He hated her. She wasn't surprised; if she was him she would hate her too. She should have never come back to Tree Hill. She tried to lie to herself, tried to make herself believe she wasn't coming back for Lucas, but she was. God she needed him, she loved him. It was a pure love, a real love and it was nothing but trouble. She didn't want it anymore. She would have done with it in a second if she could, but it wasn't a choice. And now not only was her love not returned, but he hated her. Peyton stood up and dusted the chalk off her jeans. She wanted to give him one last goodbye and had spent all night covering the river court in this mural. She needed him to know that no matter what, she would always love him. She picked up her chalk and put it all in a bag in the back of her car. She needed to get rid of this car when she got back to L.A. She needed a new life, she needed to start new, and she needed to be rid of this damn car. It was more trouble than it was worth. She smiled as she remembered when she had sent it to Keith's to have it repaired, and Lucas got a hold of her artwork. She never really believed in herself back then. She was always forcing herself into situations that just weren't hers, like cheerleading, and she forgot what it was that she really was good at. Lucas made her step back and look one more time at who she really was, not who she was pretending to be. She wouldn't be where she was now if it wasn't for him. But he had turned his back on her when she started to pursue her dream. He had ambushed her in LA with a proposal, and when she tried to make him understand that she wanted to, but needed to get a leg up in her career, he had left her, she just wished she could leave him.
She needed to make peace with herself, and reduce this pain in her heart to a dull throb, like an ache you just learn to live with, and the only way she was going to do that was leaving Tree Hill, for good this time.
She started her car and began driving towards her office. She had been packing all day, with Brooke's help, and everything was packed and ready to go, but she had forgotten some things in her desk. Her and Brooke were going to L.A. early in the morning so Brooke could make it on time for a meeting with some Macy's executives, so she needed to get them now. Peyton and Brooke would then spend some weeks together before Brooke headed back to Tree Hill, and Peyton restarted another L.A. life.
She parked her car in the lot, and slowly got out. It was nearing on 10:00, and she should really hurry. She needed to get some sleep before their flight.
He came to the court to shoot some hoops and clear his head, and then he saw what she had written on the court.
He couldn't believe she had done this. Lucas had to sit down, he was feeling a bit dizzy. The past few days had been such a blur for him. He had told Peyton that he hated her. He meant it. There was this fire in his veins every time he thought about her, and what made it worse was he couldn't stop thinking about her. Ever. When he said "I do" at the altar with Lindsey, he had meant it. He loved Lindsey because she was easier than Peyton to love, but he was also doing it because he wanted to prove to himself, and to Peyton, that he could be just fine without her. But the truth was he couldn't. Lindsey saw it, Haley saw it, he knew it, but he didn't want to admit it. When he saw the drawing on the court, he didn't know how to react. He wanted Peyton to be angry. He wanted her to yell at him, to say she hated him too. He wanted her to be mad at him, to say something that he could really hate her for just to make it easier. Instead silence. He heard nothing from her, and as each day went by he missed her more and more. He wanted to see her, wanted to hold her, wanted to reach his hand up and brush his fingers across her cheek. He wanted her to know how much he hurt for her, how hard it was for him to even draw a breath when she was in the same room and he hated her for it.
He only wished he had thought of telling the truth first. Instead of saying he hated her, why couldn't he have told her how he really felt. How much he loved her. How much he needed her. Pride? She had snubbed him. She had said no to him. He couldn't keep letting her play with his heart, it just hurt too much. He put his head in his hands and he, Lucas Scott, cried.
--
Peyton balanced a few empty boxes in her arms as she made her way up the narrow stairs to her office. She unlocked the door and stepped inside. She flipped on the light with one hand, and kicked the door shut behind her. She looked lovingly at her office. She loved it here, and really she didn't want to leave. She wanted to see Lucas one more time, she wanted to stay in Tree Hill. But she couldn't. She had screwed up by even coming to Tree Hill in the first place. She should have never talked to Lucas, or at the very least been distant with him when she did come back. Or she should have run after him when she woke up in the hotel room that morning after he had proposed to her, and he was gone. There was so much she should have just done differently. She felt a sob rising in her throat, anger and regret flooded her body. She threw the boxes at her desk in exasperation and fell to her knees. How was she ever going to get through this?
--
Lucas ran his hand through his hair and collected himself. He didn't have to do this. She loved him, and he knew that he loved her. But she had said no to him before. She hadn't even come to his book signing. She had shied away from him until she met Lindsey. Kind of like when she snubbed him, until he started dating Brooke. What was this thing they had between them?
