Something I Can Never Have
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep. "Ugh!" You grunted and rolled over to slap at the devil that was your alarm clock. You squinted an eye at the device to see what time it was, even though you had an idea, since you had to set the alarm to begin with. It was 7:05 a.m. You had a long day of research with the boys ahead of you, and they wanted to get it going as soon as possible. You struggled to get up, but managed to, and went to take a shower.
This was your second month living with the Winchesters. They had bumped into you at a diner back in Ohio, your home state. You were working the late shift, waiting on more tables than what was normal for a Thursday. You were about to jot down the orders of one of your larger tables, when something stopped you in your tracks. Two tall men walked into the diner and after a glance at them, your eyes locked on the one in the leather jacket. He and the guy he was with had nodded their acknowledgements to you, him giving a little smirk after a quick once-over of you.
After the long pause it took for you to watch the boys seat themselves, a disgruntled voice broke through your daze. "Hey, did you hear me? No onions on the burger." You were shaken back to the real world, and scribbled the order, embarrassed and slightly irritated, but you managed to mumble an apology to the guy.
You finished taking the orders and dropped the slip off to the cooks, then tried to gain your composure before heading to the table he was sitting at.
"Hi, my name's (Y/N) and I'll be serving you tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?" You forced a smile, hoping to God you weren't blushing, especially after seeing those bright green eyes peer up at you.
"Hmm, (Y/N) pretty name." Mr. Leather Jacket mused, looking at the nametag pinned to your shirt. "I'll have coffee."
"Cream and sugar?"
A smirk played on his lips, and you could only guess what he was thinking, but it probably wasn't accurate.
"Nah, I don't need the cream. I could use some sugar, though." He slightly bit his bottom lip.
"Dean." The other guy piped in. He leaned in, trying to be inconspicuous, and spoke with his voice low, "Not now, remember? We have other things to worry about?"
"Right, right, Sam." Dean nodded, his once playful expression long gone now. "I'll just have it black, thanks."
You completely missed the fact that the guy was trying to flirt with you; it just wasn't something that was common. Or, at least, you never noticed.
You tried to ignore what you heard the other guy say, but your curiousity kicked in. Who are these guys? Mafia or something? Yeah, right. You thought, like anything that interesting would come through this town. You disregarded all of that and turned to the guy named Sam.
"And for you?"
"Ah, uh, water. Thanks." He gave you a quick half grin then turned back to Dean, clearly preoccupied with whatever it was they have to worry about. He looked anxious.
You slowly turned from the table and muttered, "I'll uh, be right back with your drinks."
You were facing the coffee machine, preparing a fresh pot to make your rounds with, when you hear shrieks and commotion behind you. You quickly turned around and saw that the people at the large table were now attacking the other customers. One guy was holding another up by his throat, and when you saw that he was a regular, you reacted without a second thought.
"Hey! What the hell, man?!" You angrily grabbed the coffee pot and stormed over to the guy, smashing the glass container against the back of his head, hot liquid splattering everywhere. This made him drop the poor man, but other than that, he was unshaken by it. The guy looked at you, pure hatred on his face, and you saw that his eyes were black.
"What... are...you?" Your brows furrowed and you took a few steps back. You backed into someone and jumped, "Oh!" It was Dean. He wrapped his arms around you and next thing you know you weren't on the floor anymore.
"Put me down! What are you doing?"
"Getting you out of here, that's what I'm doing." Dean's jaw was clenched as he headed toward the door with you.
"The other customers! I can't just leave them in there with whatever that thing is!" You protested.
Dean finally set you down after the both of you were outside. "That thing, sweetheart, is a demon. And there are more of them in there. And they're dangerous. Wait here." Dean gave you a look of I mean it before he went back inside.
You stood there and watched the door close. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" You bellowed, and stomped back into the diner.
"Now, I'm not just going to sit out there and pretend this isn't-" You stopped when you saw Dean stab one of the so-called demons, and watched it scream before collapsing to the floor. You looked at the ghastly scene that was once your place of employment. There were people huddled in the corner scared, and there were a few bodies scattered on the floor. Tables knocked over. Your coworkers emerging from the kitchen, shocked and equally afraid.
