Warnings: Yaoi, rape, some language.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-gi-oh.

Ready For Life

It all started ten years ago, well I suppose it started before then but I can't tell you something I do not know. I can tell you about that spring, the spring when I was fifteen and living with my boyfriend Bakura, or that's what everyone knew him as. Dad was always away at work so we were left alone almost all the time and I ended up taking school through mail courses at home. I never got to do it until dad came home, when father wasn't around Bakura would… he would preoccupy me.

Father didn't know much about our physical relationship so I wasn't surprised that he didn't notice anything about us. He saw us kiss and he saw us curled up together on the couch, he didn't see what we were really like when he wasn't around. How could I tell him the truth of it all?

Anyhow, like I said, it was spring and Dad was just leaving from a visit. I was surrounded by love so I didn't notice anything, I was a fool caught up in something fake. I was so happy that I was able to laugh along with my father and Bakura as we loaded the car. Bakura was happy as well, he was joking with my father and then they gave each other a friendly hug.

I, in turn, gave my father a hug and smiled brightly at him; and I remember he kissed my forehead, "Take care, Ryou and," He held me closely, "you too Bakura. Good-bye."

"Good luck Dad!" I said happily as he climbed into his car and then started the engine, "Bye!" I waved to the retreating car and it vanished down the street. I mentally relived the last few weeks.

My friends and I went out to the movies, the beach, Bakura and I want to a fancy restaurant, we cuddled on the couch with soft touches and gentle kisses, and then the pain… the extreme pain! I could remember distant screaming and an empty beige room… I suppressed it; it must have been a reoccurring dream.

I turned to my boyfriend, smiling all the while, and he took me into his arms. We kissed while we stood in the doorway and I held tightly to him while he spoke. "Oh Ryou," He said in a singsong voice. I looked up at him, something about the way he spoke unnerved me. I wasn't so sure I wanted to be pressed to his body and held in his strong arms.

"Yes Bakura?" I slowly looked into his eyes, they were always that wonderful dark brown and within there was a certain softness; at times it was more apparent than others but it always surprised me to see it there. I didn't know why, it just didn't fit him to have soft eyes, but I didn't mind. I also didn't mind when he pulled me to his chest but kept his eyes firmly locked on mine.

"Did you have fun with your Daddy?" He must have been toying with me, in a way, to ask me in such an unfitting, childish tone. He pulled back and glanced over my figure.

"Yes I did." It was true that I love to spend time with my father, but I loved much more the time I spent with Bakura. We must have looked absolutely perfect together because I sure felt that we belonged in each other's embrace. I enjoyed every sweet kiss he gave me when I woke by his side in the mornings. Every taste and touch left me begging for more. Maybe I just clung to him too much, but it was too much for me to let go, I didn't want to feel alone.

We did other things as a couple too. We went to the movies, sometimes Dad or my friends came along, and Bakura would have his arms around me and at every moment we weren't occupied he'd kiss me gently. I'd have my head against his chest and a hand gently placed on his neck. To the slow beating of his heart I'd fall asleep.

He'd wake me at the end of the show and we'd then go out to dinner. We'd feed each other and people would send us the oddest of looks; Bakura usually glared and growled until they got embarrassed or frightened and backed off. In the end it didn't matter what they thought, it was just the two of us in a world of bliss.

When we were satisfied we'd walk home, hand in hand, and enjoy the silence except for the simple huff of the other's breath. He'd rub little circles over my hand and tightened his grip on me if anyone were to pass; if they were checking me out he'd claim my lips in a powerful and bruising, but loving, kiss to prove that I was his. I simply loved how possessive he was of me.

We'd get home and then sit on the roof, we watched the sunset and once it was gone we'd enjoy the glimmering moon and the sparkling stars. He'd have me pulled closely to him and he'd whisper sweet things about how I glowed in the night like a firefly; and sometimes he'd get me to dance across the lawn as if I were. Eventually it'd get late and we'd seem to be suddenly filled with lust, so he'd take my shirt away and place little kisses all over until I begged for more. Of course Father wouldn't have been pleased if he saw that his son was on the roof having sex

I can remember one particular night very well. I saw a shooting star. My eyes drifted slowly to Bakura's sleeping form and I knew exactly what to wish for even though I couldn't remember the truth:

'Please, let Bakura stay this way.'

