"Goo d evening. Welcome to Gia—er, I mean, this newest story by yours truly. Sorry, had a bit of phone on the brain. If you know what I was going to say…good for you.
"Anyway, this is an entrant for Lord of the Storms 28's contest about bad recipes. It's an odd-sounding contest, but I do have to admit that it's pretty original, especially considering the fact that it's to be done in writing.
"There's no real point in holding you all hostage with this specific startup, so I'm just going to move on. I do not hold licensing for Star Fox, nor will I likely ever. I do wish, though…
"Anyway, it's time to start. Let it…Begin!"
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"You see, guys? I told you I'd take care of things here for your honeymoon!"
The noon sun was high over the Walled City of Sauria, burning any of the tropical ground that wasn't covered by stone or shadow. To the north of the main building, a shuttle was parked, engines making a low-pitched whining noise as the propulsion systems shut down. In front of the ship's hatch were three figures, two anthropomorphic foxes and a large dinosaur; stuck on the inside of the rear viewport was a cheery tag that actually had little use on a space-capable craft.
The tag said: "Just married!"
"Uh, yeah, thanks Tricky. We appreciate it." A gloved hand scratched at the nape of the man's furry neck. Fox McCloud stood awkwardly as a triceratops, standing tall enough to bite his head, chuckled like a pleased child; incidentally, the dinosaur was a pleased child.
"Fox, Krystal, it's so nice to see you again. And for once, there isn't an invasion going on!" Though the dinosaur, Tricky, had a voice like rocks grating against each other, the two newlyweds were happy to share a chuckle.
The woman finally spoke. "You seem to have done a wonderful job. There haven't been any reports of planets breaking apart or disgusting, android bugs running about since the last time we saw you."
"Uh-huh! I've been taking care of everything! The remaining SharpClaw members are working together with the LightFoot tribe to get the coastal areas back into shape, too."
"That's great, King Tricky—"
"Fox, you know you guys don't have to call me that! Anyway, I bet you're both really tired from your trips, so let me show you where you'll be staying."
"That's very nice of you, Tricky." The woman, Krystal, gave the leathery-skinned creature her warmest smile. Fox, by her side, felt his heart race a bit at his wife's—amazing to call her that—smile. Her blue fur and white muzzle were part of an exotic pattern from a planet far distant and far destroyed. His own rust-orange fur was common by comparison.
"Just climb on, guys!" Tricky moved to a rock that reached about halfway up his flank, providing the couple with a chance to scale his massive shoulders.
Fox stepped up, placing one foot on the rock. Holding out his hand, the vulpine gestured for his mate to climb up first. Krystal stifled a giggle at her husband's display of chivalry. "Thank you, Fox. But you'll have to be the one to keep my dress down."
It was true. The married McClouds had come straight from their wedding. Fox was wearing a starched, deep blue tuxedo with a matching tie. Because the suit was simple, it gave the vulpine a free range of motion. Krystal's dress, though, was far more elegant.
Krystal McCloud was wearing a rippling blank dress that would have blended into the snowy Fichina landscape. The upper half of the dress was lacy but simple—it was the puffy bottom that would need to be controlled. Ripples of clean white surrounded her hips and legs, an impenetrable fortress of Corneria-grown silk. The vixen had to hold the fluffy material up so that it wouldn't drag in the dirt.
Fox chuckled again as he helped his wife onto Tricky's back. "What's wrong? Don't want any HighTops thinking you're a fluffy flower?" The comment earned Fox a swat to the head, eliciting a further chuckle from the vulpine.
"Come on, you," smiled Krystal. "I don't want to waste any time on jokes. We have a lot to do before the sun sets, you know."
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The section of the Walled City was one that Fox had not visited before; clearly it was meant as living quarters rather than a house of worship.