A bloody Dean walked up to you, putting his knife away. "I told you to stay outside!" He growled.
"Don't you stand there and yell at me, mister! You didn't even try to get these other people out, why just me?" You were furious.
Dean didn't answer. He looked at Sam, who let out a big sigh. "The talk?" Sam said.
"Yes." Dean replied, looking back at you.
And that was the day your life changed.
You got out of the shower and dried off, a little smile on your face at the reminission of how you met the Winchester brothers and how you got into the world of hunting. It was always a memory you went to when things got rough. And by rough, the emotional kind of rough.
You were in love with Dean Winchester, and he had no clue. Remembering that day gives you hope. There had to have been a reason that he chose to specifically make sure you were safe. He had never answered that question.
But that was all it was. Hope.
Dean had seemed very confusing in the weeks after that. At first it was great, he was showing you how to hunt, and let you take on some bigger hunts with him and Sam. He would give you looks of praise, maybe even adoration, but that was pushing your luck. Once you got the hang of it, and actually got really good at hunting, Dean sort of backed off from mentor, to barely knowing you exist. He would go to bars and stay out all night doing God knows what. Your mind would always wander to the worst possible scenarios, and you were convinced that this gorgeous, funny man from the diner would never be interested in you.
You sighed and finished getting dressed. You weren't feeling the greatest today, so you just threw on some leggings and an oversized flannel that Sam had given to you a while ago, after a hunt turned messier than usual. You ran your fingers through your (H/L) hair, trying to look the best you can on a day like this.
You entered the kitchen to get some coffee, humming a song that was stuck in your head.
"Something I can never have." A deep voice said behind you.
You jumped and turned to see Dean standing there, relaxed against the door frame, arms crossed. Your heart fluttered at the words. "What did you say?"
Dean shrugged. "Nine Inch Nails, right?"
Dammit, the music enthusiast. I didn't think he would know this song. You looked down into your cup, focused on stirring its contents, hope diminishing once again. "Oh...yeah." You huffed a laugh of embarassment, keeping your eyes away from him.
"It's a good song. Kind of sad though for you, isn't it (Y/N)? You're typically in a happy mood."
"Yeah, it's... it's just one of those days, I guess." You finally looked at Dean and your breath hitched in your throat. It was difficult to look at the man you love and have him be so nonchalant about everything.
"Is there anything I can do to make your day better? It's pretty early for you to be off to a bad start." Dean smiled, trying not to look too worried.
You involuntarily let out a sigh. You wanted to tell him to hold you, to love you, to make you his. But that's just way too damn much to spill out on someone, especially Dean. Why would he even care, anyway? This is the first time he's talked to you in weeks about something other than a case. You did your best to smile at him. "Thanks Dean, but I'll be fine. I'll shake this eventually."
You ducked past him with your cup of coffee. "I doubt it though." You said under your breath.
"Wha-" Dean turned, but you were already out of sight, off to start the research. What was that about, Dean wondered. He shrugged and went to join you and his brother.
A few hours and cups of coffee later, you got up to stretch. "I've been sitting way too long." You groaned, feeling your muscles getting relief from finally moving.
"Yeah, we've been at this a while." Sam stretched as well and got up "I think I'm going to take a break, we have enough to go on for right now." Sam left the room, leaving you and Dean.
The air felt thick, and you were tense, unsure what to do. It wasn't often that you and Dean were alone together, so you tried to avoid looking at him, just like you did this morning.
"I'm g-gonna go relax too, I think." You briefly looked at Dean and started to walk to your room.
"(Y/N), wait." Dean caught up with you down the hall, and you turned to look at him.
"What is it?" You asked, utterly confused that Dean wanted to talk to you alone, twice in one day.
Dean struggled to find words. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I- well you seem kind of -hell I don't know- off the last couple weeks. Are you sure you're okay?"
