Love Me like A Love Song
Shuichi took a breath before he turned his key and let himself into his lover's apartment. Yuki had of course kicked him out after their last fight, but hadn't told him not to come back which Shuichi took as a good sign. He had waited a few days and then ventured back to the apartment he shared with his lover.
He opened the door on what could only be described as a disaster. The table had been flipped, two of its legs lying broken beside it. The books and magazines that had been on top of it lay strewn about the living room, all ripped covers and torn pages. There were several long gashes leaking stuffing in the couch's upholstery, apparently caused by the knife that was now jammed into one of the cushions. Nearby to this wreckage was what Shuichi could only assume used to be the control to the TV, now just a mass of plastic and wires.
Shuichi looked around the room with large eyes, a little stunned and not really sure what to do. In a ridiculous fit of manners he raised his hand a knocked softly on the inside of the door he had opened.
"Yuki?"
No one answered but he heard the water running in the kitchen. Shuichi closed the door quietly behind him, leaving his coat and bag there but keeping his shoes on, unsure of what he was going to find farther into the disheveled apartment.
As he padded quietly down the hall, he caught sight of his blonde lover in the kitchen, leaning over the sink. The rest of the apartment seemed in good order so Shuichi assumed that the damaged has been caused by Yuki having a bad night, a theory supported by the mostly empty liquor bottle and full ashtray on the counter. Shuichi paused at the kitchen door, suddenly a little unsure.
"Yuki?"
The other man didn't look up, or even turn his head.
"I thought I threw you out."
Shuichi came around the counter, towards his lover.
"You did. I came back."
Yuki grunted. Shuichi inched a little closer. He was sure Yuki would never be physically violent towards him, but sometimes his words hurt just as much as it would have if he had actually hit Shuichi, and Shuichi had never seen him this destructive. Sure, he threw books or papers when he had writer's block, had broken a dish or two when they fought but he had destroyed his whole living room. Shuichi edged closer carefully until he was standing next to his taller lover at the sink and could see what he was doing.
"Yuki! What happened?!"
Yuki was holding his hand under, judging by his red and trembling fingers, what Shuichi could only guess was very cold water. There were several very deep looking gashes in palm which were still slowly trickling blood. Now that he was closer to the other man Shuichi could see his shoulders were trembling with fatigue and he wondered how long he had been standing there. Yuki turned his head and looked at his tiny lover with his sharp, golden eyes.
"I got in a fight with the lamp and lost."
When Shuichi raised his eyebrows Yuki gestured over his shoulder with his chin. Shuichi turned to the open door to his lover's office and saw the lamp from his desk smashed on the floor. One particularly long, jagged piece lay nearer to the kitchen floor than the others. It was covered in blood on one side and Shuichi guessed that it must have been the one that cut Yuki. He turned back to the other man and turned off the tap. He wrapped his lover's hand in the dish towel off the oven door and sat him down at one of the stools at the counter before he went to go root around for the first aid kit.
"Make sure you keep it above your heart."
When he came back down the hall Yuki was trying to light a cigarette with his free hand. Shuichi rolled his eyes and put the kit on the counter before taking the lighter from the blonde man. Yuki's bright eyes followed his young lover as the man transferred the cigarette to his own mouth and lit it before sticking it back between Yuki's lips. Yuki took a few puffs as Shuichi arranged the kit and sat down across from him.
"Since when do you smoke?"
Shuichi smiled softly as he unwrapped Yuki's hand.
"That's how I light them for Hiro when he's too drunk to do it himself."
Yuki nodded as he exhaled his last lungful of smoke and killed the cigarette with his free hand. Shuichi studied the hand gently, swabbing it with disinfectant.
"Why did you grab it so many times?"
Yuki shook his head.
"I don't know, it just happened."
"You should have had stiches, but it's too late now."
Shuichi cleaned the wound gently but thoroughly, and butterfly bandaged both halves of the largest wound closed. Yuki watched as his lover started to wrap his wounded hand in gauze, cradling the poor swollen hand in both of his small ones. When he was done wrapping it Shuichi leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Yuki's hurt palm. Then he stood and helped his lover to his office, stepping carefully around the broken lamp, and sitting him on the couch in the corner, by the bookshelf. He swept up the lamp and poured what was left in the bottle on the counter into a glass that he brought to Yuki.
Shuichi sat carefully on the other side of the couch, regarding his lover with his large, dark eyes. Yuki drained the glass and set it on the small table beside him, a little clumsy with his bandaged hand. Shuichi watched him closely before sliding down the couch towards the other man. He pressed soft kisses to Yuki's neck and ear, holding the wounded hand gently around the wrist. Yuki pulled his head away to look the smaller man in the eyes.
"What are you doing?"
Shuichi smiled softly, leaning forward again to place another kiss on his lover's neck.
"Killing you with kindness. It's much more effective than whatever it was you were trying to do."
Yuki smiled a little in spite of himself, moving Shuichi's hand from his wounded one to his good hand so he could hold it. He lowered his head down slowly into Shuichi's lap, letting his young lover stroke his hair. There were a few moments of comfortable and companionable silence, in which Yuki listened to Shuichi's heartbeat before he spoke again.
"Why did you come back?"
Shuichi shrugged.
"Because I love you. Why did you destroy the apartment?"
