AN: I have been in a JAG mood lately. I haven't written a JAG story in years and it was under another pen name (shortcake82). Please be kind.
Takes place in season nine while Harm is still with the CIA.
Calypso Restaurant
Clayton Webb holds out a chair for Sarah Mackenzie. She gracefully slips into her seat. Webb settles himself in the chair across from hers. He gives her what he considers his most charming smile.
"Sarah, I'm so glad you agreed to have dinner with me." Mac gives him a slight smile as she looks down for a second before looking back up at Webb.
"Clay, this is just a friendly dinner so I could see how you are doing. You understand that right?"
"Of course. I'm just happy to be sending time with you."
The waiter comes over and takes their drink order. When Webb orders an alcoholic beverage Mac shifts in her seat a little. Normally Mac wouldn't have a problem with someone drinking in front of her, but with the emotional burdens she has been carrying lately it is harder for her not to feel tempted. Harm had always been more considerate in times like these. Mac takes a deep breath. Thoughts of Harm always bring on the lump in her throat and pain in her chest.
The evening was filled with pleasant conversation, and wonderful food. As they were finishing their dessert Mac thought it was the best time to tell Webb her real reason for accepting his dinner invitation.
"Have you heard anything about Harm?" Webb looks at her over the rim of the glass he was drinking from. He slowly puts the glass down, and clears his throat.
"Sarah, you know I can't talk to about this. All that information is…"
"Classified. Yeah, I've heard it before. All I want to know is if he is okay. I haven't heard from him and I'm worried."
"Haven't heard from him? I'm surprised. You two have always been joined at the hip." Mac takes another deep breath and closes her eyes. She opens them but can't make eye contact with him.
"He won't answer my calls." It is true she had been calling and leaving messages for him every day. She looks at Webb again. "Please I just need to know if he's okay." Webb nods.
"I'll see what I can do, Sarah." He takes her hand in his and gives it a squeeze. Mac feels relief to know that he was going to help her.
JAG Headquarters
Mac is sitting at her desk looking over witness accounts for a court martial she has been working on.Her phone rings and she distractedly answers it. "Colonel Mackenzie."
"He is coming home tomorrow." Webb said before he hangs up. Mac slowly puts the phone back down on its base. She is feeling so many emotions that she doesn't know which one to deal with first. Part of her feels like crying in relief. Knowing that he is alive makes her feel like a large weight has been lifted from her shoulders. The not knowing has been killing her little by little every day. Bud knocks on her door frame interrupting her thoughts.
"Ma'am, can I talk to you about the Henderson case?" Mac looks up at him. She is trying hard to get her emotions under control.
"He's safe and coming home tomorrow, Bud." It didn't take the young Lieutenant long to figure out who the Colonel was talking about. After all he had been asking her if she knew anything about the former Commander every other day since he left.
"The Commander coming home Ma'am? That's great. I can't wait to tell Harriet. We have both been so worried." Mac nods her head in agreement.
"I've been worried to Bud." She wonders if this is going to be how she feels every time he has to leave on a mission. Damn CIA.
Harm's Apartment
Harm had gotten home a couple of hours ago. The first thing he did was take a shower. He felt as if he was washing away all the things he had done and seen. The nightmares from Paraguay were still plaguing him, he didn't need new ones. Right now he is sipping a beer and strumming his guitar. Every time he comes home and its quiet he just replays everything that went wrong in the past few months. Being arrested for murder, his friends abandoning him in his time of need, Mac leaving the way she did, and everything that happened in Paraguay. Her words. It will never work. Never. After everything he did for her. Gave up for her. She says never. While he is on missions he is distracted enough that he can forget his pain and sadness. When he is home it's all he can think about. Harm has been trying to keep his thoughts away from a certain brown eyed Marine. Every time he thought of her it felt like someone was punching him in the stomach, and stomping on his heart. Harm puts his guitar down and takes the last swig of his beer. He gets up to get another one when he hears a knock on the door. Walking over to the door Harm looks through the peep hole. There is no one there. Then another knock. Curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the door. Leaning against the door frame was the lanky Marine that is always on his mind. When Harm gives her a curious look. Knowing what he is wondering she says.