The EarthWalkers were kind enough to have drawn together a bed of soft grasses from near the streams surrounding the temples, forming a sort of primitive mattress. This bed was covered with large leaves from the palm tree-like plants that dotted the landscape to keep the two foxes warm during the night. Tall rocks had been pulled inside to preserve Fox and Krystal's modesties when they changed clothes…if they felt like using them. The far corner had a pile of wood and several low rocks to act as a cooking and dining area.
It wasn't home, but the apartment was quite charming.
Changed into more normal attire, the McCloud couple sat on the bed, hand in hand. They were commenting on the effort the EarthWalker Tribe had put into their vacation suite.
"It was really nice of Tricky to put all of this together. I wonder what he'll ask for in return."
"Fox, I think this is a respectful imbursement to us for saving Sauria twice."
"You think so?"
Krystal gave her mate a look that displayed both exasperation and good humor. "I hope you're kidding."
"I am, don't worry."
A low rumble filled the room. Two sets of sharp fox ears picked up the noise and traced it straight to Fox's stomach. "Heh, I guess I'm hungry. I didn't have anything to eat since last night."
"Too nervous?"
"Yeah. You know, that telepathy is really something."
Another gurgle sounded, this time coming from Krystal's belly. "It wasn't telepathy. I was nervous, too."
"Ah. So, I guess we should get something to eat, then. We can probably get room service." Man and wife shared a giggle.
"Now Fox, you said we could make our first meal alone special, right? And that we could use Cerinian customs in our lives?"
"Of course. Why, what do you have in mind?"
"It's a little secret recipe that my parents used to make me when I was young. When I turned ten in Cornerian years, my parents shared the instructions with me. I think we should try it." Fox opened his mouth, but Krystal held a finger to his lips. "I know you agree. Telepathy, remember? Anyway, it'll take two of us to put this meal together, so I have a special job for you."
"Does it involve killing Tricky?"
"Ha ha, no, Fox. Bad." Fox laid his ears flat in mock shame, drawing a laugh from Krystal. The male McCloud joined in almost immediately. When the chortling died down, Krystal continued. "Seriously now, Fox—this is important. I need you to go outside, find a nice, large, hollow rock, and boil plenty of water."
"And then?"
"And then keep it boiling until I get back." Fox gave Krystal a look, which she interpreted immediately. "I know it'll make you feel useless, but the role is absolutely vital. On Cerinia, it was the role of the family's dominant woman to find the ingredients for the meals. So leave it to me to find the substance, alright?"
"Alright, Krys." The vulpine couple shared a quick kiss before each partner went off to fulfill their tasks.
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Alright, thought Krystal, the Cerinian Stew requires a hodgepodge of flavors. To fulfill this, there must be equal parts of plant and animal matter in the pot. Dumbledang pods will provide plenty of vegetation, and some bomb spores might add some spice. Now meat…Krystal paused to look around and ponder. Meat will be harder to come by. Perhaps if I can find a Bafomdad…I'll probably have to skin it before bringing it home to Fox. He'd probably be grossed out at the process of gutting an innocent creature.
Now, all that's left is a way to actually thicken the stew. The whites of PukPuk eggs should do nicely for that. Satisfied at her list of groceries, the blue vixen set out to find the four pieces of the stew.
The first thing, Krystal decided, was to find something simple and easy to hold. Bomb spores were common, so that would be the first target. Target, mused Krystal. I've been a mercenary for too long. It's time to shift back to the more simple times. Not a target, then—a piece of my next meal.
Thinking back several years, the vulpine tried to remember what her mate had boasted about his adventures in the Walled City. The bomb spore plants were fairly rare, but easy to identify due to their shape and special emissions—this flower was shaped like a dome and gave off a foul-smelling gas from its top. Krystal took a deep breath and released, savoring the fresh, clean air of Sauria. Cornerian atmosphere was nice, but it was still mildly polluted from all of the war in the past decade or so.
Finding nothing on her first try, Krystal decided to make for a higher perch where the wind would carry more scents.
