A/N: Oookay… Honestly, I have no idea where the idea for this fic came from. It happened not too long before midnight last night, and wouldn't leave me since. (grins sheepishly)
WARNINGS (because with this one, I'll just have to start there): graphic themes, abuse, language, characters doing nasty things… (winces) And weirdness – definitely weirdness.
SONG: 'Apologize' by One Republic ft Timbaland.
DISCLAIMER: (sniffs) Sadly enough, I don't own anything about Naruto OR the song used in this lil' one. (sighs) But oh, is it sweet to dream…
Oukey doukey, because I don't see any way to keep stalling further… (grins sheepishly) Let's get on with the story, shall we? I truly hope ya'll like this.
Apologize
/ I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say... /
A pair of extremely tired and disappointed, almost defeated eyes opened slowly as the worst attack of nausea finally subsided, leaving his stomach feel almost hollow. He sighed a little, emptying the little air there was in his lungs, and winced at how the silent breath shuddered.
He shouldn't have been surprised by feeling so horrible. It was already one in the afternoon and so far he'd only consumed half a package of cigarettes, a tiny, stubborn voice inside him noted. He should be taking better care of himself than this.
He felt like snorting at that.
Things couldn't go much lower from kneeling on the bathroom floor, barely able to move, right?
Shaking away that thought, he finally forced himself to move. For a moment he scowled as a wave of pain ravished him – going all the way from his groin to stomach to his face. For a moment he swayed, but managed to regain his balance by grabbing a nearly desperate hold on the sink.
It'd never been this bad before, he mused vaguely.
He closed his eyes, then opened them again. The reality he was living in didn't disappear.
It was almost pathetic, really, that it wasn't until now he managed to believe his friends, who'd been telling him to walk away since after the first bruise appeared – to walk away when there was still at least a tiny bit left of both their souls, before they'd both be destroyed. But he'd stayed, selfishly and stubbornly, refusing to admit defeat. He'd been blind and deaf to everyone, including himself, only hearing the whispered promises that things would change, that he was sorry.
Today, however, his eyes were finally wide open.
And now, as he faced his reflection – shuddering visibly at the visage he barely recognized – he finally understood that it was much too late for any apologies.
/ It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late /
The bedroom was eerily quiet as he sat on the bed the two of them used to share, staring at nothing in particular.
It'd taken only half an hour to get all his stuff packed up, and now… now, he couldn't help feeling empty, somehow. And although all his reason screamed against such a thought, he couldn't help wondering if he was giving up too easily.
His gaze strayed to the couple of pictures of them together placed to a nightstand – visible evidence of such happy times – and his eyes narrowed a little at the memories.
He had to admit that during the best of days, things had been really good; no one had ever made him feel as loved and needed as he. Things had never been easy with them, but during the best of times he'd felt happier than ever in his life, and it'd been easy to simply forget. Their love was always hot, and he would've done anything for him. And despite everything, he was fairly sure he felt the same.
They'd really, truly loved each other. But they'd never been good for each other.
Emitting a deep sigh, he hauled himself up. For a moment he played around with the thought of leaving a message, but then decided against it. There were no words in the world that would make him undertand.
Once more he looked around – carefully imprinting to his mind how the room he'd slept in for over three years looked and smelled like – then opened the door.
As soon as the door was opened, he was face to face with him.
/ I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid... /
They all but stared at each other for the longest time, as though not really understanding what was happening. Then, very slowly, his lips parted to let out words. "What… are you doing?"
He swallowed thickly, fighting the urge to take a step backwards. Of course he'd prepared himself for a situation like this, but… "I'm leaving." In the end it came simply, so easily that it surprised them both.
For a moment he stared at him with slightly widened, utterly disbelieving eyes, until something that looked like horror settled in. "What?" He'd never heard that much sadness before, and it almost made the will he'd managed to gather weaver.
He gave something between a growl and a sigh, lowering his head so that strands of hair fell to cover his eyes. "Do you honestly think that either one of us could live like this forever?" His eyes narrowed once again – against what, he didn't know. "I… I can't even breathe around you anymore. I refuse to live like this for the rest of my life."
The silence that hung above and around them was heavy, almost enough so to be suffocating. It wasn't the first time when they didn't know how to be around each other, but somehow this time was the worst.
