Chapter 1, Chocolate

Every single year it was the same. Stores would start gracing their windows, doors, and interiors with lovely pink and red foil hearts not two weeks into January, and residents of South Park would be murmuring amongst themselves about the event wherever you went. Eric Cartman would be sulking in his room.

Valentine's Day was Cartman's least favorite holiday for a number of various reasons, the most predominant being that he never had a valentine. While nearly everyone else in town had a significant other to drown in sickening affection on this insufferable holiday, he was always left alone. It was as if he were on the outside looking in from behind a stained glass.

Hunched over on his bed, the chubby young male huffed and crossed his arms, staring up at a Mel Gibson poster that hung on his wall. "What would you do if you were a little boy so awesome you couldn't get a date because all the other kids couldn't handle you, Mel Gibson?"

Of course, there was no reply. Light streaming through Cartman's window glared off the poster's slick material. Cartman scowled as his gaze dropped. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. Suddenly, he paused, and a realization hit him. There was more to Valentine's Day than just love, right? Valentine's Day was also about chocolate. Tradtitionally, of course, lovers would buy chocolate for one another as a symbol of affection, but Cartman saw no reason he couldn't just go out and buy chocolate for himself as a symbol of self-indulgence.

His scowl having been exchanged for a slight smirk, Cartman got dressed, found a few dollars for chocolate money, and walked downstairs. "Mom! I'm goin' out!" he yelled as he grabbed his blue and yellow knit toboggan on his way out.

It was a fair distance to walk to the convenience store. Not really very convenient, Cartman thought to himself with some contempt. By the time the heavyset boy reached the store, he was panting heavily and ready to sink to the sidewalk then and there. He settled for leaning against the wall at first. Once he had caught his breath, he entered the store, bells ringing as the door swang.

It was clear that the Valentine's Day spirit was running rampant there. Streamers hung from the ceiling and shiny, heart-shaped balloons were everywhere. Cartman cringed and made a beeline for the candy section, where he proceeded to hoard different kinds of chocolate bars. Once he had gotten all he needed-or all he thought he needed-he headed to the check-out.

As he walked out of the store, Cartman bit a large chunk out of one of his chocolate bars and began walking back down the street. It wasn't long before he spied someone he knew. Kenny. The smaller boy in the orange parka was sitting slouched on a bench, watching things happening around him. Cartman felt it was safe to assume he was mostly just watching the ladies walking past him.

Sitting down next to Kenny, Cartman ate the last bit of his first chocolate bar in one enormous bite. "Sup Ken?"

Kenny glanced at Cartman and smiled a little underneath his hood. Cartman's lips and the area around them were coated in chocolate. It was cute; as if he were a small child. "(Hey Cartman!)"

"Yeah, I totally just bought like a dozen chocolate bars at the store right over there," Cartman said in a slightly smug tone as he jerked his head in the direction of the store. "No big deal."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Kenny huffed and looked away. It was just like Cartman to brag about being able to buy a dozen chocolates and just sit there and eat them in front of him.

As he ate his second chocolate bar, Cartman made no efforts to be subtle about it. He was messy, and made unneccessary noises. "Mm," he hummed, tossing the wrapper into the road. "That is some good chocolate."

Kenny just rolled his eyes.

Cartman frowned a little. Was he being ignored? Cartman couldn't stand being ignored. He poked Kenny. "Hay Keeenny?" When that didn't work, he frowned more and poked him again. Having a burst of generousity all of a sudden and feeling kind of bad for upsetting his friend, he inquired, "Kenny, you want some chocolate?"

Kenny turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow before taking off his hood. "Yeah I want some chocolate. Gimme some."

Cartman handed him a chocolate bar and sat back, watching him eat it for a few moments. "You know," he commented. "Usually people in relationships give each other chocolate on Valentine's Day..."

"Yeah," acknowledged Kenny. "Too bad I don't got anybody to give me chocolates on Valentine's. Well, except you I guess since you just gave me one."

"But we're not in a relationship, dude."

Kenny paused eating his chocolate and looked back over at Cartman again, grinning a little. "We can change that if you like," he suggested in a flirty tone.

Immediately, Cartman flustered, his face lighting up. "Y-You douchebag, that'd be gay. You only want me for my chocolate."

Finishing his own chocolate, Kenny sat the wrapper down and moved in a little closer to Cartman. "I'm bisexual, you know," he told him, hot breath tickling Cartman's ear. "No, not just for your chocolate... I bet you'd be great to cuddle with," he said, sliding his arm around the other boy's shoulders and giving a small squeeze. "You're soft."

Cartman spluttered, his face now a darker red than his jacket. He wasn't use to this kind of physical contact and he didn't know whether he liked it or not. Also, he hated to admit it to himself, but Kenny was pretty hot. "That's- sthplth- I'm not soft-!" It was a pretty weak defense, so he threw in a "Fuck you!" for good measure.

"Come on Cartman, you like me, dontcha?" said Kenny with a grin, leaning in just enough so his lips were just inches away from Cartman's. "You want me, admit it."

Going crosseyed for a moment, Cartman blinked and frowned. "Ye- Nu- I don-" he sighed. "...Ok..."

Kenny's grin widened and he snatched up the opportunity to capture Cartman's lips in a kiss, licking what chocolate was left off of them before pulling away and getting up off the bench. He dusted himself off and glanced behind him at the completely red, wide-eyed Cartman. "Happy Valentine's Day, Cartman," he said with a smirk before putting his hood back on and walking off down the street.