Hello again, dear readers...this is the third story in the 'Primum non nocere' universe. If you haven't read that story or it's sequel, 'Inteuri', you will need to do so...NOW...for this to make sense.
I know this first chapter is just Maura prose, but bear with me. I missed her terribly when I took my little vacation to write 'To Protect and Serve' in Jane's POV, so I needed to indulge and get inside of her mind for a bit. I promise that chapter 2 will have PLENTY of Maura/Jane fluff (and smut). :)
As always, I appreciate your time reading and reviewing (hint, hint.) But it's true, reviews make my world go round... Happy reading!
As I sit on my little chair, bathed in silence, I enjoy the scenery from outside my home office window.
Being stuck in a basement morgue most of the time could result in low levels of Vitamin D from lack of sunlight, so I insist on surrounding myself with as much natural light as possible when I'm not at work.
It is a beautiful autumn day outside and Jane has taken Jo out to the back yard for some playtime. She tried to hide her annoyance when the dog refused to leave my side, finally resorting to picking her up and carrying her out, muttering the entire time about 'misguided canine loyalty.'
Studies of canine and human interaction have shown that a dog will generally prefer one person in the house over another. Generally, a dog will become strongly bonded to the family member they feel provides them with an equal amount of affection and discipline. I have tried to explain to Jane the reason Jo prefers to remain close to me is because I give her a lot of attention while engaging her mind by asking her to do obedience commands as well as tricks. Jane argues it's because I feed her table scraps; only healthy ones, of course. Regardless, Jo and I have a lovely bond that we both enjoy. I am going to sign her up for agility classes this winter. I recently read an article in the Whole Dog Journal that explained the cardiovascular benefits agility provides to both dog and handler and think it would be a fun way for the terrier to burn off some energy once the snow starts to fall. I'm not certain if a study has even been done about if Seasonal Affective Disorder is present in dogs as well as humans. I will have to do more research, as I would hate to have Jo become depressed once winter hits.
The subtle hmm of my computer combined with the gentle tick of the clock on the wall are the only sounds present in the silent house. Otherwise, it is so quiet that if I hold still long enough, I can hear the faint lub dub of my own heart, beating rhythmically. The heart that beats for Jane.
I observe the object of my affection, appreciating her slim form as jogs around the yard with Jo. She has exceptional musculature for someone with such a lean body structure. Her deltoids are the most impressive, in my opinion, but today they are unfortunately hidden under her sweatshirt.
However, I've memorized them, so by closing my eyes and concentrating, I can imagine every contour and every freckle. My face flushes as I recall the particular 'Maura mouth' indent I inadvertently left last night. Jane, however, didn't seem to mind and I actually caught her admiring it in the bathroom mirror this morning while wearing nothing else other than a smug smile.
Reaching her left arm down to grasp Jo's saliva-ridden ball, she flexes her brachioradialis muscle. That is another one of my favorites. Her long arm comes up victorious and hurls the ball across the yard. Jo, her hair flying in the breeze, chases it with enthusiasm. I notice as she returns to Jane with the ball tucked firmly between her premolars, that her hair around her face is much too long.
I dart a quick email off to her groomer, confirming our appointment for Jo later this afternoon. I think I finally have Jane convinced to allow them to put bows in her hair this time. Something Thanksgiving themed perhaps, as the holiday is tomorrow and we are taking Jo with us to Jane's parents for dinner.
I keep myself busy with other little tasks, content to watch their fun from my window. After moving in to this home, I wisely invested in soundproof windows. I find it very relaxing to have sunlight streaming in; warming my face and arms, but keeping all noises out. One look outside confirms that our busy neighborhood is taking advantage of the gorgeous day, yet I don't hear a sound.
It is uniquely lonely and comforting to sit here and watch the world pass by. Partially, I feel as if I have the best of both worlds. I have the silence and solitude I cherish so much; while the ability to observe everything going on in my surroundings.
I used to feel like this all the time, even when I was surrounded by people. Once, I was lying in bed with Garrett; obviously before I knew he was a murderer, and he was talking about something. I wasn't paying attention at the time, and even though I should've been active in the conversation, I wasn't. The terrible thing is that I can remember every color woven into his luxurious comforter, and the exact shade of paint on the wall; Sherwin Williams decorator white in an eggshell finish. I can still recall how many ceramic tiles completed the bathroom floor, and what laundry service he used. However, the nature of the conversation is absent from my memory. I laid there and allowed him to take my hand in his, kiss me, make love to me, and still felt nothing. When he finally drifted off to sleep, I stared at the ceiling for hours and counted every texture line in the acoustical ceiling. I made a decision to try and live as normal of a life as I could. Garrett didn't seem to mind that I was distant; he actually didn't even seem to notice. I could easily play the role of a devoted wife and continue to live my life in the dreamy haze of disillusion I had created for myself.
My enchanted world quickly faded away when he started mentioning having children. He needed heirs to the Fairfield throne, and as his future wife, I was responsible for producing them. I couldn't bring myself to be the type of parent I grew up with, that wasn't an option for me. Having the childhood I had, and seeing the person that I had become due to it, terrified me. I knew I could only bring children into this world if I could be a loving and nurturing person.
So, I tried. I forced myself to become more affectionate with Garrett. He seemed to appreciate the extra attention, yet I still found myself disappearing during our sexual relations only to focus on mundane events such as what I'd wear to class tomorrow, and exactly how much spare change was in jar on my desk. Counting the number of pennies and nickels I could see, I would play a game with myself to predict exactly how much was in the jar. Once Garrett was done and asleep, I'd count it and see how close I was. I was able to improve my guess each time and I was able to analytically predict the hidden change with more practice.
One night, I made the perfect guess. I can eerily recall holding the three dollars and thirty-seven cents in my hand, the coins chiming together amidst his heavy snores. I felt obscure jubilation in my correct guess, but once it wore off I realized what I had become. I sat there, in the exact chair that I sit in now, and realized that I would never be the person I was trying to valiantly to be. That my new persona was an exercise in futility, and that it wasn't fair to him to continue to be in this relationship. In the morning, I called it off with him.
I continued to date, but would sever ties with anyone who I felt was trying to get close to me. Assuming I'd be alone for the rest of my life, I began to focus instead on my career and finding my birth parents. Both of those decisions led me to Boston, and to Jane.
After starting a friendship with her, I realized that I was capable of giving and receiving love, even when disguised as friendly affection. Soon, my emotions ran free in regards to all things "Jane." It would have been much easier in some ways to remain alone, but look what I would have been missing out on.
I had to make a decision on what kind of person I was going to be. Everyone has both good things and bad things happen to them, and as we mature we can decide if we are going to let our past influence us. We can deal with the traumas we've endured, or we can push them away. I've found that the more you push, the harder it will push back, usually when you least expect it. I have absorbed all of the negativity I've had in my life, dissected it, studied it, allowed the feelings to be felt, and am now content to allow it to lie peacefully beneath the surface, like a shipwreck.
The wind is strong today, and the trees are waving gently in the breeze. The leftover leaves in the yard swirl around Jane's legs, and every so often Jo will lose focus in the ball and go chasing after them with soundless yip. I see Jane open her mouth to laugh as Jo dives headfirst into the bushes after her ball, and although I can't hear it, I know exactly what it sounds like.
It has to be her extra-exuberant laugh, full and loud. She is in extremely good spirits today, especially since we were able to have today off together, which is a rarity in itself.
Before Jane, I would have sat here all day, completing busy work, and enjoying the lovely day from afar. And while I still crave these moments for myself, the cravings are greatly reduced. I find myself braving the outside world more often, and spending less and less quiet time alone. At first I thought that I was becoming co-dependent for Jane's company but I do not think that is the case. I've concluded from the psychological analysis I've done on myself that my confidence with people and the outside world is growing due to my comfort level with Jane and her family.
This year, I am going to put myself to the test and do something I've always wanted to do. I'm going shopping on Black Friday. This will be the final test to gauge the success of my immersion therapy while experiencing fantastic bargains. I may even invite Angela to go with me.
Jane waves to me through the window, a wide smile on her face. I smile back at her, and laugh when she motions to me to come and join her. Her effervescent personality never fails to amuse me. For someone so serious and tightly-wound, when she is in a good mood she exudes an infections amount of joie-de-vivre that is difficult to resist. My solitude is broken, but I don't mind a bit.
Hopping up from my chair, I go to join her outside, complete with all of its noise.
Coming soon, chapter 2…..Maura's first holiday with the Rizzoli family…..