Arthur's lips parted as he brought the chalice up to meet them, the sweet red wine thick and rich as it slipped down his throat and intoxicated his mind and body as it kicked in. His gaze lingered over the crowded dining hall as he took it all in, their company as satisfying as a dying fire on a cold night, his craving growing by the minute.
"Are you alright my love?" Gwen's voice brought him back from the thoughts swirling around his mind that seemed to plague his every waking moment, making him draw away from his closest companions for fear they might figure them out.
"Just...tired." he replied, and at least that was part of the truth, he'd been exhausted for days now both mentally and physically from sleepless nights and endless days of pushing himself to his limit.
"Would you like me to get someone to escort you back to our chambers?" she asked and he only shook his head as he pushed his chair back and stood, his head spinning from his large consumption of wine and leaning against the table until he could gain his composure. "Arthur, please let someone take you back." Gwen insisted as she lightly touched his arm noticing how unbalanced her husband had become and fearing he might fall and hurt himself.
"I'll be fine, I just...need to be alone right now." he said as he stumbled from the room quietly out one of the back doors, everyone too engrossed in each other to notice the absence of his presence. But there was one person's absence Arthur felt too deeply, one that worried him to the core as he looked out at the star filled night sky and wondered how he was, if he'd woken up yet.
Finally pulling himself away from the edge of the open hallway arch that looked out upon the courtyard, Arthur stumbled not towards his chambers, but toward Gaius'. As he knocked on the hard wood door h began to regret this decision at such a late time of the evening but before he could turn and leave the door opened to reveal Gaius in his night robes, looking surprised to find him standing there.
"Sire, is everything well?" Gaius questioned believing he would only be there at such an hour if there was an emergency.
"No...well yes...it's..."Arthur slurred and stumbled over his words as he tried to get them out. "It's Merlin...I'd like to see him, if you don't mind." he finally managed to spit out and without a word Gaius stepped to the side and allowed him to enter, not needing to direct him to the young warlocks room where he laid recovering from a nearly fatal poisonous snake bite courtesy of Morgana.
The door creaked as he pushed it open, light rushing in and penetrating the darkness to illuminate the sickly pale boy that laid still as stone even as the light hit his face, and Arthur grabbed a nearby candle and lit it before closing the door to allow him some privacy and sitting in the chair placed next to his bed.
"Merlin...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." Arthur began as tears formed in his eyes and he snaked his hand under Merlin's and gripped it, his hand cold as ice. "I need you to come back to me...I need you-" a sob choked off his words as tears left warm trails down his cheeks and dropped onto the blanket beneath his elbows as he leaned towards his friend, who he no longer felt as a friend, but as something more. He could feel something inside him developing for the dark haired man, something he couldn't explain fully yet, but it was something that he had to keep to himself in the presence of others that made him feel so alone.
But here, in the presence of Merlin, he felt comfort and the companion ship he so desperately craved that no one else could fulfill. His hand reached up and brushed his dark locks back, caressed his forehead, and closed his eyes as he tried to stop the salty drops that slipped onto his lips and fight the tiredness that tried to consume his body.
"You know everything about me, every damn secret, except one. This one buzzes through my bloodstream like nothing I've ever felt before and it punctures my heart deeply, because I know I can never tell anyone. But I'm going to tell you, because I know you can hear me and I need you to wake up, I need you by my side, clotpole." Arthur said hoping the insult would make him stir, make him open those sapphire coloured eyes and tell him that he was the clotpole, but he was met with nothing but the same quick rise and fall of Merlin's chest.
"Please, I can't lose you. I...I...damn it, why is this so hard!" Arthur shouted as he wiped his eyes furiously, angry at himself for crying and at Merlin for not listening or showing any sign of life besides his breathing.
"Sire?" Gaius called from the other side of the door and Arthur began to take deep breaths in order to calm himself down.
"Everything is fine Gaius, I'll be out in a minute." Arthur replied knowing he'd already spent a suspicious amount of time in there already and that he needed to wrap this up quickly. "I'll make you a deal. You wake up and I'll tell you my secret." he whispered before leaning up slowly, his lips inches away from the others forehead as he looked at him unsure before his eyes closed and his lips grazed his skin for a second and he pulled back quickly, standing from the chair and blowing the candle out before exiting the room.
"Thank you, Gaius. If anything changes I want to know straight away." Arthur said as he left the chambers in haste, his broken heart pumping the alcohol painfully through his veins as sleep deprivation began to weigh heavily on him. He couldn't lose Merlin, if he did it would destroy him, and he didn't want to be left alone without his real love, his true love. That is why Arthur withdrew from everyone, why his bloodstream screams inside him every night, and why his thoughts consumed him so deeply that he couldn't sleep at night.