Peyton pushed her hair back from her eyes and took a deep breath. She had to compose herself. She closed her eyes, straightened her back and took a deep breath.
"Well well, looks like I caught you at a good time bitch." That raspy voice was so familiar. Peyton didn't want to turn around. She had done this before, she didn't want to go through this again.
"Jason" she whispered.
"Yes indeed. Jason. Jason the rock god YOU failed. I took a chance on you and your stupid record label, and what do I get? You steal my keyboardist and song writer, make her famous, and I get left in the lurch. Not that we aren't doing perfectly fine without her, but that was NOT the deal. That was not what I signed up for."
Peyton started to rise, but before she could make it up her head was pulled back. Jason had grabbed her hair and was forcing her to her feet. She screamed in pain, and tried to elbow him in the stomach, but he grabbed her chin and smashed her face onto the surface of her desk. He turned her around and brought his face next to hers. "You didn't think you were going to actually get away with fucking me over did you? Now it's my turn"
Lucas dialed Peyton's number.
"Hi this is Peyton, I'm not at the phone right now, leave me a message!"
He wasn't going to say what he had to say to an answering machine. He hung up. Almost as soon as he did his phone started ringing again, it was Brooke.
"Hey Brooke"
"Lucas, I can't find Peyton. I'm so sorry I called you, but I didn't know who else to talk to. The Police said I had to wait . . ."
He cut her short "Brooke, slow down. What do you mean you can't find Peyton?"
"I've been calling her all evening. We have a flight early tomorrow. She said she would be home by 11 at least. It's almost two in the morning Lucas, this isn't like her, and I'm really worried."
"Have you called the office?"
"Only 100 times. I drove by earlier and there was no one there. I don't know what she's been doing"
She had probably been working on her little tribute to him when Brooke drove by the office. He had been on the court for almost three hours thinking to himself. So if he had come just as she'd finished, then she would have been missing for three hours. But where was she going in the morning?
"Brooke, what do you mean you guys have a flight in the morning."
"She didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"She's moving back to L.A. She said you knew. She's been kind of quiet for the last three days, then yesterday she said she was going to move back to L.A. and she'd come with me when I went to my Macy's meeting. I thought you knew, I figured you two had talked and that's why she had decided to leave."
"Brooke, I did something stupid."
Brooke was silent on the other end.
"Brooke, I told her I hated her."
Nothing.
"I wanted to hurt her Brooke. I wanted to hurt her because I was hurting. And I was drunk."
Nothing.
"Brooke, I just, I don't know. Brooke, I'm still in love with her."
"Yeah jerk, we all knew that. What took you so damn long?"
"I don't know. I just, Lindsey, and I wanted to be ok without Peyton, I just didn't want to keep hurting because of her, I wanted to let it all go."
"So you just found the best way to hurt her instead. I can't believe you told her you hate her. That explains how she's been acting these past few days. Yesterday I saw her running a whole string of red lights in front of the store. I didn't know what to think. It's almost as bad as when her mom, well moms, died."
Lucas remembered when Peyton was bitter about her mother dying in a car accident because she ran a red light. He caught her running as many red lights as she could, not understanding why she could run so many, and nothing would happen to her, but one red light and her mom was dead. He had sat with her through one of those excursions, trying to get her to slow down. Her face was so calm, so calculated. He had loved her then as much as he did now, and he hated to know that this time, he was the cause of her pain.
" I was drunk."
"That's not an excuse."
This time it was Luc's turn to be silent.
"Let's just find her Lucas. I want to go check her office again."
"I'm already by there, I'll go. I'll call you when I get there."
Brooke hung up, and Lucas got back into his car and started driving towards Peyton's office.
Jason brought turned Peyton around and jammed his knee into her stomach. She fell in a heap to the floor, unable to breath, making guttural sounds, trying to scream. He kicked her, aiming again for the stomach, and she tried to grab his leg, but he just kicked her away.
"Get up bitch, I'm not through with you."
He pulled her up again by her hair and brought his face close to hers. The smell of beer was seeping from every poor, and saturated his breath. His clothes smelt like cigarettes.
"That was supposed to be ME with an album you fucking back stabber!"
