Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any of the characters in this story.
The road back home
"Hi!" he said nonchalantly, innocently, fearlessly as though an eternity and a half had not passed between them without a word from him. As though he had not cut every single tie with her when she had made her decision to return home. As though it all meant nothing.
Her eyes narrowed. She wanted to slap him, to shake some sense into him, to yell at him and tell him people don't just walk back into other people's lives after eight years of absence, no communication, and news only gleaned from what is discussed on TV.
Part of her also want to hold him tight, to kiss him, to run her fingers through his hair.
She shook her head. This was not the time for either of those courses of actions.
"Hi!" she replied equally nonchalantly, although with the slightest tremor to her voice. "Come in!"she motioned to the inside.
In passing his hand brushed hers and she closed her eyes willing herself to pretend it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Not even him.
"So...how have you been?" She regarded him carefully noting the shadows that lined his eyes, and the new strength in his jaw.
She, herself, had changed little. Apart from her hair being shorter, her face had been little altered by time, and her eyes were as expressive as ever.
"Pretty good! It's...it's good to see you!" some of his old spirit burned below the surface of that statement, just bright enough so she could perceive it.
"I see Pikachu remains unchanged." she quipped about the fact that even now Pikachu was up to its old tricks of cuddling her leg. "I'm glad you missed me. I missed you too!" she scratched gently behind its ears.
"I...I missed you, Misty." She raised her head suddenly, surprised, and murmured his name unconsciously.
"I...I wanted to come sooner, but I couldn't. And every time I wanted to write a letter I didn't know where to start..and..."
"You could have called!" The heat in her voice was unmistakable. He hung his head.
"I didn't know what ...how...?"
"We were friends!" then softer "...weren't we?"
"Friends..." he tested the word as though trying to figure out the flavour of it. "But...that's just it...you're like no friend I've ever had! You make me want to be the best I can be! More than I've felt on my own. You make me frustrated and angry, but you are also always there for me. I thought not having you around would help me understand but I don't."
"Ash..."
"I've travelled with three other girls so far. Met women of all ages from all areas...but you...you I can't figure out!"
She smiled.
"I just had to see you...I had to find out...I mean...that is...I think I really like you. I just wanted to ask if maybe..."
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes!"
"You would like to travel with me again?"
Misty's face fell despite her best efforts.
"No, Ash. No. You know I can't!"
"But surely your sisters could take over for a bit. They owe you that much."
Misty shook her head.
"They won't see it that way."
"But..."
"But nothing." she said more bitterly than she had intended. "Now, if this is all you came to say, leave me alone. I am very busy!"
Her fire hid from his eyes the depth of her hurt, and he lowered his head.
"Fine. Come on Pikachu."
She saw him off to the door, and collapsed to her knees as soon as the door had closed. Too much raw emotion was threatening to overtake her.
How could he?
The question embittered her whole afternoon and the following two weeks. She knew he hadn't meant any harm, that, to him, she was a friend and nothing more, clearly. Despite everything he had said about how she was different, special, he had made it clear that it was intended as a friend.
Dejected and utterly drained she cradled her head in her hands and sighed.
How could I be so stupid? I mean falling is one thing, but I had eight years to get over him! Eight!
In her mind she went over all the failed attempts at dating and falling in love and it was only the sound of the doorbell that brought her back to the present day.
There he was again, standing before her, looking innocent and infuriatingly unaware of anything.
"What do you want?" Pikachu bristled at her tone but she didn't care.
"I want to try."
Misty was taken aback.
"What?"
"Try...like...being together."
She narrowed her eyes:
"Like friends?"
Ash blushed deeply.
"I...I don't know as what...but not just friends."
Misty sighed.
"Come on in, we shouldn't be having this talk out here."
He followed her obediently to the guest room, and sat down at her motioning.
"Now, can you please tell me why you're here, and just be clear about it."
Ash gulped.
"I...this was a bad idea...I should go."
"Goddamit Ash Ketchum! Are you telling me that you can face some immortal, wild, dangerous, legendary Pokemon and not flinch, but you can't tell me, your oldest friend, what's on your mind?!"