You took in a deep breath as the emotions flooded you. It took a lot to try to keep from crying. How can you tell someone you're hurt, when they are the reason behind it? It wasn't his fault, of course. But it was hard to have these feelings for him when you know you don't have a chance. You felt sick even thinking about telling him how you feel.
"I'm fine, Dean. it's probably just the weather or something." You managed to say as your eyes welled with tears. You quickly turned and walked away before Dean could see them.
"(Y/N)?" Dean called after you. He knew you were lying. "Shit. What's going on with her?"
You closed the door behind you and locked it before sliding down, finally releasing the tears. You drew your knees up to your chest and sobbed for what seemed like hours, but it could have only been minutes. The song that was stuck in your head this morning was still nagging at you, so you started to sing it through your tears.
"My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head 'til I don't wanna sleep anymore... I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself." The sobbing got harder and you curled up into a ball.
After crying all you could cry, you were at a whisper.
"You always were the one to show me how. Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart..."
"Oh God," Dean whispered to his brother. They had went to your door when they heard the loud crying. "Why is she like that?"
Sam looked at his brother. "You really don't know? I could see it from the beginning."
Dean looked lost, trying to recall what Sam was refering to.
"Dean." Sam whispered, "She really cares about you. She's been trying so hard to hide it."
"Wait. Really?" Dean raised an eyebrow, clearly shocked. "She likes me? The tough, gorgeous thing in there?" Dean looked at the door as if he could see you, trying to piece it together. He couldn't grasp the idea that you would like him.
"But how could she? I'm not exactly boyfriend material..."
"You think you're not boyfriend material. You go out to the bars, pick up women, sure." Sam placed his hands on Dean's shoulders. "But I know you, Dean. And I know you have feelings for her. Why the hell else would you have even bothered making sure she was out of danger, when you knew she would've been okay inside? You've been trying to hide it, just like she has. And you've obviously done a damn good job at hiding it."
Dean knew Sam was talking about the day he met you. He let out a big sigh. "You're right, Sammy. I do care about (Y/N). But what do I do? She's torn up, how do I even face this?"
Sam shrugged, "All I can say is talk to her, brother. This is something that needs to be cleared up, I know that." he looked at your door. "It's gone on for too long, just because you two are too scared to admit how you feel about each other." He chuckled. "Monster killers: scared of emotions."
"Ay, shut up," Dean smiled, but the nerves were raging in his stomach. "It's quiet in there, maybe she fell asleep. I think I'll wait until she wakes up to talk to her."
"Alright, but make sure it gets done, Dean. We need all three of us to be stable and ready for this hunt." Sam smiled "Besides, it's about time you get a real girl."
"Right again, Sammy. You need to stop that." Dean chuckled and went to his room to try to sleep, but he knew it would be a night of tossing and turning, trying to figure out how to talk to you. "Dammit, (Y/N), you're something else," Dean thought out loud in bed. "For the first time ever, I'm actually afraid to talk to a woman."
_
It was 10 a.m. when you finally woke up. You had slept through the alarm, and must have slept for a good ten hours. You got up and went to brush your teeth. You groaned when you saw your eyes were still a little puffy from the crying.
"Dammit, I'll have to try to cover this up." You looked at yourself in the mirror, trying to drown the negative thoughts attacking your mind at that moment. "You need to stop this, you're a wreck (Y/N)." You shook your head and scoffed, smiling. "Now I'm talking to myself, awesome hunter material."
There was a knock at your door, and you remember you had locked it. You try to look presentable before opening it, but hesitated with your hand hovering the latch, because of your eyes.
"(Y/N)? Are you awake? It's Dean."
Your heart started pounding. He heard me last night. Great, this day is just great. The heat flushed your face as you slowly unlocked the door and opened it enough to peep around it. Dean was standing there, holding a tray with waffles and a cup of coffee. And... flowers?
"Oh. Hey Dean. What's this?" You looked at the tray again, trying to hide your eyes behind your hair.
