IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE: This story has been in development for several months now. We started writing it back before some characters (like Matt Hunter) were even on the show, before Jason had even taken over the mob. Please allow us our creative liberties in certain areas. The story was too far gone before certain situations happened to change the fic. The only thing that is essential: Spinelli and Maxie have made love but she has kept telling him that he is only a friend. In the meantime, a new doctor (Matt Hunter) has come into her life, and Spinelli sees his friend drifting towards him. The setting is perhaps a few months ahead in time.
This fic is a combined effort of Seeker-2000 and Rosie The Riveter (Bela516 at Opposites Attract). Seeker-2000 is the author of The Luckiest, Rosie (Bela516) is the author of One Wild Night and Love Lessons (LL found exclusively on Opposite Attraction, a Spinelli and Maxie forum). Check them out!
ALSO: This is an extremely dark and violent story. It will not push boundaries beyond its rating, but it will also not hold back. If "The Dark Knight" was rated PG-13, then this is a T-rated fic. Understand? If you are squeamish, refrain from reading. Proceed with caution - you have been warned.
Thank you.
Seeker & Bela
EDITED TO NOTE: This was first published under the name of SEEKER-2000 - we have decided to move it here for reasons that are not important. We are still writing together and we cannot wait for you to read what we have come up with - to those who wonder if this will get darker - in a word: yes.
Abandon All Hope
Chapter 1: The Dark Night
Spinelli slumped against the wall of the elevator, a feeling of pervading hopelessness making it almost impossible to stand. The days were getting more and more impossible to face; each morning he awoke more tired than the day before and dreaded the thought of even getting out of bed. What was the point? He would get up, get dressed, go somewhere and eventually, someone or something would remind him of what a pathetic loser he was. His body ached as if he had walked a lengthy distance – it was as if his life was a never-ending series of failures.
And nothing clarified this to him more than his painful, unreturned love of Maxie Jones. Each time he saw Maxie, he was reminded that she would never love him. He had fallen in love with her and she thought of him as a friend at best and an annoying pest at worst. He knew in his heart that no one would ever love him. He was unlovable. Every day it seemed there was something else waiting to point out this completely devastating but undeniable fact. A quick glance of confusion from someone when he said "The Jackal", or the snickers behind his back when he stumbled over his clumsy feet.
This afternoon had been particularly bad. He had been at Kelly's and was trying to talk to Maxie but ever since she had met Matt, she had drifted even further away from him. Matt had come in and her attention was lost as Matt sat down with them. He had excused himself from the conversation and gone to talk with Mike.
He told himself he should be lucky to even have her acknowledge him as a friend. She had only become friends with him while she was recovering from her sister's death. Now that she was able to face life again, she didn't really need him. He still needed her - desperately - but it didn't matter. His needs didn't really matter. He had helped so many people so many times but now, when he needed help, he found it impossible to tell anyone. Who was he going to tell? Maxie, Lulu, Jason – they all had important things going on in their lives. Too important to waste time listening to his problems. How could he tell them he was falling – as if he was hanging from a cliff, his fingernails bloodied and broken and clutching. There was always a cold feeling in his mind, like ice melting slowly, forming a puddle on his thoughts. So he kept it to himself and pretended he was alright; laughed when his heart broke, smiled as he died inside, so no one would know. He couldn't let them know.
And this day was no different.
To make matters exponentially worse, Sonny came in as he was sitting at the counter talking to Mike. He bullied him, called him a freak again. Spinelli froze, letting the phrase cut into him for the millionth time. Sonny had no idea what that word really meant, being accepted and even revered (by some) his entire life. No one ever questioned him, his place, doubted that he was good enough to breathe air. Sonny could say the word "freak" as easily as Spinelli could say "fair" or "generous", light as air. He could do this, because Sonny clearly had no damn clue what the single syllable word meant to him.
He said it in front of Mike and Maxie and Matt and everyone in Kelly's, like it was a no heavier than a feather, when really it was another weight clinking on the ground in Spinelli's mind.. He had gotten in his face and taunted him; had made his face blaze with humiliation, and if Spinelli was a man he would've crammed the word back down the man's throat and suffocated him with it. But Spinelli? Hah. He wasn't a man. Not in the slightest. He had no bravery beyond what was needed to walk in public.
Sonny had said "freak", and at that moment, there had been a flash of a face, different from Sonny's, but the same words. The anger had grown in him until he couldn't even feel his body – only the red-hot rage - and he knew that he couldn't contain the fury anymore. He lost it, grabbed Sonny by his jacket and threw him down on a table. "I am not a freak!!" he screamed in his face. Maybe he was a man after all? His entire body was shaking – he realized he felt something else too – fear – a cold, unexplainable, yet familiar fear.