Ash paled visibly and sat back down.
"It's just...that..." he hummed trying to find the words. "I...I thought if you can't travel with me...maybe I could come work here with you..."
It was Misty's turn to pale.
"But, Ash...I don't need any help. I'm doing okay, really I am..."
"No you're not Misty, you're not resting, you're stressed, you've lost so much weight, and you look so tired!" He looked at her, for the first time since that day. He looked into her eyes. "I'm worried about you!"
This was too much! Just too much! Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes and she frantically tried to hide them.
"I'm...I didn't mean to make you cry! I...I think you're an amazing gym leader! Really, Misty!"
Her heart pulsated even stronger and the tears began rolling down her cheeks.
"Thank you. No, I'm fine. I've just had a headache these past few days. It's made me more emotional, that's all.
"So...what do you say?"
"I say welcome to the Cerulean City Gym, Ash Ketchum." she extended her hand to him in an offered handshake.
His first night at the gym, Ash kept thinking about his job, fretted about letting Misty down, or ruining their friendship with unbidden feelings.
She had always seemed to like him, but that was so long ago. Would she even have the same feelings? If she had had them in the first place. Pikachu plopped on the bed next to him:
"Pika pi..."
"I don't know buddy. I just don't know."
The way everyone had described love to him it had seem so wild and reckless, but he felt something different for Misty.
Eight years. Eight whole years had passed since she had decided to return to her city, and her sisters had made her take charge of the gym. Eight years in which he'd done everything from meeting legendary Pokemon and saving the world to picking apples to feed to Pokemon and changing water in troughs. He had also met many women. Countless, actually. He had travelled with other girls and they all had been kind and loving and really good trainers, but they were not able to fill the gap Misty had left in him. The gap that took him years to become aware of and nearly a whole decade to fully acknowledge.
He had wandered again and again to new places in search of home, a home he knew Pallet town could no longer offer, although he wasn't able to say why. All he knew was he had missed Misty. So much! He had missed her voice, her smiles, even her scolding. Now that he was here again he wondered how he could have ever gone without her for so long.
If he were honest, he had dreamed many times about holding her or sleeping together in the same bed.
He closed his eyes. Her skin was so smooth, her sweet warmth seeped into him. This is what he had been missing.
Lost in comforting visions, sleep slowly overtook him.
After that first day nothing was mentioned about feeling between them. Everyday ran like clockwork. Wake up, feed the Pokemon, train, stop for lunch, train, feed the Pokemon again, then dinner and bed. If he were honest, he was happier than he'd been in all his travels. Actually, all the travels since Misty had returned to Cerulean to take over the gym.
His heart beat strongly every time she was near.
He found himself longing to take her hand and kiss it more than once. He wanted to correct his earlier mistake when he implied she was not capable, that she looked worse to him.
She was beautiful to him. Always had been. He longed to tell her that. He wanted to hold her, and take away her worries and sorrows until she was happy again.
He could tell she was not happy. She was very careful to always be cheerful, but years of travelling with her, and a good dose of maturity had honed his people-reading skills.
He wanted so much to tell her his feelings, the only problem was he did not know what those feelings were.
He had always figured Brock was an exaggeration in dealing with attraction, but he never found himself even remotely willing to wax lyrical, or touch women. He had never even considered kissing anyone. Not that he hadn't tried to. He had, but it seemed so strange and unnecessary.
People around him had mentioned love many times, particularly the kissing. Always the kissing. The physical. He had never had that inclination.
He just knew that he cared for Misty in ways that he had never cared for anyone before. He knew he would happily have married her the next day if she would have had him. Happily spent the rest of his life with her if she asked. According to everyone else around him, that wasn't love.
He had spent years trying to understand what it was and failing. Exhausted, he figured honesty would be the best policy. What if he ruined everything though? What if his feelings or lack of feelings hurt her? Could their friendship really survive and weather such emotions?
Ash was nothing if not impulsive, but years had tempered his impulsiveness with understanding and compassion. He was quickly reaching the end of his patience though. He just wanted to know. Wanted to know how she felt. Wanted to hold her in his arms and swear his life to her.
