I'm not calling you a liar
Just don't lie to me
I'm not calling you a thief
Just don't steal from me
I'm not calling you a ghost
Just stop haunting me
And I love you so much
I'm gonna let you kill me
The downfall of Severus Snape was caused by a word, usually such an insignificant little thing. During his adult life, he would often bitterly reflect on that adage Muggles were so often fond of repeating: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." How incredibly misleading that statement was! For years, he'd come up with suitable alternative endings, one after the other.
"But words will shred my soul" was the option he came back to most often.
If Severus could have gone back in time, and he did dream about it even though it wasn't feasible, he knew he would have chosen Lily Evans instead. He wouldn't have let the damn Marauders get the better of him, embarrassing him in front of the girl he'd loved for years. When Lily had stepped in and forced Potter to stop harassing him, Severus saw his inability to stand up for himself as just another of his many weaknesses. Weakness that made him feel to be worth so much less than her.
The task of becoming important and irreplaceable in her eyes was impossible.
It had also been the only thing he'd ever truly wanted. And he'd wanted it so badly, he'd been
prepared to do anything, be anyone, for it. It was what he couldn't keep from doing that had ruined his dreams.
Lily had never understood why Severus had freely used the term "mudblood" to address everyone it applied to, with the exception of her. She had failed to see that her best friend had raised her on a pedestal and completely adored her.
Later, Severus used the phrase "love is blind" to describe how oblivious Lily was, how she was unable to see that they really were supposed to have been together when she was with James Potter.
An amount of fervor equal to the energy used to convince him of that belief was used by him to deny to himself that he, in turn, had been guilty of the same thing.
It was this truth he was unable to suppress that haunted his dreams and waking hours, forcing Severus to condemn it as his worst memory.
There's a ghost in my lungs
And it sighs in my sleep
Wraps itself around my tongue
As it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
For sixteen years, the true face of Severus Snape was hidden from the world. Only three people knew of his new purpose: Severus himself, the open yet closed-off and secretive Dumbledore, and the Lily Evans who frequented his dreams.
The dreams of her weren't anything like the ones he'd had in his youth. Instead, they consisted of the two adults sitting in their childhood haven and simply talking. The dream Lily was much more understanding than Severus had expected; when he'd first seen her appear, and she didn't rip him apart, he'd almost been shocked awake. All she had done was patiently wait while he had stuttered through the apology he had been constructing and adding heavily to for years – since he was fifteen.
She seemed to understand in death what she hadn't in life. She accepted in the apology of her best friend, and after that, they got on as if no time had passed. Though Lily didn't condone Severus's attitude towards her son (and by extension, James), she was grateful he'd agreed to do all in his power to protect Harry.
And even though Lily had forgiven him, Severus retained his same, long-lasting emotions – namely guilt. He assumed it was for this reason that, when he awoke from his dreams of Lily, he usually found himself in the graveyard of Godric's Hollow.
To fall, to fall, to fall at your feet
Oh, but for the grace of God go on
And when you kiss me I'm happy enough to die
Each time he opened his fathomless black eyes and saw himself surrounded by headstones, Severus knew he did not even need to search for Lily's grave. All it took was a glance down.
Customarily, he ignored the left side of the headstone and read only hers. Then he knelt at its foot, respectfully bowing his head. Severus, however, felt no need to speak; Lily already knew he was performing his penance of guarding Harry. He couldn't stand the child the vast majority of the time – he was his father over again. But, as Dumbledore reminded him every so often, he was most like his mother. It was something he was fascinated by, but it pained him to notice.
What kept him going was the knowledge that he was doing this for Lily, to avenge her death, heal himself, and bring down Voldemort.
After an hour or so at Lily's grave, Severus returned to Hogwarts to prepare for his classes, feeling an unexplained emotion swelling within him the closer the time for Potter's class crept. Being watched by the boy's – Lily's – green eyes could just be too much.
And if it was a very bad day, Severus would see the eyes and find himself recollecting the only time he'd seen those eyes very close up – the day he and Lily had kissed. His best memory.
I'm not calling you a liar
Just don't lie to me
And I love you so much
I'm gonna let you
I'm not calling you a thief
Just don't
And I love you so much
I'm gonna let you
Oh, I'm not calling you a ghost
Just stop
He was a liar, a thief, and a spy. A damn good one, too, as he'd successfully led the Dark Lord on for years. For all that, Severus should have been more confident in his abilities – he was able to hoodwink one of the most powerful wizards of all time into believing he was still one of his most loyal followers.
