting that he didn't understand at all.
**********
The Doctor took the long way about the time-space curve letting the journey take longer than it would have. He wanted the Brigadier to have time to think.
Finally he asked, "Doctor, why were they so delighted to meet me? In fact why was my name familiar to them at all?"
"Alastair, my old friend, don't you realize it? You're going to go down in history as the founder of UNIT. as the Earth's first interplanetary diplomat and as the first Earthling to fight for the entire planet instead of for just bits and pieces."
Without another word, the Time Lord landed TARDIS old girl underneath an apple tree in the UNIT's garden. The moon was full and so bright it lit up the countryside almost as if it were daylight. A confused robin was singing its little heart out as if it were a nightingale. The Doctor pointed him out to his friend, way up in the top branches of the apple tree, a dark shape against the silvery orb.
Alastair hoped it was at least dark enough to hide the fact that there were tears in his eyes. "Doctor that is only the second miracle you've shown me today. I, I want to thank you. I needed to know that my life counted for something and you showed me that it did. You are a great friend and I am proud to have you as one."
"That's very kind of you, Alastair. You know, I broke one of our Time Laws by taking you into the future like that, but you were so despondent, that I just couldn't bear it."
"You never were one to stick to the rules. God knows how I've tried to get you to."
"So right, my friend, so right."
"Don't ever think that we don't trust you, not ever again." He smiled, "And that's an order. Now if you will excuse me, I think I'll head for home and my warm bed. It's been quite a day.
Good night Doctor."
"Good night Alastair."
Alastair turned and marched off in the direction of the car park. He was whistling what sounded like an old Scottish love song and the Doctor could swear there was a bounce to his step that he had not seen in a long while.
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