AN: Okay, this started off as some more oyako that didn't fit into my one-shot collection, but it's sort of developed into a fic of its own... Erm yeah... I don't really have much to say about this one. It should be 2-3 chapters long once completed. It sort of became a 'What if' fic, but you'll see...
Hope you enjoy! ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own ToS.
Kratos sighed, easily sidestepping a clumsy strike from the boy he had agreed to train on this journey.
"Try again," he commanded as Lloyd skidded, rounding on him a second time.
Kratos opted to block the blow head-on, effortlessly tossing the red-clad teenager's blade, and the body attached, away. Lloyd growled, charging at the other swordsman with a savage war cry. Again, Kratos knocked him aside, this time knocking him to the floor. With another cry, Lloyd leapt up and launched himself at Kratos, who simply blocked, shaking his head in disappointment as Lloyd continued with his unrefined slashing.
Frustration was beginning to turn to anger as Lloyd continued to fight desperately to land a hit on his sword teacher. It was all so infuriating; Kratos had pulled Lloyd out of harm's way and blocked a strike for the distracted teenager three times that day. Lloyd had thought he'd been doing relatively well but no, he wasn't defending himself properly and as Raine had informed him, which had done nothing to improve his dark mood, he would have been severely injured had the mercenary not interfered and he needed to be more careful.
In Lloyd's opinion, there was no way he needed to be more careful; he just needed to be stronger. Then it wouldn't matter how careful he was; he could just defeat the enemy before they could even mobilise their weapons. But he wasn't strong enough yet, and he wasn't even close to getting stronger. He felt as strong today as he had last week, when even Genis had perfected casting a new spell in that time.
Lloyd took a step back from the mercenary, executing a 'Demon Fang' in the direction of his opponent, who dodged and sent an answering copy of the same technique. Even his 'Demon Fang' was better than Lloyd's, and that was Lloyd's most practiced move. Lloyd sent another, much stronger one, dashing through the dust to resume close combat.
It didn't faze Kratos. He merely chose one of the many openings he could see and promptly sent the younger swordsman sprawling across the ground with the hilt of his sword. He opened his mouth to deliver his verdict on his son's progress before Lloyd could pick himself up, but was interrupted by Genis' call for dinner.
Scowling, Lloyd got up and rubbed at a clod of dirt that had stuck to his cheek, sparing Kratos only a glance as he headed in the direction of camp.
"Hmph," was Kratos' response to this, the mercenary following the boy, his eyes narrowed slightly. He would need to have a conversation with Lloyd when they got back to camp. It was painfully obvious that Lloyd felt he wasn't improving as quickly as he wanted to be and this was frustrating him, causing him to attack recklessly and leave himself open to counter attacks. If he didn't learn to handle his emotions in battle, it might cost Kratos his son's life. This issue needed addressing before Lloyd could get himself injured, or worse, killed.
"Lloyd," Kratos began, stepping into the camp, to be rewarded with Lloyd's begrudging attention as Genis filled their bowls with chicken soup to distribute.
"Your swordsmanship is still unrefined," he told him, Lloyd's face settling into a scowl at the repeated criticism. "You still throw your right shoulder into the strike, leaving your left open. When you remember to cover with your left, as I taught you, your moves are still too predictable. It is useless to throw all of your strength into a strike that is unlikely to hit, and as such, it is simple for your enemies to disarm you. You allow your emotions to get the better of you when your moves fail and this causes you to lose accuracy further. You must learn to control your emotions if you are to protect the Chosen."
Lloyd's face had grown progressively redder, his fists clenched and shaking as Kratos continued to point out the flaws in his technique in front of the entire group and lectured him on correcting them. He hadn't even landed a hit on the smug, self-satisfied mercenary who thought he was so superior, so much better than everyone else, better than him.
Kratos paused as Genis handed him a bowl of chicken soup before continuing, "It is imperative that you do not allow yourself to become reckless or be blinded by rage."
Lloyd snapped, leaping to his feet as he spat, "Shut up! You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!"
Kratos visibly flinched, a terrible, mixed expression crossing has face before he clamped down on it and his resolve hardened.
"No," he said quietly. "I'm not."
He placed his bowl of soup on the fallen tree behind him and abruptly stood himself. Without another word, he left the camp, seemingly fading into the trees, but not out of the thoughts of the four people remaining in the camp.
Silence reigned for a moment, while they all stared into the trees after him.