He kneed her again and she clutched her stomach. She was sobbing uncontrollably. One part of her wanted to fight back. She could get to her desk. She had a knife in her top desk drawer. She could easily get to it. Another part of her just didn't care. Just wanted to fall to the floor and let it be. It would be an easy end to everything. But she didn't want to give him the satisfaction. He pulled her up by her hair again, but this time she was ready. She pushed her thumbs into his eye sockets. As he clawed at her hands he had to let go of her hair, and she ran and made a leap to the desk, crawling over the top to get to the desk drawer. She got it open but too late. He grabbed her by her leg and pulled her to the floor. She grabbed a pen as she felt herself being pulled back, and stabbed him in the arm. He screamed but didn't let go of her. She blacked out for a moment as her head hit the floor. He kicked her again, this time on her side, and she screamed. He pulled out the pen that was lodged in his arm, and kicked her again.
Lucas pulled into the parking lot. Her car was there! He breathed a sigh of relief. She was probably just working late, or had fallen asleep on her desk. He picked up his phone and called Brooke.
"Lucas?"
"Hey Brooke, I'm at the office, she's here. Her car's in the lot, and the lights are on upstairs. I'm going up."
"Be gentle with her Luc. She really loves you."
" I love her too. Brooke, I'm going to tell her. Maybe we can take it slow, let things kind of bring themselves back together."
"Sounds good. And talk to her about L.A. I wish she'd stay here. It's been good for her. Of course other than the you and her thing. You too were always so weird."
"Yeah, well."
" Anyways, have her call me. I was so worried."
"I will."
He closed his phone, got out of his car. He was nervous, but at the same time kind of relieved that he was finally going to tell her. How would she react? He used the button on his keys to lock it, and when he did it gave out two shrill beeps that penetrated the silent night air.
"Now how do you feel? Wish you'd have just shut up and done what I'd asked like a good girl, don't you?" Jason's face was scarlet from all the effort he was exerting hurting Peyton, taking out his frustrations and failures as an artist and a person, on her.
Peyton didn't answer. "I said don't you!" Jason screamed. He was crouched down on the floor beside her, and he gave and emphasizing slap on her face, to accentuate his 'don't you,' and to elicit the obvious answer.
"Fuck you," Peyton managed to whisper. Her head was spinning. She was sure she was going to black out again soon. Her whole body hurt. It felt like one of her ribs was broken when he kicked her in the side. On hearing her defiance Jason let out a blood curling scream, pulled Peyton up to her knees and punched her in the face. She fell again, indifferent to the next reign of assaults he dealt her. He stood over her for a minute in silence, catching his breath. In that moment, they both heard the beep of a car door locking. Peyton barely registered the sound. It was strangely familiar, but she was barely hanging onto what consciousness she had, and wasn't in the state of mind for that train of thought. Jason was acutely aware of what it meant though, and looked out the window. He saw someone making their way towards the office. He took a look at Peyton and considered his options. He was at least sober enough to know not everyone might share his sense of justice.
"This isn't over," he said calmly then made his way hastily out of the room.
Lucas made his way to the stairs leading up to Peyton's office. He got up the first two before he noticed someone was running down the stairs. He didn't get a good look at his face, though he looked slightly familiar. He pushed Lucas out of the way and onto the floor as he ran off out of the parking lot, into the street. Lucas picked himself up, at first not understanding what that could have meant, but then a sudden terror seized him and he ran up the stairs two at a time. He didn't know how to react when he made it to the top, peered into the office, and saw Peyton there on the floor, trying to get up, trying to cry and scream at the same time, but unable to do any of those things. Lucas made his way to her. There was blood on her face, and on the floor next to her. She was bleeding from a cut on her head and wounds on her side. He tried to pick her up, but when she saw him she pushed him away. "Get away, leave me alone" she whispered "I don't need your pity."
"Peyton. . . Peyton what ha . . . " He realized the futility of his words " Peyton, I love you, Peyton, I've got you." He held onto her. She tried pulling away, getting up. She didn't want him to keep rescuing her. She couldn't rely on him anymore. "Stop saving me" she managed to whisper. She was too weak, dizzy, her body went limp and she went unconscious. Lucas, still holding her, grabbed her cell phone from the floor next to her, and dialed 911.
Brooke was crying onto Haley's shoulder. Haley held Brooke tight, holding back her own tears. They sat in the waiting room along with Nathan, Mouth and Skills, just having heard from the doctor that Peyton might not make it through the night.
"She hit her head one too many times. I just don't know. Tonight is up to her. If she can make it through tonight then she'll be just fine. We'll monitor her closely. You should all go home and get some sleep. We'll contact you if there are any changes."
