No Sleep 'Til RK

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Have you ever dealt with something that made you lose sleep? More to the point, have you ever dealt with something that made you sleep constantly? That's what happened to RK. But sooner or later, he's going to have to deal with it...

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 6

Airdate: November 10, 2013

Title: No Sleep 'Til RK

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Why do boy bands have a certain lifespan?")

Special Guest Stars: Justin Roberts as Himself

Satire/Social Commentary: Sleep-related symptoms, lovesickness

Good evening, readers. Originally, in honor of Veteran's Day, I was going to treat you guys to not one, but two new episodes of Thank You, Heavenly back-to-back. However, when writing the first one ("Wade Goes Batshit") I realized it was not coming together like I wanted it to. It was based on an experience with a nasty girl named Marie Rodriguez, but I hardly had anything to write. So I decided to cancel it for a future airdate. But don't worry. I'm still planning on a doubleheader this season. Maybe on December 8? But for right now, thank you and enjoy the program.

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(In honor of Movember, the month-long celebration of facial hair in November, Testicular Sound Express is wearing their own follicles as well. Sparky has the Dennis Eckersley mustache, Buster is wearing the Daniel Bryan beard, Wade is wearing the Zeb Colter mustache, and Jaylynn is wearing the CM Punk mutton chops. Initially, Wade wanted the Rakim sideburns, but it was too similar to Jaylynn's design.)

BUSTER: I don't understand why I was the one blamed for it.

SPARKY: Buster, when I emptied out the dryer, there was pepperoni in my pocket. And you have a habit of eating pizza in my room.

BUSTER: Why am I always the one who gets asked though? You never blame Wade or Jaylynn for anything.

JAYLYNN: That's because burgers rock and pizza sucks.

WADE: And that's because I don't have to put a bib on when I eat.

(wearing a Scott Ian goatee dyed green, tired) RK: What's up, assholes?

(long pause)

WADE: Dude, are you OK?

RK: Don't know.

BUSTER: Well, is it a sleeping problem?

RK: Don't care.

JAYLYNN: Could you stop acting like that?

RK: Don't count on it.

SPARKY: RK, this is the fourth time in two weeks that you've showed up this late, and whenever you do, you doze off in class.

RK: Well, school is a great place to sleep. Why can't they teach that valuable lesson to kids?

WADE: I remember this happening before.

RK: Believe me, it's not what you think this time.

BUSTER: Ms. Tuxedo Pants is OK?

RK: Yeah, I rarely ever have a problem with her. Except that one day in July where she had her "attitude problems."

(long pause)

(sternly) RK: I said, that one day in July where she had her "attitude problems."

(long pause)

RK: WHERE'S THE (BLEEP) CLIP?!

JAYLYNN: You guys do realize that nobody is ever there, right?

SPARKY: Shut up, Jaylynn. They don't know that! Crap, I just said it!

ASHLEY: Hey RK. You look tired. Have you been sleeping lately?

RK: Ashley, what do you think? My eyes are red, my hair is reckless, and I have morning breath.

BUSTER: I'm glad you mentioned that, because your breath is KICKING!

ASHLEY: Well, maybe you should try to go to sleep earlier.

RK: Gee, really? Wow, Inspector Gadget, I wish I could've thought of that. Wait a minute. I DID!

ASHLEY: RK, you're always talking about how I don't care about you and when I try to help, you lash out at me? For what?

RK: Maybe it's because your pathetic bitch-ass isn't letting me sleep! You understand that? Do you bastards understand that?

BUSTER: My parents were married BEFORE I was born, thank you.

(RK's rant is attracting the attention of all the kids)

RK: NOW CAN YOU JACKASSES LEAVE ME ALONE, STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT, AND JUST LET ME (BLEEP) SLEEP?! JESUS CHRIST!

(RK goes back to sleep; everyone is downright shocked)

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

(RK has been called to the office, and KG had to come; both are upset)

(long pause)

RK: Why am I here?

KG: Yeah, can't you just tell him what his punishment is and I'll kick his ass later?