"Mr Kratos didn't eat any soup," Colette observed, peering over at the untouched meal.
"Lloyd," Raine started disapprovingly as Lloyd at back down.
"What?" Lloyd answered before she had a chance to continue, spooning soup into his mouth ferociously.
She left him to cool down, accepting a bowl of soup of her own and sitting down near the spot that Kratos had just vacated to eat it and ponder about the extremity of Kratos' reaction. She knew it hurt to have your teaching thrown back into your face when you were only trying to care for someone, having been on the receiving end of the similar "You're not my mother" comment from Genis when she'd told him not to go through the forest to Lloyd's house alone, in case he'd been attacked by monsters.
Raine wasn't Genis' mother, but she was the closest thing he had to one and she'd looked after him as if she was. She was his older sister and she'd raised him from a baby to the boy he was now. She was only concerned for his safety, as she was certain Kratos was concerned for Lloyd's safety, but Kratos couldn't be Lloyd's older sibling, could he?
They did look very similar. Their eyes were exact same shape; they were both swordsmen; they were both stubborn and they did both despise tomatoes to very pits of their beings. And Lloyd's father had never been discovered. But no, that didn't explain the extremity of that reaction. Even if Kratos and Lloyd were related, Raine knew for a fact that Kratos had not raised Lloyd, so couldn't care for him as a parent, and he was much, much too young to be Lloyd's absent father.
Raine replayed the scene in her mind as she finished the soup. It was definitely the 'father' comment that had caused the reaction. She recalled the exact expression that had crossed the mysterious mercenary's face. She had seen anger, despair and above them both, pain. Lloyd had touched on a memory. But a memory of what?
Kratos had come to the clearing he and Lloyd had been sparring in earlier, finally giving in to the shaking of his knees that would have been near indiscernible to even those who knew him well. He fell to his knees under a tree on the far side of the clearing, burying his face in his hands, which started to shake very visibly.
It was so stupid. He shouldn't have let it affect him like that. He knew he wasn't Lloyd's father; he wasn't worthy of such a title and Lloyd already had a much better father to replace him. The boy had told him himself that he didn't need another father now he had Dirk. Dirk was dependable – he was an excellent father. Kratos was a member of Cruxis, who was going to have to betray Lloyd, who hadn't looked hard enough, who had all but abandoned his son and who certainly didn't deserve to be called a father. He was a terrible father.
Lloyd was going to hate him. No, Lloyd already did dislike him and he didn't even know yet. Lloyd had no idea of the enormity of what he had just said. Kratos laughed aloud at the bitter irony. He would say the same thing if he ever found out. No, he wouldn't find out; Kratos wasn't that cruel – he wasn't that much of a horrible parent. Lloyd could never know.
Kratos wasn't Lloyd's father anymore. He had lost that privilege when he had failed to find his son at the bottom of that cliff. He was too late and it was far too late. All he could do now was to protect his son from both Yggdrasil and the truth as best as he could. He couldn't be a father to his son. He knew this. Lloyd was perfectly correct.
And yet it still sent a pang of incredible pain shooting through his chest. It still made it feel difficult to breathe. It made his eyes sting with the emotion it carried.
But it was the burden he would have to carry for his son. He couldn't be anyone's father, but he could be Lloyd's teacher, his protector, for a while at least. And, though it didn't ease the pain, that would have to do. It was all that he could do.
As Kratos shakily stood, the heavens seemed to open, pouring torrents of water upon the forest and striking the despairing father. From a distance, the cold swordsman could almost be crying. As it was, he had no tears to cry.
Genis watched as Lloyd angrily dried the washed dishes that Colette handed him. A frown had been etched into his best friend's face ever since Kratos had abruptly left the camp. The mercenary had yet to return. He was going to be drenched, the miniature mage mused from underneath the makeshift cover that had been hastily erected by Raine as the rain had descended upon them.
"Is it what Kratos said that's bothering you, Lloyd, or is it what you said to him?" Raine asked, removing the dish from his hands and drying it slowly and properly.
Lloyd scowled but didn't answer, taking himself across the clearing to the log Raine had leaned her back against to eat her soup and pulling himself up onto it, tucking one leg up to his chin, the rain soaking him to the bone but the boy not caring in the slightest.
"It's obvious it's really bothering you," Colette tried. "Why don't you say you're sorry?"
"I'm not sorry," Lloyd muttered. "He overreacted." A little louder, he added, "I don't get it. He says all that stuff to me and all I do is tell him to shut up! He storms off and all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy! It's not fair!"