Day after day of working in close quarters had strengthened his resolve. She was unhappy and maybe, maybe he could make her happy. All he knew was he had to try.
The sun was slowly disappearing behind the fir trees. At her desk, Misty continued working, unwavering in her diligence, ignoring the shadows on her books.
She was working too hard again. Ash shook his head and turned on the light.
"I want to talk" he said, and his tone wavered.
Misty looked up from her desk. "Everything ok?"
"Misty..." he started but looked down again. Misty stood up, and walked over to him.
From closer she could see the small tremors that were shaking his frame. She put an arm on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
"Whatever it is, Ash, you can tell me."
She was not expecting him to turn around and kiss her hand then cover it with his own. Seemingly heartened by the contact he began:
"Misty...what is love?"
She spluttered.
"Love? Well it's an emotion and people feel it towards their family, their friends and sometimes, other people."
"That's not what I mean..." he paused before trying again. "I meant...love between two people, like a boy and a girl."
"Ah..." she thought for a moment. "Well often it has a lot of anxiousness, if you don't know how the other person feels. Nervousness, but a sense of happiness whenever they're around."
"Yes, but what about kissing? Is that obligatory? If you don't want to, but you care a lot about that person...is that still..." He looked down. "I'm messing everything up."
"Messing what up? Ash? What is this about really? I mean everyone feels love in slightly different ways...and there are all sorts of people, who love women, men, both or neither. I mean..." then suddenly "Wait! Is this why you've been single this whole time? You...were unsure about kissing?"
He squeezed her hand before looking up at her.
"No. I knew I didn't love the other girls. I stayed single because I didn't want to hurt them."
"That was very mature of you, Ash." Misty smiled softly.
"Misty...I just want to know what is love, before I say I'm in love."
"I can't help much there, I'm afraid, but if you want, I can tell you how it felt for me."
"Felt? You don't love that person any more?"
Misty looked down. When she straightened again she was smiling, but her eyes were so full of sadness he thought his heart would stop.
"I think I will always love this person. I'm okay with that. For me love was a lot of hiding and pain, but it's not like that for everyone. I wanted to make him happy, to make him smile. I wanted to hold hands, share beds, kiss..." she trailed off blushing. "I wanted one day to get married, and maybe have kids. I felt love in every fibre of my being." She smiled. "More than anything, I wished for his happiness, and I sincerely still wish it."
"But Misty, you wanted to kiss him."
"Yes."
"I want everything you said...just not the kissing."
"What?"
"I'm so bad at this. Alright, say I had this friend and he really cared for this girl. Wanted her happiness, wanted to hold hands, wanted to share beds, get married, maybe have kids. His friend knows that this girl is special, so smart and kind, and beautiful. He just wants her happiness. He wants to try and make her happy, but he doesn't want to kiss her. Does he still love her?"
Misty thought for a moment.
"Well, kissing is something you do because you really love each other, but, I guess it's not a measure of love."
"Misty...could you kiss me?"
"Me?!" She thought the blush would spread to her hair.
"Please. I just...I want to understand!"
"But Ash..." She tried to stay calm, despite her heart having begun to race. "Ash...we don't …."
Her mind was spinning thoughts much faster than she could actually process them.
"Misty..." He looked her straight in the eye. "Whatever happens, I promise I won't leave."
Having just finished thinking about the myriad ways she could lose him if she kissed him now, she was slightly comforted.
"Alright" she murmured. "Just once." She leaned in and pressed her lips against his. He could feel her warmth, her soft lips against his own ones. A million thoughts raced through his head, but the loudest one was very clear. There were no shivers, no sparks, nothing that he had been told would be part of love.
"Am I broken?"
He hadn't realised he'd spoken out loud until Misty answered.
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you Ash...some people just don't match." her voice wavered slightly.
"Misty, I don't understand. I just know that I...I really don't want to go through life without you. That's what I had come to say, I was just scared, scared that what I feel isn't love, and scared that I would hurt you. Scared that you would hate me for not talking to you for eight years and scared that it would be nothing more than I deserve."
She whispered his name in shock.