MR. DARWISH: No, because that's not in my job description.

KG: Look, I was thinking of coming in here with a Swedish accent, but you already met me, so that opportunity is wasted.

RK: KG, it's Mr. Darwish. He knows you, he was your counselor too!

KG: Oh, really? When I was eight, I remember he had a toupee.

MR. DARWISH: Look, RK, what's been going on lately? You come in late, you're always tired. Is something going on at home?

(long pause)

KG: I don't beat him, why does everyone keep saying that?!

MR. DARWISH: I never said that. It could easily be something else.

RK: I just can't sleep, that's all.

MR. DARWISH: How long has this been happening?

RK: Since about two weeks ago when I saw a movie with Ashley.

MR. DARWISH: Ashley Rodriguez?

RK: Yeah. Ever since Sanna Qureshi transferred, I've been using Ashley to fill the void.

MR. DARWISH: Hmmm. I think this might require professional help.

KG: You're not going to perform shock therapy, are you? Because if you are, I'll sue you for every penny you're worth!

MR. DARWISH: No, I'm just going to refer him to a sleep doctor for kids.

KG: Oh, OK.

MR. DARWISH: Here. Michael Kirshenbaum. One of the best sleep doctors in the Pacific Northwest.

(sarcastically) RK: Gee whiz, a world-renowned doctor? That sounds nifty. Are Wally and the Beav comin' too?

(extremely long pause)

MR. DARWISH: If I were you, I would see Mr. Kirshenbaum right away.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and Jaylynn are on the couch, while Buster and Wade are on the floor; all of them are watching TV)

JAYLYNN: Poor RK. I hope he gets those sleep problems worked out.

SPARKY: Ah, our little RK is a fighter. Dr. Kirshenbaum should be able to straighten him out.

WADE: It's weird. I wonder why he can't sleep. He's usually the heaviest sleeper in the group.

BUSTER: Yeah. He makes me look bad.

WADE: What are you talking about?

BUSTER: I mean when it comes to sleep, I need the least amount. I'm the lightest sleeper in the group.

WADE: No, you're not. This is the same kid that barely opened his eyes during the Super Bowl riot.

BUSTER: What? You actually think you sleep lighter than me?

WADE: Of course. My brain needs to be constantly stimulated. That's why I don't need as much sleep as you guys.

JAYLYNN: Oh, really?

WADE: Yeah, Michelle.

JAYLYNN: Well, get this. If your brain needs to be constantly stimulated, then why are you still in fourth grade?

WADE: I would answer that, but by doing so, I would also have to acknowledge the fact that we were all in fourth grade last year.

BUSTER: You just acknowledged it.

WADE: Well, at least I'm not going any further than that.

SPARKY: When it comes to sleep, I never sleep. Sleep is the cousin of death.

WADE: You're just biting Nas.

SPARKY: So what? It still applies to me. I'm such a light sleeper, my BRAIN shuts down at night. Burn.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah? I'm such a light sleeper, I can stay awake in math class. Ha!

WADE: I'm such a light sleeper, my eyes never blink. OH!

BUSTER: I'm such a light sleeper, that I sleep light because of how much of a light sleeper I am. BAM! WHAT?!

(long pause)

BUSTER: You guys seriously don't watch Liv & Maddie?

SPARKY: That's insulting to ME, and I've been watching Disney Channel since I was in diapers.

WADE: I'm not into the whole female buddy comedy schtick. That's the whole reason I stopped watching Shake It Up!

JAYLYNN: I wouldn't mind doing the nasty with Dove Cameron.

(long pause)

BUSTER: I know I should've addressed this before, but Jaylynn, are you lesbian?

SCENE 4

Children's Hospital

Dr. Kirshenbaum's Office

Seattle, Washington

(RK is sitting down waiting for Dr. Kirshenbaum to arrive)

RK: This place gives me the creeps. Oh well. At least there's that nice picture promoting a balanced diet.