"I figured if you saw it was me you wouldn't open the door." He raises an eyebrow at that. They stand and look at each other for a few moments in silence. Harm lets out a deep sigh.
"What are you doing here Mac?" Mac looks around Harm's shoulder and says.
"Aren't you going to invite me it?" Harm steps back and gestures for her to come in. She walks into the apartment and looks around. She sees the bottle of beer on the counter. Harm quickly moves into the kitchen to put the bottle in the recycle bin under the sink. She smiles a little at the gesture. Leave it to Harm to still think about her feelings even when he is mad at her. Mac walks over to the couch and takes a seat. Harm sits in the chair farthest away from her.
"Again, what are you doing here?"
"I left you 18 messages. Why didn't you call me back? I have been worried sick." Harm leans back in his chair and runs his hands down his face.
"I haven't felt like talking. To anyone." Mac moves down to the other side of the couch so that she is closer to him.
"Bud and Harriet have been worried about you to. You should give them a call. I already told Bud you were back in town." Harm cocks his head to the side and gives her another curious look.
"How did you know I was home?" Looking down Mac tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. Harm notices that it has gotten a little longer since the last time he saw her.
"Webb told me." There was the punch to the gut feeling Harm was thinking about earlier. Of course she got her information from Webb. Pillow talk maybe. The thought made him sick to his stomach.
"I'm surprised you were talking about me on a date with Webb. I hope it didn't ruin your evening." The pain in his heart was almost overwhelming. The thought of the two of them together is killing him.
"It wasn't a date. It was dinner between two friends. I wanted to check up on him to make sure he is doing okay. Which I don't think he is. He is drinking a lot. I think in the future it could turn into a problem. But the most important reason I agreed to go to dinner with him was so I could pry information about you from him. He called me yesterday and told me you were coming home. I wanted to see for myself that you are okay. Like I said I've been worried. Working for the CIA isn't the safest job you could have chosen."
"Well as you can see I'm just fine. If there isn't anything else…" He says starting to stand up.
"I think we need to talk." Harm sits back down and sighs.
"What do we need to talk about? I thought you said it all in Paraguay." That was a blow Mac knows she deserves. She knows she hurt him, and isn't proud of the way she acted.
"Why didn't you return my calls?" A long deep sigh comes out of Harm as if he is being deflated. He doesn't want to have this conversation. He doesn't want to talk to her at all. The pain is still too fresh for him.
"I already told you I didn't want to talk to anyone." Mac wasn't surprised by his answer. It is typical Harm.
"Why? We are your friends. We care about you and want to help. I understand you not wanting to talk to me, but what about Bud and Harriet?" It looks like they are going to have this conversation if Harm wants to or not.
"They reminded me of JAG. Of everything I had lost. I just wanted to move on without dwelling on the past. I will contact them when it doesn't hurt so much." Mac closes her eyes fighting back the tears that she felt coming. The guilt she felt was consuming her. He gave up everything for her, and it's her fault he is in pain now.
"We should talk about that. You gave up everything to save me and now you won't even talk to me. I know I said that we could never have a relationship, but I didn't think that it meant we couldn't be friends. I never wanted to lose your friendship. You mean everything to me. You have been the one constant in my life." Now Harm closed his eyes but not to fight back tears. He was trying to control his emotions. If he didn't this conversation would just end in a fight and them saying hurtful things to each other. It was their pattern and he was tired of it. When he opened them he refused to look at her.
"I don't want to fight anymore. Last time I saw you that's all we seemed to be able to do." That was the truth. But the biggest reason was he couldn't get the never out of his head. She broke his heart down there and seeing her was making it worse. Mac knows from her past experiences with Harm that pushing only made things worse but she needed answers to her questions. She knows he won't tell her unless she pushes.