"He was only trying to help you," Raine pointed out, handing the last dish to Genis to pack away and throwing the dishwater out into the clearing
"This bag is soaked through!" Genis complained, adding, "You should go apologise. Kratos might seem indestructible but I think you really hurt him."
"I'm not apologising for telling the truth," Lloyd insisted adamantly as Raine waved her brother aside to inspect the pack that was usually carried by the mercenary.
"I remember when I said that to Raine," Genis stated, a thought occurring to him. "It was stupid. She told me not to go to your house on my own or something and I said what you said to Kratos, only even if Raine's not my mother, she's still my family, and she looked after me more than our mother ever got to. I remember I felt really bad about it afterwards. And I still feel a little guilty sometimes, even though I know Raine forgives me."
Raine paused in the act of emptying the pack, smiling encouragingly, and Genis continued, "I was thinking, when we were eating dinner, how bad I'd feel if Raine didn't forgive me, or if she wasn't here anymore."
"You think that Kratos might have said it to someone," Raine finished for him, tipping out the last of the pack's contents onto the driest area of the ground.
Genis nodded. "And if they're gone now, and Kratos hasn't said anything about any family he might have, he'd feel really bad about it. Particularly if they didn't make up."
"It's plausible," Raine conceded, hanging the empty bag over a rack over the fire to dry out.
"You know what I think?" Colette piped up.
The Sage siblings turned their attention to her, prompting her to share, "I think Kratos thinks of Lloyd like a little brother, and it would really hurt if your little brother was mean to you." She turned to Lloyd with a sunny smile. "But don't worry, because big brothers always forgive little brothers."
Raine raised an eyebrow at Colette's sudden perceptiveness. The Chosen knew a lot more than she let on, but then, didn't she always? She knew full well what would happen to her at the end of this journey but had never publically allowed it to affect her. Raine wondered whether she even thought about it or if she was as good at hiding her emotions as the mercenary they were discussing.
"Isn't that right, professor?" she added, kneeling on the ground to help Raine tidy up their utensils and the belongings that had been removed from Kratos' pack.
"Of course," Raine assured her pupils. "No matter how long that may take."
Lloyd opened his mouth as if to say something, the anger gone from his eyes, but was cut short as the mentioned man returned to camp, having successfully clamped down on his emotions.
Lloyd jumped down from the log and approached the second of his teachers, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. "Listen, Kratos," he began, chancing a look into the mercenary's deadened eyes. "I-I'm sorry, okay. I know you were only trying to help, and I did ask you to, but I just..."
"Don't worry about it," Kratos responded.
"Mr Kratos?" Colette called, holding up something small and red as she turned to the mercenary, an apologetic expression splashed across her face. "Are you feeling better now?"
The swordsman stiffened. "Where did you get that?" he demanded in a low voice, gesturing to the object in Colette's hand. He crossed the clearing in four short strides.
"I'm sorry!" was her immediate response. "You pack got all wet so we had to empty it to dry it. Your things are still dry though."
Kratos took the object from her as Lloyd darted under the cover, finally rejoining the others, to see what was going on. The mercenary cradled a small, red shoe in his palms, his eyes misting over with an emotion that his student was unable to decipher. His fingers slowly closed around it, his eyes shutting, strain showing on his face. Then they uncurled, the eyes opening partway as he seemed to reach for words.
Over his shoulder, Lloyd mentioned, "Hey, I had a shoe like that once."
"Just one shoe, Lloyd?" Genis jumped in.
Lloyd nodded. "Uh huh, Dad told me I lost the other one when I was little but I wouldn't let him get rid of it. But why have you got a kid's shoe, Kratos?"
"It's all... It's all I have," Kratos managed, falling back on his ankles until his head hung from his position on the floor.
Nobody said anything, all eyes on Kratos, prompting the usually stoic man to continue.
"My son's shoe," he breathed. "Only his shoe. That's all there was that I could find. There was nothing else."
"Oh, Kratos," Raine breathed, Colette immediately apologising and hugging his still form.
He didn't push her away but he made no moves to reciprocate the gesture. In fact, he made no moves at all. His eyes were clouded, his hands quivering slightly. He chewed his bottom lip, a behaviour Raine had often observed in Lloyd, when the red-clad teenager had been a child without a real mother or father at Parent's Evening and Colette kept asking if he was alright.