(The picture shows fruits and vegetables holding a young boy at gunpoint, while fatty foods like cupcakes and pizza have been shot and killed)

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Is this my room?

RK: Wow, I don't know. You probably should check your name on the door to make sure.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Don't you understand good sarcasm?

RK: Yeah, and I also understand crappy sarcasm so I countered it with GOOD sarcasm.

(long pause)

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Nice. Anyway, according to your chart, you've been experiencing insomnia for the last two weeks?

RK: Yeah, I don't understand why.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Well, insomnia at your age is quite serious so that's why I'm here to help.

RK: Well, you're certainly not here to be funny. Because we both know you suck at that.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: You know, you don't have to be a jerk about it.

RK: I know. Lack of sleep makes me irritable and sarcastic.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: OK, well, before I prescribe you these sleeping pills, I have to know one thing: Are you gay?

(long pause)

RK: Why the (bleep) would you need to know that?

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: It's just a formality. I do that with all my patients. I ask my female patients if they're lesbian too.

RK: I'm bisexual, but I don't know what that has to do with...

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: OK then. I need you to take two of these every night for about a week. You should start to see improvement in your sleep as soon as you start.

RK: OK. Thanks, Dr. Kirshenbaum.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: No problem. So how does it feel to go both ways?

(long pause)

RK: You know, bisexuality isn't all that cool. You still have to deal with lame girls along with lame guys...

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: OK then.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK: I'm worried about this. What if these pills don't fix the problem? I mean, Dr. Kirshenbaum didn't really seem all that smart.

(RK takes two pills with water)

TWO HOURS LATER

RK once again wakes up. It's hinted that he was thinking about someone.

RK: Damn. I'm hardly even tired. And it's only 12:34.

(RK looks at the pills)

RK: Like I said before, Dr. Kirshenbaum didn't really seem all that smart. Besides, maybe taking four pills tonight will make me have an incredible sleep.

(RK takes two more pills with water and goes back to sleep)

The next day at school, before fourth period...

(noticing Testicular Sound Express) RK: Hey guys!

SPARKY: RK? Jolly? That's interesting.

RK: Well, after having an amazing sleep last night, why not be jolly?

WADE: You do realize you're late again, right? Nothing's changed.

RK: Why do you have to be so NEGATIVE? At least I'm not tired for once.

ASHLEY: Hi RK.

RK: I'm in love with you.

ASHLEY: What?

RK: I don't know. Anyway, hey, buddy. How are you doing today with your delicious cheekbones?

ASHLEY: Doing...just fine, thank you. And my cheekbones aren't even that developed.

BUSTER: Has anything developed?

(long pause)

RK: Gee, guys, are you tired? Man, I'm tired.

JAYLYNN: You just said you weren't tired.

RK: I did? Weird. Let's get to fourth period.

(RK walks slowly to his fourth period class, constantly yawning)

SPARKY: I don't think this is going to end well.

ASHLEY: You read my mind.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Mr. AuPont's Classroom

Seattle, Washington

(RK is sleeping again; Buster tries to wake him up)

BUSTER: RK? RK, dude? RK?

(almost suddenly) RK: Oh, Buster...

(RK kisses Buster on the lips, and that seems to have him up and running)

RK: My God, that was good stuff!

BUSTER: I don't like guys, but at least your breath didn't smell this time.

MR. AUPONT: Mr. Jennings, I heard you had your sleeping problems worked out. What's the issue now?

RK: Nothing, Mr. AuPont. I feel just fine.

MR. AUPONT: Well, in that case, let's continue with the lesson. OK? Now...

BUSTER: RK, you have to keep yourself awake. It's better for your well-being and better for my mouth.

RK: Don't worry, babe. I'm sharper than vodka with extra lime. I'll stay awake. Too late.

BUSTER: What do you mean too late?

(RK falls on the floor, dozing off)

BUSTER: RK!

(The "oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh" from the Big Time Rush theme song plays as Buster is running his hands through his hair in shock)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

WADE: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to another edition of RoundTable. The following question is, "Why do boy bands have a certain lifespan?"