Yuki sat up rather quickly, ignoring his lover's question. He fixed his sharp gaze on his little lover and Shuichi realized it had been a very long time since he had seen Yuki so serious. He raised his hand to run his fingers softly over the other man's cheek.
"What, Yuki? What is it?"
"Why did you come back?"
Shuichi knit his eyebrows together, observing the other man with some confusion. He reached up to wrap a hand around the back of the blonde's neck, trying to pull him into a kiss.
"Yuki—"
Yuki grabbed his hand and held it fiercely, bordering on painful. Shuichi tugged at the other man's grip futilely, Yuki being twice his strength even with a damaged hand.
"Why did you come back Shu?"
The man looked so desperate that it almost broke Shuichi's heart. He stopped struggling against his lover's grasp and took in the expression on the other man's face. Yuki's bright eyes held something that Shuichi had never seen there before; fear. Shuichi wrapped his free hand again around the back of the other man's neck and pulled him forward gently until Yuki's head was resting on his chest. He kissed the top of the other man's head and stroked his hair softly.
"I came back because I love you. Is that why you destroyed your apartment? You thought I wasn't coming back?"
"Our apartment," Yuki's voice was muffled by Shuichi's shirt. "It's our apartment."
Shuichi smiled is spite of himself.
"Is that why?"
Yuki nodded against his lover's chest, not looking him in the eye. He sat up slowly and took a deep breath.
"Do you think…I love you?"
Shuichi looked down at his hands. He felt his lover's gaze boring into the side of his skull so he looked up. Large violet eyes met anxious golden ones. Shuichi looked away from his lover, shifting a little on the couch before he took a deep breath. He swallowed thickly, speaking slowly and choosing his words as carefully as possible.
"I…I don't know Yuki. Do you love me?"
Shuichi looked up to meet the larger man's eyes once more and almost flinched at the raw pain he saw there. He took another breath, opened his mouth to speak and then reconsidered.
"Eiri," Yuki said softly, not quite looking Shuichi in the eye. "You call me Eiri…"
Shuichi smiled then, probably an inappropriate response to the situation but he couldn't help it. While he had called his older lover by his first name a handful of times, he had never been welcomed to do so. Warmth spread across his chest all the way down to the tips of his fingers and toes. He reached our gently and guided Yuki's face gently towards him. The corner of the other man's mouth turned up in spite of himself when he little lover addressed him by name.
"Eiri, I think you love me as much as you know how. You don't love yourself, and you can't love anyone else until you do. Not really."
Eiri looked at him sadly. Shuichi saw tears in his lover's eyes and he felt a lump growing in his throat. He never liked seeing Eiri in pain.
"I'm sorry."
Shuichi was puzzled; he was the one who had hurt Yuki's feelings. He should be the one apologising. Eiri reached out and cupped his cheek softly before pulling Shuichi across towards him. Shuichi sprawled gracelessly across Eiri's lap and probably landed on his injured hand, but Yuki had his hand tangled in Shuichi's bright hair and was kissing him with such ferociousness that he wasn't really paying attention to anything else. When they finally broke apart Shuichi just stared quizzically up at his lover from where he was across his legs, unable to form proper words. Eiri stroked his cheek lightly with a fingertip.
"I'm sorry that I don't show you how I feel about you. I'm sorry that I can't show you. That I don't know how. I'm sorry you don't know how I feel."
Eiri pulled Shuichi up to rest against his chest. He wrapped the arm with the injury around the smaller man's back so he could lay the hurt hand against his little love's shoulder. Shuichi pressed his face into the crook of Yuki's neck while the other man sniffed his hair deeply. He rubbed Shuichi's back gently with his good hand.
"If you stay, I'll do better."
Shuichi looked up at his boyfriend, awkward angle that it was, and smiled. He hummed happily and burrowed his face back into the crook of Eiri's shoulder. Then he hummed a few lines from the American pop song Love Me like a Love Song, making his lover chuckle. Yuki shook his head at his little lover.
"Let's not go that far, I said I'd do better but I'm not really going to change. You know that."
"I know," Shuichi said softly, reaching up to run a finger along Eiri's lips.
His lover's brows knit in concern.
"But you'll stay Shu-Chan?"
The term of endearment made Shuichi smile softly against the underside of Yuki's chin.
"Of course I'll stay….I love you Eiri. What happened to you, it can't be undone right away but I'm willing to help you through it (1). I don't expect you to be able to trust, or show your emotions right away. You'll get there when you're ready. And besides, I know you secretly care about me."
Shuichi wiggled his eyebrows semi-suggestively at his lover who chuckled again and muttered something into Shuichi's hair that sounded suspiciously like baka (2). They sat listening to the clock for a minute while Eiri clutched Shuichi tightly to his chest, not wanting to let him know. Shuichi decided to break the silence when he felt that Yuki was worrying excessively.
"Just no more fighting with lamps…"
Eiri laughed and agreed. Shuichi disentangled himself from his lover then, taking his good hand and leading him down the hall to their bedroom. That was one room where he never doubted Eiri's love for him.
(1) Eiri was assaulted at the permission of his first love, whom he hoped to give his virginity to. He killed the men, as well as his would be lover but the event deeply impacted his ability to feel and show emotions as well as trust.
(2) Idiot, one of two "pet names" Eiri has for Shuichi (the other being Brat).