However, every night, he managed to find himself in a situation where Lily made him feel insecure, like he was a teenager again, as only she could. He was overjoyed that she accepted him again and perhaps was even beginning to love him – he suspected this only and hoped it wasn't wishful thinking; he had not used Legilimency on her, not wanting to invade her mind – but try as he might, that didn't help him overcome his guilt at being instrumental in her death.
The dream Lily had been perfectly happy to reconcile with him, but now it bothered him. He couldn't stand how quickly she had taken to joking with him now, even stooping to the level of making cracks about death.
As with most things, Severus did not find this amusing.
One night, after a few months, he snapped. Not at her; he still did his best to avoid that, but what he had to say could only be expressed bluntly.
"I wish you were still alive- "
Lily smiled wistfully; they often discussed what they would do if she had been.
"- so you could kill me."
Shocked by the words, her face quickly grew blank, then horrified. "Why would I want to do that?"
"Lily, did you not understand when I told you about my role in your death? It was my fault. And even though you forgave me... I wonder if you should have."
Her temper took over in a matter of seconds and she stormed away, leaving Severus dreamless for several weeks.
There's a ghost in my mouth
And it talks in my sleep
Wraps itself around my tongue
As it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks,
Then it walks with my legs
If Lily was going to refuse to come to him, then Severus was going to go to her. The Mirror of Erised had recently been placed in the castle, and he was one of the few who knew of its location.
He knew of the mirror's reputation for driving men mad, as well, but he wasn't fazed. He was turncoat to the Death Eaters, for Merlin's sake. If that didn't signify that he'd gone 'round the bend, he wasn't sure what would.
What Severus saw in the mirror would at the very least surprise, if not shock, his acquaintances. He was so widely seen as heartless, emotionless, soulless – how would people treat him if they knew the truth? Certainly, it would ruin his reputation... but he only maintained that front to keep students at bay. They had annoyed him when he himself had been a student; they were even worse now.
He would rather not contemplate the hell that would break loose when Hogwarts discovered their enigmatic Potions Master spent his nights in front of a mirror that showed not his reflection, but the image of Lily Potter. Not them together, or the life they could have had. Only her, alive and healthy.
To fall, to fall, to fall,
to fall, to fall, to fall,
to fall, to fall, to fall,
to fall, to fall, to fall
At your feet
Oh, but for the grace of God go on
And when you kiss me, I'm happy enough
Severus knew it wasn't physically possible for someone to sink through the air as if it were water, and yet he seemed to be defying that particular law.
He had really thought, for a moment, that he would make it through the war unscathed. A foolish thought in retrospect, but somehow, he hadn't been able to put a stop to it.
And... now that he knew he was dying... he felt, cliché as it was, at peace. But also a little panicked – he had somewhat I change of heart and he wanted someone to know –
Harry. With his fading vision, he could see Potter approaching him. Summoning up his remaining strength, Severus dragged up every single significant memory of him and Lily, and forced them out.
"Take it... take it..."
Once he was satisfied the boy had taken his memories, he grabbed Harry by his collar and stared deep into his green eyes.
"You have your mother's eyes."
And Severus drank in what he thought would be his last look...
He woke up in their spot, with Lily hovering over him. She sighed with relief when he opened his eyes.
"Is it over?" he asked.
She slowly nodded. "And we have you to thank for it. You made it possible."
Severus's hear sped up. "He did it? The Dark Lord is truly gone?"
"I would never lie about that! I just thought, in case you were worried, I should tell you... you didn't die in vain."
"So I am dead." Severus glanced around him; the place was just as it had always been. "I'm just surprised I'm... here."
Lily gave him a quizzical glance. "What do you mean, 'here'?"
"Well... this seems to be a good afterlife, especially if you're here. I didn't think I'd end up with you." He sounded uncomfortable.
"Why wouldn't you be? Look what you've done! You've made up for the bad things in your life – more than," Lily said quickly, cutting off Severus's protests. "Let me finish! You're the bravest man I've ever known, probably one of the bravest in Hogwarts." She fixed him with a serious stare. "I wouldn't be surprised if there are children named after you one day."
He laughed, but Lily knew better. Her best friend was someone who was worth remembering.