"The truth is, no one else has made me feel like you do, made me miss like you do, made me want to spend every day I have with them like you. I managed eight years because I didn't know, but now I know and this feeling, I have decided, love or not, it's for you and it's all I can offer.
Misty's knees buckled and she was forced to kneel to regain some semblance of control over herself.
This wasn't true. This couldn't be true! He knelt, anxiously searching her face for an answer.
"Oh Ash!" She wanted to hold him, to feel his body underneath her own, to hear his heartbeat, to kiss his slightly parted lips... kiss. The thought threw cold water over her.
"Ash...I...I really care for you."
"As a friend, right?"
"As a friend also, but also as a lover."
Ash looked at her, stunned.
"But Misty...I can't even kiss."
She smiled.
"Have you ever tried?"
"I never wanted to."
"What about earlier?" she tried to hold back her feelings that were even then pulling at heart and filling it with fear. "...when I...when we kissed."
Ash paled and looked down.
"I...I don't know. It felt nice, but...it wasn't...wasn't...what everyone said...that's why I wanted to know!"
"Know what?"
"What love is, because you already make me so happy, because I don't want a future without you in it...but what if I'm just holding you back from guys who would want to kiss...and...do things that result in kids.
They both flushed deeply at the thought. Misty sighed.
"I love you Ash. With all my heart. I want you to be happy."
"You make me happy, Misty, I just worry about hurting you."
She paused for a moment.
Here he was, after all these years, confessing his feelings to her. Her feelings returned in all but one aspect. She had always been made to think that physicality was important...but what if it wasn't? What if he loved her in his own way, in a way that did not involve kissing, or intimate touching, but loved her nevertheless? She bit her lip.
Most of her fantasies about this moment (the scant half dozen that she had seen only in her dreams where she couldn't suppress them) had involved kissing. More than kissing on occasion.
She blushed and looked at him. His eyes were downcast,his form dejected. Here he had been offering his heart to her, in his own way. It was all that she needed to know.
Social norms about romantic relationships be damned, she loved him. Awkward, boisterous, occasionally shy as he was, and so innocent sometimes. It was all part of him, and she loved him entirely. Grasping his hands with more courage than she felt, she bade him to face her.
"Ash...if you are really sure. I mean...if you really think it's me you want to be with, I want to give it a try."
The look in his eyes made her heart leap. So much happiness and relief.
"Misty, I just...I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"If you find someone else who makes you happy, who can give you kisses and...and everything you want, please don't stay with me. Promise me."
She stared at him dumbstruck because it had never occurred to her that he could be so sensitive, or generous. Most of the guys she had dated had been jealous and little interested in her needs. She searched her heart. No, it was Ash she had wanted this whole time. Flawed as he was, she loved him, and if all he could give her were embraces, she would willingly and happily accept them and be satisfied.
She gripped his hands a bit tighter and spoke:
"Ash, I have loved you for the past ten years. I know you. I know you're not perfect. So you can't kiss me. That's fine. Maybe someday you will, maybe you won't, but I won't lose you because of it."
"Misty..."
"Ash, I think you care for me very much in your own way, and really, I can't ask for more." she smiled and was surprised when he wheedled out of her grasp and embraced her.
"Misty..." he whispered taking in the fragrance of her hair, and the feel of her body in his arms. He whispered her name over and over like a prayer. Her arms had twined behind him, pressing him even tighter to herself.
This! This was what he had been missing. He could feel the gap in his heart beginning to heal and he began to understand. He loved her, with all his being, with every cell in his body. He needed her in his life. There was no doubt. In that moment he understood that even without the fireworks, and the butterflies that everyone had spoken about, his feelings were real, and steady. They were burning fiercely inside his chest, chanting her name. The sense of peace and contentment washing over him told him he was home. She was his home. His heart was whole again.
"I love you!" he whispered completely certain of his feelings for the first time.
"I love you, Misty!"
Author's note: So...yes...Ash is a heteroromantic asexual person. I don't know why but it just felt like canon to me. Of course, this is just a personal interpretation. if you have any questions or comments feel free to let me know. I tried my best to be accurate and respectful but I know I can always learn more. ^_^