Started Writing: 1:07 AM Tues. Dec. 28
Finished Writing: 10:16 PM Wed. Dec. 29
((Halfway through I switched to a different tone. :laugh: ))
Sam stares out the window, longing for a way to destroy the silence. With the threat of graduation, Freddie's job, and Carly's college choice, there wasn't much to talk about.
iCarly had finished a few weeks ago before Carly left for a week-long trip. She was going to narrow down her college choices with a few interviews. Carly and Adam were planning on renting an apartment together. Carly knew Spencer wasn't exactly thrilled, but the thirty-five-year-old was also planning to settle down with a fellow artist he met during a showcase, so it wasn't like the thought was always on his mind.
Freddie's part-time job was offering a full-time shift, but he'd have to move all the way out to Iowa. Marissa, Freddie's mom, was more than happy to let Freddie move out of the nest. Neurotic as she was, Marissa had mellowed over the years. She still isn't fond of Sam or Carly, though.
Melanie and Pam were in the middle of planning Pam's re-marriage. Sam wanted no part, because Pam was going to get back together with their dad. She runs her fingers through her hair. Sam and Melanie's Jewish dad had walked out on them when they were only eight. How could Melanie and her mother just accept him back into their life?
And if that weren't bad enough, they planned on moving out to California so Melanie could focus on her acting and singing.
Wendy had moved away in junior high, but she moved back in sophomore year. Then, her dad's job caused her family to move away again in the middle of senior year. Carly, Tasha, Sam, and the other girls Carly knew threw a huge slumber party for Wendy. Wendy promised to write letters, but none ever came.
Tasha and Gibby didn't really have any plans. They'd broken up twice but still got back together. Tasha wanted tot go to the local university, but that was it. Gibby wasn't exactly sure what to do, so he was taking random jobs to scrape together some money his mom didn't have to pay for Tasha's student loans by herself.
Sam, on the other hand, had no idea what was gonna happen to her. She didn't want to live with her family in California, she certainly wasn't going to college, and Spencer didn't want another adult in his place. Even if it was a meaningless schoolgirl crush, she still felt a little hurt about the way Spencer looked as Sasha. But Sam wasn't going to intrude on them, either.
"Tomorrow is graduation," Freddie says. Sam looks at him. One hand is on the steering wheel while the other is on the side of the door. He stares intensely at the road, as if a car will pop out at any moment. "We probably won't see each other as much."
Sam nods and opens her mouth to say something, but no words come out. Everything she wants to tell him is stuffed into a jar and sealed away.
"Carly and Adam are probably going to get married," he says. Sam notices the melancholy sound to his words. Freddie didn't like the idea of Carly getting married. He said that she was growing up too fast. He said that she was being stubborn when she refused to talk about it. He said that she should just take Freddie back because Adam would never lover her like Freddie would.
He said. He said. He said. Over and over this discussion was repeated, like he left a CD on repeat. Why was Freddie so fixated on Carly leaving?
"Why..." Sam's thoughts slip from her mouth in a whisper.
"Why what?"
Sam blinks in surprise. "Well...why are you so obsessed with Carly?" she hesitates, then adds, "She doesn't love you, okay?
The truck comes to a sudden stop. "HOLY FUCK!" Sam yells as she jerks forward. Her seatbelt prevents her from going over the dashboard. Four feet away, a large semi speeds past, right in front to them. Sam and Freddie both take in deep breaths, realizing that they could've been hit. Sam looks down and notices that Freddie's arm is outstretched in front of Sam.
He sets his arm down on the steering wheel and sighs loudly. He looks both ways before driving off. They sit in silence for a long time, until Freddie speaks. "You know.." he trails off, before starting again. "What does graduation mean?"
"What?"
"Tomorrow...we graduate from high school. When we take off our caps, or when we get our diplomas,...what does that mean? Do we suddenly become adults?"
Sam bites her lip, unsure of what to say in reply. Every thought or answer that does show up in her head is completely irrelevant to the question.
And Sam isn't weak enough to say them.
"And this is graduating class of 2010!"
It's been three hours since the ceremony. Three hours. Three hours.
Sam stares at the empty halls of Ridgeway. Everyone else was either in the cafeteria with their parents or in the gymnasium with their friends. Sam would've gone with Carly and Freddie to get some snacks from the cafe, but as soon as she saw the smiling graduates with their parents, her stomach twisted in knots. She didn't belong there. Sam told Carly and Freddie that she had to go take care of some things.
