Author note

Soooo… this crack fic from hell was born during a strange completely narutarded conversation between me and my amazing cousin about what we would do if we were in Naruto (yeah I know. Don't comment unless its to say "I do that all the time lol."). Even though I told myself not to start anymore fics unless they were oneshots, I couldn't resist this ultimate crack AU that is probably only funny to me and my cousin. In fact this is a co-created project made by us which may eventually have art up on DA.

Now I must say that this chap is going to be the least cracky of this fic, but still understand that this is a random crack AU fic spawned by madness that anything can and will happen in. And I mean anything…

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. If we did, soooo much would happen differently… (I will even unnecessarily state one thing we would do each chapter because I can…)

Anyway… Enjoy : )

Warning! This fic contains Tsunade/Shizune, Orochimaru/Kabuto, and Haku/Zabuza. Don't worry its just the wierd ass ideas, I am not a yaoi person at all, I do not write it. Oh yeah, also contains Orochimaru raising children further on. Naruto/Hinata, Sasuke/Sakura, Neji/Tenten, and other pairings will be involved.

"We're WHAT?" The outraged cry came from Lord Hokage's private office, the Hokage sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. Why didn't he just make one of his monkeys do this?

"You two have been demoted from the ANBU Black Ops." The old man repeated.

"But why?" The same woman from before asked heatedly. Her bright orange hair was like a fiery halo, her dark eyes ablaze with outrage.

"Well you see, Zyra, you two were demoted for scaring the other ANBU." The aging man braced himself for the coming explosion. Zyra had always been a little unstable… The now reinstated Jonin practically fell over in disbelief before quickly returning to her feat. Her maroon eyes now shining red, and the Hokage could almost see the woman's head smoking.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We scarred THEM and WE got demoted? They should get demoted for not having enough balls!" The old man sighed.

"Calm down Zyra, you're not helping the situation." The infuriated Jonin's companion finally spoke. She was standing calmly with her arms crossed over her chest, the light in the room giving her dark hair a blue sheen.

"But, RT-!"

"Yeah this is bull, but if you keep freaking out like this we'll be demoted to Chunin!" The controlled woman snapped. Zyra deflated.

"Yeah, I guess you're right…"

"You two also failed the sanity test by one point." The Hokage added to finish the report, immediately regretting it.

"WHAT?" The two in front of them chorused. Yep, this was going to be a long, long day.

XXX

A sandaled foot kicked idly at the ground as the two Jonin walked aimlessly around Konoha.

"This sucks! Not only do we get demoted but we have to take a leave from missions due to 'a need for therapy'. Ugh this is such bull." Zyra complained, continuing to kick the stray pebbles that littered the street.

"I know. What are we supposed to do with our time anyway?" RT grumbled.

"No clue." Her orange haired partner huffed. "This blows." RT let out a sigh. The dark haired Shinobi glanced up, hoping to find something to entertain them when she caught sight of it. It seemed that their aimless walk had led them to a building that she was pretty sure hadn't been there last time she had walked in this part of the village. Her light grey eyes scanned the sign.

"Tsunade and Shizune's Orphanage." She read aloud. "Wait, since when do they run an orphanage?" When did they even get back?" She questioned. They were so out of the loop…

"Yeah weird." Zyra commented while taking on a contemplative look. Suddenly a grin spread across her face and her eyes were lit with a genius that greatly resembled insanity.

"Oh, god, you've got that look. Should I be concerned?" Her partner asked warily. Last time her friend had had that look on her face things went to hell.

"I've got it!" The orange haired woman yelled triumphantly, striking a pose.

"Got what?" RT asked begrudgingly.

"We should adopt children in need!" Zyra responded in a heroic voice.

"Seriously?" Her friend asked in that tone you use when someone has said or done something reeeaaallly stupid.

"Yes! Think about it, we can't do any missions because of our 'mental states' we can't train Chunin due to the same problem, and we have nothing to do! It's the only way we can do something useful. Giving love to a poor child who has only known pain and suffering! Crumbling to pieces due to lack of parents and an intense feeling of loneliness that matches the power of a thousand suns! To think of all the good we could do for these poor, innocent-!"

"Okay, I get it!" RT yelled, effectively silencing her preaching partner. She thought for a moment before continuing. "You know, that's actually not a bad idea." She said with a smirk. "Yes! Let us adopt children in need!" The two fist pumped before dramatically running into the orphanage.

XXX

Tsunade was enjoying a peaceful morning at the reception desk of her and Shizune's orphanage. The blonde was happily sipping at a warm cup of tea as she went over her current paper work when she heard the bell on the door ring as someone entered.