RK: May I have the floor first?

WADE: Sure, go ahead.

RK: Thank you. Boy bands have a certain lifespan because of who they're marketed to: Teenage girls. Take New Kids on the Block for instance. Their music was just a bunch of bubblegum pop garbage. But teenage girls ate it up. You had five handsome young white guys who could sing and dance. Once they grow up and move away from that pop stuff, those teenage girls grow up too and don't support them anymore. And it's not like these boy bands have a good reputation outside the pop community, so what can they do now? Just fade away for a couple years and come back for nostalgic fans. It happened to the New Kids, it happened to the Backstreet Boys, it happened to *NSYNC, it happened to the Jonas Brothers, and I bet you it's going to happen to One Direction. It's a cycle.

WADE: Do you believe it's going to happen to Big Time Rush?

RK: It most likely will, but BTR doesn't have 1D's fanbase so even if it does, it won't really matter.

SPARKY: I want to elaborate on what RK said. Boy bands just aren't built to last. The one boy band I've seen that has serious musical talent is the Jonas Brothers. They played their own instruments and their songs sounded more personal than most boy bands. But they faded out and broke up. Imagine if the Beatles were in this era. They would probably fade out like everyone else.

JAYLYNN: I don't like hypothetical questions like that.

SPARKY: It's not necessarily a hypothetical question. But why?

JAYLYNN: Because that's just not how things are. The Beatles are in the era they're in because of happenstance. If they made songs like "Can't Buy Me Love" and "A Hard Day's Night" in 2013, obviously nobody would listen to them because the vocals are terrible and the production is dated.

SPARKY: They could make modernized versions of those songs. I'm just saying if The Beatles didn't start the boy band thing, they would've been trapped also.

BUSTER: I don't necessarily think The Beatles are a boy band but I see where you're coming from. The reason why boy bands have a certain lifespan is because of the genre they're in. Pop. Almost nothing lasts forever in pop anymore. Even back then, if you did pop, you would be the flavor of the month today and be yesterday's news tomorrow. If New Kids on the Block and *NSYNC did rock or funk or R&B, they would probably have had a longer run together. It's pop. It only appeals to casual fans. Back then, you could listen to anything because of record labels not knowing who to promote the music to. The game's changed.

WADE: Well, Sparky brought up a good point with the Jonas Brothers thing. Sparks, do you think the Jonas Brothers could've created a legacy?

SPARKY: Absolutely. They could've lit the world on fire. That's what I always say to people. If they give boy bands the benefit of the doubt, they would have a bigger chance to succeed. The Jonas Brothers definitely had the talent to be in that class with The Jackson 5, with The Monkees.

JAYLYNN: I don't think we're ever going to see a boy band in that class again. One Direction is not known by everybody like how The Jackson 5 were. Songs like "What Makes You Beautiful" and "Best Song Ever" aren't going to be played on radio stations in 20-25 years. Songs like "ABC" and "I'll Be There" are going to remain timeless. Big Time Rush probably won't even reach that One Direction level of success. I don't see it.

WADE: We'll be back next week with more RoundTable.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Guidance Counselor's Office

Seattle, Washington

(RK is once again sent to Mr. Darwish, and this time, only KG is pissed; long pause)

RK: So, Jamie...fancy meeting you here.

MR. DARWISH: RK, what happened? It was my understanding that you were taking the sleeping pills prescribed by Dr. Kirshenbaum.

RK: I was!

MR. DARWISH: So why were you sleeping in class?

RK: Beats me. I've been feeling fine all day.

KG: Did you take more pills than you were supposed to?

RK: Nope, not at all.

(KG raises his eyebrow at RK)

RK: Fine. They said to take two pills a night, but I couldn't sleep so I took two more.

KG: RK, you narcoleptic dick!

RK: I never narced on anyone in my life!

MR. DARWISH: No, what KG means is that the pill overdose gave you symptoms of narcolepsy. It's when you constantly feel the need to sleep, even though you're not tired.

