Authors note:

I realize this story isn't as good as I might have hoped. But hey! cut me some slack, its my first fanfic. So please tell me what you think and how i can improve. I'm also sorry i didnt give it a real ending, but if anyones interested in knowing what happens, just ask and i will complete it.

This story takes place a few month after the battle of Hogwarts in HP7. It is a comedy, Action-Adventure Romance about Harry's life after Voldemorts defeat. Be sure to leave me your reviews if you like it or hate it. Also, because this is a comedy it will contain some crude humor and also some OOC characters. The one big difference in this story, is that Fred isn't dead. Yes, Fred is alive, 'cause i needed him to be in the story later on. You'll see why, if u keep reading.

The first few chapters are just mood setters, it gets much better later on, so don't worry.

Rated Mature for starred (*) language and VIVID reference to sex, drugs and also contains gory Violence in further chapters.

Enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE

I think I slept with Ron

Voldemort was not a normal young boy. He was a wizard, and on top of being a wizard he was the boy who lived. He got this title because the evil wizard baby Harry Potter refused to die and tried to shatter Voldemort's soul. But Voldemort's soul was secretly hidden in a forest and he becamethe boy who lived. And everyone, even the wonderful and kind Bellatrix hated the evil and notorious… Harry Potter.

I woke up in my bed. Scared, wondering if the dream was true, if I was really the bad guy, but the shock went away in a second as I realized that a dream is nothing more than a dream.

"Bloody hell Harry, you sure sweat when you have nightmares". Ron said as he stretched. I was about to ask him how he knew I was having a nightmare, but I just realized I was sleeping next to Ron, in the same bed…

"What the f*** Ron? Why are you in my Bed?" I asked.

"Oh, I was having a nightmare too Harry" said Ron.

I stared at him in disgust. "So you decided to sleep next to me? I mean, what would Ginny think if she saw us?"

"She did" he said with an idiotic smile.

I wanted to punch him but decided my wand would be more threatening. I think he noticed my anger and quickly added "but she didn't mind, she said she was fine with u being bi, just as long as you aren't gay."

"You're a d*ck, you know that?" I said to him.

"But you have to understand harry, I was being attacked by huge spiders, and I knew if my dream became real you would protect me" he blushed as he said it "because you're so manly and have such boyish good looks and huge biceps and triceps and highceps and lowceps and backceps and frontceps etc. etc".

"Why didn't you go sleep with Hermione? She's much better than me at magic?"

"But she's a girl Harry". He said innocently.

"So you'd rather sleep with me than your girlfriend?" I asked.

His face turned redder than his hair "well, I wouldn't exactly call her my girlfriend, we've only kissed once and that was in the middle of the deadliest battle in history" he said. "Not very romantic is it?"

"But dude, you were like swallowing her whole face" I said with a laugh, "it looked like you were going to suck her mouth dry." The last thing I remember after that was Ron screaming "SHUT UP!" and a punch in the face. Then, everything went black.

I woke up with a pain in my face and Ginny sitting by my side on the bed. Hermione was standing on the other side of the room and hiding behind her was Ron asking Ginny if I was dead.

"You're not that strong Ron" said an annoyed Hermione.

I wanted to get up and beat the shit out of Ron but my face was hurting too much. He was crouched cowardly behind Hermione.

"Why did you punch him? You dumbass" Ginny scolded Ron.

Ron went red again.

I must admit, I had started to admire his color changing ability. "How long was I out?" I asked Ginny. But Hermione answered.

"Just a few minutes, like I said… Ron isn't that strong"

We put the matter behind us and Ron and Hermione left. Ginny just sat there looking at me, I could tell she wanted to talk to me about something; either that or she was having her period. I don't know. Do periods make you stare at people making them uncomfortable? I really don't know because I've never had one and they don't teach you this stuff at Hogwarts. But then she started to talk. Thank God it wasn't her period.

"My dad's coming over." She said. "He said he needs your help with something".

A few hours later Mr. and Mrs. Weasley showed up at our door. It was the second time the two came to visit since Ron, Hermione, Ginny and I moved in. We bought this place in a muggle town named Poopinshire (muggles have no shame). It was a nice neighborhood. The couple who lived on our right was murdered by their deformed son, and the kids on our left had recently been kidnapped so we didn't need to worry about too much noise. And in the house across from us lived a 12 year old girl named Abby. She was a real joy to see in the morning. She wore all black and had scars on her face and wrists. I've never seen her parents, but I see her every morning standing still on the front lawn with a rusty chain holding together her hands and feet to her neck. When Ginny and I have kids I want them to be just like her. She's so cute.

Anyway, I'm off topic. It's always pretty fun when we all get together because usually me and Mr. Weasley join forces and make fun of Ron until he cries. This time was no different. We were sitting at the dinner table when we started.

"One time when Ron was little he ate his own poo" told Mrs. Weasley. We all laughed (except Ron). The conversation went on for about an hour before Ron punched me in the face again. I woke to see Ron crying in the corner and Hermione consoling him. I guess I should have seen it coming this time.

In all the hype of calming Ron down, Mr. Weasley asked me to step outside with him for a moment. It was a full moon tonight. And it was also the first time I saw Abby outside at night. She was standing in her usual spot. I waved at her but she just stood there, she's a shy girl.

"Son, I wanted to talk to you about something" he said. I paid attention because it seemed serious.

"I was talking to the minister the other day. He said that ever since you defeated Voldemort, there has been a serious rise in criminal activity the department of Magical law enforcement is going crazy" he said with a sigh.

"But I thought that Voldemort's death would put an end to all the evil stuff" I said.

"Yes well, Voldemort wasn't the only criminal in our world was he? And now that he's dead it seems by destroying Voldemort, we've left all the other criminals a space to roam in. they don't have a boss to report to anymore, they don't have any orders to follow. They are looking to be the new Bosses, they want to take over"

"But who do you mean by 'they'? I thought we killed most of the death eaters?"

"Well Harry, not all bad people supported Voldemort. He had his enemies, people who wanted to take over the wizarding world for themselves" He sighed once more. "Voldemort's death has left his position as leader open".

I looked over across the street at Abby she seemed to be paying attention to what we were saying, and I just realized that she was a muggle. Mr. Weasley probably realized it too because he then proceeded to say in an unnaturally loud voice "Good job Harry, you are a wonderful actor… umm… our play about wizards will be a hit. Let's go back and perform it in front of the Family". And with that he led me back into the house. While our way in, he whispered something in my ear, "Kingsley has asked for your help, he wants you and Ron to become Aurors".