"Good morning, and welcome to the orphan-" She stopped dead mid word. The two woman standing in the entrance of her orphanage were well known. She had heard rumors of their feats as ANBU Black Ops and of their recent demotion, but most importantly, she knew them for their tendency to take everything to an extreme that bordered on insanity,

"Oh god, what are you two doing here?" The blonde asked, slightly fearful of the answer. The two Jonin smirked at each other before replying in unison.

"We are here to adopt children in need!"

"Oh dear god O-o." Tsunade sent a silent prayer that this wouldn't turn into a disaster.

"So, where do we meet the kiddies?" Zyra asked with a smirk.

"Uh, Shizune will take you to where the children are." She said with an almost terrified expression as she tried to imagine the two Jonin raising children. God help them all… Unfortunately she had set a 'No child shall be denied a potential family.' rule. "SHIZUNE!" She yelled, summoning her life partner. The brunette appeared shortly after, panting heavily and covered in what looked like finger paint.

"Yes, Tsunade?"

"Take these two to outside to the children."

"Of course. Right this way please." Shizune smiled and gestured the two women to follow her. The two Jonin quickly fell into line behind the brunette, excited to see which child would become their own.

XXX

Children played and laughed in the playground of the orphanage while others seemed distant and quiet. RT smiled affectionately, she loved kids and was actually really excited to have one of her own. She quickly scanned the masses for any one that she felt a connection with. Zyra on the other hand seemed more interested in playing a game of ball with a group of children. RT shook her head. Typical Zyra. Suddenly something caught her eye. A young girl was sitting idly on a tree swing, completely oblivious to the loud children (and Zyra) playing ball close by. The Jonin made the decision to approach and start a conversation, maybe this girl would be the one she was looking for. She walked up and sat on the swing next to the girl's.

"Hi there." RT said kindly. The dark haired girl practically jumped out of her skin.

"Oh uh hi." She responded timidly, seemingly trying to hide behind the rope that held the swing up. It was then that RT realized something… The kid was freaking adorable!

"What's you're name?" The shinobi coaxed.

"H-hinata." The girl said shakily. All RT could think was 'awwwwww'.

"I'm RT. It's nice to meet you, Hinata-chan." She smiled.

"Nice to meet you too." Hinata responded shyly, tapping her two index fingers together. This kid is tooooo cute! The ex-ANBU thought fervently.

"Need a push?" She asked.

"Huh?" The girl gave a questioning look. It was then that RT saw her eyes, Hyuga eyes. Yep, her suspicion was now assured. The Hyuga clan was full of assholes.

"A push on the swing? You do like to swing right?" Hinata looked up in surprise with her pale lavender eyes.

"Yes." She replied quietly. RT smiled with affection as she stood up and began to push the little girl gently on the swing. This was the beginning of beautiful mother-daughter bonding.

Meanwhile with the spaz ninja known as Zyra…

I feel like a kid again! Zyra thought happily as she ran aimlessly back and fourth with the children playing ball. Wow, slow down there, Zyra. You're supposed to be looking to adopt a kid, not become one. No more fooling around! You must be a mature motherly figure! She stopped chasing after the ball with the kids and stood off to the side, observing the kids as she had seen RT do. When a surprisingly familiar face appeared near the children playing ball.

"Hey guys, can I join?" A young blonde boy with whiskers asked the group of children. Zyra had seen Naruto Uzumaki many a time before, everyone had. He had always been shunned and this time would be no different, but know she had the perfect opportunity to help Naruto out. Besides, he reminded her of herself. Spazy and determined.

"No way, you're a loser." A dark haired boy said before turning to the rest of the children. "Come on, lets go." The rest of the kids followed him without question. Naruto's face fell. This happened every time. Why couldn't someone accept him?

"Wow, kids these days." The shinobi muttered disapprovingly. Poor little guy… "Hey there, kiddo." Zyra smiled as she walked up to the now sullen Naruto. The young boy looked up to see the ninja crouched next to him.

"Hey, you're a Jonin!" The boy proclaimed excitedly, immediately recognizing the uniform. Zyra smiled at the boy's enthusiasm.

"Yep, one of the best." She replied, pointing to herself with her thumb.

"Way cool!" He said in awe before his expression turned determined. "You know, I'm gonna be Hokage one day! Then everyone would start respecting me." He said the last part wistfully, staring off at the other kids.

"I respect you." The woman told him. His eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"You better believe it!" She placed a hand on his small shoulder. "Naruto, you are one of the bravest and most determined people I've ever seen. I have no doubt that you could become Hokage one day, though it might help to have 24/7 teacher." She grinned. His eyes shone.

"You'd be my sensei?" He asked excitedly.

