A/N: First thing I've ever posted on FF... be nice! If you want to, that is.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the brilliant J.K. Rowling, you know how it goes.
Letting Go of the Snitch
"Not in a million years, Potter."
The words run through his mind, over and over like a record on repeat. In his mind, he sees Lily Evans' full, red lips spit them out venomously. Funny how something so beautiful can say something so damaging, he thinks.
He's heard her snap the words at him countless times, but the sting is still there. Each time hurts a little more than the last, because each time she's destroying a little more hope.
(And James Potter has had it)
You'd think he might lose hope, but he never does. He doesn't know why- he knows she wants him to, and that should be reason enough- but he never loses hope. Every time he hears those cruel words, spoken with that perfect mouth, in that perfect voice that rings in his mind for hours, even days afterwards- "Not in a million years, Potter,"- the hope he'd spent days building up crashes, another colour turns to grey. But then it starts building again, he paints in the colours once more. And every time his efforts are in vain.
(James Potter has had it with her destroying his false hope)
He wants to give up. He wants to be able to walk by her without wishing he could be the guy next to her. He wants to be able to walk into the great hall without his eyes immediately landing on her. He wants to play at Quidditch games and enjoy the attention without searching for her, hoping she's giving him attention too. He wants to stop being disappointed when she's not. He wants to hear her name without feeling a tug at his heartstrings. He wants to be able to see green things without thinking of those glorious eyes. He wants the dull ache that always accompanies any thought of her to go away. He wants to stop hurting.
(James Potter has had it with thinking of her)
He doesn't know how much more heartbreak he can take. He's going to run out of colours to paint in soon. He's sitting on the seventeenth step of the staircase leading to the entrance hall now. He asked her out for the first time on this very step, five years ago. They were twelve then. It's dark and empty now, but at that moment five years ago, it was crowded with a sea of students , pushing against the steady flow of students as they climbed the staircase to rush to their Charms lesson.
She was walking right ahead of him, her bag bouncing lightly against her hip, her wavy hair tied up into a high ponytail. And suddenly he's thinking she really is pretty... and she's clever and funny too. So he calls her name and utters the words that would soon become routine.
"Will you go out with me, Evans?" he asks with unconscious confidence. Every other girl would say yes to him, why shouldn't she? Sirius' eyes widen beside him, matching the expression of a few on lookers. Lily turns to look at him, curiosity and surprise dominating her features.
"Uh... n- no. S-sorry, but.. no," she stutters. Nothing like the outright mean responses she gives him now, he recalls bitterly. She'd been nervous that he asked her, he could tell. He watches, stunned, as she hurries away with her friends, who whisper furiously to her. She doesn't look at him for days. The rejection doesn't bother him, though. It was a spur of the moment thing, he's not sure why he did it.
Soon it turns into a game. He asks her because he thinks it's funny how flustered she gets. He likes annoying her- it means getting her attention, and he wants that. She doesn't pay attention to him like the other girls do, and that only makes him want it more. As he grows up, he begins appreciating how beautiful the flush that overtakes her pale cheeks is.
But mostly, it's a game of Quidditch. He's seeker, and she's the snitch. But he can't catch her, and that's what keeps him coming back.
It's more than just a game now. He's still playing Seeker to a snitch he'll never catch, but now he really hopes she'll say yes, because if she doesn't, he might break. He likes her, he really does, but she thinks he's still messing around.
(James Potter has had it with this game)
That step that started it all is cold and hard underneath him. He can't help thinking it's cold and hard just like her. She gets a little meaner every time, he thinks. She comes up with more words to say, more ways to shatter him.
He doesn't just like her, he loves her now. He's in love with her, more so than he ever thought himself capable of. He wishes he could be like the other boys, date different girls every other months and just have fun. He dates, of course, but every time he holds a girl's hand, every time he kisses someone, he automatically thinks about what it would be like if it was her, and it never lasts long.
(James Potter has had it with failed relationships)
It's earned him a reputation as a player, a bad boy, but they don't understand why. They don't understand how painful it is for him. Still, he strives under that image, because it makes him feel stronger than he is. A false image as a bad boy is better than his very real reality as a love struck train wreck, he thinks.
(James Potter has had it with being a love struck train wreck)
He wonders about her a lot. About her laugh... what if she laughed at his jokes? About her smile... what if she smiled for him? He wonders about everything. That wonder that comes with thinking of her motivates him to ask again, and of course she shouts back horrible words every time.
(James Potter has had it with wondering and horrible words)
She never stays long enough to see him crumble. Never looks him in the eye when she responds. He thinks, maybe, if she could see how much she really breaks him, how much she tortures him, she might be a little kinder. Its a weak hope, he knows it, because she hates him, but he likes hanging on to it for the same reason he keeps going back.
