Disclaimer: Joss owns. Everything. Including my soul.
AN: This stemmed from a bunch of different corners of fandom cliché – River referring to herself as "she", River taking the initiative and doing everything she can to seduce Jayne, Jayne being stupid and clueless until the very last moment. And many more. As always, feedback is love. Enjoy!
"She would like a kiss."
Jayne hates it when River refers to herself like that. Sometimes he thinks she does it to extend people's idea of her as crazy, and sometimes he thinks she does it just 'cause she can. It annoys the hell outta him.
Course, they all got their vices. River's crazy, Jayne's stupid, Kaylee's sweet, Simon's brilliant and awkward, Inara's clever, Zoe's hard, and Mal's…well, Mal's kinda mean.
They're traits to fall back on when they don't know what to do, or to say.
Doesn't mean it ain't damn frustratin'.
"You are not comprehending. The frequency waves traverse through one auditory canal, through the brainpan without cognizance, and straight out the other canal."
That's her other vice. When she gets pissed off or wants to annoy the cao outta ya, she'll replace every easy word with two difficult ones. She ain't crazy no more, Jayne knows, and so he knows she can string a sentence together without leaving him ten miles behind in the comprehendin' part.
"Jayne." Her voice has that exasperated quality to it that means she's impatient, or annoyed, or somethin' like it.
"Talk like a normal gorram person and I'll pay attention to ya," he mutters, glaring at her for a moment before returning to his bowl of oatmeal.
He has to remember to thank Inara for gettin' the stuff. Reminds him a' home. It's all processed and freeze dried, and who knew what else, but its almost as good at the stuff his ma used to make him as a boy.
If he shuts his eyes, and doesn't count how many years it's been since he was a boy.
"She would like a kiss, Jayne," River says again, and damn if it don't just grate on his nerves.
"He would like to eat his gorram oatmeal without annoying little girls hanging around pretendin' to be crazy."
River crosses her arms over her chest and pouts, and when he turns away from her and stares at the long expanse of table before him, she huffs and stomps outta the mess.
She returns five minutes later with Kaylee's squalling baby in her arms, and without a word pushes little Amy into Jayne's arms. "You are a boob," she informs Jayne, her eyes trying to burn holes into his head as he tries to juggle the spoon in one hand and Amy in the other.
"What?" He glares right back.
"Wasn't referring to myself, dummy," she tells him. "Amy wants a Jayne kiss. Only person you'll kiss on the mouth, anyway."
"Only person I can trust not to be poisonin' me," he responds, even though he doesn't really mean it. And he's kind of disappointed River didn't want a kiss. "And I ain't a dummy."
"Ain't ain't a word."
He glares. "Ain't's been in the dictionary for five hundred years, girly."
She sticks her tongue out at him and wordlessly flounces from the room as he presses a kiss into little Amy's forehead, then cradles her safely in his arms as he returns to his warm oatmeal.