She walks slowly down the deserted hallway and stops in front of her locker. Bare. It's open and bare. Carly had scrubbed it down for her while Sam made Freddie stuff everything into the trash. Sam traces the handle; she doesn't want to shut it yet. Not yet.
Sam trudges up the stairs and walks inside Ms. Briggs' classroom. She leaves the light off as she relives all the memories in this room. Detention, iCarly with detention, Spencer-inspired pranks, cute boys, notes. Carly. Freddie. Gibby. Tasha.
They all had something planned to do, something to do with their lives. Sam had nothing. She didn't know where she would go, she didn't know what she would do. She didn't want them to leave her in Seattle, either.
"Sam, we're going to head out soon. You gonna join us?" Freddie's deep voice comes from behind her. Sam turns around and blinks. Was it already time to go?
"Uh, yeah. Sure, whatever," she replies quickly. She dodges his questioning look.
He stares down into her eyes, making her shift uncomfortably. It's like he's trying to read into her soul. She wants desperately to look away; he's silently killing her by being so oblivious. She wants to tell him what she'd been feeling since sixth grade, she wants to end the games of charades. But she also wants to punch him in the stomach and tell him to leave her alone. Sam refuses to be weak like other girls-she'd never admit to anything.
"Move it, Benson."
She'd never admit to anything.
"Remember when we all hated this place?"
Now she's downstairs again, saying final goodbyes in the hallways to 'friends'. Friends that promise to write and to call, but Sam knows they never will. Friends that cry and hug and share a million photos with each other. Sam knows that the memory card will just be replaced.
She doesn't hug them, she doesn't cry with them. One by one, each boy she's ever kissed, each girl she's tormented. They each come up with a smile or a frown, say goodbye, and move on to the next. She's just a nameless face in a sea of a million kids. She doesn't want to cry.
She doesn't want to cry. She doesn't want to admit that she'll miss this place. She doesn't want to admit that she'll desperately cling on to this piece of her childhood. She doesn't want to admit that she loves him. She doesn't want to admit that she'll be so lonely without them.
When the crowd starts to thin out and disappear, Sam and Carly track down Freddie. Spencer, Tasha, and Gibby tell the crew to meet them out in the car. Carly smiles at Adam and says that she'll be outside too.
Now it's just Freddie and Sam. She stands awkwardly in front of her locker, biting her lip. Freddie faces her, looking at everything except Sam.
She sighs. "I.. well..." For once, she's speechless. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? She knows that it's just a one-sided crush. She knows. "I hate you," she says, hoping that he'll catch on.
He doesn't. She patiently waits for him to repeat the inside joke they shared years ago. She pleads silently. A minute passes, even though it seems like an hour. "I'll call you," he finally says.
Dumbfounded. Completely dumbfounded. She has no idea what to say. She wants to scream at him. She wants him to kiss her passionately, just like he dreams of kissing Carly. She wants him to acknowledge her feelings.
He holds out his hand. She takes it and gives it a firm shake. He smiles kindly and walks out the door.
Without looking back.
She shudders and turns to her locker. It's still open. Ironic; her locker says everything about her, but when it's finally open for the world to see, it's bare. Does this mean she has no secrets? No story to tell?
Sam takes a deep breath and fingers the note in her pocket. He gave it to her a long time ago. Of course, it was in her locker, but she saved it before Freddie threw it away.
She walks to the garbage can and stares at the remnants of her school years. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out the note, opening it slowly. All it says is that he actually does think her hair was cute. But it means everything. It's the only thing that kept her believing that he might turn around and confess to her.
She tears it apart slowly. She drops each strip of paper in the can. The strips stand for each reason her gave her to keep on hoping, she muses.
She's down to the last strip. Tears. Unexpected tears just come down on her cheeks. She blinks them away. It's best for me. It's best for me. She reasons with herself. When this last strip is inside the trash, she will let go of her love.
She drops it right when Carly opens the door. "Are you coming?" Sam nods and runs to her friend Carly, knowing this will probably be the last time they'll ever hang out together.
The lights go down in the school building. Carly opens the door for her friends before climbing in next to Adam. Sam climbs in and shuts the door. She stares out the back window until the tall silhouette disappears.
And suddenly, she's free.