He'd looked at Brooke when he said all this, unable to face all of Peyton's friends with the news he wish he didn't have to give. This girl had broken two ribs on her right side and was bleeding internally. Her spleen had been ruptured, she had a skull fracture and worst of all, it seemed like she didn't care what happened to her. If she could just make it through the night, she would be fine. She had been fluttering in and out of consciousness at first, and he tried to get her to focus on something, so say something, to keep her awake, but she just seemed indifferent. She had
muttered several names in between hallucinations. One of them was "Jason" whom Peyton's friend Haley had recognized as a potential suspect, and notified the police. He had given Peyton a dose of something to help her sleep, and some morphine to abate the pain. She just needed to make it through tonight. Tonight the worst would be over.
So dizzy, hurt like hell. Jason, Jason. It was Jason. Needed to get up. Just get up. Scream, someone could hear, help. Side hurts so much. Move, move, get up, phone. Hands, someone calling her name, Lucas. He hated her. Move, can't, anyone else, not him not him not him please not him, not like this . . .
Lucas had ridden in the ambulance with Peyton, holding her hand the whole way, and now sat in her bed next to her. He couldn't believe this would happen to her. And this time he wasn't there. She was all alone. If he had just been honest with himself, they would be alright. Hell, he could have waited for her, they'd be married by now. She would be ok. She wouldn't have been out in the middle of the night.
Brooke came into the room, "Lucas, I'll sit with her tonight. You go home and get some rest."
"I can't Brooke. If you don't mind, I'd like to stay with her tonight."
Brooke looked at Lucas sympathetically. "Lucas, this is in no way anyone's fault. We'll find whoever did this, and he will go to jail. Just like" the words got caught in her throat and she whispered "just like last time." She couldn't bring herself to say Psycho Derek. It seemed almost comical to refer to him like that, and she didn't feel the slight bit funny right now. Her best friend was lying unconscious on a hospital bed. Plus, it would bring back memories she couldn't bear just now.
"Yeah, I keep telling myself that Brooke. But I just can't help thinking what if . . ."
"No what if's Lucas. This is right now, we can't live off what if's. The whole point is that they didn't happen. This asshole would have gotten to Peyton one way or another. If you're to blame, so is each and every one of her friends for not being there. Go home Luc. Get some sleep. Come back early."
Lucas was silent for a moment.
"I can't leave Brooke. I just, can't. You go home, and come back in the morning. I'll go take a shower and stuff then."
Brooke nodded. She knew how he felt, and she didn't want to push him. She quietly left the room and headed home.
Lucas held Peyton's hand to his forehead. "I'm so sorry." He whispered to her. "So, so sorry. I should have never lied to you, I should have waited for you. I should have been strong for you. Lindsey was so easy, so easy to love. I wanted to hurt you. It was childish, stupid, Peyton, for me to push you away. I knew I couldn't. When you came back to Tree Hill, it was fate. I was so happy you had come back. I couldn't wait to see you. Every time I saw you my breath got caught in my throat, I wanted so bad to just hold you. To just hold on and never let go. I should have been honest with myself and with you from the beginning. I love you Peyton Sawyer. I love you. I can't live without you, please Peyton. Please. Just hold on, and I'll make it up to you, I promise."
She could hear a voice. His voice. He hated her. What was she doing. He hated her. She loved him. A voice. He hated her. Pain. Open eyes, open them. Where am I. Ambulance. He hated her. He was sitting next to her. Holding her hand. Stretcher. Like on TV. He hated her, but he was right there. Right there next to her. Holding her hand. Doctor over her. White coat. White coat. Saying something. Just need to rest. Just a bit. He was there holding her hand. Brooke. Sleep. Was he saying something. He loved her. Please Peyton. Please. Hold on. So tired.
Brooke sat on her couch sipping at a glass of wine. How the hell did it all come to this? They were so happy. Peyton was hurting, but her label was doing so well. She was putting the pieces back together. She didn't want her to move to L.A. but she understood. Her and that curly blonde had gone through so much together. Granted they'd put each other through so much, but she knew she could count on her. She wanted so bad to be in the hospital with her. To hold her hand and just see her. But she understood Lucas NEEDED it. Everyone knew he loved Peyton, the two were cursed forever. They were doomed to each other. Why couldn't he see it?