Eventually he decided that enough was enough. Even one more second, one more breath of his scent, one more word, might break down the strength he'd worked so hard to gather.
Staying… would mean a slow, painful death, to both of them. He had to stop that.
Taking a deep breath and trying not to smell a thing, he took a firm step forth, never lifting his gaze to meet him. A strange sound he couldn't recognize erupted from him when realized that his path was blocked. "Just let me go already, will you?"
But of course he couldn't make things that easy. He shuddered when a cool, nearly desperate hand wrapped around his wrist, holding on as though to a lifeline. "I love you."
/ It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
"I love you."
His eyes narrowed even further while something far deeper than pain settled to his body. If only those words were still enough…
"Don't you think I fucking know that already?" He swallowed thickly. "This… would be so much easier if you didn't."
He truly hoped it wasn't tears he heard – it would've made things unbearable. It would've made everything feel even more wrong. "You love me, too." He felt how eyes observed him, but refused to meet them. "Right?"
He shook his head, a headache starting to settle in. "I don't have any idea how I feel anymore, least of all about you."
The silence between them was stiff and uncomfortable, filled with far too much meaning. Neither of them knew exactly where things were going.
"I'm sorry." It took a moment before he registered the whispered words, and even longer before he understood where they came from. "I… I'm so sorry, okay?" This time he was sure he heard a sob, maybe even several. "I don't want to hurt you – I never want to hurt you! But the Kyuubi…!"
He closed his eyes, feeling a surge that wasn't familiar to him flash by his whole body. "Just drop it, Naruto."
/ It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah- /
It was like the mention of Naruto's name had broken something. Seconds stood still as they remained silent, facts slowly sinking into them both.
It really was too late, wasn't it?
All of a sudden – far faster than he realized what was happening – he was hauled somewhat roughly against the wall. For one agonizingly long moment he was sure it'd be a fist that'd meet him, but instead he felt warm lips against his. They tasted like salt and coffee. (At around that moment he decided that he'd never have another cup of coffee in his life.)
The kiss didn't end until they were both exhausted and out of breath, trembling under something no one as proud as they would've been able to handle. Naruto's warm breath tickled his skin. "Sasuke, please…"
He pushed the other away rapidly, almost harshly. "I know you're sick. And…" He breathed out. "I'm not helping matters. And I'm also not going to keep paying the price any longer."
As gently as Naruto's hand brushed the bruise on his face, it still hurt. "Please…" It was nothing but a teary snivel. "Give me a chance to fix this."
This time he was bold enough to lift his gaze and meet those blue eyes he'd once fallen in love with, those that always lured him into coming back for more. And this time – although it hurt more than he'd anticipated – he was strong enough. "If… you ever really loved me… Then let me go." He didn't recognize his own voice, but at the moment that didn't matter. He fought to go on. "For both our sakes."
He had no idea how long Naruto tortured him with those blue eyes that gawked into his, filled with despair, tears and sadness. But in the end – slowly, with reluctance he felt – the blond's hold on his wrist broke and the man took a step to the side. For a moment the blond's lips parted, then closed, not finding the words.
He was relieved by that – he sure as hell didn't need any more words to make the situation even more difficult.
Their relationship had always been loud and vigour, in far more ways than one. That's why they were both surprised by the fact that they parted in utter silence, without any further drama. He didn't – couldn't – look over his shoulder while walking to the door that separated him from freedom.
He hoped dearly the 'I love you' he thought he heard when closing the door was nothing but a trick of his imagination. As the door closed, he worked his hardest to pretend that he didn't hear the cry of anguish that erupted through it.
Once he made it outside, Kakashi was waiting for him with a frown. "Are you alright?"
At the moment he was too exhausted to feel a thing, so his face remained blank. "Let's just go."
On their way, he forced himself not to look back.
He knew he was doing the right thing. But nonetheless he felt like he'd just fallen ten feet and landed to stones.
/ I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground... /
Owari.
A/N: (sniffs) A bit sad, ne?
So… (gulps) You may now give me your judgement on this… well, different fic of mine. Good, bad, absolute trash? PLEASE, do let me know – I'll give ya cookies if you do! (gives adorable puppy's eyes)
Awkay, it's insanely late here and I'm determined to get a couple of things done, so…
Thank you so much for reading!
Take care!