Climbing onto a broken pillar, the vixen let the cool breeze wash over her for a moment. Such a peaceful place…Hm? What's that?
Krystal's sensitive nose picked up the smell of sulfur. Fox had thought that the bomb spore plants were filled with the reeking element; it might have been what provided the big explosion when the plant's bulb was ruptured. The scent came from the south, and was fairly close if Krystal was correct.
The blue vixen leapt down from her perch and made her way towards the smell, following the trodden paths made by the EarthWalkers over the centuries. Soon, she passed through the southern gat of the city and made her way to a cave settled over a small ledge. Krystal scrambled up the outcrop and swung her legs onto the flat surface above. There, in the cave, was the bomb spore plant she had been seeking.
Now, how to get the spores out? Bomb spore plants only released their seeds when they exploded. In the ideal situation, Krystal would have had her staff…but that was gone over the Aparoid Homeworld along with the original Great Fox. A new method would be needed. Of course, the tactic would need to be executed from long-range so as to avoid getting singed by the explosion.
In the end, Krystal found a rock. It was a fairly large stone, but was worn to a vague point by erosion. But throwing the rock would be too unreliable.
Scouring the immediate area, Krystal spied a stick hanging from a nearby branch; this gave her an idea. The branch had broken from the top of its tree and was just hanging within the fox's grasp. Reaching up, Krys managed to pull the short pole from its entanglement.
Taking the branch, the vixen took up several pieces of grass from the well-grazed ground. Weaving the strands together, the blue fox managed to tighten them into a makeshift rope. With the grassy string, she tied the rock onto the broken branch. A javelin had been created.
Careful to hide most of her body beyond the mouth of the cave, Krystal took careful aim with her new tool. Years of training with her family and friends brought back memories and pangs of sadness; memories of learning the ways of the hunt guided her hand as she threw the lance at the bulb. The sadness hit in the short second between the weapon's flight and the explosion of the bomb spore plant.
Throwing mourning out of her mind, Krystal rushed to gather the three bomb spores before they disappeared into the dirt. One at the back of the cave, one at the mouth…and one floated away towards the stream surrounding the Walled City. Taking no rest, the vixen chased the errant seed, catching it just over the bank of the river.
Now that the spice was taken care of, Krystal could focus on more substantial materials.
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Dumbledang Pods weren't hard to come across. In the years since General Scales' tyranny and the aparoid destruction, the EarthWalkers had successfully raised Dumbledang Trees in the northern courtyard. Krystal simply had to kick the tree in order to get a few down. It left her foot a bit sore, but she easily collected about four of the green-and-orange fruits before any serious damage was done.
PukPuk Eggs were also rather easy to find. Asking directions from a passing dinosaur, Krystal weaved her way to the inner sanctums of the City's main temple, where many of the supplies were held. In a room that ran in a circuit around an enormous central pillar, the vixen found several boxes of the foreign proteins along with several magic gem-bearing plants. The space was musty, and had a several pressure plates that seemed to activate amazing electrical barriers. Fox had said something about this room, too…Some sort of big battle? Oh well, not important now.
Finally, all that was needed for the stew was meat. Knowing that the creatures were shy and rare, if friendly, the blue fox could tell that getting one would be challenging.
Thinking back again, Krystal recalled that many Bafomdads were found underground in small burrows. When found, the healing beasts would stay on the spot for days on end until it was either picked up and taken as a pet, or until their shallow dwellings were filled in again. Fox had picked up one of the primitive animals on the north side of the temples, where the shuttle had landed. That gave Krystal an idea.
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On her belly, crawling under the honeymoon shuttle, Krystal did her best to scan the ground that the ship covered. Though dark due to the flying machine's shadow, the ground was still visible in the little light that the spacecraft allowed in.
The dirt was almost featureless—no grass, no weeds, no rocks; just a single patch of dried-out dirt towards the engines of the ship. Krystal knew she wouldn't be able to dig up the obvious hiding place of the Bafomdad she was seeking, so she would have to coax it out before snagging it. But how could she call out the primitive creature without inflicting personal harm?
