It had been four weeks since she had told her she loved her. In all that time, she had been unable to articulate the words that mattered the most. After all, they were a promise, and she didn't know if that promise was returned to her any longer. Sighing, she picked up her iPad and flipped through to the most recent picture she had of them together.
Reaching out, Penelope ran her thumb over the sadly smiling face of Erin Strauss. They had started to date shortly after the Replicator had nearly destroyed everything, killing Kevin and Will before seriously wounding Blake. In the fallout, Rossi and Erin had broken up and Penelope had been the one to stop her from falling off the wagon.
That night, they'd gone back to her apartment, and Penelope had held her while she cried and poured her heart out. Somehow, they had ended up on her bed, Erin curled up tight to her body, clinging to her as she sobbed herself to sleep. From there, they had made it a point to be together for at least five minutes a day. By July, Erin had been the first to say 'I love you' to her, and her heart had melted.
But then, September had come and she had turned cold. Penelope didn't understand what was wrong, and she had tried to make things better, to fix things between them. It hadn't worked, and they had ended up in a no holds barred fight. Penelope had backed off and a devastating tension had risen up between them. And she longed to just tell Erin that she loved her, because she did. And now, it was the middle of October, and they had barely spoken two words to each other.
A soft knock on her door caused her to look up and she found herself face to face with Erin. "I'm sorry." Those words, so quiet, so broken, tore at Penelope's heart and she nodded, beckoning her lover to her side. Erin closed the door, turning the lock so that they would not be disturbed, and made her way over to Penelope. "I'm so sorry."
"A month of silence." Erin nodded, hot tears rolling down her cheeks as she knelt down in front of her. "You shut me out for a month."
"I have cancer."
The words were like a blow to the face. "What?"
"When I went to my yearly well woman check, my doctor found the lump. I didn't want you to be caught up in this mess that my life is going to become so very soon. So I shut you out. But, I can't do this alone. I tried, but it was so awful, going to the first radiation appointment alone. Everyone else there had someone, and there I was, no one with me. I love you, and I only hope you can forgive me."
Penelope fell forward out of her chair, bundling Erin up in her arms and holding her close as they sobbed. "I wish you had come to me right away with this."
"I'm sorry. I wish I had, too. I, I, had a lumpectomy, you won't want me anymore."
"You didn't even let me make that choice, honey. Come on, let's go home." She pressed her lips against Erin's forehead, breathing in the scent of her perfume. She had missed this intimacy, this closeness, and she gently helped her beloved to her feet. "I'm not going to be able to let you go, you realize."
"All right." Erin's arms tightened around her. "I love you."
"Oh, honey bunch, I love you, too." Again, she kissed her forehead, wanting to comfort her as they made their way over to the door. Reid looked up at them, concern on his face, and she shook her head. "You know they're going to ask questions."
"Let them ask. Nothing else matters to me but you." Penelope rubbed her thumb up and down her side as they stepped over to the elevators. Once the doors were closed, and they were alone, Erin turned into her, burying her face in her shoulder as she tried to breathe deeply. "I am so scared, Penelope."
"I know, baby, I am, too." She held her close as they descended, shutting out the others that joined them on the ride. Together, they stumbled over to her car and she helped Erin into the passenger seat before sitting behind the wheel and quickly making her way home. "We're home, Erin."
"I am?" They locked eyes and the questioning look there tore at Penelope's soul.
"How am I ever supposed to let you go when you look at me like that, honey?" she asked as they got out. Erin shrugged, moving to her side as quickly as she could, wrapping her arm around her waist once more. "Come on, honeybunch. Let's get you upstairs."
Together, they climbed the stairs to her apartment and she opened the door awkwardly, not wanting to lose her hold on her beloved. The door finally swung open and she gently tugged her inside, closing and locking the door behind them. "May, may I stay here with you? Forever?"
Penelope's smiled softened a little, and she hugged Erin tightly to her. "Yes."
"I mean, I know you don't like being too confined, I know you value your freedom, but I don't want to ever be apart from you again. I've missed you so much."
She laughed lightly, pressing a finger to Erin's lips. "I said yes, already, darling."
Erin nodded and Penelope removed her finger to kiss her sweetly. "Will you stay by my side if I take a nap? I'm suddenly finding myself exhausted."
"Yes. If you'll let me undress you." Erin blanched, biting her lip before nodding hesitantly. "I love you." She pressed another kiss to her lips before slowly slipping the jacket from Erin's shoulders. "Nothing about your appearance is going to change how much love I hold in my heart for you. Okay?"
Erin bobbed her head three times, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Okay." Penelope smiled and tweaked her nose gently before setting her hands on her shoulders, massaging them gently. Slowly, Erin began to relax and Penelope slipped her hands down to the first button of Erin's blouse, pushing it from its hole.
