This is Kate. :)

This is Kate on drugs. 8]

This is Kate at two in the morning, after she came up with the idea for this story. 8$

That's right. Absolutely crazy.

Hence the following.

Enjoy. It was certainly fun to write.

Disclaimer goes to Moby Dick, the Little Mermaid, Micheal Resnick, Louise Rennison, and, of course, Tamora Pierce. And caffeine. The bringer of all that is hyped up in this world.

CHAPTER ONE

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Call me Ishmael.

CHAPTER TWO

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Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, one of the two lady knights in the Realm of Tortall and the first known woman to train as a knight in over four centuries (the other lady knight being Sir Alanna of Olau and Pirate's Swoop, who had cross-dressed for eight years to train as a knight, but we're not talking about her, we're talking about Keladry, called Kel by her friends, and what she did: she) nickered to her strawberry roan gelding, Peachblossom, making him increase his speed to a trot as she rode forwards, closer to her best friend, Sir Nealan of Queenscove; glancing sideways, she saw a bored expression on his face and began to wonder why: was it the fact that they weren't, as yet, going anywhere, or that they had eaten nothing but elderberries and watercress for the last sixteen days, or had the sexual tension between them finally reached it's peak – maybe he would finally kiss her, she thought hopefully, but just then she realized that the reason Neal was so bored was because the first

"Second,"

second sentence of the story they were in was one hundred and eighty eight words long (from "Lady" to "was") and counting.

"Bullseye!" shouted Kel. "That's the reason!"

"Snarfblatt gargleplok," muttered Neal blearily, waking up at Kel's shout. He had fallen asleep somewhere close to elderberries and had therefore completely missed out on the sexual tension explanation.

"What sexual tension?" Neal asked, confused.

OOPS.

Kel looked around, behind some trees that had appeared. "You know, that first

SECOND

second sentence was beyond the Valley of the Extremely Bad and onto the Plains of the Horrible. My Literature priest would have bitten off your wrist and gnawed happily on the bones if he were here."

"Sounds like someone I know!" said Cleon, blissfully unaware of everything.

Kel and Neal stared. "What are you doing here?" Neal finally asked.

"I'm a literary device. I came to make a point concerning someone you don't know!" Cleon cried ecstatically, and returned to Chapter Seventeen where he belonged.

Neal blinked. "You know, this is just a tad bit confusing," he admitted to Kel. "I admit to you, I was lost at the end of the first

"Second

" YES, SECOND

second, no, at the end of the first sentence. I mean, who the hell is Ishmael?" he finished.

IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A WONDERFUL BOOK.

"Well, the name 'Ishmael' may scare some little children," Neal retorted.

"I know it scared me!" said Cleon. He looked stricken. "Oh, right. Sorry," he muttered, and scrambled back to Chapter Seventeen.

"It also scares Cleon. Which means it would scare little children, because Cleon has the brain of a little child. Therefore, you should change the name," Neal concluded, looking pleased with his logic.

NO LITTLE CHILDREN SHOULD BE READING THIS STORY. BUT SINCE YOU'RE HOT, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.

Neal smiled smugly and polished his fingernails on his tunic. "See?" he said pointedly, smirking at Kel. "I told you it was good for something."

Kel sighed, rolled her eyes, and was almost killed by a giant sign reading

CHAPTER ONE

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"Gah!"

Call me

"How about Bob?"

Call me Bob.

"Bob?! That name sucks. To be continued

[It is the wish of the administration to explain that no one should be offended and/or become seriously depressed and try to move to Guam because his/her name is Bob. Or for that matter, any of the following names that are disregarded as "sucky."]

Continuing He should be named Frederick."

Call me Frederick.

"Frederick?! That's even worse! It should be Coel."

WHO IS WRITING THIS STORY?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Call me Cornelius.

Kel and Neal burst into hysterical laughter. "Cornelius?" Kel gasped, beside herself. "Cornelius?"

A giant foot with strangely short and stubby

"Ooh, alliteration!"

YOU SHUSH.

toes appeared in front of the two guffawing knights. It stamped once with anger.

"EEEE!" shrieked Kel, and promptly fell over.

"Hey, big foot. Cool," said Neal, pointing.

