The world isn't mine anymore.
Life was never easy to sail through. I'll be the first to admit that, flat out. But the way things have piled up lately are just unfair.
I look over to John. His eyes are shut, his own atmosphere asleep. He's asleep. Ironically, we went to bed at the same time. Nine o'clock. One hour after we got home, an hour and twenty minutes after my shift ended.
One beam of light, cast from a single streetlamp, wanders across the eiderdown. Meeting my feet at the end, in all modesty, and continuing to the floor. Where I can't see it. I play with the comforter, my fingers pressing into the stitching and then profusely throwing it away. The back of my head gently hits the headboard behind me, the blank and solid wood probably of symbolizing-sort tonight. I hate that single sting of light, I realize. The longer I stare at it, the longer I know it will take me to tear my eyes away from it.
In all this quiet, the only thing I can hear is his breathing, mine, and the dull dripping of a broken faucet in the bathroom. I shudder. I try to think where I went wrong in my life. My head stirs inside a bit as I look to my side. My heart drops even further at the site of him resting. I'm barely being what he expects of me. And I know he has that right to expect *just that* of me. To be his girlfriend. To be by his side, and everything else.
His hand sits on my thigh. Subtlety in all of its hearty nature. My fingers glide over him, pretending to myself that it is a mistake. I wish, in some ways, that I wasn't so attached to him. Mainly because I haven't been to any man for a long time, and its been working for me. I think back, months ago, to when I used to frown to my own pillow, alone in the dark. Or the light. It didn't make any difference. I thought for the longest time that I didn't need any man in my life. The only reason I had any, I would have guessed, was to suggest myself 'normal' to the rest of the world.
But now, I have Carter. I can't imagine my world without him *now.* I can't lie and say I didn't recognize that spark between us. I can't lie and say I don't recognize it now.
But my world is so hollow besides this romance between us. The rest of my life is falling apart, and I'm afraid that it will darken upon us now. After all of the moments we've had together. The talks at night, the smiles, the kisses. Now, because my brother shows up in Chicago, it could take a toll on this relationship that I'm actually proud of.
I didn't think I'd have to make this choice like I do now.
I glance over to him again. I wonder when things got so awful. When it took so much conscious decision on one person's part.
I'm so sick of wondering.
"What's wrong?"
My eyes descend into the pit of blankets. He stares back up at me, weary- eyed. I'd been staring into space so long. Whether he noticed it or not - well I hope he didn't. I hope he can't read my mind like he always does. Not right now, not tonight. I don't want anyone to touch this subject but me.
"Nothing," I whisper. It's a clear lie. It won't be long before my shoulder turns to him again. I know it.
"Can't sleep?" he asks, sitting up next to me.
My eyes close. "I'm not tired." I'm trying desperately to make this situation sound innocent. Its not easy, really.
He comes closer. His face turns to mine, and his arm is draped around my shoulders. I resist the urge to fall into him. Its not exactly ethical in my state. At least in my opinion, anyway. I'm not the type of girl who fakes, and he knows that, so he gathers me into him. I don't turn away now though. And I'm not really faking, or pretending, or acting. He's warm, and he's Carter. That's good enough for me.
"What happened?"
"With what?"
He sighs. Serves me right for acting smart. I don't like it when he's frustrated with me, but yet I continue the charade. I hate that damn dance. But I waltz it anyway. "With your brother. With Maggie."
I contemplate the difficulty of simply stepping out of this bed. It wouldn't be hard. At least not physically. "I already told you." It's a hint, justly made. I have a feeling, rising in the middle of my throat, that he won't take it.
"I'm just trying," he begins, breathing the words out heavily. "I'm trying to be here for you."
I force a smile. For a while, I'm convinced I have done a pretty good job. "You are here for me." I kiss him lightly, but he doesn't respond.
Obviously, the smile has failed.
I pull away slowly, glancing up and into his eyes again. They're heartbreaking. The look I wish he never wore.
I tear away from him. My body twists under the covers, into a new position. My back is fully cast in my direction. Immediately, the feeling of regret falls into me. I wish I had never done that. For a minute, I have a feeling he'll attempt to come to me again.
But when his body sinks into the mattress, I have a feeling some things may never be same. At least not for a while.
I pray that it won't be any longer than that.
I pray that it won't be at all.