She made sure to take her time and lavish kisses and attention on each inch of skin that she uncovered. By the time she had reached the last button on the blouse, she was kneeling in front of Erin. Looking up, she smiled into her beloved's face waiting for her to smile back. It took a while, but finally, the corners of her lips turned up into the tiniest of smiles. Sighing, Penelope pressed her forehead to Erin's stomach as she unzipped her skirt, letting it fall to the floor in a heap.
"Penny?" Her voice was soft and questioning and Penelope pulled back to once more look up at her. "I love you."
"I love you, too, darling." She turned her face back to the flesh in front of her and pressed her lips to her stomach as she hooked her fingers in the waistband of Erin's panties and tugged them down to join the skirt. "Are you going to lose your hair?"
"No, I'm not taking any chemo, thank God. Why?"
"I wouldn't want you to lose this sweet thatch of hair between your legs." Penelope slid her lips down to Erin's mons and pressed a soft kiss there. Snaking her tongue out, she lapped at it, enjoying the way Erin's hips tipped forward into her mouth. "But that is going to have to wait for a moment. There are other places I want my lips to be first."
Penelope let her hands scamper up Erin's back until they came to the clasp of her bra. It was nothing to unhook the two hooks and tug the garment from her body, though she couldn't help but notice the way Erin stiffened in her arms. "Are you sure you want your lips there?"
"Yes, my darling, I am."
"May I undress you first?" A warm smile spread across her face as she nodded and stood up, watching Erin's eyes flit up and down her body. "One month. One month since I've felt your lips on mine, since I've touched your body, since I've cried out your name in ecstasy. I'm sorry I was so selfish, so stupid."
Erin reached out and slipped the sweater off her shoulders before running the zipper of her dress down her back, taking time to undo her bra as well. With one tug, she had Penelope almost undressed and the look of love that shone from her eyes made her heart ache. "No, you were being cautious. I understand, completely. You needed some time alone to process, whereas I would have fallen apart completely. I love you."
It seemed like they couldn't stop saying those words to each other, and Erin sighed as she nodded. "I love you, too." Somehow, Penelope found herself being pushed back on her bed and she anticipated being stopped by the mattress, letting her body relax. Erin tugged off her panties and then straddled her body, looking down on her. "Give me your hand."
Penelope did so and Erin brought it to her right breast, placing her fingers on the small indentation that now marred the soft flesh of her chest. "Is that all that's missing? I thought that you'd have more of a concave hole there now."
Erin let out a choked giggle and Penelope grinned at her before arching up and claiming her lips in a bruising kiss. "Thank you," Erin murmured when they had broken the kiss.
"You are most welcome, baby." Erin frowned a little. "What, you don't like that nickname?"
"No. I prefer darling, or dearest. I'm not a child."
"I'll remember that, then." Penelope kissed her once more before dragging her lips down the column of Erin's neck as she gently turned them over. She paid careful attention to her pulse point, sucking and nipping at it before kissing a path down her chest and making a beeline for the indentation that marked her Erin as different, as a fighter. Tears prickled her eyes as she kissed and caressed that beautiful scar with her lips and tongue, worshipping this new facet of her beloved. "I love you, my fierce Erin. Every part and piece of you." She spoke the words against her flesh, hoping that she could hear and understand her.
From the way that Erin buried her fingers in her hair, Penelope was certain that she did. Suddenly, all desire to make love with her was replaced with an overwhelming urge to hold onto her and anchor her here to the present, to her. "We're putting a rain check on the sex, aren't we, precious?"
"How did you guess?"
"By the way your breathing just hitched." She nodded and Erin sighed lightly. "It's for the best, really. I might have fallen asleep on you. I am so exhausted."
"Then go to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up, I promise." Erin gently smiled at her and nodded, another yawn splitting her face. As her beloved snuggled close to her, Penelope pulled the sheets up over them and then closed her arm around Erin's waist. She listened to the way that Erin's breathing evened out into the soft strains of sleep, the light snore she'd come to love telling her that she was comfortable and felt safe in her arms.
Penelope found herself content to just watch Erin, to feel her heavy, yet light, weight in her arms, to have her nuzzle her face into the crook of her neck during some dream that she had. After an hour had passed, her phone began to ring and she reached out and picked up the bedside handset. "Hello?" she murmured lowly, hoping to not wake her lover.
"Hey, Baby Girl. Reid told me that you and Erin had patched things up, that you left here together. He said that you were both crying. What is going on?"
"She has cancer, Der. She was terrified that I would reject her, since she had to have surgery to remove the lump in her breast. Her heart has been so broken and battered by life, that I don't blame her for wanting to run, to hide herself away and protect herself from further hurt. She's going to live with me, forever. We're going to get through this together."