It was too late though, Dean saw them. "God, (Y/N)..." He muttered. He wanted to toss the tray aside and just hold you, but he was on a mission and that wasn't part of the plan. He cleared his throat. "I uh, thought you might want something to eat, since you missed supper last night. Can I come in?"
Your heart was pounding even harder. Dean's never wanted to come into your room. "Um... yeah, sure." You open the door wider to let him through. He set the tray on your nightstand and stood there, swinging his arms nervously.
There was awkward silence and you could almost feel a buzz of energy in the room. This was really not like Dean.
"So um. Thanks for bringing me something. I didn't think I was hungry until I smelled the waffles." Your eyes locked on his for a brief moment, then you quickly looked at the floor.
She's so adorable when she's nervous, Dean thought. He knew he would have to take the lead on this talk. He sat on your bed. "Here, come take a load off. This is your room, after all."
"Heh. Right," You smiled and sheepishly walked to the bed and sat down next to Dean. He grabbed the tray and set it in your lap, and set the flowers on the nightstand.
"Those are pretty." You admired the roses.
"Yeah, Sam said... um I mean, I thought you might like them." Dean's eyes pierced into yours, and you swear you could almost see them sparkle.
Yep. You're losing it, (Y/N). "You...got these for me?"
Dean rubbed the back of his neck again. He didn't think his nerves would hit now, too. "Yeah, yeah I did. You like them, right? I can put them somewhere else if you don't-"
"I love them." You smiled, but felt a stab in your heart as you said the L word. One word away from spilling the beans.
Dean's nerves jumped at the word. So close, man. You can do this. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, but his pounding heart demanded otherwise.
"Look, the reason I am doing all of this is because I want to talk to you. It sounds like you had a rough night and-"
"I knew it. How much did you hear?" Your face turned extremely red and you suddenly weren't hungry. You set the tray back on the nightstand, almost knocking the vase of roses over. You stared at your hands.
"(Y/N), look at me." Dean's calloused hand gently grabbed your chin to make you face him. "I came here because I don't want you to ever feel that way again."
You didn't know what to say. You scanned his face for any signs of his usual joking nature, but you could see that he was dead serious.
"It killed me, hearing you hurting like that, (Y/N)." His hand slid up the side of your face, his thumb running along the puffy circles of your eyes. "It kills me to see you like this. Hurting, because of me."
"Dean," his name slipped past your lips, but that was all you could say. There was so much to say that you didn't know where to start, all you could do was sigh in exasperation and look into his eyes, hoping it would be enough.
Hope.
"I'm sorry it took so long to do this. To tell you how I really feel about you. (Y/N), you are the most amaing, beautiful, real girl I've ever known. The moment I saw you, I knew there was something about you that I just..." He pushed the hair out of your face.
"I couldn't let you go. I couldn't deal with the idea of never seeing you again, never getting to know you. But I was also scared of this. I didn't know how to react to these feelings I have for you." He sat there a moment, trying to read you.
"You didn't really show it. Not one hint, Dean. I was starting to think you didn't even like having me around, let alone care about me. You would go out so much, I didn't know what to think."
"I know." Dean sighed, looking ashamed. "I was running from myself. I'm so sorry that you had to get to this point to make me man up and tell you how I feel. I'm not good at this sort of thing."
You slowly reached up to run your fingers in his hair, along his neckline. His eyes closed, soaking up your affection. "Well, you are doing a good job right now."
Dean pulled you into a hug, and then his lips met yours in a passionate, needing kiss. "I love you, (Y/N). That won't change. I, however, have to make it up to you somehow."
"Your love is enough, Dean." You teared up, smiling. "And I love you more than you'll ever know."
"I doubt that." Dean smirked. "Seriously, (Y/N) I want to make up for our time lost these past few weeks."
"Well if you insist, we can start by cuddling in bed for a while," you kissed him, then giggled "at least until Sam says we have to do something."
"That sounds perfect to me, babe." Dean smiled and stretched out on the bed, letting you lay your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed your forehead, and you get lost in everything that is Dean.