"Come on, Hikari." Bakura said while he pulled away from me and sauntered back into the house, I followed him. Now that Dad was gone things would soon be back to normal, but that was the absolute farthest thing from my mind. You see I had masked Bakura's true self with his fake self. I considered what were memories as nightmares, "The day's been nearly wasted away." He laughed lightly, "It's nearly time for dinner."

"I'll get making it then!" I smiled brightly and turned to the kitchen, but he caught my wrist and spun me back into his chest for a long kiss, he didn't let go until I was utterly breathless and nearly limp in his arms.

"See you at dinner." He helped me steady myself, then patted my head, and walked off to watch TV.

I set to work and then we ate. It was the usual of us feeding each other; and Bakura seemed to enjoy it more than usual. I'm sure he only enjoyed it because it would be his last meal, for a while, that would be cooked by me. He'd have to find his own food and eat alone. I liked to think that his cherishing of these moments meant that he valued me as much as I did him.

"Eat as much as you can, Hikari." He told me this while taking the food I held out for him. He took it slowly and I sat staring at him for a long while before I realized that I was.

"I will…" I said timidly while I brushed my silvery hair from my russet eyes. His only response was to smirk and hold out some food for me to take.

After dinner we had a little water war while washing the dishes, of course I was the one to lose but it didn't really matter; it led to half done dishes and a half naked me. We dried off and then sat down on the couch together, like at the movies he had his arms around me and I had my head resting in the groove of his neck. He was so calm that it didn't seem possible; he was contented with his half-lidded eyes fixed on the TV and his chest rising against my head every five seconds. I thought we were both truly happy then and completely comfortable.

His hands lightly stroked my hair and he hummed a short tune before looking down at me and waiting until he caught my eyes, "Hikari," He said slowly; and all at once the peaceful mood was shattered. He seemed too calm and dangerous, eerie like the eye of a hurricane, "Ready for life?"

"N-No." I was scared; right then I remembered that the nightmares I'd been suppressing weren't nightmares at all! They were memories of what my life was truly like. I wanted to scream and run away, but I was still confident that the memories were a nightmare. I was sure I must have fallen asleep on the couch.

I would wake up screaming and Bakura would hold me and press kisses against my neck until I calmed down, and then he'd tell me I was dreaming and I'd clutch onto his shirt. Then he'd carry me up to bed and we'd fall asleep with him kissing away my fear. The next morning I'd awake to the same treatment as the previous days, "P-Please… not yet; just a little longer?"

"I guess…" He turned back to the movie and settled down next to me.

"Forever…" I mumbled, "One day I'll never have to go back." If we hadn't been sitting so close he wouldn't have heard me, but he did and he smirked nearly invisibly.

"Maybe Hikari. Just know forever is probably forever away and this is a dream. You have to go back to life sooner or later." I could only nod, he was right… but I hated to admit it, "Now go to sleep; tomorrow's a… busy day for you."

So I curled up into his arms and he began to pet me again. I almost didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to wake up to a nightmare, but he was right again, I needed to sleep. So I let his gentle touches clear my mind and take me deep into sleep.

---

I awoke and tried to stretch, only to realize that I couldn't really move one way or another; and that's when it clicked. Bakura had moved me back to my room. For most people their room is a sanctuary, somewhere to simply live and think. For me it was quite different. I hated my room and I normally avoided it at all costs. Even when father was home and Bakura had it disguised as an actual room, I couldn't stand it.

My room consisted of hopelessness trapped in beige walls, a shattered heart absorbed into the old off-white carpet, and the center of attraction was me; shaking and bound to the wall.

I faced the horrible beige walls and my hands were bound to the wall above my head. From there my body hung and was pulled out a few feet at my legs, which were spread enough to accommodate him; and I was unclothed. I fought against the ropes around my wrists and ankles; I couldn't have been more afraid right then. This was a dream; I made sure to tell myself that. Bakura would never do this; he loved me… he had to love me!

But this was the truth, he didn't love me; he didn't, but all I could recall were his soft fingers brushing against my skin and his sweet voice confessing his love for his "Sweet little Hikari." My heart fluttered at the thought and I wasn't too afraid for a while, but then I began to realize that this wasn't a dream. I wouldn't let it sink in. I prayed to the gods to allow me to wake up or to send Bakura to me to unwrap the harsh rope from my slender wrists. He could comfort me, kiss me, and apologize for frightening me; and I'd forgive him because I was so deeply in love. I was a naïve dreamer.