--
New series, I think. Very short, but it'll be a new series. :)
mandy
Life was never easy to sail through. I'll be the first to admit that, flat out. But the way things have piled up lately are just unfair.
I look over to John. His eyes are shut, his own atmosphere asleep. He's asleep. Ironically, we went to bed at the same time. Nine o'clock. One hour after we got home, an hour and twenty minutes after my shift ended.
One beam of light, cast from a single streetlamp, wanders across the eiderdown. Meeting my feet at the end, in all modesty, and continuing to the floor. Where I can't see it. I play with the comforter, my fingers pressing into the stitching and then profusely throwing it away. The back of my head gently hits the headboard behind me, the blank and solid wood probably of symbolizing-sort tonight. I hate that single sting of light, I realize. The longer I stare at it, the longer I know it will take me to tear my eyes away from it.
In all this quiet, the only thing I can hear is his breathing, mine, and the dull dripping of a broken faucet in the bathroom. I shudder. I try to think where I went wrong in my life. My head stirs inside a bit as I look to my side. My heart drops even further at the site of him resting. I'm barely being what he expects of me. And I know he has that right to expect *just that* of me. To be his girlfriend. To be by his side, and everything else.
His hand sits on my thigh. Subtlety in all of its hearty nature. My fingers glide over him, pretending to myself that it is a mistake. I wish, in some ways, that I wasn't so attached to him. Mainly because I haven't been to any man for a long time, and its been working for me. I think back, months ago, to when I used to frown to my own pillow, alone in the dark. Or the light. It didn't make any difference. I thought for the longest time that I didn't need any man in my life. The only reason I had any, I would have guessed, was to suggest myself 'normal' to the rest of the world.
But now, I have Carter. I can't imagine my world without him *now.* I can't lie and say I didn't recognize that spark between us. I can't lie and say I don't recognize it now.
But my world is so hollow besides this romance between us. The rest of my life is falling apart, and I'm afraid that it will darken upon us now. After all of the moments we've had together. The talks at night, the smiles, the kisses. Now, because my brother shows up in Chicago, it could take a toll on this relationship that I'm actually proud of.
I didn't think I'd have to make this choice like I do now.
I glance over to him again. I wonder when things got so awful. When it took so much conscious decision on one person's part.
I'm so sick of wondering.
"What's wrong?"
My eyes descend into the pit of blankets. He stares back up at me, weary- eyed. I'd been staring into space so long. Whether he noticed it or not - well I hope he didn't. I hope he can't read my mind like he always does. Not right now, not tonight. I don't want anyone to touch this subject but me.
"Nothing," I whisper. It's a clear lie. It won't be long before my shoulder turns to him again. I know it.
"Can't sleep?" he asks, sitting up next to me.
My eyes close. "I'm not tired." I'm trying desperately to make this situation sound innocent. Its not easy, really.
He comes closer. His face turns to mine, and his arm is draped around my shoulders. I resist the urge to fall into him. Its not exactly ethical in my state. At least in my opinion, anyway. I'm not the type of girl who fakes, and he knows that, so he gathers me into him. I don't turn away now though. And I'm not really faking, or pretending, or acting. He's warm, and he's Carter. That's good enough for me.
"What happened?"
"With what?"
He sighs. Serves me right for acting smart. I don't like it when he's frustrated with me, but yet I continue the charade. I hate that damn dance. But I waltz it anyway. "With your brother. With Maggie."
I contemplate the difficulty of simply stepping out of this bed. It wouldn't be hard. At least not physically. "I already told you." It's a hint, justly made. I have a feeling, rising in the middle of my throat, that he won't take it.
"I'm just trying," he begins, breathing the words out heavily. "I'm trying to be here for you."
I force a smile. For a while, I'm convinced I have done a pretty good job. "You are here for me." I kiss him lightly, but he doesn't respond.
Obviously, the smile has failed.
I pull away slowly, glancing up and into his eyes again. They're heartbreaking. The look I wish he never wore.
I tear away from him. My body twists under the covers, into a new position. My back is fully cast in my direction. Immediately, the feeling of regret falls into me. I wish I had never done that. For a minute, I have a feeling he'll attempt to come to me again.
But when his body sinks into the mattress, I have a feeling some things may never be same. At least not for a while.
I pray that it won't be any longer than that.
I pray that it won't be at all.
--
New series, I think. Very short, but it'll be a new series. :)
mandy