He let go of Sonny and looked around. Everyone was staring at him – even Sonny, when he had picked himself off the table – had looked at him like he was dangerous or crazy. Maxie looked as if she didn't know him. It was then he realized - he was exactly what they said he was – a freak. He had wished that he could have disappeared into a hole in the earth. Instead, he had hung his head in shame, grabbed his laptop and left Kelly's before anyone could see the tears in his eyes. No one thought Damian Spinelli "The Jackal" had any feelings of pain or sadness or anger. They all thought he was perpetually happy and things just rolled off his back. They didn't know that each and every insult hammered into his brain. Every time someone called him a freak or told him he was strange, his soul grew dimmer. He knew he was different - but why was it that no matter how hard he tried, he always – always – failed.
He rested his head against the wall of the elevator waiting for the doors to open but wished he could curl into a ball and never move again.
His life would never be any different; he would never have anyone that loved him other than as a faithful friend, like a pet. A golden retriever, sweet friendly yellow dog. He would never have anything that made him truly happy, would never have a life other than a fantasy world where he invented someone to love him. The golden retriever in the plastic world chasing tennis balls for eternity. If this was how life was going to be for the next sixty years, he knew he wouldn't be able to take it. Didn't want to take it. What was the point? He was too tired. Too tired to think anymore. Too tired to try.
The redundancy of it all was…unbearable.
...
Jason entered the Penthouse and took off his leather jacket. It took a moment before he registered Spinelli sitting silently in the dark; his back was to Jason and he neither turned nor spoke. This in itself was unusual in the extreme. He flipped on the lights.
"Spinelli? What's going on? You feeling OK?"
Spinelli still did not reply, only lifted his hand to his face in a weary gesture. Jason threw his keys on the desk, where their clanging cut sharply through the still air. "Maxie left a message for me – something about a fight with Son-" Jason stopped short as he came around to the front of the chair and saw the object in Spinelli's lap; His face was twisted in anguish and flushed, his eyes glassy and feverish. Jason felt a cold knot form in his stomach.
"Spinelli – " Jason said quietly and carefully as if Spinelli was a ticking bomb. "What – what are you doing with that?"
Spinelli looked up at Jason as if he just realized he was there and didn't quite recognize him then looked down at the pistol in his hands. "I – just – I – tried, you know." Spinelli spoke in halting words as if he couldn't remember how to form sentences. Looking from the gun and back into Jason's face a few times, Spinelli blinked as if trying to comprehend where he was.
"I try – so hard - so hard – all the time. But it doesn't do any good," Spinelli stammered, clenching the pistol. "Nothing ever changes. I thought here would be different – but it's not. He followed me here and I can't make him go away and he keeps ruining things."
"Who Spinelli?" Jason sat down close on the couch. "Who are you talking about?" He was unsure what to do and was unused to the feeling. His best friend was talking nonsense and holding his gun; a cold fear washed over him at the thought of what Spinelli was thinking; what could have happened if he had come home a few minutes later.
"Stone Cold does not understand what The Jackal is saying." Spinelli shook his head slowly and spoke softly as if he was speaking to himself. "He tries to understand and he wants to but he does not. He will never understand how The Jackal feels." Spinelli's hands shook as he rotated the pistol in his grip.
Jason made a move to take the gun away from him but Spinelli clutched it to his chest like a security blanket. "No!"
Jason backed off and held his hands up. "OK. Ok, Spinelli – you can hold it. I just – I need to ask you what you want to do. You're scaring me OK?"
"Stone Cold is never scared." Spinelli rubbed his forehead as if trying to erase something.
"I am right now. I don't – I don't want you to hurt yourself - what were you planning to do with my gun?"
Spinelli closed his eyes as if shutting out the scene. "I don't want to hurt myself – I don't. I just – I - don't want to feel anymore. Not like this. Not like me. I can't – " He sighed and slumped down in the chair. "The Jackal knows he can not help him anymore."
"Help who? Spinelli – help who?" Jason was confused by Spinelli's jumbling of personalities and references to himself in the third person – even more than usual – as if he had splintered off into separate entities that were warring with themselves.
"Me. He can not help me."
"Spin – I'm going to take the gun – ok?" Spinelli shook his head, frustrated. "Yes. I need to take it. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself. Give me the gun." Jason insisted, inching closer to the young man, silently praying that he would listen to him. "Spinelli – we're going to get through this ok? We're going to get you some help."
"There's nothing you can do." Spinelli moaned as his head ached and spun. His thoughts were mixed up and he couldn't remember who he was supposed to be, Spinelli, The Jackal, Damian or someone else, a little boy, long forgotten, left alone.
"Yes – yes there is. Were going to fix this. I need you to give me that." Jason carefully pried the gun out of his hands, checked the safety, and then placed it out of his reach on the coffee table. "We're going to the hospital."
