All That I Need
Goku sighed and sank down on the grass. It was lush and soft as a pile of blankets, and smelled like fresh-cut flowers. He liked the cushiony feel of it beneath him, as well as the cool breeze that ruffled his hair and made his cape blow back. The sky was so blue and so pea eful, he could almost forget all the trouble he and his friends were having. It had been over three days since Ikku killed Hakkai, and Gojyo was off, hopefully with Hazel, trying to revive their dead friend. Everything had gone so wrong so quickly, Goku couldn't quite pinpoint when things had first started to get messed up, and now it was too late to prevent anything. The boy couldn't help feeling angry at his own weakness: if only he hadn't gotten sick, if only he had been there, then maybe Hakkai would still be alive. Then he could have healed Gojyo's wounds, the four of them together could have killed Ikku, and they could have gone on their way, to the West, without another problem. But as things stood now, Hakkai was dead, with no guarantee of getting him back, ever, and Gojyo was wandering the countryside, alone and badly injured, with no guarantee of surviving. Goku felt utterly useless.
Pulling up tufts of grass in his fists, the boy looked at the clouds that were drifting above him, casually floating in the wind. They were so white and so fluffy, without a care in the world. He noticed that one looked sort of cockroach-shaped, and that only discouraged him further.
The boy turned around to look at Sanzo, who was sitting with his back to him, just a few feet away, looking at a map of their charted route. The detour had really gotten the monk angry, and the fact that Jeep had disappeared and they were on foot didn't help, so for a while it had been difficult to speak to him, but now, a few hours later, when they were taking a break in such a peaceful place, Goku found it hard to believe that Sanzo could still be angry.
"Sanzo," he said quietly, testing first to see if the monk was willing to listen.
"Hn." He heard the map rustle.
"What about Gojyo? D'ya…d'ya' think he'll be okay?"
"I have no idea—but it's not my problem."
"He was hurt real bad, wasn't he?"
"Guess so."
Goku tossed a handful of grass into the air and it went spinning through the wind, drifting over the land and falling gently like feathers. Sanzo was always so distant when it came to conversations like this. Goku had sensed many times that his friend didn't want to discuss serious issues like this. It was hard for Goku to really understand what Sanzo was thinking, but he got the feeling that the monk was trying hard to not care about his traveling companions. He wondered why that was and if it was working out.
Wistfully, Goku looked down the road that led to the East, half-hoping to see Gojyo coming along at his own peaceful pace, Hakkai right beside him, smiling and laughing at his friend's expense. But that was just a dream. Hakkai was dead, and Gojyo was on the verge of following him.
He looked down the road to the West, the road they were following now, and he felt a sense of dread: there was no way to know what was there, what was waiting beyond the corners or hiding in the shadows, and with only two of them it would be very hard to reach India alone. Didn't Sanzo realize that? He had to. Maybe that was why he'd been so quiet the last few days.
"Sanzo?"
"What is it now?" He detected the irritation in Sanzo's tone, but had learned to not worry about that a long time ago.
"D'ya' ever think about dyin'? I mean, are ya' scared to die?"
The monk sighed, obviously read to, at last, take Goku seriously, "Look, Goku, you've got to stop thinking so hard about all this death stuff."
"But Hakkai…d'ya' think he was scared?"
Sanzo took a moment to answer, and Goku could smell the familiar, somehow comforting scent of cigarette smoke in the air, "Hakkai knew what he was doing—and he must have thought it was worth it. Whether he was afraid or not doesn't really matter: he was willing to take the chance."
Nodding to himself, Goku took a deep breath of the smoke. What was it about that smell that had come to be such a comfort to him? It was always so ever-present in his life, polluting the fresh air when they drove, filling the atmosphere in the inn rooms they booked. It was in Gojyo's hair and clothes when they slept side by side in the back of the Jeep. It was a thin film around Sanzo when he walked with him, side-by-side. If for some reason that smoke stopped flowing, if Sanzo went away…
It was a thought he didn't even want to consider. For four years now, Sanzo had been a huge, central part of his life; they'd spent nearly every day together since Sanzo had found him, and as long as this journey continued, and as long as they were both alive, Goku saw no reason why they shouldn't go on just like that. Always together.
The urge in him to go find Gojyo and help him was powerful and compelling: he was worried about his friend, more worried than he'd been about anyone in a long, long time. But Goku knew that he couldn't allow that urge to get the best of him. Even though the road to India was even more dangerous now than it had ever been before, he didn't feel afraid for himself. Instead, he was terrified for Sanzo. The rough-talking, threat-making monk was doing a pretty good job of keeping it together, but Goku knew that he was worried about the state of things. And if something happened to Sanzo, if he wasn't there to protect him, and he died too…
Goku physically shook his head, trying to push the thoughts away. He couldn't think about that. He couldn't think about that horrible, black event and still see himself on the other side.
He felt someone looking at him, turned to see that Sanzo had twisted around and was staring at him intently.
"What's the matter, monkey?"
"Nn. Nothin', just…we're all pretty messed up right now, huh?"
"Hn. I don't know what you're talking about." Sanzo lifted his cigarette to his lips.
"It's this whole thing with th' others…"
"You can stop worrying about it, Goku." Sanzo's voice was surprisingly soft.
"But if somethin' happened to ya', like what happened t' Hakkai, I dunno' what I would do. We don't know when we're gonna' die, or how."
"Does that scare you?"
"No. Not really. I'm not scared ta die, but…"
Sanzo set a hand on top of Goku's head. It was strange, since the monk very rarely touched him for any reason, and at first Goku wasn't sure how to react. He thought about the times when he almost had lost Sanzo; like when Rikudo had stabbed him or when the desert youkai had infected him with her venom. Those moments had been utterly terrifying to Goku, and to think of a world without the droopy-eyed priest was like thinking of a world without the sun. It was a dark, cold thread of imagination.
The boy shuddered, "Sanzo, d'ya' really think it's selfish…?"
"What Hakkai did? Of course I do. More than that, it was stupid."
"But d'ya' think it's selfish…t' wanna' protect someone?"
Sanzo hesitated, looking away for a moment before turning back and saying quietly, "No. But it is impossible."
The words weren't comforting in the least. In fact, their effect was exactly the opposite. "If somethin' were gonna' happen to ya', Sanzo, I don't think I could just stand there and let it. I think I'd do just what Hakkai did an-"
"Goku," Sanzo cut him off gently, "nothing's going to happen to me." He added even more quietly, "I told you before, didn't I? I could never leave an idiot like you alone."
His voice and the words brought back a memory, strangely bittersweet, soft and harsh at the same time, and Goku smiled, leaning back against Sanzo. He looked up at the butter-yellow sun, "Yeah, ya' told me."
"So you should stop worrying about it and shut up."
The boy closed his eyes, still grinning, "Mm-kay, Sanzo, whatever ya' say."