The Marauders in Hell

Summary: Post-Deathly Hallows. With all four Marauders dead, they're kicking back and having a snack with (guess who) Satan! One shot, not the Satan you'd expect.

Rating: T

"So then what happened?" Satan asked through the raucous laughter of the two men around him.

"Well, it was really funny," said James Potter, "because I missed her chest, see…so instead of making her grow a third boob like I'd intended…she grew a dick!"

All three threw their heads back and laughed wildly.

James Potter, Sirius Black, and none other than Satan himself sat around the end of a long, stone table, the remains of a hefty meal on the plates in front of them. Satan's pointy, red tail quivered in silent hilarity next to its owner as he said, "Oho, that must have looked weird!"

"Oh man, you have no idea!" Sirius chortled loudly. "All of a sudden we saw this lump growing underneath her robes! And then she started screaming and screaming…Damn, it was like losing a Knut and finding a Galleon, you should have seen the look on her face when she realized what was growing between her legs!"

As the three men laughed again, a Demon came through the door. "My Lord!" he hissed, "We have a new arrival! He claims he knows these two men here…"

"Does he? Well, send him in, then!" Satan ordered. The demon left to fetch this newcomer.

"A new arrival?" Said James to Sirius. "You don't suppose it's Moony, do you?"

"Could be." Sirius said. "Out fighting Voldemort and everything, I wouldn't be altogether surprised…"

The Demon returned, accompanied by (yup) Remus Lupin. Sirius and James gave jovial shouts of greeting, and rushed up to embrace their old friend. "Great to see you again, Moony, glad you could join us!" James roared joyfully. "So, how's life—er—death treating you?"

"Well, it's been odd." Remus said truthfully. "Nymph and I both got killed at the same time, but I haven't seen her yet...It was all black for a few seconds, and my body felt funny. I saw this little red thing below me, getting bigger, and then I realized I was falling…And then I showed up here, in Hell of all places! So what have you been doing all this time?"

"Nothing you'd expect us to be doing in Hell." James said.

"Yeah, we've been hangin' out with the Man himself!" Sirius added. "Not burning in our despair like a lot of the other people around here do."

Remus looked apprehensively over at the red-skinned, horned man still sitting at the table. Satan smiled his devilish smirk. "Come on, sit down, mate." He said, "Have a drink, you know. Any friend of James and Sirius here is a friend of mine!"

Remus sat down, taking a goblet of the wine Satan had offered. "Hey, speaking of which…Where's Wormtail?"

"Oh, you mean that Pettigrew guy?" Satan replied. "Well, he's an exception, 'cause he was a jerk. I offered him a hot tub a couple hours ago, and I think I made it a little too hot." He put a hand to his mouth in mock concern as the loud, tortured scream of a little man being boiled in a steaming cauldron drifted in from down the hall:

"AAAAAAAAAH!!! TOOOOOO FUUUUUUCKING HOOOOOOOOT!!!"

"Oops!" Satan said to more laughter and cheers from the three of them, failing to conceal an evil grin as he gave way to laughter himself.

"So we were just telling Satan about that time in our fourth year when we used that hex on Lisa Jenkins to make her grow an extra boob." Sirius said to Remus.

Remus laughed. "But the hex missed, didn't it?"

"Yeah, and that's what made it so damn funny!" James replied. "Remember what happened when I missed?"

"If I remember correctly, she grew a very long penis instead."

They all roared gleefully again, Remus joining in this time, and James raised his tenth goblet of wine. "To life, death, and all sorts of mischief!"

"Cheers!" they all said in unison, clanking their goblets together, Sirius missing the first time due to his tipsiness.

They all sat in silence for a minute or two, emptying their goblets and refilling them again, and suddenly Remus said, "Oh, did they tell you about that other time when we walked in on Slughorn, McGonagall, and Flitwick in the middle of the night?"

"NO WAY!" Satan burst out, sitting forward abruptly, "You're shittin' me!"

"He's not kidding, Sate." James said, his eyes lighting up at the memory, "It was something we really didn't need to see, it must've been the ménage a trios of the century…but the looks on their faces when they saw us…priceless!"

"Oh, this I must hear!" Satan boomed, pouring them all some more wine.

Sirius stole the honor of beginning the story. "Well, it goes like this…"

END

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed, I had fun writing it for sure…Cheers, TheDreamPolice.