"I could show you a few tricks of the trade and give you a place to call your own." She suggested.

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"This is awesome!" He yelled, flinging himself at the Jonin and practically strangling her with a hug. Before the ninja could suffocate she was released and watched happily as Naruto proceeded to dance around in excitement. Sure the kid would be a handful, but what couldn't she handle?

Back to RT!

"So, Hinata-chan-" RT began as she paused in her activity of swing pushing.

"Yes?" The shy girl asked, looking back and up to see the woman's face.

"You have friends right?" She asked. She had an idea of how to get little Hinata out of her shell. A sibling…

"Uh huh." Hinata nodded shyly. The ex-ANBU scanned the crowd of children before pausing on Zyra with… wait that was Naruto. Figures. She thought. Zyra always did have a soft spot for the blonde. It looked like the two were getting along great.

"Are you friends with Naruto?" RT asked the girl. The child gasped and ducked her head as a bright blush covered her cheeks and her fingers resumed poking each other.

"Um, well I have a friend named Choji. We should go see him."

"Okay." RT laughed slightly as she took the girls hand gently in her own and had her lead her to this Choji. So Hinata has a crush on Naruto. Awwwww. I'll have to tell Zyra about that.

After much encouragement, Hinata led her to the other end of the playground, passing a few playing children on the way. The girl finally paused when they reached two kids laying on the ground just staring up at the clouds.

"Uh h-hi, Choji." The Hyuga girl said to whichever of the two boys Choji was.

"Oh hi, Hinata." A voice greeted, it sounded like someone with their mouthful. One of the boys pushed themselves into a sitting position. His hair was bushy and brown and he was munching happily on a bag of potato chips. "What's up?" He asked, continuing to eat his chips.

"This is um, RT." The young girl resumed her nervous hand movements. "S-she's going to adopt someone and wa-wanted to know if I knew someone who would also like a home and I said that, that you would be a great son." She explained shyly with her head down.

"It's nice to meet you, Choji." RT grinned, holding out her hand. "Well what do ya say?" The Jonin questioned kindly. Choji just stared at her hand with wide eyes. His parents had been killed in the Nine-Tailed Fox attack and he had been at the orphanage ever since. Sure he had made friends with Hinata and some other kids, and Shikamaru came to visit him practically every day, but he never thought he would have a true family again. Though despite those pessimistic thoughts, here was someone offering him a home and family. The chubby boy couldn't help but tear up and fling himself into RT for a hug.

"Yay! We're gonna be one big happy family!" The boy practically sobbed in joy. The Jonin smiled in genuine happiness as she gently forced the timid Hinata into their first family hug. Zyra had been right. Adopting children in need really had been the right thing to do.

"So what do you two say," The Jonin began as she released the two kids. "To grabbing a snack while your new mother fills out some paper work?" Hinata looked surprised at the term 'mother'. Hinata only thought that RT wanted someone to point out good children. Why would a strong jounin like RT want to adopt such a week, scared little girl like herself? But, looking in the woman's kind eyes, she saw something she hadn't seen since her mother had passed away. Love. Maybe she was wrong, maybe RT would treat her equally and care about her unlike her family had. Maybe… they could be a happy family. Choji on the other hand…

"A snack? All right! This is the best family ever!" He cheered gleefully, grabbing Hinata's hand, much to her surprise and embarrassment, and taking off for the main building, no doubt to raid the kitchens chip stock. RT just shook her head and watched them go with an endearing look on her face. She already had a soft spot for the two kids she was about to make her own, and she vowed to be the best mother she could.

Now back to Zyra! (Lol its like the Old Spice commercial :P)

Zyra was still calm down the over excited Naruto when someone caught her eye. A young boy was sitting in the sandbox all alone, with the saddest look Zyra had ever seen.

Her heart pulled at the sight. She had to go over and talk to him…

"Hey, Naruto." She said, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder to still him. "Why don't you go back up your stuff and meet me in the waiting room. I'm going to see if I can get you a brother."

"A brother? Sweet deal!" The blonde exclaimed exuberantly. "Not only do I get a parent-slash-teacher, I get a sparring partner too! This is awesome!' Zyra sighed.

"Naruto, Brother doesn't have to mean automatic sparring partner." Tried to explain. The kid ignored her.

"I better go get my stuff! Oh, this is gonna be the best! Believe it!" He yelled before stampeding into the building. The Jonin sighed.

"What did I get myself into." She muttered to herself before she turned her attention back to the strikingly redheaded boy in the sand box. The kid didn't even seem to notice her as she stepped into the sand box and seated herself beside him.