"You never answered my question back in Paraguay. Why did you give up everything to save me? The Navy is everything to you. It's a part of who you are. Why did you give it all up?" The only thing Harm wanted to do was run. She can't be seriously asking him this. They had already been over this. She wants answers he will give her answers. He just needs it all to stop. This endless cycle of pain they cause each other.
"You once asked me what I would give up to have you. Mic gave up the Navy and his country, remember that?" She slowly nods unable to speak. "I thought it was obvious. Do I really need to spell out my reasons to you?" Mac doesn't know what to say. She hadn't thought about the question she had once asked him in so long.
"Are you saying you gave up everything that means something to you to be with me?"
"I'm saying that the thought of losing you forever made staying in the Navy seem like nothing. Your life is more import than anything. It still is. I regret nothing even if it ended with my heart getting broken." The guilt and pain shot through Mac's heart. She never meant to break his heart or her own. The fighting was just too much. They were ripping each other apart.
"I never meant to break your heart, Harm. We were attacking each other." She stops and looks at him. "Why were you so angry with me? You came there to save my life I would think you would be happy to see me, but all you could was send venomous words my way. What did I do to deserve that?" He can't believe she has to ask. Okay so maybe he went a little too far, but he was only reacting to her. She wasn't exactly playing nice.
"Sorry but I wasn't exactly thrilled to see you kiss Webb after I had just given up everything and risked my life to save yours. Maybe I was a little bitter about the fact I missed my chance with you again." If he was being honest with himself he knows he shouldn't have taken his anger with himself out on her. "I'm sorry. The fact I blew my chance with you again is only my fault alone. But you didn't have to kiss him right in front of me. It reminded me of the airport in Australia all over again."
"Again? When was the first time you blew your chance?"
"Sydney harbor. You may not believe me, but I will regret that moment for the rest of my life. Maybe I've had too many chances. It shouldn't have taken me 8 years and a near death experience for me to tell you how I feel. I'm sorry I was too late again. I hope Webb can make you happy." Mac takes a deep breath out of frustration. This man will be the end of her.
"First, you still haven't told me how you feel about me. Second, I told you Clay and I are just friends. They is nothing more than that between us. He may want more, but I don't. You are right it shouldn't have taken you eight years. If you had come to me any time in those eight years I would have been open to exploring a relationship with you. I still am." Harm whips his head around to look over at her. He is surprised by her words. They contradict everything she said a few months ago in Paraguay.
"You said never, Mac. You said we it would never work between us. Trust me I remember every painful word. What changed?"
"I was angry and hurt. Not to mention I just went through hell. I didn't mean it. Just like I didn't mean every other hurtful thing I said to you. Can you forgive me? Can we work this out?" She plead with him. She needs him in her life. All she has ever wanted was to be loved by him.
"I forgive you, Mac. I understand that we both said some things we didn't mean out of anger."
"So we can to make this work, this thing between us?" As much as Harm wants to be in a relationship with Mac he knows he's just not ready. They aren't ready.
"Mac, I don't think we are there just yet. This conversation doesn't magically fix all hurt we have caused each other. And I'm not just talking about Paraguay. I think we need some time to really work on healing the pain we have caused each other." Even though it hurt to hear it Mac knows he's right. They have done a lot of damage to their relationship. Paraguay just made worse what had already been set in motion. They need time to re-build the things in their relationship that they had broken.
"I understand. I guess I should go. I'm sure you're probably tired." She stood up and starts walking over to the door. Stopping next to his chair she puts her hand on his shoulder. "Promise me you will be careful out there. When you come home give me a call so I know you made it back alive." She gets to the door and just as she puts her hand on the knob he says.
"Maybe we can have dinner tomorrow night." Mac smiles.
"I'd like that. I'll call you and let you know when I'll be done with work. You better answer." Mac leaves and Harm sits there with a smile on his face and hope in his heart.
AN/ I hope this was okay. I always blamed Mac for all the crap that went down in Paraguay and after. I tried to not blame everything on her in this story though. They both screwed it all up. The only ones to really blame are the writers and producers.