RK: Well, someone should lock up Dr. Kirshenbaum and throw the key into Puget Sound. Dumb bastard trying to make people sick.

MR. DARWISH: Kirshenbaum has nothing to do with this. You just took too many pills, that's all.

KG: Do you think he can't sleep because of a personal problem he's just not coming to terms with?

MR. DARWISH: Most likely. It's happened to students in the past.

RK: Not coming to terms? Ryan Kennedy Jennings takes his personal problems and fights them head-on.

MR. DARWISH: But this problem isn't going away, is it?

RK: I guess not. What did you have in mind?

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: A seminar?

RK: Yeah. On Friday night, there's an overnight seminar in Spokane about sleep apnea, and it's going to be led by a world-famous sleep doctor. The point of the seminar is to get down to the root of our sleeping problems.

WADE: But I'm 100% sure you don't have sleep apnea. I mean, how does a fourth-grader end up with that?

RK: I know. But it's in the ballpark of my issues. And this is the only chance I have of finding out what's wrong with me.

SPARKY: Well, I honestly hope you get all the help you need, RK.

RK: Thanks Sparko.

BUSTER: Me too.

WADE: Me three.

RK: Thanks baby cakes. Thanks Wade.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Jaylynn?

(Jaylynn is on her iPhone, most likely oblivious to the topic at hand)

SPARKY: Jaylynn? JAYLYNN?!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, what?

SPARKY: Don't you have anything to say to RK?

JAYLYNN: About what?

BUSTER: RK's going to an overnight seminar on Friday to correct his sleeping problems. Were you not here for that?

JAYLYNN: Oh, sorry, I was distracted. So sorry. Best of luck, bro.

RK: Thanks Jaylynn. Well, I'll see you guys at school tomorrow.

SPARKY: Hang on! We need your opinion on something.

RK: OK, what?

WADE: Who's the group's lightest sleeper?

RK: Seriously?

SPARKY: Yeah, seriously.

RK: OK. Buster.

(imitating Daniel Bryan) BUSTER: YES! YES! YESSS!

WADE: Jackass.

RK: Why do you need my opinion on that? Isn't that more of a scientific fact?

SPARKY: Not exactly.

JAYLYNN: On Friday, we're going to find out who the lightest sleeper is when all four of us stay up for as long as possible.

WADE: It's scientifically proven that the lightest sleeper tends to get tired much later than those around them. Which is why I installed a green chip in all of our Swatches.

RK: What does the green chip do?

WADE: It measures how long a person can go without sleep. The contest starts at 10:30 which I personally synchronized for that time, so the person who stays up the latest will win. And the Swatches will know.

SPARKY: Hey, what's the prize?

WADE: I guess bragging rights and a little swagger in your step.

JAYLYNN: I can live with that.

RK: Bye guys.

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Bye!

(RK leaves the house)

(Buster disgustingly stares at Wade)

WADE: What? You think just because I'm black, I'm automatically a heavy sleeper? Probably going to send me some racist voicemail, huh? Well, I won't allow it, Buster! You're not Richie Incognito and I'm not Jonathan Martin. You don't just walk around and treat people like crap because of their race! YOU WANT TO KICK MY ASS, YOU RACIST BASTARD?! GO AHEAD, IT ALREADY GOT KICKED ONCE!

(long pause)

BUSTER: I was just going to tell you your fly is down.

(Wade notices this, and zips up his jeans)

WADE: Sorry Buster. Gee, I really need to stop getting myself into these things.

SCENE 9

Spokane Convention Center

Exterior Entrance

Spokane, Washington

(For some unknown reason, KG drove RK to the place for the seminar)

KG: I hope they fix whatever's wrong with you.

RK: You're making it seem like I'm bipolar or something.

KG: Damn, I never knew how to support people. I'll miss you, bro.

RK: You too, bro. Peace. And thanks for the ride.

KG: Any time.

(KG drives off while RK, holding two suitcases containing a change of clothes, toiletries and other things he might need, walks into the center and heads for Meeting Room #10. There, he sees a bunch of people waiting for the seminar to begin. He takes a seat next to an adult Caucasian male.)

