The Root of Our Being

Our heart glows, and secret unrest gnaws at the root of our being. Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us. ~Carl Jung

"She doesn't need to know."

Clare bit the inside of her cheek, pacing worriedly in front of the bathroom mirrors. She took a quick glance at herself before turning her head in shame, pressing her palms against the porcelain sink. "What don't I need to know…?"

It was all so confusing. She had finally gotten that kiss. The kiss she had always wanted from the boy she was beginning to fall madly for. And then this.

"You should tell her."

"She doesn't need to know."

Clare hissed in anger, opening her baby blue eyes to herself. Her head turned, and the mirror copied her movements. She pressed her hand against the mirror and pounded at it, demanding an answer from herself. There was something she was missing.

"I know the answer to this." She was sure of it.

Clare's eyes closed tightly again, raking her brain for an answer. Nothing.

She was late to class and she knew it well, but she couldn't handle English class. Not today. And not with Eli.

Every time she looked at him she felt anger stir in her stomach.

Why couldn't he talk to her?

I'll meet you outside in 5 minutes. If you're not there this, whatever it is, is over.

Clare put her phone in her back pocket after sending the message, confident of herself. She felt strong emotions for Eli, but if he wasn't telling her everything, then she didn't want to be with him.

Clare's heels clicked as she walked down the hallway, her hands gripping tightly at her bag. It scared her, having to talk to Eli like this. But she had to know the truth.

Clare opened the door leading her outside and saw Eli leaning against his car's door, waiting impatiently for her.

"Well?" He had one of those annoyed eyebrow raised looks on his face. It stung Clare.

"Get in the car. We need to talk."

Eli's look changed from annoyed to surprised. He liked it when Clare took charge. His hands rose in defeat and got in the car.

Clare followed, getting into the passenger seat.

"You know, when a girl says to a boy 'We need to talk' it means she's breaking up with him," Eli stated nonchalantly, looking for chips in his black nails.

Clare rolled her eyes at him and pulled at his hand, demanding his attention. Eli obliged. He took one look at those pretty blue orbs and sighed. "You want me to tell you." It was a statement, not a question. Eli knew what she wanted.

His eyes redirected to the windshield, staring at a small speck. "It was around two years ago. I was with Luna." He gave Clare a quick glance before turning back to the windshield. "She was my girlfriend at the time."

Oh no… Did he get her pregnant?

Clare wanted to run away at the moment.

Oh, happy Morty, swallow me into your interior...

"I was drunk. Not the 'I see kind of fuzzy but I can still talk normally' drunk, but the full on 'drunk off my ass I won't be able to remember anything tomorrow' drunk. We stole my mom's car and just drove away. Back when we believed that we were immortal. That we ruled the world."

Clare squeezed his hand softly. Eli looked back at her with a small smile.

"We drove to the forest. Had sex. Got drunk. Way too drunk."

"You had-"

Eli smirked slightly. "We're not all saints, dear Clare." He looked back at her, his eyes sad. "I killed her, Clare. I drove that damn car while drunk and I killed her."

Tell me about before. Before Degrassi.

Let's not talk about that.

I wasn't always like this-

Any ex girlfriends I should know about?

You don't want to know.

My past is my past-

Clare eyes widened, tears rolling down her cheeks without anything to control them. "Eli…"

"I never meant to. I loved her, Clare. And I killed her."

"You didn't mean to…" Clare's hand pulled away from his, only to return to his cheek, cupping gently. "It was stupid and reckless but you didn't intend to kill her."

Eli's eyes bore into hers. "And I promise not to commit that mistake with you, Clare." He pulled her closer and pressed his lips to hers gently, lovingly. "I love you, Clare."

Clare smiled, and that melted Eli's heart.

"I love you too, Eli."