"It seems that it's your destiny to suffer."
Sunstar's words are ringing in my ears constantly as I moll over the recent events: Tigerclaw had just tried to kill me. With the help of other cats, he managed to raid the ThunderClan camp and nearly took my last life, had it not been for Fireheart's interference.
. . . Fireheart . . . Why had I not listened to him? I had seen Tigerclaw during his days as an apprentice under Thistleclaw – the things I'd seen him do, especially to that black kit. Since his warrior ceremony I made myself believe Tigerclaw was a hostile, yet loyal warrior.
Now I see I am wrong.
My paws feel cold as ice as I lay down in my partly ruined nest in the den just under Highrock. The Clan is repairing our camp, and I am laying here; my eyes are wide, I am slightly trembling. Why must this happen?
With a bout of bitterness I think about how I could have prevented it if I'd just investigated Fireheart's claim a little bit more. He'd told me, right then and there, as we were heading for the Gathering. He'd explained why Ravenpaw had disappeared; his life was in peril with Tigerclaw threatening to kill him if he ever told who truly killed Redtail.
I'm staring at the cavernous wall and can't help but think of Sunstar's words again.
"It seems that it's your destiny to suffer."
My mother, Moonflower, had died in a raid on WindClan.
My sister, Snowfur, had been hit by a monster as she chased some ShadowClan warriors across the thunderpath.
I couldn't see Oakheart, the only tom I loved, for more than one night, knowing we could never work when we belonged to two different Clans.
My youngest kit, Mosskit, died in the cold as I took my litter toward RiverClan so that they may have a better life there – with their father. Since then I have never seen them beyond Gatherings and battles.
Is it true? Am I really destined to live such a cruel existence whereas everyone I love leaves me one way or another?
I look up and, though I cannot see Silverpelt from under Highrock, I can't help but glare. Why must I suffer so, StarClan? I followed Goosefeather's prophecy as best as I could! I sacrificed the tom I loved and the kits I never saw grew up because you wanted me to be leader instead of Thistleclaw!
And now this has happened: the camp is in ruins from the recent raid, Tigerclaw and his comrades have been exiled, and the disbelief still has a stone-cold hold on my pelt. Tigerclaw wanted to kill me and take over the Clan – he was even more ambitious than Thistleclaw ever had been.
I can't believe I didn't listen to my instincts when I knew that Tigerclaw may have the ambitions of his former mentor. Long ago, Goosefeather had gone in a rage when Tigerkit came near him in the medicine den . . . Only now I understand why he resented being anywhere near the kit.
Tigerclaw was destined to try and destroy us – destroy me. Fireheart tried to warn me, and yet I didn't listen.
I look down at my paws. I never should have trusted Tigerclaw as well as I did! I wanted to believe he was loyal, but he wasn't even close! Only Fireheart had been loyal all along . . .
Only Fireheart . . .
My head darts up at the sound of a twig snapping from outside. I flinch slightly, but then ease back into a relaxed position. But the thought won't leave my mind: who can I trust?
Tigerclaw had deceived me. What of Darkstripe? Or Longtail? He'd invited them to join him, but they refused. However, they were his comrades, nonetheless.
What of Mousefur? Or Runningwind? Or Dustpelt?
Can their apprentices be trusted? Swiftpaw? Brightpaw?
I . . . I can't trust any of them. No one except for Fireheart, and his apprentice Cloudpaw – I know I can trust Fireheart to teach him loyalty. Maybe even Whitestorm is still loyal.
But everyone else . . . they can't be trusted! At any rate they could be just as ambitious or disloyal as Tigerclaw was! They can hide it, just like Tigerclaw did, but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice!
It's decided then. None of my Clan is loyal – none of them can be trusted fully; none of the apprentices, beside Cloudpaw, can be trusted either, since their mentors' loyalties are in question.
What should I do then? Remain as I was, leading this Clan like a fool as some cat somewhere in this camp plots to end my leadership permanently? Or should I act now – find out who's truly loyal, and who's following in Tigerclaw's pawsteps.
I shake my head. Oh, what am I doing? How – How can I put my entire Clan's trustworthiness into question? Have they not proven themselves so far?
A voice is hissing at the back of my mind, 'Tigerclaw proved himself countless times to you. You fell right into his trap. You may not be so lucky next time, when someone else decides to take leadership.'
What if someone else in this Clan really does mean me harm? They think I'm weak, don't they? No one besides a select few is aware I'm missing more lives than I've admitted . . . but what if they discovered my secret? No . . . I kept my other secrets hidden well . . .
However I can't help but glare at the entrance where there are warriors, apprentices, even queens out there possibly waiting to strike me when I'm down. Do they dare think they will succeed, even after Tigerclaw's defeat? But, he was defeated thanks to Fireheart . . . I can trust Fireheart to keep me safe from all the other traitors.
Suddenly it's occurred to me that I haven't chosen the next deputy and announced it to the whole Clan before moonhigh. It's become rather obvious who is best suited to take on that role.
Wait – it's past moonhigh! StarClan – !
I jump to my paws, but I'm rooted to the ground when I think of StarClan – and how they did nothing to stop this. I narrow my eyes to slits. They did nothing! They told me nothing! They never gave a prophecy or sign to tell me that Tigerclaw was plotting against me!
Now I can't even trust StarClan.
All my life since being kitted – since losing all those I love – I think it's only fair to turn my back on the ones who did the same to me. I won't answer to StarClan anymore. They've done nothing for me, and I shall do the same in return!
"Bluestar!" came an exasperated shout. I looked up to see Whitestorm padding into the den, looking frightened and worried. "Bluestar, it's moonhigh, and you haven't chosen a deputy to replace Tigerclaw!" The name of the traitor catches in his throat.
For what feels like I moons I say nothing. I only look, trying to find the ambitious, traitorous gaze in his round eyes. I cannot tell if I see anything, but I assure myself that Whitestorm can be trusted; I had raised him in Snowfur's place.
Finally I force my voice to be happier than I feel as I reply, "I'm sorry. I'm still trying to gather my wits over this whole ordeal." Oh, how have I been gathering.
Whitestorm nods understandingly. "I understand, how dreadful you must of felt when Tigerclaw tried to take one of your lives." He shakes his head in disbelief. There are still some who can't get over it, like me. "But, can you please come soon? If we've missed moonhigh, we must hurry before sunhigh."
I nod, and he leaves. I've decided I'm not going to confront the Clan on their trust and loyalty. I will discover it soon enough. At least with Whitestorm and Fireheart I am not so alone.
Slowly I pad out of my den and jump onto Highrock. Once the Clan has gathered, I stare longingly for another heartbeat, still thinking of Tigerclaw and everyone here who has the potential to kill me. And once I announce that Fireheart will be the deputy, I quickly depart and retreat back to my den.