I finally determined that he wasn't coming to free me so I began to reassure myself again; some were recalled memories of him holding me, but words were better, "I-I-It's a-a d-dre-am!" I sobbed, "J-Just a d-dream, w-wake up R-Ryou." I hiccupped and tried to awaken myself; it failed, of course, because I was already awake.

"You can't wake up Ryou." Bakura whispered in my ear. It startled me, I hadn't heard him enter or even breathe, "It's not a dream, and it's never a dream." He gently let a hand fall down my spine. I moved into the touch, it was just too wonderful not to.

"B-But…" I hung my head, "it has to be a dream."

"This is life Ryou. We go through this every time. Your happiness is a dream." He seemed to force the thought on me and I remembered again the suppressed sound of distant screaming. He succeeded in getting the thought stuck in my head; I was his little sex slave, not his shy innocent lover. I wanted to scream my heart out from the pain, fear, and sorrow; but he'd make me scream and whimper in a short while so I kept quiet.

"Please, no more…" I whispered, but it was impossible to rid my voice of the tremble and gasps for breath, "I don't think I can stand it."

"You always do though. You'll be fine." I heard him move and he took his place between my legs.

"N-NO!" I shouted, "I can't! I want it the other way! I want to be happy! Please don't! I'd rather live a dream than this!" I grew quieter, slightly embarrassed for what I was about to admit, "I-If you weren't so busy hurting me, I-I'd let you t-take me. W-We could both be happy." He leaned forward and kissed down my neck to the small of my back and then nipped my skin all the way back up again. He placed his lips at my ear, "I like seeing you hurt, and I like it when you cry. This is what makes me happy, not your dream."

I should have stayed quiet but I couldn't, "Y-You don't like it at all the o-other way?" I was shaking; his touch was so soft, yet his words were so cold… I was completely confused. If he truly loved my pain would he be pressing such soft kisses against my skin? Wouldn't I be a bloody mess by now?

"Everything's a show Ryou, you buy so easily into my lies; just like everyone else. It's fun to see how easily you fall back in love with me, all so you can feel happy and loved."

"I like being happy…" He laughed at me and gripped my hips, "Please Bakura," I choked, this was my last attempt at convincing him, "I don't—you can't—Oh! Bakura please!" It didn't matter to him how much I begged, it probably just turned him on more, when he wanted me, he never cared about me. He just did what he wanted and that was usually me.

---

The only person who seemed to care, and who knew about Bakura, was Marik. He was my best friend and I trusted him completely. He'd visit often, even when father was gone, and he'd usually comfort me until I fell asleep. For some reason I didn't know, Bakura trusted Marik.

Marik usually wrapped me up in his arms and calmed me with his wonderful voice, "Ryou," He'd say, "I'm sorry."

"I-It's not your fault M-Marik."

"No, Ryou." Marik was once worse than Bakura, so it seemed strange to me at first that he could be caring, gentle, and soft. It was hard to believe that he was ever bad. "It is my fault, and if I could save you now I would. I can't, not now; but I promise I'll set you free." I could feel immense hope! I was sure Marik would save me and we could run off together with Malik. I would be safe, truly safe; and that's something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

I usually cried myself to sleep in Marik's arms, sometimes I'd wake up and he's be sprawled out on the bloodstained carpet; it was nice to see that, it meant that he cared.

---

September 2nd is my birthday, and it's one of the few times where I was treated exactly how I wanted to be. For a single day I was Bakura's lover. Actually his lover!

We'd act like a newly married couple; he'd come up and kiss me and run his hands along my body. He'd tease me and find places on my body I hadn't known were ticklish, and I'd laugh so hard that I'd almost be unable to hear his deep voice chuckling along with mine. It was nice to be together like that, it was such a rare sound for either of us. Laughter was just for the sake of being happy instead of Bakura's usual booming tone.

We'd stay in each other's arms for hours and I'd listen to the slow beating of his heart. We'd cuddle up together and I'd rest my head against his chest while he stroked my hair. I'd nearly doze off, but he'd tilt my head up to meet his lips. He always kissed me so deeply that I felt as if my heart had been set on fire, but cooled off just enough by his love. "Hikari," He fixed me with his soft eyes and I stared back with a soft smile of my own, "I love you."