Scrambling out from the claustrophobic space, Krystal gabbed one of the Dumbledang Pods and split off the top. Grabbing some of the gooey insides, the vixen squirmed her way back under the ship and army-crawled to within arm's length of the hidey-hole. Extending her fruit-covered hand, which was now closer to a mass of gel-covered fur, Krystal willed her racing heart to calm.
The rabbit-like creature made a slow appearance. First, its long, red ears wormed their way out from the hole and scanned the area for noises. The creature's nose came next, followed by the eyes. Krystal put on her most kind face, hiding her misgivings as well as she could. Such a cute creature couldn't be part of a meal!
As the mystical organism crawled closer, the vixen slapped herself mentally. This was just the circle of life—the RedEye and the SharpClaw wouldn't hesitate at eating the Bafomdad, and her ancestors from Cerinia had taken advantage of cuter, less threatening critters for meals. The Bafomdad started licking Krystal's fur. No, this was simply the living tradition of life.
Swift as the wind, Krystal's other hand lashed out and grabbed the creature's ear. After a brief struggle, the magical beast's eyes clouded over as its snapped neck cut off all communication between the brain and body. It was done.
Fighting off the melancholy of loss and the elation of success so like Cerinian tradition, the vixen hauled both herself and her load out from underneath the spacecraft and began to look for another sharp rock.
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The air was moist when Krystal, arms full of ingredients and clothes stained red, stepped into the room she was sharing with Fox. By the corner, a large stone was placed strategically over a fire, steam rising from a water-filled hollow. Tending the flames was Fox, who stood at the arrival of his wife. The vulpine frowned at the blood. "Wha—what happened?"
Krystal gave him her most charming smile. "Simply the circle of life, Fox. I had to get meat somehow." The tawny vulpine grimaced in disgust. Clearly it had been a good idea to clean the carcass outside. "Don't worry; I'll take care of the blood while the stew's cooking." Krystal brought over the ingredients and began to outline how to make the meal.
While Fox prepped the food, Krystal grabbed a spare outfit made her way down to a nearby waterfall. Careful to be sure that nobody was watching, the blue vixen stripped off her clothes and began to wash them. The force of the water managed to remove most of the stains from the pink bodysuit, while the color of the garment largely hid the remains. Laying the clothing on a rock to dry, Krystal quickly put on the extra clothes—a purple-and-blue version of the freshly-scrubbed article.
By the time the vixen returned to the chamber, she could smell the stew's advanced state of preparedness. Outside, the sun had started to set. Making her way to Fox's side, Krystal engaged her man in light conversation until the meal was ready.
Taking bowl-like rocks so kindly provided by the EarthWalkers, Krystal and Fox helped themselves to their hard-earned feast. Turning to Fox, the blue vixen proudly stated, "The Saurian Stew is served. Please enjoy."
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Hungry as they were, the two foxes promptly dug into their dishes. Fox sniffed tentatively, recognizing the dangerous scent of bomb spores. Krystal seemed to enjoy it, though, and she was still alive. Throwing caution to the stars, Fox lifted the bowl to his maw and took a tasting slurp.
Instantly, his tongue was aflame with spice. It took all of Fox's control to not spit out the stew that he had made with his wife. Swallowing hard and looking at Krystal, the vulpine found his mate already helping herself to seconds.
Taking a deep breath, Fox prepared to swallow the rest of the meal. Krys, I love you dearly. But if this is what we're eating for the rest of the trip, it's gonna be a short honeymoon. Steeling himself, Fox tilted his head back and began to swallow.
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"Apparently, Krystal likes spicy foods. No accounting for intercultural tastes, I guess.
"I don't have much to say on this specific subject, so I'll let you all go again. I hope you enjoyed this little look into the lives of honeymooning foxes in Lylat. Ciao chow, all, and stay away from those bomb spores.