She heard Derek laugh a little, and wondered what was going through his head. "Would you like me to get you both something to eat?"
Penelope hadn't thought about food, more focused on making Erin feel better. "That would be wonderful, Der. Could you, could you also not tell everyone what's wrong? I have the feeling that she'll want to keep this private for the time being. We have to sort out our feelings on this before we tell the world."
She buried the fingers of her free hand in Erin's hair, raking her fingers down gently, loving the feel of it. "I can do that, Penelope. So, I'll be by in about two hours with Chinese. I seem to remember she loves sesame chicken."
Erin stirred in her arms and then smiled up at her. "Go back to sleep, love. I'm just talking to Derek, he's going to be by in a few hours with supper." She nodded and closed her eyes once more, resting her head on the swell of Penelope's breasts.
"Were you guys sleeping?" he asked, concern filling his voice.
"She was, I was watching her. I don't want to take my eyes off her ever again. I love her, Derek, and she's going to stay with me, forever."
"Whoa, I did not realize you two were quite so serious. You're really going to let her move in with you?"
She looked down at Erin, feeling the way she smiled against her breasts, knowing she hadn't gone back to sleep, even if her eyes were closed. "I don't know if we'll keep the apartment yet. Her kids are really important to her, and there's no place for them to stay here. I don't want them to not be a part of our life." Erin's lips puckered and pressed against her skin, and she smiled widely. "Life is about compromise and she's never tried to push me into something I'm not ready for. I'm ready for this."
A small sigh erupted from Erin's lips as Derek spoke once more. "Well, when you decide where you're going to live, let me know. I'll help you two move."
"We'd love that, Derek. See you in a few."
"Later, Baby Girl." They hung up and she set the handset aside before turning to face Erin.
"Do you know how much I love you in this moment, Penelope?" she softly asked, bringing her hand up to cup her face.
"I can only imagine it's as much as I love you, Erin. And I know how much your children mean to you, especially now. I would never ask you to give them up. You are the most precious person in the world to me right now and forever. Now, I know you want to stay here with me, but this is too small a space for all of us. Would you mind terribly if I came to you?"
Tears clouded Erin's eyes as she shook her head. "Wherever you are is where my home is. I know that now, truly. I love you, and I want to come home every night to you. What time is Derek coming over?"
"In about two hours. Why?"
"Then we have enough time to make love before he gets here. That is, if you still want me." A tiny note of apprehension crept into her voice and Penelope smiled as she nodded. "I'm still struggling."
"I know. It's part of why I love you so much. You have this sweet fear that I want to drive out of you. I'm sort of a fixer, you know."
"I know." Erin leaned in and kissed her tenderly. "It's part of why I love you so much." She laughed a little as she parroted her words back to her. Penelope stopped that sweet giggle with a quick kiss that ended with her flipping Erin onto her back. Her lover smiled up at her, unshed tears making her eyes sparkle. "I'm probably going to cry a lot in these coming weeks."
"Then I will make sure to stock up on tissues, Erin. And I will dry as many of them as I can." She kissed Erin once more before resting her forehead against Erin's. "I've missed your perfume in my nose. I've missed the silky feel of your skin beneath my hands. I should have pestered you until you talked to me, we could have avoided all of this and gone through it together from the beginning."
"I should have run to you. I'm sorry I didn't. But you're here now, and you won't leave, right?"
Penelope nodded as she pressed butterfly kisses all along Erin's face before kissing down her torso, taking care to love on her breasts for a bit before continuing on to her goal. By the time she reached Erin's mons, the woman was wriggling and moaning beneath her mouth and she lifted her hips in invitation. Spreading her legs a little more, Penelope settled there and breathed in the heady scent that spoke of Erin's arousal. "You are so wet for me, darling. I have missed this so much," she whispered and then moved in, closing her lips around her clit, thrumming her tongue against that sweet pleasure button.
As she continued to eat Erin out, she could hear the moans and coos that her lover let out, urging her on. Penelope smiled and drove Erin to the brink of orgasm, relishing the way her thighs tightened around her head as she came.
Erin smiled lazily at her as she slid back up her body, snuggling in close. "I love you, Penny."
"And I am never going to tire of saying these words. I love you, too. Now let's go take a shower before Derek arrives." Erin nodded and then leaned in to kiss her softly before reaching out her hand and clasping Penelope's, tugging her from the bed and over to the bathroom. "And then, when he goes home, we can talk about when I move in."
"That sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world." Erin squeezed her hand tightly as a deep sigh erupted from her throat. "I'm so glad I came home."
"I am, too." Penelope smiled as she blinked back tears. "So glad." Peace settled over her heart as they stepped into the bathroom, and she knew that she would never let Erin leave her side ever again.