"Hey there." She said with a smile, giving a slight wave. The boy jumped in surprise before turning to look at her with wide jade eyes.

"Uh, hello." He responded. He looked almost frightened.

"I'm Zyra, what's your name?" She asked kindly.

"Gaara." He replied, squeezing the teddy bear in his arms tightly. The shinobi immediately sensed that something was wrong, he seemed almost afraid of her. As if at any second she would turn on him and attack him, or shun him and leave him alone. Neither seemed very good…

"Are you okay?" She asked gently, looking sadly at the fearful boy.

"You… care?" He looked up at her face with wide eyes. No one had ever really cared about him. He thought that Yashamaru had cared, but he had given him away the second the orphanage in the Hidden Leaf Village had opened. No one had ever liked him in the Sand Village, they were all afraid of him, and the few children that had approached him at the orphanage had been no different. They feared his power over the sand and thought that he was a freak, just like everyone else. Why would this woman care about him anyway? Especially since no one else did. The Jonin was shocked.

"Of course I care! You're a kid in need. Why wouldn't I care? Everyone deserves some love." His eyes only seemed to get bigger.

"Love?" He asked innocently. Zrya's heart felt like it was breaking.

"Yeah, love. The feeling you get when you know someone cares about you, or when you have a family. A warm and fuzzy feeling right here." She said, softly poking a finger over his heart. His eyes shone as he looked up at her smiling face, her kind eyes sparkling back at him with an affectionate look.

"A family…" His voice took on a wistful tone.

"Yep, I came here to make one. Would you like to be a part of it, little one?" She asked, holding out her hand invitingly. Gaara looked from her outstretched hand to her face, barely able to believe that someone… cared about him, that someone wanted him to be part of a family. He held back tears as he stretched out his little arm and took hold of her larger hand, still clutching the teddy bear with his other hand. "Now lets go fill out some paperwork." She said happily as she began to walk back into the orphanage with the young boy. "And lets not forget, I have to introduce you to your brother Naruto." She grinned enthusiastically. For the first time in a long time, Gaara smiled. He had a family now, people that would care for him and love him like no one else ever had. Maybe, just maybe, the world wasn't such a sad and lonely place after all…

To the paper work!

In a strange phenomena of coincidence, Zyra and RT ended up in the orphanage's main lobby at the same time, casting each other weird looks when the entered the room simultaneously.

"Hey, RT! So who are the kiddies?" The orange haired woman asked, smiling at the two children with her friend. Hinata gripped RT's pant leg tighter, almost hidding behind her while Choji just waved.

"Oh, Zyra, This is Choji." She said, pointing to the boy. "And this is Hinata." She placed her other hand atop the girls head. "And who's that?" She asked, gesturing to Gaara. The scarlet headed boy tightend his small fingers around Zyra's hand and looked down.

"This is Gaara." The orange haired ninja said affectionately. "Its okay, this is RT, a friend of mine. She's nice, don't worry." She whispered to the boy encouragingly. Before little Gaara could react however, a certain blonde barreled into the room wearing an obviously overstuffed backpack.

"I got all my stuff! Hope I didn't take to long!" Naruto looked around. Zyra was with a little redhead who was looking at him with nervous curiosity. So that was his new brother… awesome! He looked across from the woman who was about to adopt him and saw another Jonin with a grinning Choji and a blushing Hinata. He grinned broadly at them and gave a thumbs up. Sweet, they would all be adopted today!

"So are you all ready to go?" Shizune asked, seeming to materialize out of thin air. Zyra sent a glare at the brunette as Gaara practically jumped out of his skin, RT sharing a similar look before her face lightened.

"Yeah, I think we're ready. Lets sign that paperwork!"

"Alright, just come with me and I'll take you to Tsunade to fill out all the paperwork. The kids will wait here with me while I have an assistant collect their things.

"Okay, lets do this. Naruto, you take care of Gaara, alright?"

"Sure thing." He said happily before walking up to Gaara and taking his free hand, leading the boy to one of the waiting benches and chattering at a constant rate. Though he was being unexpectedly kind and gentle with his new little brother. Zyra smiled affectionately as she watched the two boys interact as if they had always been family.

"You too, guys. Be polite, these boys will practically be family you'll be seeing them so much!" RT encouraged, gently pushing them towards the two other children. Hinata's blush only got darker, causing an internal 'aaaawwww' from the three women before they disappeared into the room next door. The two crazy ninjas were about to have their own crazy families, and the four children were about to experience the craziest, but most loving family life they could ever imagine.

I find it sad that the longest chapter for a fanfic I have ever written is for a crack AU…

Anywho here's the first chapter everyone! Stay tuned for more randomness to come!

See ya next time :D!