(James Potter has had it with Lily's cruel, ignorant responses)
He's enchanted by her. He loves the way she doesn't wear layers of makeup, how she leaves her hair up even when all the other girls spend hours making theirs look just right. He loves that she doesn't wear her skirt too short or her shirt too low- there's something intriguing about it, how he can see everything the other girls have to offer, but she keeps him wondering. He likes that she doesn't laugh at every joke he tells, or stare in awe every time he does something impressive. It makes him want to try harder, to be better. He likes that she calls him out on his mistakes. It makes him want to fix them. He loves that she says what's on her mind, how she sticks up for herself, her friends and even people she doesn't know. He loves their arguments, because it challenges and engages him in a way nothing else can. Its the only way he can get to know her better, the only way she talks to him, feeds his addiction. Everything about her fascinates him, draws him in.
(James Potter has had it with this fascination)
Even when she shreds him into little pieces, then shreds him again just when he's finished putting them back together, he wants more of her. Even when they're glaring daggers at him, he can't help but stare in awe at her emerald eyes, how they can go from humour to rage in the time between blinks. Even when its shouting ruthless words at him, he can't help thinking about what it would be like to kiss that mouth. Even when she's breaking his heart, he can't help wanting to try harder to get her's.
(James Potter has had it with being a masochist)
He's seeker in a game of Quidditch and she's the snitch. It won't stop until he's caught her, but he fears he never will. He'll be prisnor to this torturous game forever.
(James Potter has had it with this game)
She thinks it's still a game to him. She thinks he doesn't care, he just wants the satisfaction of capturing the only girl to ever say no. She thinks he just enjoys making her mad. Doesn't she realize what she does to him? She makes him stay up all night thinking about hows and whys and what ifs. She makes him lose the ability to coherent thought when she's around. She makes him wish they had never met, but at the same time, she makes him so glad they did.
(James Potter has had it with these headaches)
She doesn't realize, though, and it's frustrating. But then again, everything about her is. He hates that he can't come up with the right words around her, how his own anger and pain makes him spit out words that only fuel her's. He says things that hurt her, and he regrets them the second he says them, but he wants her to feel a little of what he feels. And that only makes her hurt him worse.
(James Potter has had it with being frustrated)
She doesn't know what every careless "Go out with me, Evans?" puts him through. She doesn't know how very not careless it is. She doesn't know how much courage he builds up, how much heart mending he does before he asks. She doesn't know he goes through this very thought process every time, after the initial pain of every rejection has died down enough to think straight. She doesn't know how much every word she says to him affects him, cuts him to the bone, becomes a new insecurity unknown to everyone else.
(James Potter has had it with rebuilding what she breaks)
James Potter has had it with Lily Evans.
He's had it with her rude words. He's had it with her unwillingness to see he's not the same obnoxious fifteen year old he once was. He's had it with her blindness to what she does. He's had it with her ignorance to what he feels. He's had it with her cruelty. He's had it with her arrogance. He's had it with her hypocrisy. He's had it with being treated like scum. He's had it with being a prisnor to her spell. He's just had it.
He doesn't have enough patience left to deal with her, up on her high horse, always thinking she's too good for him. How dare she call him arrogant and cruel, when she's the very epitome of those words?
This is where he puts down his paint and stops filling in her greys. This is where he forfeits the match and lets the snitch go. Because he doesn't have enough heart left to break and he doesn't have enough emotion left to feel.
He's thought all this before, he knows he has. But this time- this time he means it. He's had it. He's done.
So when Lily Evans chooses the very moment he makes this resolve to take a seat next to him on that stupid, cold, hard step, he doesn't even turn to look at her. He knows she's bewildered, and that only makes him angrier. Who does she think she is, expecting his attention and affections like that, when she treats him like some emotionless punching bag?
(He's had it with her expectations)
"Will you go out with me, James?" She asks after he doesn't make to fill in the silence, cutting right to the chase, not bothering with petty conversations (another thing he loves about her- but James Potter has had it with loving the things she does, too).
He very nearly crumbles and breaks, he very nearly turns and kisses those lips he's wondered about for so long. But he doesn't. Who does she think she is, breaking him into a million pieces and then asking him the very question that's caused him years of constant hurt?
"Not in a million years, Evans."
He takes vindictive pleasure in the shocked, absolutely broken expression on her face as he walks away. Part of him breaks with the heart he sees breaking in her eyes, but part of him remembers every time she didn't stick around to see his break.
Now its her turn to feel what he felt.
As he walks away, Lily Evans finally realizes everything he's prayed she would realize for years. But she's realized it a few minutes too late.
Because James Potter has had it.
Because James Potter has heard those words -"Not in a million years, Potter."- a few too many times.
Because James Potter has finally let his snitch go.
A/N: So, what did you think? Alright for a first time? Absolutely terrible? Leave me a review. :)
P.S. You should know that I am a hardcore Lily/James shipper. This is just one bit in their relationship, and it IS canon. Part 2 coming soon because a surprising amount of people asked! ;)