She saw it. Very early on. And she let go of him. He had been her first love. It wasn't just sex when it was with Lucas and ever since then she'd just been looking for another Lucas, but it never seemed to work out.
Brooke took another sip of her wine. She just wanted Peyton to be ok. Please dear god, let Peyton be ok.
Lucas woke with a start. The bright light of the digital clock beside Peyton's bed shined on his face. 4:13 am.
Lucas stretched his arms up, yawned and looked at Peyton. She was still sleeping. He brushed a strand of hair away from her face. He put his head in his hands and fell back asleep.
Hold on, hold on hold on holdonholdonholdon.
Peyton was not a quitter. Never. She'd done it too many times. She'd played the unable, the weak. She was never going there again. She wasn't going to give Jason that satisfaction. She had her label even if she didn't have Lucas. She had Brooke. She was going to be an aunt when Brooke got her baby. She had Haley's new album to look forward to. She had whispers of her father. She was going to meet Jake in L.A. to possibly work on an album with him too. She hadn't heard from him in ages, and all of a sudden he was inquiring about her label. Just hold on. She loved Lucas. She loved Lucas with every fiber of her being, and maybe she could live with that. She wouldn't be the only one who loved but wasn't loved back. She would bear her burden, she just hated that she had come back to Tree Hill. She just hated that he hated her.
And then Jason. She was going to have that bastard in jail if it was the last thing she ever did.
With that last thought she opened her eyes. Enough lazing about. She took a quick glance around the room. Oh god, Lucas was there. He was holding her hand, his head laying on the bed beside her. Her eyes started watering. God he was beautiful. But she didn't want him here. She didn't want him to pity her, to feel obligated to her. To feel like he had to take care of her. That's why he left her, and she knew it. She was too hard, too much to love. She didn't want to be a burden on him, since he so clearly hated her. She stifled her sobs as she slowly pulled her hand out from his. There was an IV in her other arm. She took it out, and removed the crap stuck all over her. All these wires. She needed to get up, she needed to be gone before he woke up. She couldn't talk to him, she couldn't face him right now, not until she got her bearings. She'd start crying in front of him. She remembered the last time she was this weak, in the library after the shooting, she'd kissed him. She hadn't meant to, and she didn't want to open that door again now. She was still silently crying as she pulled the last wire from her chest. But as soon as she'd removed it one of the machines she'd been attached to started beeping incessantly. She quickly put her hands over her ears, it was so loud. Lucas' head shot up, a startled look on his face, and nurses rushed in. When they saw she was relatively ok and certainly not dead, they turned off the heart monitor and attempted to lay her back down in bed. She tried to tell them she needed to get up, but her voice was hoarse. She was too weak to fight them, and so she just stared at the wall as they got her back into the bed. She couldn't bear to look at him. If she did she would never be able to leave.
"No getting out of bed dear. We're so glad you're awake. We'll get the doctor in here. We knew you'd pull through. I'm just happy for your boy over there. He's been crying over you all night." She winked at Peyton, and Peyton blushed. Most of the nurses had left, and there was only the one left, her gray hair tied in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. After she had checked and double checked all of Peyton's wires and tubes, she told Peyton to rest, letting her know the doctor would be in soon, and left the room. Peyton continued to stare at the wall opposite Lucas.
"Peyton. . ."
His voice made her start crying again. "Peyton, please listen to me. Peyton, I love you. Peyton, I love you, I don't hate you. I was so angry at you, and I realize how wrong I was. I should have just pulled through. Peyton I should have waited. I, Peyton, I don't know what to say other than I love you. I am so sorry, and I love you Peyton. I was so scared you weren't going to make it."
This was all really too much for him. He was so used to being angry. He didn't cry. It wasn't like him at all, but it also wasn't like him to tell Peyton he hated her.
Peyton wouldn't look at him, afraid she wouldn't be able to hold it together. He put his hand up and pulled her hair back behind her ear. He sat back, waiting for anything from her.
How could he do this to her. How could he say he hated her, then say he loved her! She couldn't take this anymore, her heart hurt so bad. When he put his hand up to pull her hair behind her ear she thought she would die. She waited a moment, unsure what to say, what to do. But she loved him too much. Even in this fleeting instant, she would take what she could get. She turned around slowly, the tears still in her eyes, and grabbed his hand. She squeezed it, and he kissed her forehead. Right now she didn't want to say anything. She didn't want to ruin this. They could take their time. She could yell later. But for right now, just right now, she wanted it to all be alright.