"No – No, Stone Cold!" Spinelli opened his eyes wide and tried to get up from the chair - he didn't want anyone else to know about this. Just the thought of going to the hospital, the white rooms, the peering stares as he was looked at like an alien creature in a cage, it all was too familiar and made his stomach flip.
Jason gently pushed him back down "Yes. Spinelli – I can't help you by myself – ok? You need to talk to someone – a doctor ok?" He looked him in the eye. "You are important to me and I'm not going to let you down. I'm going to get you some help."
Spinelli pushed his hands into his eyes but couldn't stop the sobbing that racked his body. He nodded his head, acquiescing to Jason's words – realizing his friend wouldn't let him drown in the endless pain and confusion. For the first time in his whole life, someone was going to fight for him.
He felt Jason's hand on his back and the gesture felt comforting and yet terribly painful at the same time.
...
A/N: Thanks for reading the first chapter! We love reviews. Thanks Katy for the encouragement.
Next Chapter: Spinelli gets help…
SIDENOTE:
Inferno by Dante Alleghieri
Dante Alleghieri was a 13th Century writer most notably famous for his work The Divine Comedy (consisting of three works Inferno, Pergatorio and Paradiso). Comedy does not refer to the work in the modern term of comedy but in one of the classic styles, the other being tragedy.
"(Dante) held a number of significant public offices at a time of great political unrest in Italy, and, in 1302, he was exiled for life by the leaders of the Black Guelphs, the political faction in power at the time. All of Dante's work on The Comedy (later called The Divine Comedy, and consisting of three books: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso) was done after his exile. He completed Inferno, which depicts an allegorical journey through Hell, around 1314. Dante roamed from court to court in Italy, writing and occasionally lecturing, until his death from a sudden illness in 1321."
credit: Sparknotes/poetry/inferno/context.html
The most famous quote from Inferno is: Lasciate Ogne Speranza, voi ch'intrate - translated: "Abandon all hope, who enter here."
We hope you enjoy our tale.
Reviews for the Chapter 1 – The Dark Night
hollyg3 2008-08-07
ch 1, Oh, man! This is awesome! So heartbreaking. I have been dying to see something like this on the show. I want to see Spinelli have a breakdown. There has to be something devastating in his past that made him hide away from the real world. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for part 2!
Soulache 2008-08-07
ch 1, this is so good. i love dark fanfictions. poor spinelli though. he's such a sweet guy on the show, but you could easily see something like this happening to him.
and i agree about sonny getting what he deserved. everytime he talks to spinelli i just hate his character a little more.
Ladyjaxs999 2008-08-06
ch 1, Awesome first chapter, this is going to my favs...can't wait for the update...I feel so sorry for spin!!
SenaCutie15 2008-08-06
ch 1, That was amazing! Hurry with the next chapter!
Nmissi 2008-08-06
ch 1,More please? Yes, it's dark, but it's so very promising.
JasonElizabeth2gether4ever2... 2008-08-06
ch 1, Whoa! That was different, but I liked how dark it was. I can't wait for the next chapter. I hope Spinelli turns darker and becomes a completely different person. This is great! Post more soon!
Onesmartgoalie 2008-08-06
ch 1, Wow, that was good. Dark and twisty fics always rock. Anyways, update soon!
hhh569 2008-08-06
ch 1, I love the story. Keep going so many people can relate to how spinelli is feeling
penguino3782 2008-08-06
ch 1, What a great start. It's nice to see Jason return some kindness to Spinelli (we don't always see that on tv). My interest is peeked and I can't wait for the next chapter!
MercuryMan 2008-08-06
ch 1, Um, there's more right? Cause this wasn't as dark and violent as advertised, and that's what I was looking forward to! I was hoping he would stab Sonny with an icepick! But then again I am pretty sick and twisted!
Seriously though, great start and since you two are a couple of my favorite fanfic writers, you know I am going to read and enjoy this. I wonder what kind of reception such a depressing view of Spinelli will get, but I know you guys are prepared for that. Personally, I like reading something different and challenging! Looking forward to more!
Ayshen 2008-08-06
ch 1, That was so intense I could really feel the depth of the Jackal's pain.
When Jason came in and saw him with the gun, I kind of lost it...I could just see it and I adore the JaSpin relationship...I am so glad that Jason is fighting for him :sob:
LuckyDuck29 2008-08-06
ch 1, I was almost in tears through this entire chapter!
I'm so glad Spinelli gave Sonny what he deserved!
Can't wait for the next chapter, but I have to go read something happier now. I don't want to be in tears when my boyfriend arrives. He'll think I'm nuts for crying for Spinelli.
Sting Ray Girl 2008-08-05
ch 1, Woah.
It would seem suicide is the new pregnancy?
Awesome. really moving.