She moved closer to the mercenary, settling on the earth by his side, and was about to speak, but was beaten by Lloyd.
"He might still be out there somewhere!" the boy insisted, dragging Genis over to complete a very compact circle.
Kratos shook his head slowly as Colette released him. "No," he responded. "If that was so, then I would not reveal myself to him. I would not want to jump into his life now – it has been too long."
"But surely-" Lloyd began a frown quickly conquering his face.
"Would it please you to be reunited with the man who abandoned you as a child?" Kratos retorted, something shining in his eyes – anger, desperation, hope and fear.
"But you didn't abandon your son!" Lloyd protested, Colette nodding along seriously as Raine gently rubbed the mercenary's shoulder. "You just couldn't find him, right?"
"I didn't look hard enough," Kratos responded, his voice cracking slightly and dropping in volume. "I should have looked harder, even if I did end up finding only parts of a mutilated corpse, but I only saw my wife, the Desians and Ll... my son's shoe. I was cowardly." He closed his eyes, clenching his fists harder and harder, repeating louder, "I should've looked harder." He took a great, shuddering breath before continuing, "My son would be better off without me in his life. As long as he's happy; that's all I am concerned with now. I want my son to be safe and happy, and I can work for that."
"That's why you're really on this journey," Raine said softly. "You're not here for the money at all, are you?"
For a moment, Kratos looked up, his eyes boring into hers, open to her. For a moment, emotion was plain to see in them and he looked nothing like the cold, intense mercenary she was used to. He looked like a normal man, like a parent. She could see determination holding him together, unconditional love for the son he had lost but also the deep sorrow and torment of that loss lit up by the tiniest spark of hope.
"I wish to make a better world," he stated, quietly. Raine caught the flash of guilt in his eyes before he dropped them to the shoe that sat forlornly, almost mockingly, in his hands. "I don't wish for any more life to be sacrificed." Then he cleared his throat and stood. "Allow me to help you pack away the cooking equipment."
The mercenary had closed himself off again. As he always did. But Lloyd wasn't having any of it.
"I think we should look for him," he decided. "What's his name? We can ask around in the towns we stop at on the journey.
"No, Lloyd," Kratos rejected, freezing in place with a hand poised to pick up a ladle.
"Why not?" Lloyd demanded. "You want to know if he's happy, right? It's not fair for you to suffer, not knowing. If you were my dad, I'd want to know who you are."
"No, Lloyd," was the firmer response. It seemed to Raine to ooze self-loathing, but the teenager in red didn't pick up on this.
"No what? You don't want to know about him? You don't care anymore? Why don't you tell us his name? You could find him! I wish I could be you. I wish I stood a chance at finding my dad!" Lloyd practically yelled, scowling and pointing angrily.
"I could never stop caring!" Kratos snapped, spinning around to face his apprentice. "That's what it means to be a parent! I will do whatever it takes to make sure my son has the life I haven't and doesn't make my mistakes, and I will never, never stop loving him, even when he hates me, even when I die."
"Then do the right thing," Lloyd urged furiously. "Let us help you find him! Tell us his name!"
"I can't," the mercenary hissed through gritted teeth.
Raine considered moving to interrupt the pair, Genis and Colette remaining sensibly silent, but was prevented from doing so as Lloyd let out a harsh, barking laugh. "If you really cared about him, you wouldn't be saying this. How can you... How can you just... You've got a chance to find him and you won't even take it! It's not fair. There's a kid out there whose with someone else just wishing for his dad to come get him! I waited outside Iselia every night until I was seven for my dad! I thought he might come looking for me and that's the first place he'd look! I only stopped when I realised I couldn't remember what he looked like any more." He swiped angrily at a stray tear as it rolled down his cheek, clenching his fists. "Dad said he was probably dead but I never gave up that he might find me. Please, Kratos. I don't want your kid to be that kid when he could be the kid whose dad does show up, who knows he hasn't been abandoned. Please."
Kratos' face was a horrible mixture of shock and anguish. "He wasn't abandoned," he breathed.
Lloyd repeated, "Then tell us his name, please."
Kratos' eyes were screwed tightly shut as the man in question took a deep, shuddering breath followed by another, without an answer.
"Tell us!" Lloyd snapped.
"Lloyd," the mercenary replied quietly. "I named him Lloyd."
AN: So, any thoughts? Reviews would make my day and any feedback to help me improve is greatly appreciated.
Thanks for reading!
~ThePurpleRose