YOU TWO ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT. NOW. THIS IS A BORING STORY. YOU ARE IN THE STORY. THEREFORE, YOU MUST DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS AN UN-BORING STORY.

"No way! You can't make me!" shouted Kel.

"Me either!" added Neal. "Besides, if you're so bored, you come down here and do something."

The foot disappeared. A small shout began high up in the clouds.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" thud "Ow."

The small being that had fallen from the sky jumped from the furrow it had created in the ground and ran to Neal. "What have you done?" she cried (for it was apparently a she) as she shook him.

"W-w-w-h-h-o-a-a-r-r-e-y-y-o-o-u-u?" clattered Neal.

The young woman suddenly seemed to get ahold of herself. She stepped back from Neal and brushed her hands on her skirt. "I," she said, "am the Author. You may call me–"

"We know, we know," said Kel. "Call you Cornelius."

The Author planted her hands on her hips. "Do I look like a Cornelius?" she asked them.

They looked at her. She was really short and somewhere in between corpulent and emaciated. Longish brown hair and brown eyes completed her absolutely unspectacular face. She was, however, dressed in a gorgeous green dress.

"No," Kel finally admitted. "You look like a Cornelia."

"Well, I'm not," said the girl crossly. She then immediately jumped out of the way, knowing what was coming next. The sign hit in between her and Kel.

CHAPTER ONE

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"Call me Lydia."

"Wait a minute" Kel said suspiciously. "Call you Lydia? Why call you? Isn't your name Lydia?"

"Eryes?" answered Lydia.

"No it's not. I can tell. You're lying. So what's your name?" Kel told her, hands crossed in front of her chest.

"Er I don't want to."

"You have to!"

"No, I don't.

"Yes, you do!"

"Why?"

"Because I asked."

"So?"

"It would be rude not to answer."

"Oh. Right. It's er Kate."

"Why didn't you want to tell us that? What's wrong with Kate?"

"It means It means It means I'm writing a Mary Sue!"

And with that, Lydia/Kate sat down and began to bawl.

"Uh Lydia/Kate," Neal ventured. "I really don't think this is a Mary Sue. I really don't think it's anything that's ever been done before."

Kate looked up. Her face was all red and blotchy and tearstained. "What bakes you say dat?" she asked with a stuffed up nose.

"Well, first of all, if it was a Mary Sue, you would have been gorgeous. And you're obviously not," he said, ticking off the reasons on his fingers.

"Ex-cuse me?"

"And if it was a Mary Sue, you'd have delicately sobbed, not bawled like that."

"Uh-huh."

"And I'd fall in love with you at first sight."

"You mean you haven't?"

"Sadly, no."

"Any other reasons?"

"Well, I think that if this was a true Mary Sue, you'd be able to control us."

Kate thought about this for a while, then hopped to her feet. "Yay!" she cried. "It's not a Mary Sue!" She started doing a disturbing dance.

"So, if it's not a Mary Sue, do you think you can go now, and let us get back to the story?" asked Kel, somewhat frightened by Kate's display.

"Sure!" Kate said, beaming. "I'm going right now."

She stuck her arms straight up and closed her eyes.

Nothing happened.

"Er" ventured Kel. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get out of the story, silly!" Kate said, rolling her eyes.

"How?"

"By flying away!"

"It doesn't seem to be working," Neal put in.

Kate gasped. "You're right! Oh, no! The first conflict! And that means watch out!" She dove to the side to avoid the

CHAPTER TWO

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sign that landed on top of the old one.

"Help!" cried Kate, running to the sides of the screen. "Help! I'm stuck in this story and I can't get out!"

"Hey! This is good!" cried Kel. "We have an interesting story now!"

"Yes, but I'm not supposed to be in it!" Kate shouted. "I'm supposed to be the one in big black italics! I'm not supposed to be in quotations!"

"Oh," said Kel. "In any case, it's a story now! We may as well finish it."

"Oh, fine," said Kate. "Go wake Neal up, and we'll go on a quest to get me out of my story!"

Kel roused Neal, who had fallen asleep way back at Kate's attempt to fly, and they set off towards Chapter Three.

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Well, that was interesting.

Please leave a review; if I get enough I might possibly be willing to continue! It's definitely a way to get past writer's block.

Farewell, knaves! *gnaws on hunk of cheese*