Hi everyone! This is my first attempt at a FanFiction story and I'm pretty excited about it. Online public writing is new to me so please, don't be too mean! Also, this story is not beta-ed. I'm sure I don't have typos anywhere in here though. Sorry in advance for any you may encounter. I currently don't have Microsoft Word on my computer either. Dell had to wipe my hard-drive and I don't have my Office disc right now. It slows down the process of everything and Notepad has no auto correct.

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all of Twilight and the characters in the series belong to her. I do however own an Edward Cullen book-bag zipper clip. I haven't owned a book-bag in about 6 years... The clip was on sale and is very pretty. I couldn't NOT buy it.

Prologue: Purge and Deny

August, 2008

He left.

Without calling to say goodbye or even to say good luck next week. I thought that the relationship we had built the last two years would be able to keep us at least in the friend zone. I told him that if anything, I wanted us to at least remain friends. I valued his friendship. When I needed to talk about how my mom canceled her visit to Forks at the last minute, or how I didn't understand why most of the girls hated me in school, he was there to listen to my sobs into the phone. I think loved him and I think he knew that. Either that or I was just really clingy.

I would worry about him.

When he confided in me that he wanted to join the Army, that it had been an idea in his head for a while, who was I to tell him that it was a bad idea? We had established a 'friends only' policy before he told me and I didn't have the position as a girlfriend to argue that I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay with me because I didn't want him to risk his life. I never told him that though. Instead, I encouraged him to follow his instinct, to go with what felt natural. He said he felt like he needed to do something important, something for his country. I knowingly sent him away and that killed me.

I still can't believe that I fooled around with him.

We didn't have sex. He didn't have a condom and I was to afraid to get pregnant before I headed off to college. The way his hands and lips moved over my body, telling me how beautiful I was, moaning my name and asking no one in particular how I could make him feel so good, whispering in my ear that we didn't have to rush anything. It was all amazing and at the time I was glad that Charlie had to work a double and would be at the station overnight. Now, however, I feel like that night and all the other nights leading up to it just teased me, broke me, splintered the cracks that skirted across me that I though he had sealed. In hindsight, at least I was still a virgin. I didn't give myself to someone who wouldn't cherish me.

I was going to forget him.

I was going to go to school and live. I would make friends, meet guys that wanted to get to know me, and take me out, and not be afraid of feeling something for me. The memory of him would fade and be replaced by parties with friends and study sessions that turned into all night distractions and inside jokes. That would be my goal for the next four years. Ink him out and create something better.

He's going to come home eventually though... hopefully.

What would I do then? The next time I see him I'll smile and act- no, BE happy. I will be happy that he's home, safe and alive. I'll tell him that we should get together for drinks and talk about life. What our presents were and what we hoped our futures would become. We won't talk about the past though. We won't talk about how before college I was an emotional girl and he was a guy that didn't want to be too committed to anything. We will not discuss how he broke me because sometime before our inevitable meeting I'm going to realize what love is. I'm going to know and experience what love is, and I'm going to realize that my feelings for him were juvenile and silly. At the end of our meeting I'm going touch his arm and kiss cheek. I'm going to tell him to give me a call whenever he needs to. I'll be there for my old friend who always picked up the phone when I needed him to. I'm going to be sophisticated and worldly and he's going to wish that he kept me at home. He's going to realize that if he asked me to I would have waited for him. He could have had am amazing woman, but it will be too late. I'll be taken... taken and loved.

I just can't believe that he left and didn't speak to me before.

I'm going to write him. He doesn't get to decide how this ends.

Hey,

i dont even know if im going to send this to you. i might just delete it all midway through. i wish i could have spoken to you before you left. im sure that youre tired of everyone telling you to be safe and maybe thats why you didnt call me. i hope youre not upset about what happened last week. even though things didnt happen the way you or i wanted, imglad i got to spend a little time with you before you go off to wherever youre going and i go to college.
im really nervous. i dont really know anybody that going to be in seattle. i mean, i know people i graduated with are going there but im not really friends with them. hopefully i have a good roommate, not some sociopath, you know? anyway, i wish i had you here to tell me that im just being paranoid.
im going to miss you. i know you dont want me to say it but i want you to be safe. i cant lose you. you mean too much to me. wow, im crying now just thinking...
sorry. i shouldnt have said that i was crying. but im not going to delete anything i say in this email because were close enough that i dont need to censor myself with you. youd know, and youd and ask me what i was keeping from you. you always want to get into my head and im letting you in with this. come back to washington in one piece. if you dont, there are a lot of people that will be devastated.
i didnt want this to be as emotionally heavy as i think it is right now. sorry... again im just going to say what ive been thinking for the past few days. i care about you. not as a just a friend and not as more then just a friend, does that make sense? in my head it does but reading it to myself i feel like im talking in circles. i care. more then you think.
youre leaving with things on an awkward note between us... its not your fault. we both knew that we both had to leave forks. i dont want that night to be a mistake to you because it isnt to me. you made me feel special. god, thats so cheesy. its true though. i felt good that night.

so i read through this whole email and its such a ramble. ugh i hate when i do that, say too much. you always tell me that i dont and that you get what im trying to say when i say it. i hope you understand what im saying in this because i hardly do. if you feel weird about everything i get it. (not just that night... you leaving, me leaving... whatever). you have a lot on your plate and you should be focused. you NEED to be focused. so dont feel obligated to write me back in a timely manner (even though i REALLY hope that you do). do what you need to do and know that if you ever need me im a computer or phone call away. and even if i cant get to you ill tell you what i think. well thats all i have to say i think. i leave in two days and im nervous as hell. i hope i dont fail at college.

Thinking of You,
Bella 3

Sooooooo, what do you think?

I'm dying to know! Leave a review! Talk to me! My nerves are killing me!