RK: Hi. My name's Ryan, but my friends call me RK for short.

WHITE MALE: You're here for the sleep apnea seminar? Aren't you a little young to have sleeping problems?

(imitating Phineas Flynn) RK: Yes. Yes I am. But I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while and this is the only solution.

WHITE MALE: And why do you have that Scott Ian goatee? You look like you haven't even touched a razor.

RK: It's fake. My friends and I are celebrating Movember.

WHITE MALE: Oh, so you guys are wearing mustaches and beards and things?

RK: That's right. We've been doing it since the month started.

WHITE MALE: Well, my name's Harrison. Let me tell you the truth. I don't actually have a sleeping problem.

RK: Then why did you come?

HARRISON: Because I get a trip to Spokane, the best sleep of my life, and free donuts are given to those who attend.

RK: How do you know all that? Did they send a pamphlet? I NEVER read that shit!

HARRISON: No, they have it every year at this time.

RK: Oh. I wonder who the doctor is.

HARRISON: You'll love him. Arguably the best sleep doctor in the Pacific Northwest.

RK: Oh no.

JUSTIN ROBERTS: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 7th Annual Spokane Sleep Apnea Overnight Seminar!

RK: Do they get that guy for everything now?

HARRISON: Pretty much.

JUSTIN ROBERTS: And now, please welcome your host, world-famous sleep doctor, MR. MICHAEL KIRSHENBAUM!

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the (bleep) seminar.

RK: GAAAAHHHH!

SCENE 10

Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn all had to hook up their Swatches to their pants at 10:30 PM PST. This, combined with the Swatch's artificial intelligence that Wade implanted, will measure the amount of time it takes for the kids to fall asleep. The last kid awake wins, and will officially be declared the lightest sleeper in Testicular Sound Express (discounting RK).

("Move To The Music" by American Bang playing in the background)

All four kids are doing their best to stay awake. Whenever one is eliminated, the other Swatches are informed and they can also find out who's still in it. Buster appears to have the easiest time, drinking Mountain Dew to gain an edge and watching The Parkers, which is scientifically proven to hold his attention. Jaylynn tries her best, but clocks out at 11:47 PM. In the words of Michael Cole, see ya, bye. Sparky does his best to stay awake (He's notorious for falling asleep easily; see "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013") by dancing and exercising, but all that does is make him tired. He is eliminated at 1:22 AM. However, he does a great job, because according to Vegas oddsmakers, Sparky wasn't even expected to make it past midnight. Both Buster and Wade fall asleep at times that are unknown to the viewers.

SCENE 11

Spokane Convention Center

Interior Meeting Room #10

Spokane, Washington

SUZANNE: And my boss is very unpredictable. One day he'll tell you you're doing a great job and the next day he'll threaten you with termination papers.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: I know exactly why you haven't been sleeping lately, Suzanne. It's approaching the holiday season and your boss is making budget cuts. There's not enough room for everyone to get that coveted Christmas bonus. You're a great employee, but you're afraid you're going to be fired.

SUZANNE: Exactly. I feel like I've been ignoring the answer for too long.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Well, don't worry. The whole point of this seminar is to get those answers.

RK: Sweet Yeezus.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Oh, look, it's Mr. Bisexual Who Was Too Stupid To Follow Instructions And Overdosed On Sleeping Pills. You know, we haven't helped you out yet.

RK: You know, I don't like you, Kirshenbaum. I don't like your style, I don't like what you stand for. And these people don't need your help. They can find the answers themselves.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Then why are you here?

(long pause)

RK: I...I don't know.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: You're here for help. And I can provide you that help.

RK: Fine. Take your best shot, Kirsh.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: I know you're thinking about someone.

RK: How?

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: I mentioned "Ashley" and...

RK: Oh, Ashley, my Hispanic goddess.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Exactly that. You're going gaga over this Ashley girl. And you told me that you believe you're thinking about someone.

