Ganon's Dilemma
A/N Just something I thought up a while ago. Kinda random, not really set in any of the games. Just don't think too hard about it.
Prologue
Ganon never quite got it, but the way he understood it was that his only purpose in life was to kidnap Zelda. Well, he may have argued with everything else, but he loved kidnapping princesses. They all reacted differently; some would cry pitifully, some would spit in his face, but he was getting very tired of Zelda's reaction. Did she cry? No. Did she get angry? Never in his memory. Did she even seem the least perturbed that she had been kidnapped by an evil overlord? Never. All she did was sit down and wait for her hero to come save her.
He would have liked to say that she waited a long time, staring listlessly out of the window. The truth of the matter was that every time he kidnapped her, that stupid shrimp came charging in, effortlessly knocking out all of Ganon's many defenses, and then made off with the princess. And to add insult to injury, the little prick would always come by latter, massacring forces prepared for this second visit. Somehow, he would always find his way to Ganon's secret hideaway. Then, he would sit down and lecture him. The nerve!
But this time, Ganon swore, it's going to be different.
Chapter 1
Same Place, New Look
Ganon nodded approvingly at the scene before him. There was absolutely NO WAY Link was going to find his way through this new Forest Temple. Ferocious beasts guarded every door, even the ones that weren't really doors, but triggers for explosives rigged throughout the temple. Each of the chests that had contained the keys for the doors was empty now, their respective keys buried underneath the ground. All of the bridges had been destroyed, all helpful monkeys removed; in short, there was absolutely no way Link could get in there. All that was left was to kidnap the princess, think up some devious reason for doing so, and send the punk a ransom note. Although Ganon didn't know why he bothered with the note; it wasn't like the hero wouldn't find out soon enough.
Kidnapping the princess was routine. Break into the palace, make the usual threat (your maidservant or your life), and it was all ready.
Except for one problem. He couldn't figure out how to get the princess into her new prison. He had forgotten to leave a back door. It was a real head-scratcher. Zelda didn't help either, she just sat down primly on a nearby log.
Sighing, Ganon began the arduous process of undoing all of the traps and defenses leading to the boss room. Then, he had to redo them all behind him. It took a few hours, but the end result was that Zelda was locked up in a cage hanging from the ceiling of the boss room. With a feeling of pride, Ganon happily closeted himself in his nearby mancave. He leaned back in his favorite chair, smiling to himself. Now, maybe he could get a day off.
"Hey Ganon." Ganon swore explosively as he woke up. There he was, that little green punk, sitting arrogantly in his second-favorite chair.
"How did you get in here?"
"You left the door unlocked." As if it was obvious.
"No, not in here, in here. In this temple, how did you get through it."
"I walked, and in some places jumped."
Ganon groaned. Why did it always work out like this? "What about all the monsters? All my moblins just let you through?"
Link scratched his head. "Oh that's a long story…" And so he told it.
Link stepped into the remodeled Forest Temple, ignoring the many signs that read THE PRINCESS IS NOT HERE, and THE PRINCESS HAS DUMPED YOU. It was all kind of obvious.
"Freeze!" Ooh, that was a bit of a jiffy. Ganon wasn't fooling around this time. Forty flaming arrows were aimed at him, and he was surrounded by a big group of moblins with spiked clubs.
Sighing, he decided to take a different tactic. Sitting down at a table conveniently left there, he pulled out a deck of cards. "You guys like poker?"
"You should really devote more time to teaching your moblins to bluff. Three hands into the game and every moblins in that room was clean out of cash. Really, it was quite pathetic…"
"But the lizalfos! I breed those things to kill mercilessly; there's no way you could have gotten through that!"
"Ah, the lizalfos…"
"DIE FOOLISH HUMAN!" The reptilian warrior screamed as it charged at Link. Link cocked his head.
"Don't you ever want anything more from life?" The lizalfos stopped in its tracks, eying Link curiously. "I mean, Ganon can't give you very good benefits."
"Die…" It lifted its axe half-heartedly.
"Are you earning a fair wage? Do you get regular, paid vacations?"
"But that explains nothing; centuries of evolution…"
"Wasted. I believe that they're forming a union right now. As they should be."
Ganon groaned. "But the traps?"
"Traps? Oh, those traps…
Link sighed, looking at the door in front of him. The fearsome Lizalfos guarding it had joined its fellows as they began to write their statement on the unfair conditions. This door was a little weird; a bunch of wires ran out between the cracks. Cautiously, Link pushed on it, opening the door. Somewhere in the distance an explosion sounded. Link shook his head, staring at the blank wall behind the door.
"Not one of them had a bomb rigged to blow me up."
"What about the keys? How did you find them?"
"Well in that case, the moblins were more than helpful when I threatened to call in the debts they had racked up during our poker game."
"Good work boys. Just a few more of these and I might be inclined to forget a few hundred more rupees." The moblins nodded eagerly. Anything to avoid losing more money. Moblins are very protective of money, especially money that they don't have.
"But the boss key, I brought that in here with me."
"Yeah, and that's where you messed up, not that it would have made a difference if you hadn't."
"What do you mean."
Link's eyes twinkled. "You really need to figure out how to make boss rooms that can be locked from the inside. The door was wide open for me."
"But Diaba, I mutated him beyond all measures. He's a ravenous parasite; he would have killed you on sight."
Link shook his head. "Funny story about that…"
His sword drawn, Link walked into the room to find a very depressed creature. He sheathed his sword and approached the parasite.
"What's up buddy?"
"I wanna sue for malpractice…" Diaba groaned tragically. "These back implants are killing me, and there's not a single chiropractor anywhere near."
"Tell me about it."
And Diaba did.
"I think he's still whining about it right now. Back pain sucks, I feel bad for the guy."
"The princess?" Ganon was close to tears now.
"You probably should have taken down the ladder that led to her cage."
And then Link got up and left.
A/N Honestly, probably some of my best writing yet. I'm pretty proud of it. Hope you like it to.
Next: Ganon's been preparing. The Lizalfos Union is satisfied with its benefits, the moblins are all equipped with aces hidden up their sleeves, and Ganon has plenty of chiropractors on hand. Absolutely nothing could go wrong…