That's what he said to me that day, and I believed him! Oh, it's so wonderful to hear those words when you've never expected to hear them. It's wonderful to feel that you've been accepted into the life of someone you love with those little words when you thought it wasn't possible for them to ever leave his lips. I was so excited that I held him as close as I ever had, "I love you too, Bakura!"

I should have died right then! If only I could have, I would have been saved so much pain. I would have died the happiest man alive! But that never happened. We simply carried on into a world of pleasure; I was more than willing to give myself to him.

---

About a month later I awoke to the sound of approaching footsteps and voices. One was Bakura, for sure, and the other was deadly quiet. I could only tell that it was male, but I knew that I'd know soon enough.

I kept my gaze on the wall, I knew he'd probably smack me one for looking. He hated to see my eyes; I liked to think it was because he hated the pleading look I gave him. He couldn't stand to see me look at him every time he took me. He just couldn't stand to see how sad I looked as he forced his way inside me.

They had grown quiet by now and I was getting completely unnerved. I could almost feel Bakura's smirk as he approached me. He ran his hand down my back. "So, you know how it works," He said to the other, "Don't talk to, please, or prepare him." Bakura paused in his speech and his movements. I knew he was watching the stranger as his clothes hit the floor one piece after the other, "He'll be much tighter for you." It sickened me to hear Bakura talk like that, but what was worse was the sound of them kissing… Bakura was having relations with someone else. Bakura left shortly after that and the least of my worries now was their kiss.

I wanted to scream as the stranger moved closer. I was afraid and tense; Bakura was the only one to ever take me, so I didn't know what would happen to me. All I could do was hang there shaking. The stranger was sure to hurt me. I prayed that he wouldn't, but I knew that Bakura wouldn't have brought someone to me who would treat me like someone special.

The stranger was bigger and rougher too. It was impossible not to scream and struggle, and it was impossible to stay awake once he left, but I'm glad I passed out. I know that I would have heard both of them moaning if I were awake and I would have begged the gods to let me be in the stranger's place. I would have given anything! I simply wanted Bakura to love me…

---

The stranger returned for more and I could tell by the way Bakura acted around him that they were getting more and more intimate with each other. It came to the point that I knew why Bakura loved him and not me. I was too small and grotesque and the stranger was strong and big… I was willing to bet he was extremely handsome too. I was just their little whore who was nice and tight; I wasn't worthy of Bakura's perfect love. I just couldn't understand why I was here at all. He hated me, as far as I could tell, so why couldn't he just toss me out in the streets instead of pretending to love me? Why did he have to hurt me?

---

I guess they grew bored of taking turns with me. So, probably by Bakura's suggestion, they were going to take me together instead. Bakura came up in front of me and entered me first. I whimpered and pressed myself against him, he actually tried to kiss my fears away.

I could hear the stranger come up behind me even as I buried my face into Bakura's neck. I became aware of what was going to happen to me. I broke into sobs and pressed myself even closer to Bakura. I wanted him to hide me! I wanted him to protect me! I wanted to be his and only his! He could have done anything to me; he should have protected me from him.

"B-Bakura! Oh- oh gods! D-don't let him! P-Please don't let him!" I tried to pull from the ropes to wrap my arms around him and I shook my head against his shoulder. "I-I'm re-really a-afraid! Y-You want that, r-right? I-I'll do anything! Just don't l-let him, plea—"

I screamed loudly and threw my head back from Bakura's neck to scream in the stranger's ear. If I hadn't closed my eyes I would have seen him, but I didn't get the chance to even try because I was pulled to Bakura for a kiss. It was probably the worst physical pain I ever felt, and I passed out quickly. The worst part is that it isn't the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Yes, this was far from the worst thing I've ever felt.

"I'll leave you two alone." Bakura shut the door and I was left alone with the stranger once more. By this time I had lost all sense of time, but it was probably only a week or so since I had endured the pain they both put me through. Bakura had taken care of me though so I felt better; I was beginning to decide he was actually starting to like me. Of course that was natural for me by then and was totally false.

The stranger raped me again. I was still very sore, so I nearly couldn't stand it, and he still hung around. Normally he just left quickly, but this time he stayed and waited for me to catch my breath.

And then he spoke, "Ryou, I'm sorry." My breath hitched and I broke down and cried. It was so devastating to hear. I screamed as he wrapped me up in his arms, but there was nothing at all he could do to sooth me.