RK: Yeah, Buster. My one and only true love.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: I can tell that's never going to happen.

(long pause)

RK: Billy Madison?

(RK requested, and received, a clip from Billy Madison. The clip in question is the scene where Billy is on Jeopardy! and just answered the judge's statement of "reflections of society in literature.")

JUDGE: What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: You can deny it with movie cutaways all you want, but the fact remains that you're crazy for this Ashley girl.

(long pause; RK sighs heavily, having to cough)

RK: You want to hear me say it? I have serious romantic feelings for my friend Ashley Rodriguez, OK? I didn't want to, but...she's one of the most amazing girls I've ever known. I thought I should get in good with her after her friend moved, but she stole my heart before I even knew. I care about her a lot.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: And your subconscious has harbored deep-seeded desires for Ashley, but I don't think you're ready yet. So in turn, you thought about her constantly and those secret desires made you lose sleep.

RK: Oh my God, it makes perfect sense. Like that Who's The Boss? episode where Angela constantly calls for Tony in her sleep! Wait, I hate Who's The Boss?

(RK stares at the camera in confusion)

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Yeah, not exactly like that, but close to it.

RK: Wow. Dr. Kirshenbaum, you're worth the hype and then some.

DR. KIRSHENBAUM: Thank you, RK. And I hope tonight marks the end of your sleeping problems.

RK: They sure do.

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Jaylynn are spending their Saturday morning watching TV.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Generic White Show. Generic white people situations for generic white people like you.

ZACK: This job is really stressing me out, Megan. Everybody's on my damn case all the time!

(Megan rubs Zack's shoulders; her voice is very similar to Megan Fox's)

MEGAN: You just need a break, honey. How about tonight? We can watch Saturday Night Live, I can cook some chicken parmigiana.

ZACK: That sounds pretty good, I can't lie.

MEGAN: You bet, sweetheart. And the best part is, we don't have to worry about anyone else. Just us.

JAYLYNN: I don't understand this show at all.

SPARKY: Me neither. But for some reason, I feel the need to keep watching.

JAYLYNN: Me too.

(Sparky and Jaylynn are now in a zombie-like state; Wade and Buster step in the house)

WADE: Guess who the lightest sleeper in Testicular Sound Express is!

SPARKY: CRANBERRIES!

JAYLYNN: I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME AGAIN!

(long pause)

BUSTER: Ewwwww, Generic White Show. That show only furthers the stereotype that white people act white ALL the time.

WADE: I kicked Buster's ass in the contest.

BUSTER: You went to sleep 15 minutes after me. Not much of an ass-kicking.

SPARKY: So, it looks like Wade has the swagger in his step.

JAYLYNN: As if he needs more of it.

BUSTER: You guys are lucky. You didn't have to hear this jackass brag all the way here about it.

WADE: You should've been there, guys. It was like Mantle against Maris, Graduation against Curtis, John Cena against Batista.

BUSTER: I get it.

WADE: And in the end, the much better man won. But this victory is not just for me.

BUSTER: I get it!

WADE: This is for everybody who has ever been doubted. Everybody who has had to rally back from insurmountable odds. Everybody who has dug down deep and come through in the clutch.

BUSTER: I SAID I GET IT!

(Buster hits Wade with Sweet Chin Music and leaves; long pause)

JAYLYNN: Buster's right. We should watch something more true-to-life.

SPARKY: Exactly. Hey, this looks accurate. Generic Black Show featuring Angry Asian Corner Store Owner.

DRE: Yo, Mookie. We need to steal these sodas, man. It's the Five-Finger Discount.

MOOKIE: Dre, man, that's cold wrong, man.

ASIAN STORE OWNER: STUPID NIGGERS, BUY SOMETHING OR GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE!

DRE: Run, this sucka's got a gun!

ASIAN STORE OWNER: GET OUT OF MY STORE! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH AND SAY I USED STAND YOUR GROUND SO I WON'T HAVE TO GO TO JAIL!

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: And now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("It's My Thing" by EPMD playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY