AUTHOR'S NOTE: I saw so many people actually cheering on Cheryl's behavior towards Toni in 3x16 and practically no one seemed to care about how that made Toni feel. I get that Cheryl has problems... like we all get that... but I feel like if this were Toni in Cheryl's place, this fandom wouldn't be as understanding and forgiving. In other words, the way they "wrapped up" Choni's angst/fight pissed me off (to the point where I'm not even that happy they're back together) and this is me attempting to "fix" that. Also, in this fic, that almost threesome didn't happen... but only because it just stereotyped Toni even more. Anyway, trigger warning for mentions of suicide. Lopaz if you squint.

A noise that sounds a lot like someone crying, wakes Cheryl up suddenly. She groans as she picks up her phone from her bedside table to check the time; her eyes adjusting to the brightness quickly as the numbers three and twenty-eight stare back at her piercingly, causing her to squint.

It is then when the redhead realizes that Toni is no longer in her arms. She pulls the covers back to make sure that her tiny girlfriend didn't get lost in the sheets of their king sized bed again... which has happened on more than one occasion... but the former Serpent is nowhere to be found. Cheryl's eyes survey the rest of her room where she notices that the door to the bathroom is slightly ajar and there's light shining through the cracks surrounding it. She jolts out of her bed... clad in only a red matching bra and panty set and one of Toni's flannels (her usual sleep attire)... and approaches the door cautiously.

"Toni?" Cheryl asks hesitantly as she knocks on the door. When all she hears is more muffled crying, the redhead slowly pushes the door open; only to find her girlfriend curled up in the bathtub. She's rocking back and forth and Cheryl's heart just... breaks.

She doesn't want to scare her so she slowly inches closer and closer. "T-Toni?" she breathes.

"Cheryl? What are you doing in here?" Toni asks hoarsely as she tries to rub the tears from her eyes. Like Cheryl, she was clad only in a matching bra and panty set... except hers were black laced and topped off with one of Cheryl's shirts.

"I heard you crying... did you have another nightmare, baby?" she asks softly as she makes her way over to Toni. Cheryl's held Toni through nightmares several times before but not once had Toni ever told her what they were about. Cheryl never asked... but it's not like she didn't want to know... it's just that she didn't want to prod; she figured Toni would tell her when she was ready.

"No... I didn't have a nightmare, Cher. I'm fine. Just go back to bed. I'm sorry that I woke you up."

"TT, it's 3:30 in the morning and you're crying in the bathroom... clearly, you're not fine," Cheryl says tiredly as she climbs into the tub with Toni. Once seated, she takes Toni's small hands in her own as she asks her: "What's wrong, mon petit amour?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she answers; avoiding Cheryl's eyes.

"Why not?" Toni flinches as Cheryl moves to cup her cheek, tugging her head away from her grasp.

"Toni," Cheryl speaks, voice firm, "look at me."

The girl obliges, albeit reluctantly, and looks directly into the concerned eyes of her girlfriend. Toni's own eyes are red and puffy. Cheryl bites her bottom lip, shaking her head as she really absorbs the sight before her. She has never seen Toni like this... so broken and so vulnerable.

"Why don't you want to talk about it?" Cheryl asks gently, repeating her previous question.

"Because I don't want to make you upset and I don't want you to break up with me and kick me out again," Toni says through a sniffle.

Cheryl is taken aback... "what are you talking about, Toni?"

"It's just... please don't hate me for saying this Cher, but I have to get this all off my chest or I'm going to lose it," Toni croaks out as she starts to hyperventilate.

"I could never hate you, Toni. Just breathe for me baby and tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours," Cheryl says tenderly as she slowly strokes Toni's bare arms in an effort to calm the shorter girl down.

Toni sighs. "Okay, let me just start off by saying that I love you Cher, but baby... you don't know how to listen."

"Wh-" Cheryl starts.

"Let me- let me finish. Please," Toni says shakily as she takes a deep breath. "I asked you to let me handle Jughead; you dismissed me by going behind my back with the Poisons to attack Sweet Pea and Fangs and undermined my authority. I asked you to stop using the Poisons for your own personal vendettas; again, you dismissed me by attacking the Farmies and the Ghoulies. I told you that your actions could get me kicked out of school and you dismissed me, once again, by telling me that you could handle Principal Weatherbee. I hadn't spoken up more because every time, you dismissed me. Even in our bathroom argument, I had to raise my voice to get you to stop talking over me. Babe, I wasn't trying to shut down your attempts at fixing things. The truth is, you were already coming in like 'Here! I fixed it!' with a trip, some baked goods, even sex. But that's not what I wanted... I just wanted us to have an actual conversation so that we could reach a satisfactory solution TOGETHER. That's why I thought it was about control."

"You're right, Toni. I wanted to fix everything with extravagance because that's all I know," Cheryl adds meekly.

"I just don't understand how you thought I was disappearing on you. I mean, I asked you if you wanted to go to Pop's with me and the Poisons... and you declined. I didn't think, being the leader of them and whatnot, that I was prioritizing them over you or anything when I got them and myself jobs as security at La Bonne Nuit," Toni continues.

"Can I ask you something, Toni?"

"What is it, Cheryl?" Toni asks monotonously, as she looks down to fiddle with a loose thread on the shirt she's wearing.

"You and Veronica..." Cheryl's voice trails off, afraid of what Toni's answer (and reaction) might be.

"What about me and Veronica?" Toni asks, sounding both annoyed and confused.

"When I went to La Bonne Nuit to bring you some baked goods, you two were all over each other."

"What are you talking about, Cheryl? We were bored at work and started singing karaoke with the Poisons. I was dating you and she was dating Reggie... who was there the entire time. Did you really think I was cheating on you with her or something? Were you jealous and that's why you came back later to have sex with me?" Toni spats, her entire posture signalling that she's in defense mode.

Cheryl doesn't say anything.

"That's what I thought. Do you think that just because I'm bisexual it means that I'm promiscuous and I'm going to cheat on you..."

"No, Toni. That's not what I meant-"

"...because those are stereotypes. I'll have you know that you're the first and only person I ever consensually had sex with and I would NEVER cheat on you, Cheryl. I can't believe you would think that low of me," Toni finishes, sadly.

Consensually? What did Toni mean by that? That is definitely something that they need to discuss more... but that's a conversation for another time.

"I know that and I'm sorry, Toni. I just felt like I was losing you. I guess I thought it was about excluding me because you didn't want my solutions," Cheryl says quietly, afraid of angering her girlfriend even more. Cheryl then puts a hand on Toni's shoulder, rubbing softly even as Toni tenses at the touch. She relaxes soon enough, although not as much as Cheryl would have liked.

Toni sighs. "And I thought you were getting tired of me... like you regretted asking me to move in... which is why I tried spending time out of the house. I've been kicked out of places I consider home several times and felt like it was going to happen again," she says in a softer tone and then pauses. "Cheryl, you almost got me expelled, you kicked me out of your house... when you knew I had nowhere else to go... while simultaneously breaking up with me, you insulted me, preyed on my insecurities, pushed me, told me to get out of your school and asked me if I was 'here to be for clemency'. That was the worst part; you really acted as if I did everything wrong and you did nothing... and you didn't even acknowledge your behavior, nevermind apologize for it. I know I probably deserve it but I'm used to being treated like shit by those close to me and them not being remorseful for it. I wanted things to be okay between us, so I just put up with it. I was the one to start the talk and apologize because I knew the only way that I was going to get back with you... and to have a safe place to live again... was to be the one to end the fight. I know you're stubborn and cruel when you're mad, even if it's at yourself. I couldn't really change that so I had to just clear the situation by taking the blame and letting things go. It just really hurts me that this whole thing was just me trying to do something to help myself, and it ended so horribly, that now I just feel like I'm now in a place in our relationship where I feel like I can't advocate for myself without you snapping at me and storming away."

Cheryl was at a loss for words. When she was doing Toni's makeup for the musical, she really did act like she didn't just go all "HBIC" on her hours earlier... and didn't apologize to Toni for it either. In fact, all they talked about before they made-up, was Cheryl... and what love was like in her family. That was the perfect opportunity for Cheryl to (finally) ask Toni about her family... but she didn't. She's been with Toni for almost a year now and she really doesn't know much about her whereas Toni pretty much knows everything there is to know about her. All Cheryl knows about Toni is that she likes photography, she's a true crime junkie, she's bisexual, she lived with her homophobic uncle (when he didn't lock her out) and that her grandfather is still around and is one of the founding members of the Serpents. But there is still so much that Cheryl doesn't know about her girlfriend. Why does their relationship feel so one-sided? No wonder Toni is so distraught and distressed...

"I had nowhere else to go when you kicked me out. I'm not a Serpent anymore so it's not like I could go back to Tent City and I don't have any friends who's places I could crash at... so I had to go back to my uncle's trailer. Let's just say that he wasn't too happy to see me and he did and said things to me that I'm not going to talk about right now. I'm not a freeloader or a gold digger, Cheryl... I don't take handouts; it just doesn't feel right. Living here for free just gave me so much anxiety but all of that anxiety melted away as soon as I started paying your Nana Rose for rent. I lost my job bartending at the Wyrm so I took that job (along with the Poisons) as security at La Bonne Nuit to earn my stay."

Cheryl used her house as leverage against a girl whose own homophobic uncle does the same (by locking her out whenever he feels like it)... of course Toni would feel some type of way about the room and the house and decided to pay rent. Cheryl didn't even stop to think of where Toni would go when she kicked her out of Thistlehouse. Even though she does love Toni, she didn't want to think about anyone's problems but her own... because she's selfish. Toni wouldn't have had to stay with her homophobic uncle (who did God knows what to her) if Cheryl hadn't had dumped her and left her homeless... with no other choice but to go back to living with him. Her behavior might've been on par with his, for all she knows.

"You told me that I could go and that I wasn't needed here... and when someone you love tells you something, you kind of automatically think it's true. No one wants me. I had the Serpents... now I don't. I have no one. Even the Pretty Poisons were just simply given to me by you... it's just not the same. I don't belong anywhere. I was kicked out of my uncle's trailer for being bisexual, I was kicked out of the Serpents for a dumb mistake, then you kicked me out of your house just for bringing up my concerns. I had just hit rock bottom. I missed you so much and I just felt lonely. I just kind of felt like a dead girl walking... like everybody was just going to isolate me now that you had banished me. I didn't want to feel that way anymore and I didn't know what else to do so I went to the bridge between the northside and the southside..." Toni's barely coherent at this point... "I contemplated jumping but then I thought of you. I thought of how you would blame yourself and I just couldn't leave you here alone after what happened with Jason. So I came here to make things right... but I don't feel any better. You really hurt me, Cher Bear," Toni says in the smallest voice as she finally allows herself to break down in front of her girlfriend. Tears stream down her face as she sobs openly.

Even when she was about to meet her doom, Toni's last thoughts had been about Cheryl. The redhead had pushed away the one good thing in her life and now she was having an emotional breakdown in her bathtub. Cheryl wants to cry too but right now, Toni is her priority... not her emotions.

"Come here, baby," Cheryl essentially coos.

After a brief moment of hesitation, Toni crawls over to straddle Cheryl's lap, then wraps her hands around Cheryl's neck as Cheryl's hands slide over her rear and curl around the back of her thighs. She lifts Toni's trembling body up easily, grunting against her as she pushes her bare feet into the tub to get them out of it. Toni finds herself airborne then; her head instinctively resting against Cheryl's chest as she cries into it, legs wrapped around her waist as she cradles Toni in her arms.

"I'm sorry for telling you all this, Cheryl. You've got enough going on in your life and I probably just made it worse. I'm so selfish," Toni cries into Cheryl's chest as Cheryl makes her way towards their bed.

"No babygirl; you do NOT apologize for calling me out for my wrong behavior and telling me how it affected you or how you feel," Cheryl says; her voice choked with emotion as she rubs circles into Toni's lower back.

The taller girl manages to make her way under the covers as she lays against the pillows with Toni on her chest; her arms still draped around Cheryl's neck and their legs now tangled together.

"I know saying I'm sorry isn't enough to fix this..." Cheryl starts once Toni's sobbing has reduced to steady tears and she's no longer trembling.

"It's a start..." Toni finishes, her voice muffled due to her face now being buried in Cheryl's neck.

"I'm SO sorry, TT," Cheryl whimpers out. "I can't believe I treated you that way after everything you've done for me. It kills me that I hurt you that way... the worst part is that I didn't even know. And contrary to what you think, you did NOT deserve ANY of that, my love. It was beyond wrong of me and I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you, Cher," Toni answers honestly, as twists her head to look up at her.

"I don't deserve you forgiveness, Toni. Please tell me how I can make this better," Cheryl says desperately.

"Can you please just promise me that you'll come talk to someone with me? Like a professional? You've experienced so much trauma over the years but you've never really dealt with any of it properly and it's not only affecting you; it's affecting me and our relationship now too. I love you so much Cher, but I'm not a therapist. As much as I wish I could, I can't make you feel better about or erase all of your hardships just by listening and comforting you about them. I've experienced my own fair share of hardships that I've never even told you about because you were dealing with your own stuff and I didn't want to burden you. But I can't keep bottling all this stuff inside me anymore... it's not healthy," Toni says through a yawn... as it was almost 5 am.

You've never known love Cheryl... except to rip it apart. Cheryl almost cost someone their life... and not just any someone... her precious little TT. So Toni was going to take her own life... as a result of the way Cheryl treated her... but she didn't follow through with it because she didn't want Cheryl to feel like she was to blame or for her to be left alone? She's been feeling like this for a while but she didn't say anything (until now) because she didn't want to hurt or burden Cheryl. Toni Topaz is FAR from being selfish... she's the most selfless person Cheryl's ever known.

"I'll do whatever it takes, TT," Cheryl answers whole-heartedly.

Toni smiles appreciatively.

"But while we're on the subject, can you promise me something too, baby?" Cheryl tries to ask before Toni passes out.

"Anything, Cher," Toni murmurs.

"Promise me, that you'll talk to me. If you feel like that ever again, you have to tell me. And I promise that I won't talk over you or dismiss you; I'll listen... WITHOUT getting upset and/or storming off. You're right... we need to be open with each other and properly deal with all of our issues. So no more using extravangance to 'fix' things, no more building walls, hiding our feelings and/or pretending like everything's okay. We have to communicate with each other, TT... and hopefully therapy will help with us with that. Yeah?" Cheryl says in the softest voice, reserved only for her favorite pinkette.

"I promise," Toni says with conviction.

"And TT?"

"Yeah, Cher?"

"Thank you for not leaving me," Cheryl's gratitude was almost overwhelming as she touched her forehead to Toni's. She was so grateful that her girlfriend was still alive.

"Like I told you in those voicemails I left you: 'you're not alone Cheryl, not ever again'," Toni says tiredly as her eyes start to droop and she buries her face back into the crook of Cheryl's neck. Cheryl just wraps her arms around her tiny body and rubs a hand up and down her back as she places a gentle kiss to the crown of Toni's head.

"I'll keep us together, TT... even though I know you deserve much better," Cheryl whispers into Toni's ear, as she runs her fingers through her long pink locks. All she gets in response is light snore and Cheryl smiles for the first time since she found Toni sobbing in the bathtub.

Cheryl starts to question why she ever treated her sweet little Toni that way; the same Toni who helped her to accept the fact that she was a lesbian, who rescued her from conversion therapy AND gave her the courage to stand up to her horrific mother in order to get emancipated. She wants to blame her behavior on the abuse she endured from her mother... and although that may be the reason why she lashed out at Toni; it's not an excuse... because being hurt isn't an excuse for hurting others. She would've never found herself or seen the light at the end of the tunnel if it weren't for Toni. Cheryl would be lost without her... and she almost lost Toni when she got kidnapped by the Ghoulies, when she almost got hit with Sweet Pea's arrow... while Cheryl was trying to have sex with her in her tent, when she had her seizure and when she verbally and physically bullied her during their break up... to the point where Toni felt like suicide was the only option. Toni has been nothing but supportive since BEFORE her and Cheryl even started dating and THAT is how Cheryl was going to thank her? The redhead's now realizing that she never apologized for the way she treated Toni when she (and the Serpents) transferred over to Riverdale High... so Toni probably didn't expect her to apologize this time either. Cheryl insulted her and yet Toni STILL stayed. Something has to change... she wants to be a better person for Toni and most importantly, she wants to be a better person for herself because she has to love herself if she can (truly) ever love Toni. She's actually looking forward to going with Toni to see a therapist. Toni's giving her a chance because she believes that Cheryl can change. Cheryl knows she's difficult but she's done losing those close to her. She's not losing Toni like she lost Jason. Toni's her soulmate and if they're going to make this work, they've got to hold onto each other above everything else.