"WHY?" I screamed at him, "W-Why Marik?"

I don't think he could have said anything even if he wanted to; he simply collapsed into sobs on the stained carpet.

Eventually he managed to gather himself and make his way to the door, but he didn't leave me without another apology. I never saw Marik again.

---

I cried for months and it was impossible for me to stop, but at least Bakura was kind enough to leave me alone. RA! All I wanted was my best friend and my lover back! I wanted Marik's promise of freedom and Bakura's soft loving touch. They loved me… but I guess I never knew the true Marik and Bakura; everything I thought I knew was a terrible lie!

That really wasn't true; they were all that I thought they were… they just didn't do things right. I learned all of this about a month after Marik vanished.

Dad had come for another visit and, upon Bakura's request, they had gone out to 'get to know each other.' So they left me alone to be as depressed as usual and try to do my schoolwork. I had long since given up crying but I found it impossible to communicate with anyone beyond a few words. Not even Bakura could comfort me.

I still got visitors, and it was Malik who came to visit. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him; he and Marik just had to look so similar. It nearly made me sick to see him sitting there, "I'm sorry Ryou." Malik was hanging his head but that didn't prevent me from getting a quick glance at him.

Malik was crying and I couldn't help but place his violet eyes to the mournful ones of Marik. He must have looked that devastated when he confessed that he was the stranger I had spent… so much time with. I couldn't stand to see those violet pools overflowing so I looked away, "Why are you sorry?" I whispered. He was the first person I had said much more than 'Hi.' to.

"M-Marik's dead." He told me, "He… He killed himself."

I looked at him coldly, I did feel sorry for him having lost someone close to him, but at that time I didn't really care, "I don't care, Malik, not after what they did—" I couldn't bring myself to continue… I knew it would upset Malik and I didn't want to do that to him.

"I-I know you shouldn't care… he did a horrible thing." Malik knew. Marik must have told him; at least he saved me from one thing, "He was really sorry, you know."

"Stop it, Malik." I kept my eyes downcast, "Don't try to help me. I can't bear to have another 'friend.' I'm sorry that he's dead; after all you needed him, like I did. But he's gone now and so are all my hopes. Just go away Malik, I have nothing left for you."

Malik rose from his seat and kneeled in front of mine, he took my hands and looked at me with his sparkly, tear-filled eyes; but he was still strong. He hadn't been destroyed by the people he cared for. "I won't let Bakura hurt you anymore. Come on Ryou." He pulled me to my feet and toward the door; I just didn't seem to have the strength to resist, and I had given up my words. Malik pulled me right into Bakura.

"Going out, Ryou?" Bakura asked.

"He's feeling down," Malik started; he was good at lying, but Bakura could sense my fear, "I'm getting his spirits up."

Bakura studied us for a while and then pulled me into a deep kiss. I savored it; I wasn't sure if it would be my last one. Then he leant down and whispered in my ear, "Ready for life, Hikari?" I was frozen in fear; those words could only mean one thing: Dad was leaving! He would take me back to life in that horrible beige room and take me! I shivered inside but remained perfectly still otherwise, "Have fun then, Sweets." Bakura purred as Malik dragged me away. I thought for sure Bakura would have stopped us…

I didn't think he knew, but Bakura knew Malik wasn't planning on bringing me back. He could read me so easily, but what gets me is why he didn't stop us. I think that's what Bakura wanted all along, he wanted me to escape him and tried to hurt me to get me to leave; and Marik was used to help. Malik confirmed my suspicions when he told me what Marik had told him.

OH! IF ONLY I KNEW! I could have saved myself the pain of loving a sadist and befriending a deceiver. If I knew Bakura wanted me to escape (but his pride held him back), I would have left all those sweet kisses behind… If I had left on that first tortured night, I might have had a chance.

After all this time, my thoughts are still attracted to those two; I think of the blissful nights in Bakura's arms and the comforting voice of Marik and his promise of freedom. Mostly I remember how I learned Bakura took his own life, and that he left a note professing his love for me.

I think I've forgiven the both of them; after all, they are still a part of me. They are a memory that I can't forget, that I wouldn't bother to forget. They no longer hinder my future, but sometimes I wonder if I was a fool for loving them.

---END---

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Did you understand what happened? Please Review. Thanks.