Title: 'No More Partying' or 'Why Dumbledore is Asexual?'
Author: dem bones
Genres: Parody/Comedy
Summary: If Harry's life isn't such a concern to be millying about in the books, then certainly there's no need for making Dumbledore's life much happier. As they say what comes around goes around and let's just say Dumbledore won't be partying anymore.
Disclaimer: I don't own HP.
A/N: One of my reactions to the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
"Can you at least knock on their door and inform them that you're leaving their nephew at their home that's what any reasonable muggle would do?" Minerva ranted.
"Minerva, we're not reasonable muggles. There is a reason why we left Harry on the Dursleys step."
"Why, hmm?" Minerva asked confronting Albus with her leading finger.
"Leaving an wizarding infant on a doorstep has been known to boost magical power by 95 percent."
Minerva looked at the headmaster as if he were barmy.
"Are you just going to leave that little baby alone on their doorstep in the middle of the night while you go out partying?"
"Yes."
"You're completely barmy."
"I know." Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.
"And you're completely 100 percent certain this isn't going to come back and bite you in the arse when Harry asks why you left him alone on the doorstep of the Dursley's place?"
"I'll inform him in a very subtle way that I needed to condition him to be the ultimate weapon as stated in a prophecy that I don't even believe made by a completely reliable diviner."
"You better hope you are raising some selfless anti-hero who is not at all concerned for his own well being."
"Why?"
"Because only a hero who isn't looking out for their own well-fare would completely ignore the fact that they are being treated so carelessly by an old man who's in charge of an entire school and the safety of it's students, to save the world."
"You make me sound like Mrs Norris."
"Mrs Norris who went so far as to use illegal instruments to punish some students in Slytherin during the first war? Old, crazy and completely barmy and Argus still has a fascination with that woman." Minerva said with disbelief.
"Heard from Healer Green that she isn't going to last for too much longer." Albus said sadly.
"We're getting off topic." Minerva said impatiently.
"If it concerns you so much Minerva, inform them yourself. Subtlely appeal to their sympathies and manipulate them the moment that they lower their guard." Albus explained.
"I don't need you to tell me how to be manipulative, you old coot. I might catch whatever bug that you're carrying."
"The Dursleys aren't so bad, Minerva. In any case there is no legal way any of us can take him in ourselves unless the Potters have given their consent for us to become legal guardians to the boy prior to their deaths." Dumbledore said.
"And they didn't do that why?" Minerva asked. "Feel free to remind me."
"The logical reason or the far-fetched reason."
"The logical reason."
"I'm either an evil villain withholding some will from the Potters that would allow someone else to become his guardian...that would explain why the Potters are some of the most ignorant people that we've met as I could have possibly been using a brain-washing potion causing them and everyone to mindlessly follow me even though I'm indirectly responsible for just abouteveryone's imminent demise so far." Dumbledore explained. "Or my brains so fried from smoking all that crack at all of those parties that we went to before I even thought of asking Hagrid to pick up Harry from his burnt up home in Godric's Hallow."
"Now the far-fetched." Minerva explained. "Come on, you know you can't resist."
"Our lives are part of one big series of books where ridiculous actions are the center drive into why the plots work. For example the Potters dying making Pettigrew a secret keeper even though the caster of the fidelis charm is automatically the default secret keeper." Dumbledore said pointing at himself.
Minerva looked at Dumbledore, meaningfully critical.
"Alright, and the fact that I left Harry at the Dursleys despite your better judgement but it's not like it's going to have serious reprecussions in the future. It's not like he's going to be so emotionally stunted that he has no trust in adult figures."
"I wouldn't trust you either, old man. Leaving a baby on the doormat of the Dursleys?" Minerva scolded the Headmaster.
"...and it's not like this lack of trust in adult figures is going to cause a death of someone close to him."
"Don't bet on it."
The moment Dumbledore left to party and get stoned like the crazy, insane friend that everyone doesn't want to hang with, Minerva knocked on the Dursley's door.
Petunia greeted Professor McGonagall at the door.
"What are you doing parading around the front yard so suspiciously?" She asked.
"I'm here to let you know that Dumbledore has sent me to deliver a message as tactfully as possible and be sure to issue your revenge tenfold." Minerva said. "Your sister and her husband have died and as default guardians after the Potters die you are in charge of taking care of your magical nephew who the headmaster was going to leave on your porch throughout the late hours of the night. Good bye and be informed that I've tried to get him sent to the Insanity Ward at St. Mungos but he is so crazy that the medi-wizards don't know what to do with him."
Partying throughout the late hours of the night, Dumbledore unexpectingly recieved a howler from one Petunia Dursley. How she recieved a howler, the headmaster had no way of knowing.
"ALBUS DUMBLEDORE,
YOU LEAVE ANY BABY ON MY PORCH THROUGHOUT THE LATE HOURS OF THE NIGHT EVER AGAIN THEN I'LL PERSONALLY BE SURE TO HAVE YOU REMOVED AS THE CURRENT RESIDING HEADMASTER OF THAT MAGICAL SCHOOL OF YOURS.
PETUNIA DURSLEY"
Dumbledore most certainly didn't leave any more orphaned babies from dangerous dark lords who believed prophecies that he secretly trusted to be true on questionable relative's doorsteps in the middle of the night while he was out partying with his friends...not after some women attending some of the parties had cast a couple of spells on him making him completely incapable of having children even from male pregnancy.
Certainly there was no more partying where Albus Dumbledore was concerned.
One day Dumbledore returned, Snape was lounging in his office.
"What happened to you?" Snape asked.
"You must absolutely never leave an orphaned baby on the doorstep of a muggles on the late hours of night."
"Why?"
Dumbledore was quiet.
"I was ambushed by a horde of angry women who then proceeded to cast a spell on me making me infertile."
Snape snickered.
"IT'S NOT FUNNY."